Dear Tina,
For the past two Mondays I have taken the time to discuss the cultural train wreck that is The Bachelor. The first week I had fallen upon it almost by accident as I was looking for easy material to ridicule. The second week, I partially encouraged it because my sister was home and it’s not like we were going to sit around and watch Frontline, right? I probably shouldn’t scoff at that alternative but it’s true. So I planned on ending my tumultuous relationship with the show there. Then I discovered that readers actually enjoy these Bachelor posts so I thought, you know what? Lets commit to this. Lets go all the way. There are only three or four episodes left anyway. Plus I write while I’m watching and just perk up when one of the girls Jake starts crying to avoid investing any actual emotion in the process.
On this episode, Jake and his merry women have left San Francisco and he is now visiting each one and their families in their hometowns. It’s more awkward than you’re anticipating, I’m just warning you. We begin with Gia.
Gia lives in Manhattan so off the Texan goes stomping around America’s most overpopulated island. I would compare him to Paul Bunyon but my guess is Jake caps off at 5’7″. When Jake arrives Gia tells him that they are going on a boat ride because, according to her, the best way to see New York City is on a boat. The best way to go whale watching is on a boat Gia. I’m pretty sure the best way to see a heavily condensed city filled with historical and cultural iconography, is by foot. I would love to see the deleted scenes from that boat ride. “Do you see those 15 buildings in a row? No? Try squinting. Well if those buildings weren’t there and you walked about a hundred blocks we would be in Central Park! It’s nice but these plastic white benches are nicer.” Gia seemed to be laughing a lot more this episode because I was quite taken aback by how similar her laugh is to D.W.’s from Arthur. I missed the majority of the family dinner interaction but I did see at the very end of the episode Gia’s mom gave Jake a palm reading. Naturally. Later Jake and Gia wander around the city discussing living, loving, and laughing, before ending up on a stoop. Jake, smooth mover that he is, asks “have you ever been kissed on a stoop? Want to change that?” No time to decide here he comes! Have you ever been kissed near a drinking fountain? Have you ever been kissed outside a gynecologist’s office? Have you ever been kissed on recycling day? Want to change that?
Next Jake heads to Massachusettes to experience Ali using the word “foliage” for the first time. Jake is reunited with Ali via the mandatory running and jumping and legs-around-waist wrapping. Just once I want a bachelor to fall down when a woman attempts this–preferably Vienna. In an interview, Ali–wordsmith that she is–proclaims, “I love…….laughing with Jake.” Me too Ali! Wait, did you say with or at? After the two jump around catching leaves and making wishes (you can’t make this stuff up!) Ali takes Jake to her grandmother’s house in the woods. I don’t want to harp on this too much because Ali’s grandmother had passed away recently but this whole setup felt like the Blair Witch Project if the score for the Blair Witch Project was produced by Michael McDonald. The dinner with Jake and Ali’s family that followed was a non-entity on account of the fact that Ali’s mom was nice and no one else spoke. After dinner, Ali confessed to Jake that if he were to propose to her right now she would say yes. WHAT. You haven’t even asked him if he would be supportive of a gay child! You are not ready for marriage. Jake responds by spending 45 seconds taking off his gloves. So that he can kiss her without his gloves on? Yes, that appears to be the reason. Jake had immediate regrets about this decision. Not about kissing her, but taking his gloves off, because when the camera returns to the lip lock after a very brief cutaway, his gloves are miraculously back on. He must have poor circulation. Or he’s indecisive. Either way, he’s not the marrying kind.
Leaving Ali alone to deal with her boss who no longer tolerates “going on a date” as an excuse to miss a month of work, Jake heads off to Oregon. There he meets up with Tenley as she prepares her audition for So You Think You Can Dance?. Tenley takes Jake to a local dance studio so she can perform a dance she choreographed for him. She tells him all he has to do is skip over to the boombox, press play, and return to his stool (Have you ever been kissed on a stool?). His furrowed brow tells me this task may prove more difficult than he or I anticipated. Turns out, Tenley has choreographed a dance to “Pachelbel’s Cannon.” Really? Why didn’t you just pick “Here Comes the Bride” and turn the dance studio into a surprise wedding for the two of you. These “let me take time out of our time together to showcase a talent I have” moments only happen on reality television. I have a hard time buying that Meryl Streep ever said to any of her suitors “Acting is a really important part of my life. Sit tight while I perform a dramatic monologue for you in this community center.” Tenley’s family was nice. Nice in the way sororities use the word nice to describe a painfully boring person during rush. The trip was a success in that Tenley had some questions answered by Jake and it was a failure in that all of her questions pointed toward the fact that her divorce really has made her damaged goods. If it hadn’t, you wouldn’t ask a 31 year old if he can stand up to his parents. Tenley also said “I’m falling for Jake” three times so take three shots. And five more for all the others that landed on the cutting room floor. And now four more so you blackout and forget you ever watched this.
Trying to make Jake’s fly schedule as geographically and economically illogical as possible, Jake flew to Florida next to visit Vienna’s family. I was so disappointed and bored to tears with the first three trips that honestly I pretty much stopped paying attention. I did catch two highlights. The first was when Jake went out to the garage from Roseanne to talk to Vienna’s dad and the music changed to some type of hick river music. Way to go 19 year old intern in the sound mixing office! Thank you for picking up on the subtlety of Vienna Sr.’s southern everything. The second highlight came after dinner (I think), Vienna and Jake are lying on a bed together and due to some kind of awkward movement Vienna says “Oh I thought you were going to take your shirt off….What would my dad think?” Jake, who acts as adolescent and clueless as Jennifer Garner’s character in 13 going on 30, simply responds “Oh…um, no.” Vienna of course he’s not going to take his shirt off. What do you think you’re doing right now, shooting promos? Jake saves the goods for America. Come on girl, get with it.
Toward the end of the episode, the Real Sisterwives returned to California where, as I alluded to earlier, Ali told Jake that her company was going to fire her if she didn’t come back to work. A tough decision for sure. Looking back on the past dozen or so seasons of this program it’s pretty clear that the odds of you marrying this guy are in your favor so the decision should be an easy one. All that job was doing was making you check your email on weekends anyway. In the end, after eight commercial breaks and lots of nuzzling, Ali decides to leave. So everyone gets a rose with the predictable promise in the preview for next week’s episode that Ali will return. Ain’t nothin gonna hold her down. Especially not the producers. Because they’ve orchestrated the entire thing.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Liz: Don’t make me be a part of this.
Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your young angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.
Dear Tina 