*this post from 2/1/10 delayed due to wordpress being a jerk last night
Dear Tina,
I’m having a hard time tonight. I’m in a three strikes you’re out situation in relation to my own intelligence. Here they are in the order they occurred:
- Tonight at dinner we were discussing the value of discussion (collar pull) and opinions. My mom says, “Even when you don’t know a lot about what you’re talking about. Like Catherine.” The conversation deviated a bit there so my mom could fit in a few no that’s not what i ments.
- I reread my post from last night and realized I typed the word submerge when I meant to write emerge. I mean really, I basically used an antonym. Said error has since been fixed if you were planning on searching for it.
- My sister asked me what the age difference was between someone and myself. I looked up said person’s birthday: 1980. I told her it was 16 years. I was born in 1986.
I think the only solution when things like this happen is to boost your self-esteem by pointing out the denseness in others. Just like they always taught you in school: bullies pick on other people to make themselves feel better. You know why they’ve been teaching that for so long? Because it’s true and it works. When I was in 6th grade, kids used to call me albino. My mom told me to tell them that during the Middle Ages fair skin was a sign of wealth. I went to school and accidentally ripped the cover off of a classmate’s spelling book so when he asked me to fix it, I taped it shut. Which do you think produced more satisfying results? The sad part is, he wasn’t even one of the kids that called me names. And the two events probably occurred months apart. In any case, for the sake of my self-esteem let us discuss tonight’s episode of The Bachelor.
Just when I thought that I would never return to this subject again, my sister shows up for the night so she can get to church bright and early tomorrow morning and vote (The last time she was at church was probably when she was 8 and asked our dad to take her to Mass so she could explore her options). And is there anything more sisterly/gal pal-y than watching The Bachelor? So we indulged. Towards the end of the episode my mom walked in and said “all those girls look the same.” Personally I think that’s all you need to say in a Bachelor recap for any episode, any season, ever, but then my mom would be doing all my work for me. Like the time in high school I started crying about all the homework I had so, being a French major in college, she said she would find a French recipe that I needed for my French Project. She typed up a recipe for scrambled eggs. Just written in French. Oeuf.
Now let’s really get to it. The highlight of tonight’s episode for me was the date that took place in the castle. Jake takes Gia and Vienna to a castle that, I’m guessing, was originally built to film movies like Ever After in because it was about as vintage looking as a Medieval Times. When they first arrive Vienna proclaims “This is an actual castle. I wasn’t expecting this” and says something muddled about thinking they were going to a trailer park. Gia’s response? “It’s crazy.” Jake’s response? A grin. I’m already exhausted. The date moves forward to some quality two on one time that takes place on a blanket. God forbid Bachelor producers you ever set up a conversation on your show that doesn’t involve a faux fur blanket. At this time Vienna takes the opportunity to talk about how worried she was at the last rose ceremony. Or a she describes herself, “shaking in her pants.” My sister and I walked away from this comment with different issues. 1. (my sister’s point) that’s not the expression, it’s shaking in my boots. 2. (my point) were you wearing pants at the last rose ceremony? No you were wearing a jewel toned dress because you received The Bachelor packing list before you came and it told you to pack 36 of them. So, especially because that’s not even the original phrase, how on Earth did pants come into your mind? I know. It’s because you’re crazy. I also realized this episode, it being the second one I’ve watched this season, that Vienna is a ceiling talker. So when she says things like “I’m going to go downstairs and find my boyfriend,” her inability to sustain direct eye contact makes her appear all the more crazy. Gia eventually got a turn to express her insecurities and how “vulnerable” she feels. Apparently the special moments she thought she was having with Jake, him resting his legs on her’s, are apparently also being experienced by four other contestants. Gosh Gia if I were you I would have never seen that coming either. The next time I’m having a conversation with a man and he rests his legs on my legs I’m going to scream “You’re just like Jake!” and run away crying. He’ll chase after me, right Gia? Groan. Jake comforts her by telling her “It’s ok to fall.” Hmm I think you misread your cue card on that one. It actually read “It’s ok to fail.” And it is. Because you both already have.
The date at the castle closes with Vienna traipsing down the halls of the castle with a lantern (pay no attention to the slew of electric lights on the ceiling) until she finds Jake in bed. Jake reminds us in an interview that even though he wasn’t wearing a shirt he was “not naked. Close!” As in, close to naked. Ok Jake, for a man, wearing pants is about as close to not naked as it gets. I know you feel a little vulnerable sans your turtleneck but there are employees at Abercrombie and Fitch who wear less to work than you were wearing in that bed. Despite Jake’s nudity, he assured the viewers that Vienna’s excursion to his bedroom was going to be rated G despite all of the sinful thoughts going through his mind. Umm the only people that have rated G romantic rendez vous are cartoon characters. Like Aladdin and Jasmine. The only thing Jake has in common with Aladdin is that they are both two-dimensional.
The rest of the episode explored various cliched interpretations of romance including going to a museum after hours. I have been to a museum after hours twice. Once for a Girl Scout sleepover and the other for a bar mitzvah. The precursor to the museum date, that was spent with Corrie, was the most awkward row boat excursion in history. The majority of the time was spent at contrasting percentage levels of willingness to make a move. It became a lesson in statistics (“The man goes 80%, the woman goes 20%”) that was even less imaginative than lessons involving M&Ms in my high school statistics textbook. Corrie dropped the bomb at dinner that she was a virgin and saving herself for marriage. Do I even need to tell you how the episode ended? With Corrie’s departure, most certainly. Jake naturally blamed it on her slowness to open up. Insert crass and obvious joke here.
Miscellaneous observations from the epsiode:
- Vienna wears painfully dark eye makeup. This fact is only emphasized more because said makeup matches her roots.
- Gia has a rather distracting lisp. Much like Meredith Grey’s. Luckily Gia doesn’t start and end episodes of The Bachelor with nonsense monologues about what “we all go through as doctors.”
- If we were to create a Bachelor drinking game, I would recommend that one of the rules be drink every time Tenley says “I’m falling for you.” Also drink when anyone accompanies that line with “And that scares me.” Or just change the channel.
- Ali takes Jake on a tour of her San Francisco neighborhood and they end up at a quaint cafe to talk about their relationship (before finding four more locations to do this). Ali explains that the first thing she does on a Sunday is check her email. The reason she does that is because her job is really important to her and she just wants to be the best she can be. She actually said that, just in case you misinterpreted her boy scout point of view as my poor writing skills. Ali, I check my email six times a day, everyday, because I’m bored. Like everyone else in the country. Stop acting like you do it for any other reason.
Whew, I don’t know about you Tina but I feel better. Hopefully my mom won’t remind me that I mean to say “wary” instead of “weary” until next Monday. I am also going to try and ignore the five year old’s question of “when will you turn thirty?” But I guess that’s for different reasons.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Jack: Here’s how you correct this misstep; instead of going to a restaurant where it will be nothing but people in love and rings hidden in pastries…
Liz: Oof.
Jack: Cook him a nice meal at home.
Liz: Nice, you mean like stew?
Jack: I certainly do not mean stew.
Dear Tina 