Dear Tina,
Well it’s Monday night and you know what that means. Yes, I went to Target tonight and bought 20 new pairs of socks. When the cashier was done ringing me up he said “you got some socks!” Ugh don’t make me feel weird about it. I’m not making you feel weird about the fact that you’re a man and you’re hairstyle looks like Kate Gosselin’s before the extensions. Aside from my Target excursion, Monday night of course means I dedicated two hours to The Bachelor. I do this for you. The all new episode of Intervention at 8 looked positively gripping what with the gallon of vodka-a-day habit but I kept my word and navigated my way through fantasy suites, lots of sand, and Chris Harrison. Buckle up.
Jake and the gang took off from where they last were, wherever that was, and headed to Saint Lucia. Not to be confused with Saint Lucia’s Day, a holiday celebrated by my American Girl doll. Jake is really excited about this change of scenery. I think it’s because he can wear shorts on his dates now so when he goes frolicking in the water he doesn’t get the cuffs of his pants all wet [see: San Francisco date with Ali]. The first woman he meets up with is Gia. Jake yodels on about the connection he’s forming with Gia and how much he respects her because she is so beautiful but there is more to her than that! She was picked on in high school. Is that something we’re supposed to look for in a mate? Overcoming adversity in the form of high school teasing? Unless you had a child in high school or didn’t graduate from high school, the details of those four years are of little interest to me. Gia and Jake head into town where they mingle with the locals. At one point Jake and Gia start dancing to what Jake describes as Reggae music. A conclusion I am assuming he jumped to based on the fact that it was performed by a black man with dreadlocks. I’m sure if Jake walked past the bucket boys on the streets of Chicago he would say “Ahh yes mon! Reggaeton!” Also, Jake proves himself to be a regular Bob Fosse as he pelvic thrusts to the music and then wrangles Gia into his dance space and pelvic thrusts against her like a blacked out freshman on an almost empty dance floor. Jake tells the camera how impressed he is with Gia during the date because she owns $400 shoes yet she is willing to interact with these poor folk from Saint Lucia. I don’t remember exactly what he said but I’m fairly certain it was even more offensive than the way I just paraphrased. They go back to the resort. Gia puts on the jeweled headband she wore to her junior prom, they have dinner, and then they go to the fantasy suite. See how I explained that in one sentence? Bachelor producers allotted what felt like half my life for that segment.
Next it was Tenley’s turn. Oh Tenley. So eager and yet, a bit of a prude, no? Tenley gets the award (if I’m handing them out) for asking Jake a question that has relevance and actually shows some foresight. While they are on a picnic that involved multiple blankets and multiple baskets, Tenley asks Jake how he would pursue her in the real world. Would his methods involve as many picnics and romantic getaways as this courtship? Finally. Someone acknowledging that the events that take place on this show are so shmaltzy and ridiculous that you pretty much have no choice but to fall in love. The producers don’t let a second go by without making sure you are thinking about love, loving this person and whether or not this person loves you. Jake’s reply was of the “of course! I’m a pilot I can take you anywhere!” sort. And Tenley’s, a variation of “gee gosh you’re making me blush.” Tenley we took a few steps forward and ended up in the same place. So now I’m revoking my award. When Tenley and Jake return from a romp in the ocean and talking about how much they like kissing, they sit down for dinner. Tenley has been going on and on about how she hasn’t been with a man since her husband and her husband was the first man she was ever with and so she’s not really comfortable with the idea of having sleepovers with men. And then Jake and Chris Harrison invite her to the fantasy suite and Tenley says…yes! Good for you. Because the right time to step slightly to the right of your morals is with a man who took a different girl to bed last night and will be taking another one to bed the following night. Jake was thrilled: “I absolutely cannot wait to watch our first sunrise.” Is it wrong that my knee-jerk reaction to this would be “well now that you’ve said that, it’s going to be our last.” Sunrises. Roses. Dance-swaying. God by the time I’m done watching these episodes I feel like I’ve had a sugar crash.
Finally, like a Barbie after all seventeen plastic twist ties are removed, out came Vienna. In all her crazy glory. Jake seemed almost relieved. And just when I thought Jake was incapable of pairing internal emotions with facial expressions, Jake revealed that he was relieved: “I need that fun, light, immature side.” Well you’re in luck, here comes the 23 year old. Jake likes Vienna because when he’s rough with her, she’s rough right back. When he kisses her, she kisses him right back. Ah yes, I forgot the other two women over in the fantasy suites had bubble boy like apparatuses around them to prevent such rough housing. Jake and Vienna’s date took place on a pirate ship. No wonder Jake hasn’t picked up on Vienna’s fits of crazy. Can anything look crazy when you’re filming a reality show on a pirate ship? I mean your perception of normal romantic interactions must be drastically skewed. Vienna proclaims as if she had just discovered new land, “I don’t care if we’re in Saint Lucia or Texas! I just want to be with him!” When trying to appear absolute in your devotion, I would recommend against using two locations that both have above average residency appeal. It doesn’t make you seem any more committed than I do declaring “I don’t care if it’s Chicago or a surrounding suburb! I would go anywhere for him!” At dinner Jake tells Vienna he has something he feels compelled to address. Of course I was anticipating part 11 of the never-ending series “tell me why you think the other girls don’t like you.” Turns out, he just wanted to know what kind of ring Vienna would like. Acting all surprised and giddy, I’m surprised Vienna didn’t pull out images of rings she had researched from her bra. Their evening ends with Jake using the word “neat” to describe the fantasy suite and Vienna in lingerie. Did I need to recap that Vienna said yes to Chris Harrison’s offer to stay overnight in the fantasy suite? I didn’t think so.
Ali’s return was a a non-entity. She calls Jake and professes her love to him, telling him how much she regrets choosing work over him (she works for Facebook by the way). Jake explains that when she chose to leave, he moved on and is now in love with the remaining three women. Except the one he is getting ready to dump in a couple of hours. Amidst a lot of whimpering on Ali’s end, Jake tells her “I am so sorry to hurt your feelings.” I think that was how they resolved conflict in peer mediation when I was in elementary school. Ali being the logical, unassuming Bachelor contestant that she is, says “I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone like Jake ever again!” In her whole life! My advice to you Ali, when you can pick yourself up by your boot straps and go back into the dating world, don’t lead with that.
Jake sends Gia home. It had to have been the lisp. The rose ceremony is the most boring part of the show. I actually did turn back over to Intervention to see how the alcoholic was doing instead of watching Jake take 15 minutes to hand out two roses. Good, by the way; sober since November 2009. Only two more episodes left. Next week’s The Bachelor: The Women Tell All should be interesting. Mainly because I didn’t watch the first half of the season so there will be all these new faces for me. And I’ll get to meet the girl who somehow managed to develop a relationship with a crew member from the show within a week of being there. I can hardly stand the wait…
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Jack: Now remind me, did you just do the Philadelphia cotillion or did you also happen to debut internationally?
Liz: I’m happy to say that I don’t even get that.
Dear Tina 