He’s confided in me he has a little something going with one of the girls here. Maybe it’s that Russian dancer with the tattoos, which is the sex trifecta.

Dear Tina,

I’ve been pretty busy since Thursday night. Doctor appointment, work, I spent about 8.6 hours at a screening of Avatar. The point being, I am just now getting caught up on the two hours of  Jersey Shore I missed. The beginning of the episode featured a lot of grainy, home video-esque footage used for scene transitions. For a second I thought I was watching The Wonder Years but then Jenny “JWOWW” appeared and I was fairly certain that this wasn’t the episode Winnie got a tranny makeover. JWOWW was at the center of a tepid controversy this week when she hit Mike “The Situation” in the face after he refused to walk her back to the hotel room. After she threw up at the bar. In Atlantic City. Yes this story is lowbrow at every angle. Is there a silver lining there? Maybe that MTV was there to film it so you could watch it again on national television…with your parents. Hmm no that’s not it. Well thankfully Jenny and Mike were able to resolve their issues at the local bowling alley. There may be more parallels to The Wonder Years here than I thought.

When I first confessed to you my love for this show I debriefed you on four of the seven…we’ll call them characters, so I thought now would be a good time to clue you in on the other three. You’ll like Sammi. She’s the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet. Her words.

Vinny is the youngest on the show. He turned 21 shortly before shooting for the series began. As someone that values the upkeep of her own eyebrows, I am amazed at the length and shape of this young man’s brows. Think Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. The kid is a doll but he doesn’t appear to have the best taste in women. There was Tanya who appears to be enough years older than him for me to call in to question her level of class. The arm tattoos aren’t helping. Seriously though, if I found out that I was entertaining the idea of a 21 year old at a bar, the pain from that memory would hurt more than a white wine induced hangover. Then of course there was Mike’s little sister who, as noted by Pauly D, looks like Mike without the six pack. So Vinny clearly has yet to develop discernible taste but he still has many years ahead of him. Many of which will be spent on the Jersey Shore so he may find growing up to be a cyclical experience.

Ronnie is the type of guy that every girl wants to believe is the perfect guy because he says things like “I would suck on your big toe. That’s how much I care about you” but then you learn how much he loves to punch people in the face. I’m sure that there are some girls out there who find a man’s willingness to use his strength against someone’s head to be sexy. If you are wondering who these girls are, I would suggest tuning in to the latest episode of The Bad Girls Club on Oxygen. Personally, I think it’s grossly disturbing and watching Ronnie pretend to the police that he had not just triumphantly returned from knocking another man out made my skin crawl. It’s too bad really because Ronnie appears to have a lot going for him; he’s the most sensible of the men when it comes to knowing how to treat a woman (although that’s a bit like being the healthiest prostitute). He at least appears to be a man of good character when arguing with The Situation. If he would reduce the “bros” and “dudes” by 90%, I might even call him articulate. However, there are two lessons Ronnie could have benefited from had I been his babysitter: use your words and rough housing always leads to tears.

Finally, there’s Sammi. Where do I begin with Sammi? Well for one, she’s dating Ronnie. Which is actually the only tolerable thing about her. An indication of just how annoying she is. It was because of Sammi that Ronnie even had to offer to suck a big toe. In the aftermath of Ronnie comparing her big toe to Fred Flinstone’s (hilarious) Sammi scream-cries “I’m sorry for the way I look!” Oh Sammi. Here’s the thing. The only time it is ok to use that line is if you are doing an improvised version of The Elephant Man and there has been a ten second delay in the scene proving you can’t come up with anything better. As someone that has a brother and a handful of close male friends, she is my worst nightmare for them. I would compliment her on her hair but it’s fake and just as I didn’t compliment girls on their personality during sorority recruitment, I won’t compliment Sammi on her hair.

Jersey Shore line of the night should always go to Pauly D. but in the spirit of diversity I’ll give it to Snooki:

I told him to put me down because I’m not trashy. Unless I drink too much.

Amen. Right Tina?

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Cerie referring to birth control pills.

Cerie: I think you’re supposed to take all of them, like, in a row.
Liz: Thank you Cerie, but I’ve been sexually active since I was 25.