Did you just make a sports reference? Do you know how little of that I get here?

Dear Tina,

Alright I tried. I really felt like as someone that is trying to establish herself as some kind of television maven, I should pay attention to major television events. So I turned on the Super Bowl and was immediately overstimulated by all the lights and colors and words I didn’t understand; it was like someone tripping on acid going to Disney on Ice. I just don’t like sports. Sometimes I want to pretend I do so to my sports-minded friends I don’t come off as some kind of liberal vegan artist who hollowed out the television set in her living room and used it to grow an organic herb garden. I played sports when I was younger; I played softball for four or five years in elementary and middle school. The entire time I played I thought my dad was one of those terrible sideline coach parents because I would always hear him calling out to me from the bleachers telling me to keep my head in the game. I found out years later that he did that because he could tell I was never paying attention and he genuinely worried I was going to get hit in the head with a ball. The truth is, I think sports are boring and there is no reason to sit through hours of something I don’t understand for the sake of telling other people I did. My athleticism ends at having slightly above average flexibility and a willingness to take the stairs instead of the escalator. Also, while I do like to bring my television point of view to the masses (Dear Tina viewership hit an all-time high of 105 back in January and numbers have been slipping since so…tell your friends!) I should never lose sight of the fact that this blog was created for the sole purpose of getting a job. And as long as Tina doesn’t care if I don’t watch the Super Bowl, I don’t care. Plus, frankly even though the Super Bowl is one of the highest rated television events of the year, it is still a sporting event and should not fall under my realm of things to care about. Not when I prefer to spend most of my time caring about what Andy Cohen is doing.

So for reasons that relate to my dad watching the Super Bowl on the first floor, and my mom watching Erin Brockovich on the second floor, I am in my room sans television and therefore plan on discussing the top five pop culture events that are on my mind at the close of this weekend. The top five of course means the first five that come to mind, as I tend not to spend much time ranking my thoughts.

1. The dopplegangers on Facebook. Here’s the thing with celebrity dopplegangers. The vast percentage of celebrities are, by law (right?), required to be extremely attractive. So when you put up a picture of Jessica Simpson for your doppleganger because you also have blonde hair, it’s just inviting a comparison that we will soon discover is only marginally accurate. Or in some cases, terribly inaccurate. Facebook is a tool that, for the most part, should be used ironically and sarcastically. And to make sure that the guy you like is still seeing that girl whose celebrity doppleganger is Amy Winehouse and hating him for it. The only acceptable ones I saw were Suri Cruise and a furby. Because that’s hilarious. In case you were wondering, I did go to myheritage.com to find out who mine would be. For the sake of the experiment and because I have a platform to discuss it, I used three very different pictures of myself. The first was a picture of myself taken at Maifest Chicago last Spring. The second was my college headshot. And the third was a production shot from Imaginary Invalid. Here are the results.

And finally, with 66% accuracy, we have Zac Hanson when he was 11.

With 78% accuracy, we have Jodie Sweetin.

With 58% accuracy, we have Paula Deen.

I’ve always thought the missing link between Mrs. Butterworth, Steph Tanner, and the original Jonas Brother was my face. This is why I chose not to participate.

2. Sandra Bullock has proclaimed that she is not going to win the Oscar for Best Actress. Sandra recently said:

I’m so not winning an Oscar,” Bullock said. “Nine times out of ten I always pick who’s going to win. And I already know who’s going to win. I’m not going to say, but nine times out of ten, I’m right.

While we’re all hoping the same thing Sandra, you saying this just makes your inevitable win ten times more annoying. I like humble when it’s believable. I find it insincere to defy the predictions for the sake of wanting your surprise face to seem genuine. With that said, from today forward, I vow to stop giving Sandra Bullock such a hard until I see the movie because I agree it’s not fair for me to judge something I know nothing about. In the mean time, let us read together a blurb from New York Times movie critic A.O. Scott’s review of The Blind Side.

And Ms. Bullock’s brisk self-confidence can be appealing — until it becomes annoying. The biggest problem here is that her character never changes, never experiences a moment of doubt or guilt or selfishness, and after a while her display of goodness sinks into vanity.

We’re talking an ACADEMY AWARD here people. I’m just saying. Read Scott’s review in its entirety here.

3. Sarah Palin told Fox News Sunday that it would be “absurd” for her to rule out running in 2012. No, what is absurd was your basketball analogy during your resignation speech this past summer– “And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory.” Absurd was you writing a memoir. Didn’t you notice once you went back to Alaska no one was asking about you? Absurd was trying to find ways to blame Katie Couric and the “gotcha media” for your incompetency. You ruling out running in 2012 would actually be, according to antonyms for absurd found in my thesaurus, reasonable, sensible. There are only two good things that would come out of you running in 2012. Number one, it would surely invite Tina and her dead-on impression of you back to Saturday Night Live. Number two, you would lose.

4. The “Pro-Life” advertisement airing during the Super Bowl. You may have heard about this controversial ad featuring 2007 Heisman trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mom. Promoting Pro-Life values for the website FocusOnTheFamily.com, Tebow’s mom Pam talks about how when Tim was little, she considered having an abortion…or something. Those details turned out to be rather vague in the actual spot. The commercial had everyone up in arms which I was kind of surprised by with an issue like abortion. Either way, the important thing to remember is that it’s not changing any minds. Everyone has their own opinion on the subject and watching Pam Tebow get tackled by her son is not going to be the spark that sends Roe v. Wade back to the Supreme Court.

5. Hilarity brought to you by mockumentary gem Modern Family. Speaking of the Supreme Court, I would just like to end with the hilarious joke from last week’s episode of Modern Family. I feel like I haven’t spent enough time discussing how brilliant this show is. I’ll get there one day. In the mean time, just watch it because you’ll laugh. All the time.

Cam: My dream for him is that one day, he’ll be on the Supreme Court.
Mitchell: Why Cam?
Cam: So at parties I can tell people my partner is one of the Supremes.

Go to Hulu.com and watch the actual clip. It is from the “Moon Landing episode” and begins at the 1:30 marker.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jenna: As you probably know, especially if you read Page Six…of my publicist’s emails, I have decided to cut my hair and donate it to charity.
Kenneth: But Ms. Maroney, why would you cut your beautiful hair?  You look just how I picture Mary Magdalene.