Dear Tina,
Well it has officially been one week since I began this journey with you. It has been pretty lonely so far, what with you not knowing about it and all and I’m ok with that. For now. Week 2 I may need to start being a little more aggressive. My sister has become my project manager. A title she made up and a position she designated to herself. I told her I could be my own project manager but then I remembered she was the one who pointed out that I had typed “tit” instead of “it” in one of my entries. So I may need to keep her around. Solely because she has an English degree.
I feel like I should preface what I am about to write with a few quick facts about myself.
1. I have never gone tanning in a tanning salon. Sprays, beds, etc. None of that. Think of what a person with really pale skin looks like. Now go five shades lighter. If you’re thinking Powder, go two shades darker. That’s me.
2. When I have felt the need to put a “poof” in my hair, the height has never exceeded 1 inch. I don’t even think that it can be legally recognized as a poof. I also try to avoid them in most situations as I hate saying the word poof. Or poofy.
3. My friend and I were going to wear Ed Hardy tee shirts to a white trash bash. Until we learned that they are really expensive and most people that wear them don’t think of them as white trash. Um, I do and they should.
Tina do you know where I’m going with this? I am LOVING on MTV’s Jersey Shore. I know what you’re thinking, I thought it too at first. You’re thinking I’m being sarcastic. Yes, in my head I was like “yeah I like this show sarcastically.” That is not the case anymore. I look forward to it. I sit attentively and I watch it. And laugh. Oh Tina how I laugh. Disagree with me if you must but what I find so enjoyable is that there’s no pretentiousness with this cast of clowns. They are so refreshingly honest about their intentions, their values, their taste in music. Lets go over a few of these tender spirits. Take Pauly D. Pauly D is like the Kate Gosselin of Jersey. He knows all of America (even that cotton ball Michael Cera) is making fun of him for his hair but he stands by it. If you look at pictures of him at recent events, that hair is styled as ridiculously as it was the first day he walked into the Jersey Shore house. Because that’s who he is. The kid is just trying to stay fresh.
Snooki. SNOOKI. Where do you even begin? Oh I know.
If one thing leads to another, I’m not gonna tell him to get off.
YES. I love when girls are complacent with their sluttiness. What events followed involving the man she was referring to at that moment? He left Snooks in hopes of meeting another girl, showed up at her house in a “you’re my last resort” type of situation and Snooki says to him…”Lick my ass.” Without flinching. The girl does not flinch. Other examples of this characteristic: getting punched in the face. Twice.
Then there’s JWOWW. Oops did I leave my caps lock on? Did my finger get stuck on the W briefly? Nope, that’s her name. It’s how she introduces herself. JWOWW. I think she earned the extra W when she showed America she is a woman of two dress codes: sweatpants + bikini top and sparkly corset + hot pants + fishnets. Both appropriate for all nighttime events.
And last and probably least, we have Mike “The Situation.” The Situation referring to both his abs and the epic process it takes for him to hook a girl. Something we have yet to see (the hook up not the abs). First of all, the guy looks like he’s pushing 40. I try not to be ageist; it is an unfortunate prejudice that happens to come out when I see a man my age or older trying to pass a red tank top off as a shirt. In the latest episode he invites one of the other roommates, Vinny, to go “gym tanning laundry” with him and Pauly D. Those are the tasks of the week required of The Situation, so he is not mistaken for someone’s dad, before they hit up Headliners to socialize creep. Also please keep in mind that “laundry” refers to going to a laundromat and picking up track pants in a plastic bag. As far as tanning goes, The Situation explains “You have to have a little color if you didn’t go to the beach.” Yes, fair point. My rebuttle would be, WHY DIDN’T YOU GO TO THE BEACH? What do you do all day? This is a hypothetical question I am posing him because I think my head would explode if his (likely) response was “gym laundry.”
Vinny really kept me grounded this week when he said to the producers during one of his interviews “Gym. Tanning. Laundry. Like, those aren’t even fun things.” No they’re not Vinny. No they’re not.
Jersey Shore line of the night goes to Pauly D. No surprise there.
Snooks, poor girl, gets hit in the face again. She needs to take some karate classes or something. She needs self-defense. Someone’s gotta teach her to fight…or duck.
Tina I swear if you embrace these people and use them as a moral compass, always checking to make sure you are heading in opposite directions, you may come to enjoy the program as much as I do. But if you want me to stop watching it when you put me on the 30 Rock payroll, I will. By then I’ll be in New York and I can spend my summers off beating beats.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Liz: He looked at me with those crazy handsome guy eyes. It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon …
Jenna: No Liz, do not talk about stuff like that on your date. Guys like that do not like Star Trek.
Liz: Wars!
Dear Tina 