Dear Tina,
It is twenty to seven and I am eagerly awaiting the start of the Golden Globes. I haven’t watched any of the Red Carpet pre show because I get secondhand embarrassment for Ryan Seacrest when he is tries to laugh off celebrities making fun of him:
Ohpp just turned on NBC and there you were in the drizzle humoring Billy Bush. “It’s not rain it’s God crying for NBC.” Tina you slay me.
My intention tonight is to compile a list of the top 10 guest appearances I would like to see in the second half of television’s primetime season. This is naturally going to be a pretty biased list because I’m not going to suggest spots on television shows that I don’t watch. No, sorry I’m not interested in seeing Caroline Rhea guest star on Gary Unmarried. I feel like I might be burning some bridges in this blog. By the middle of the year you may be the only person I haven’t offended in some way. Mmm worth it.
10. The Fray on Grey’s Anatomy. This is the one show I’m including on the list that I actually do not watch, I swear. I enjoyed the first two seasons but then Katherine Heigl was suddenly considered the best part of that show so I had to turn it off. Anyway, I selected The Fray because it is clearly so difficult for this show to underscore a single moment without the assistance of the band that I think it only makes sense for them to just appear in the hospital. I don’t mean actually give them a story line. I mean just place them in the hospital like some type of spontaneous concert to raise money for the inevitable return of Katherine Heigl’s cancer. Just like they do on One Tree Hill.
9. Adam Lambert on Gossip Girl. Normally I hate when singers guest star on television shows and don’t sing because, well, they’re usually terrible actors so why not just find an actor of similar fame to play the part. However, I like the idea of Adam Lambert playing the man Vanessa (Jessica Schor) has supposedly started seeing, a role that has not yet appeared on camera. This elusive character is one of the reasons Vanessa and Dan apparently aren’t getting together. Which frankly I couldn’t care less about but imagine if you will, a classically handsome young man getting rejected and finding out that the woman he loves chose this:
Hilarity ensues.
8. Patricia Heaton on Men of a Certain Age. I hope you’re not thinking “oh that’s so cheesy! A pseudo Everybody Loves Raymond reunion.” Because those make up, like, half of my ideas. I like seeing two actors, where the audience has a preconceived notion of their chemistry together, and going in the complete opposite direction. Think Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio in Revolutionary Road. Ray Romano has already done such an incredible job on that show of grounding his character in his circumstances that Ray Barone is happily nowhere to be seen. So in the case of Patricia, she would play nothing remotely close to a love interest. Possibly a business competitor. Possibly the love interest of one of Ray’s friends. The beauty of people’s expectations is the ability to surpass them.
7. Beverly D’Angelo on Community. See what I mean Tina? Not that creative. Chevy Chase, however, so brilliantly portrays an over the hill, clinging to his youth, wannabe college student, that to throw in his hasbeen (sorry!) Vacation wife to portray an equally clueless wannabe college student would be a momentous moment for February sweeps. Especially if she pulled up to Greendale Community in a beaver panel station wagon.
6. Janet Reno on Parks and Recreation. I don’t think Janet Reno is featured on Leslie Knoppe’s wall of female inspiration but maybe that could be the plot point. I think Janet Reno proved her ability to carry a scene when she appeared on Saturday Night Live as herself, crashing through a cement wall to confront Will Ferrell for his (spot on) Janet Reno impersonation. Just imagine Leslie taking Janet out for a lunch at the local food court, mani/pedis to follow, and frozen yogurt in the late afternoon. She wouldn’t even need lines. Ms. Reno’s stature alone makes her a master of physical comedy. That sounds meaner than I meant it but nevertheless…true.
5. Aaron Tveit on Glee. At the end of last year, Aaron finished a major stint on Gossip Girl which ended with a punch in the face from Chase Crawford, a pitiful way to have to leave a series. It’s like being pulled off the Apollo Theatre stage by a house cat. Aaron stole my heart when I saw him live on Broadway (AHHHHHH GLEE JUST WON BEST COMEDY TELEVISION SERIES) in Next to Normal. His singing abilities are incredible, definitely better than most of the men on that show, and has a look about him that allows him to play virtually any type–good, evil, simple, shy, young, slightly older. Apparently those are all the types I think exist in television characters. Furthermore, Aaron played Link in Hairspray on Broadway, a role Matthew Morrison originated. Hilarious! …
4. George Clooney on The Good Wife. I really don’t feel the need to elaborate on this one other than stating the obvious: Carol and Doug. Perfection. I almost died when she merely hugged him at the Golden Globe Awards tonight.
3. Stephen Colbert on The Office. Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell are like the more-fun-to-watch version of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, who really haven’t done anything fun together since their Oscar acceptance speech. Stephen and Steve share the ability to straight face the most absurd material. This collaboration would work best if Stephen came on as Michael Scott’s rival. Like if Colbert came into the office as an independent salesman, selling something like homemade stationary, in the same way Amy Adams sold purses back in season one. Except Michael wouldn’t want to have sex with Stephen Colbert so it would inevitably become a battle of the better salesman. The best off screen friendships make the best on screen nemeses.
2. Christina Applegate on Modern Family. Now I’m really ready to push the envelope. Christina Appelgate on Modern Family playing a love interest/distraction for Ed O’Neill’s character. Gross! Yes! TV incest! Of course! That’s why it’s hilarious and that’s why it would fit perfectly into ABC’s sweeps. In case your mind is drawing a blank, Ed O’Neill and Christina Applegate played father and daughter on Married With Children. A simple one episode arc for Christina where she draws the eye of old Ed, leading to jealous rage brought to you by Sofia Vergara who plays Ed’s character’s wife. Really, there is nothing better than listening to jealous rage via a Colombian dialect. Christina Applegate has also proved herself to be a wonderful comedic actress that it’s a much more appropriate choice than say, David Faustino. Her sense of humor would work well with the pace of the show that I think many viewers would find her to be a welcome addition, albeit brief.
1. Ricky Gervais on 30 Rock. I don’t care if he plays himself. I don’t care if he plays your love interest. I don’t care if he’s a part of the background traffic throughout the episode. This man is one of the best comedic talents working on television. Why not save him for the best comedic show on television? His social and cultural criticisms are always right on point as are 30 Rock‘s. I believe the chemistry between he and the rest of the cast would be astronomical. Tina, if you can get Oprah, Ricky should be a piece of cake. Any man willing to make a Mel Gibson-alcohol abuser-joke as part of a Mel Gibson introduction deserves only top shelf outlets to perform his comedy. Let 30 Rock be that top shelf liquor Tina!
I should probably cut and paste each of my ideas into separate emails for the creators of all of these shows. That might also lead to increased viewership of Dear Tina which has declined a bit since removing the address from my Facebook status. Onto the next week!
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Liz: Hi.
CC: Hi. I like your necklace.
Liz: Oh thanks. It’s actually a rape whistle but the whistle part fell off and I just liked how it looked so I kept it.
Dear Tina 