Dear Tina,
If you were underwhelmed by the ladies’ performances on Tuesday night, then I hope you knew to crack open a Red Bull or take a hit of ecstasy because it only got worse. We’re going to get right to it for those that are still feeling fatigued from spending two hours trying to decipher if you were watching the top 24 or a rerun from auditions week. I know I am.
Todrick Hall kicked off the night with his own rendition of “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson. Whoever arranged this piece forgot the value in maintaining what made the original song a hit. Fine if you want to slow it down, change an instrument, have a man sing it, but make it entirely unrecognizable and you’re only going to hurt yourself (and my opinion of you). I like him because he has a background in theatre but if he experiences amnesia and next week does a rap version of a Kenny Chesney song, he may need to find the exit.
Aaron Kelly sang “Here Comes Goodbye” by Rascal Flatts. I just don’t have any patience for someone who comes into a competition of this magnitude looking like he gelled his hair and borrowed his older brother’s shirt for the junior high school dance. Also, the singing was bad. So lose-lose.
Jermaine Sellers was up next and sang “Get Here” by Oleta Adams. What? Why? I know that the theme of the week was Billboard hits so that leaves you with decades of options–what was your second choice? “Papa Loves Mambo” by Perry Como? Why would you pick a song 12 year olds have never heard of or would ever like to hear? You should know if you’re going to go on American Idol that they’re the ones voting for you. Also, the singing was bad. Third contestant to go and already a pattern is developing…
Then we had Tim Urban with “Apologize” by OneRepublic. This is where I would stare at you with wide eyes and slow blink for a minute to convey my feelings. But this is a blog and I only have my words. Just like Leo Tolstoy. He was called in after another guy had to leave the competition. Clearly the judges saw something in him that originally made them say “he’s not good enough for the next level.” And last night America got to see that something as well. I think he may have hit every note that he was incapable of hitting. I would also like to say that this is now the third season in a row someone has performed that song. Moratorium.
Joe Munoz came out and did Ryan the favor of making him look tall for the first time ever. He sang “You and I Both” by Jason Mraz. I can see why Mr. Mraz’s music would be appealing to a lot of contestants because he has such a pleasant tone that he makes his songs sound easy to sing. I myself once had a dream that I sang “I’m Yours” in an arena sized venue and received a standing ovation. However, in this case Joe bopping and snapping along to it was not the right choice. Also, I don’t think Joe got a second of air time prior to this so he virtually has no fan base other than his mom.
Tyler Grady remembered to show up, much to my dismay, and sang “American Woman” by Lenny Kravitz. He’s still riding on the fact that Victoria Beckham told him he had a cool look when in fact he looks like an extra from the Forrest Gump Washington Monument scene. I think I went to the bathroom during his performance.
Lee Dewyze sang “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol and officially secured himself the role of the “alternative rocker.” When in fact he has about as much rock in him as David Cook did, which was minimal. I like him though. I can look beyond the phoniness of someone thinking they are maintaining or building a”rocker” image through American Idol. What I couldn’t look beyond was his infuriating message tee that I, nor any of the people I was with when I watched it, could not figure out what it said or meant. If anyone knows please tell me. Truly though, he is one of two men in the competition I like. Maybe one of three.
John Park got the audience grooving to “God Bless the Child” by Billie Holiday. And then I performed “Muskrat Ramble” by The McGuire Sisters. Seriously guys this isn’t just bad song choice anymore this is like I felt like sleeping in so I just let me mom pick for me. John Park was another one who was barely featured on the show before the top 24 and he thinks he will garner our attention with that? Maybe if you sang it brilliantly. Good thing you didn’t sing it brilliantly so we don’t have to consider these hypotheticals. It’s time to go home. See you back in Northbrook, hope I run into you at the mall.
Michael Lynche or “Big Mike,” as America collectively feels the need to call him, sang “This Love” by Maroon 5. And smiled from ear to ear the entire time. I’m glad you were having so much fun but this isn’t really about fun. It’s about me judging you and my verdict is–bring that grin in, and put the guitar down because you don’t appear to be using it. His version of “This Love” also felt really fast to me and I think the syncopated rhythm of that song is what makes it work. He’ll stick around for awhile because his wife gave birth while he was in Hollywood so people find that charming. People meaning not his wife who might appreciate a husband at home as she raises a newborn.
Alex Lambert (not Adam, wah!) went with “Wonderful World” by James Morrison. His voice sounded nice but he looked a like a dog who just got out of the bath: shivering and wanting despearately to be back in a warm cage. I think I am going to boycott Alex Lambert until he trims the mullet. It’s the loudest thing about him and even that is shades of beige.
Casey James brought the most annoying segment of the episode and it wasn’t even his fault! He sang “Heaven” by Bryan Adams (more enjoyably performed by DJ Sammy) and did a lot of schmoozing with the camera. Casey, you may remember, attracted the attention of sweet Kara during the auditions so that received a lot of play from the judges. Not only did they carry on about how Kara felt about Casey in Casey’s video intro but then every single judge had to make a comment about it when he was done. Even Simon. I was disappointed. I’m sure he’s going to make it to the top 12 but there’s something about him that is not working for me. It’s something about thinking his ticket to the top is his charisma but he doesn’t actually have any. Shrug. We’ll see.
Finally after two long hours, we finally saw a glimmer of hope in the form of Andrew Garcia (Compton Danny Gokey). Andrew sang an acoustic version of “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boy. I was anticipating his performance all night long and so it was soul crushing to discover that none of the judges really liked it. Normally Simon can say anything and I’ll agree with it but that was not the case with Andrew. Simon threw out one of his favorite words “indulgent” which I thought was unfair because I didn’t see any difference between the way he sang that song and the way he sang “Straight Up,” the piece they all can’t stop crowing about. Despite the fact that Andrew looks like Harry Caray in those glasses, he is virtually our only hope when it comes to the men. So, please, be good to him judges. You’re going to give America the wrong idea and then we’ll be stuck with a couple of 16 year olds in the finale.
Whew. I just wrote that whole thing in one breath. A note about this post and the one from last night. As I have said before, I am trying to be conscious of length. I didn’t intend to write about all 12 girls last night, it just kind of developed that way. Having done that, I felt obligated to do the same for the men. Future formats will only revolve around stand out (good and bad) performances. For my sake and more importantly, yours.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Liz: As a frequent leaver of drunken messages, I can tell you no good can come from this.
Cerie: As a frequent receiver of drunk messages, they are not cute, even when they’re from Liz.
Dear Tina 