Dear Tina,
Lets go over the moon and be under the stars. Was that my horoscope today? Was it a practice sentence on a 6th grader’s preposition worksheet? No, Tina. It was an invitation that the current Bachelor wrote to one of his…contestants…asking her out on a date during tonight’s episode. I came home tonight and I didn’t really have anything to write to you about. When that happens I find the best solution is to find something on television that I can ruthlessly mock. At first I turned on the CW because when it comes to mock-worthy, the CW is like the crown jewel. Unfortunately it’s Monday night which means One Tree Hill and honestly I can only stomach about ten seconds of Sophia Bush grimace-crying. Those ten seconds came and went before the “Previously on…” segment was even over. Luckily I came across The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Appropriately titled because the bachelor du jour, Jake, is a pilot and has the depth of a small bird. So I think that was the double meaning the producers were going for. This is the first episode of the season I am catching so I don’t know where these women are coming from. Although I imagine if I watched the entire season from start to finish I still wouldn’t have the answer to that question.
Back to the date I referenced earlier. So Jake invites Gia on a “one-on-one-plus the cameraman-don’t forget the boom guy-and probably one producer” date. Jake feels it is important to spend this time with Gia, a swimsuit model from New York City, because he needs to see how this city gal will handle a simple date in a vineyard. Jake what are you honestly anticipating going wrong here? She only knows how to walk on sidewalks so her legs will give out as soon as she moves onto the grass? The lack of city pollution will make her break out in hives? I think Jake uses 1% of his brain to think before he speaks and the other 99% to decide what color thermal he’s going to wear that day. Also, there is no such thing as a simple date at a vineyard. I went on a simple date freshman year of college. It was at Chili’s. I got a chicken sandwich. So Jake arrives to pick Gia up on a motorcycle (because the first take of him in a commercial airliner didn’t fit in the shot). He assists her onto the back of ABC’s his hog, and hands her a helmet. To which Gia replies “I don’t even know how to put this on!” Well Gia I have never ridden on a motorcycle either but my instincts tell me when putting on a helmet the rule is not feet first. I have to believe for my own sanity that men are not attracted to girls who act dumb or…are actually dumb, but then Gia comes along and asks how to basically put on a hat so I don’t know what to think. Off they go.
Luckily Gia proves herself fearless and braves the manicured lawns of that vineyard in nude pumps like the simple country girl she vows to become if Jake picks her. The date started as most of my afternoons with the five year old start–with a game of hide and seek. Now when I play hide and seek I make it my business to show off my skills as the seasoned player I am. One time I hid behind floor length drapes for so long I thought I was going to pass out. Not Gia! No, Gia just finds a row of grapes about ten feet to the left of the row of grapes where Jake is counting and just stands there. She doesn’t even crouch or contort her body to be HIDDEN by ANYTHING. If I played like Gia my hiding spot would be standing upright at the kitchen sink. It still takes Jake about ten minutes to find her. The date eventually moves beyond preschool games but makes a pit stop at seventh grade for a humiliating round of spin the bottle. Even as an awkward adolescent I knew how awkward spin the bottle was. While Gia and Jake are enjoying some wine, Jake with the smoothness of a geriatric foot, mentions to Gia that “if we finish up that bottle it will spin on that board.” Yes I think I remember that from my Physics 140 class: How Things Work. Although I thought we learned that bottles partially filled with liquid also spin. Is that wrong? Jake don’t answer, you have a group date coming up and you have to change shirts. Their date ends with a campfire and more kissing and just when you think you are about to implode from secondhand embarrassment, you detect that the background music is literally an instrumental version of “On the Wings of Love.” My heart stopped. In the bad way.
The next day Jake and all the ladies get gussied up for a day at the sand hills. Sand in the mouth! Sand in the hair! Dune buggies caught in the sand! Obstacles at every angle. The biggest obstacle though is a lady I have come to know as Vienna. Much more like the hot dog than the capital of Austria. Vienna is clearly not making many friends on this trip because she is a sandbox full of crazy and says things to the camera like “I’m not really excited for the group date because Jake is my boyfriend…” Is he? So the other women who accompanied you out here today, are they your life coaches? Way to put the cart before the horse Vienna. Guys like it when you prematurely put labels on relationships. I think I read that on the inside of a Dove chocolate wrapper.
After champagne and platters of sandy fruit, Jake and the ladies head to the Inn (groan) where they will de dining. He thanks them for a wonderful time in the sand before releasing them to go shower and put on their pageant dresses. Not before remarking on how much he “loves dirty girls.” I don’t get it. Oh wait, his overcompensating laugh I think is helping me understand that I just experienced the extent of Jake’s wit. He means dirty like how prostitutes are dirty. Right? Well don’t worry Jake you are in luck. I haven’t seen a group of girls so eager for sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths, and fifths since the last season of The Bachelor.
I turned the show off after the first hour so I can’t tell you how the episode ended. I did catch the “coming up” preview which involved Jake burning a rose in the campfire. He’s so edgy. I just had to stop watching before I developed Stockholm Syndrome and my writing reflected appreciation instead of horror. Either way it was definitely better than trying to figure out why the frumpy girl on One Tree Hill is now a cocaine addict. God I love television.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Jack: Alfredo. 2PM?
Liz: I’m not dressed for that.
Jack: You’re dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?
Dear Tina 