Dear Tina,
Oh Tina I am back! I have been to the brink and it involved a lot of Club crackers and citrus flavored Halls lozenges, but now I’m back. I was feeling pangs of guilt all day long thinking about how I had abandoned my efforts these past two days in order to “heal” and be “well rested.” Gosh with all the brooding, self-pitying nonsense going on in the last two posts you’d think I had meningitis–or actually died. I mean, to be clear, I wasn’t lying. Monday morning I looked the way James Frey would have looked on his first morning in rehab as depicted in his Million Little Pieces memoir were we able to believe anything he wrote in that book. But still, I felt myself losing Dear Tina momentum. While I was at work today I kept thinking “Are people going to lose interest? Am I losing interest? How am I going to motivate myself again? Have I failed?” etc. etc. I would have said these thoughts aloud, as I am prone to doing so, but the baby gets startled when the room we’re in is quiet and then I just start talking out of nowhere. So to avoid plaguing myself with hypothetical answers to these questions, I am instead jumping right back in with my thoughts on last night’s The Bachelor: The Women Tell All as promised.
What Chris Harrison failed to mention in any of the promos or at the beginning of the episode was that it would take about 45 minutes until he even brought the women on stage for the dish session. I guess dedicating two hours to Bachelor contestants smiling nervously and laughing off their antics like they had hoped to look that crazy on television was too much even for the producers. So for the opening act, if you will, we had a variety of segments that mainly focused on Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants from years past. Ahh, the cream of the crop. If you weren’t lucky enough to hit it off with the one man or woman we presented to you the first time, here’s a cruise ship full of other rejects for you to consider. None of that rose ceremony nonsense to worry about, just your reputation, which we’re squandering with the footage of your friend calling you out for being with a different man every night during the trip. It’s kind of like watching The Real World but worse because these people are not 21 and should therefore know better. Also, I’m not buying the whole “Bachelor Gives Back” program you featured. As charitable as I’m sure Shayne Lamas is, I’m more certain that Bachelor producers called up a bunch of familiar faces, mentioned a segment they had made up in order to kill time on the Women Tell All special, and assured them that they could still wear sky high stilettos while they packed groceries and painted lifeguard chairs. When Chris Harrison and the gang were through with what felt like one long paid advertisement, we finally entered the lion’s den. And yes, it was jewel toned.
I find it a bit disconcerting to hear how many women fell in love with Jake during their time on the show. It was at least the final four, Ali, Gia, Tenley (like the number 10! aww), and Vienna, but in addition, there were a couple of others veering in that direction as evidenced by their tears when they did not receive a rose. Now I know how this show works and not opening up about your feelings is like choosing the wrong song on American Idol (a death wish) but how can you honestly go so far as to say you are in love with a man who is having the same relationship with two or three or ten other women? Of course when it comes to love and relationships we should all take risks. Yes loving someone can be worth the pain you may feel from losing them. But in what circumstance other than a reality show would a woman stand around with the other women the man she was in love with was dating and just wait quietly while he decided who he wanted to get rid of? I’m sorry but guard up ladies, guard UP.
Oh um, briefly, Jake referred to himself in the third person: “Jake is not here for an adventure.” Jake, you know how you keep telling us that you were a dork in high school that didn’t know how to talk to girls as if we’re supposed to be surprised by this? We’re not.
A lot of attention was paid to Ali last night (it must be in her contract or something) who clearly is not over Jake and went to this taping hoping if she smiled sadly at him long enough she could win him back. They showed the clip last night of Ali telling Jake when he was visiting her family “If you asked me to marry you now I would say yes.” And yet you chose your job over this future husband of yours?! How interesting Ali. You should talk to Jennifer Aniston about choosing career over family. If you play your cards right I’m sure you’ll be co-starring with Gerard Butler in a romantic comedy with a pun for a title by the end of the year. Later, Ali made a surprise plea to the other women, in which she sounded like Kristy from The Babysitter’s Club, to support Vienna because she is getting torn apart in the tabloids. I think she was trying to win brownie points with Jake or maybe she just really likes Kristy from The Babysitter’s Club. When Jake came out to join the gab fest, he told Chris Harrison that his goodbye to Ali was one of the hardest moments of the season, and the only ones to top it were still to come (in the finale). Throw Gia under the bus why don’t you. Clearly favoring someone who went home before her–that won’t make Gia second guess everything about herself for the 47th time since she first met you. While you did make saying goodbye to Gia look as difficult as signing a group “get well soon” card, at least pretend like she was genuinely your third choice. Otherwise we’re going to have to hear more about how she’s a swimsuit model yet men are always disappointing her.
Now it just wouldn’t be a sufficient account of last night’s events if we didn’t discuss Rozlyn. That’s not a misspelling, she really does spell her name like the owner of a dog grooming business. To restate for those who may need the update, Rozlyn was asked to leave the show for having an alleged affair with a Bachelor producer. Initially Chris Harrison asked the women their thoughts on Rozlyn and then asked for specific instances where the women saw Rozlyn canoodling with this producer. And just like an episode of Find My Family, Chris Harrison drops the bomb: “Well, Rozlyn is actually here tonight and she will be joining us later on in the show.” Great, let’s bring her out, she seems prepared to admit her faults and make a public apology to Jake and anyone else she offended. Oh, nope, turns out she’s going to lie through her teeth, call every woman on stage a liar, and then swear on “her son’s life” that nothing like that ever happened. As a general rule, don’t swear on your child’s life; let’s please leave your poor son out of this conversation. During this whole charade Chris Harrison was one part terrible high school social worker two parts pimp. It felt dirty. He kept telling the girls to “not hold back” and “be detailed” and “be honest” when it came time to confront Rozlyn on her escapades. Through the lashings, Rozlyn decided she hadn’t sufficiently trashed her image enough so she decided to throw out an ill-planned and awkwardly immature slam at Chris Harrison. Chris mentions to Rozlyn that the producer she was hanky pankying with got fired as a result of said hanky panky, which was a loss for him as he was a good friend of Chris’s. Rozyln, speaking on behalf of this producer, with regard to this alleged friendship with Chris, said “that’s news to him especially when you were hitting on his wife in New Zealand.” Slam! Oh wait…Rozlyn? Didn’t you just reveal that on top of becoming inappropriately close to a producer on a dating show, said staffer is also married? Slam’s on you girl. For that reason I deem you the worst. Poor Chris Harrison he just wanted to ask a few questioins to the ladies that cried the most and then go sit in a room without any roses in it.
I would also like to say that the blooper reel last night was the best part of the two hours and the best part of the whole season. Clearly these people are not nearly as stiff and contrived as you edit them to be. If this is a reality show, why can’t we leave some of these moments in? It would be so refreshing. Are you worried about the show not looking polished? Because you shouldn’t. You’re not going to beat Amazing Race out of an Emmy for Best Reality Competition Series in your lifetime. So when it comes to Jake in the shower, more Flashdance moves, less Bally Total Fitness commercial moves.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Tracy: I’m a failure Liz Lemon, maybe I should just give up and try this crystal meth I’ve been hearing so much about.
Dear Tina 