Dear Tina,
Alright we need to discuss something. I’ve been wrestling with this decision for about 24 hours. On one hand, writing about it may not be an honest reflection of my taste in television. On the other, it’s a popular topic in the media and this blog had less than 20 viewers today so I might be wise to try and attract a larger fan base. So I’m handing myself over to the majority. That’s right, it’s time to discuss the schmaltz fest that is Dancing With the Stars.
Now in the early stages of this project, I may have tried to come off as a sophisticated television viewer with very discernible taste. But then I kind of let it slip in there that I genuinely enjoy watching shows like Teen Mom and anything on Bravo. So while I’m being honest, I can tell you that I have truly never been a fan of Dancing With the Stars. I mean sure I would flip to it when Gossip Girl had a commercial break and when I saw Cloris Leachman lose her wig mid-dance, it was the highlight of my 2008 (runner-up would be graduating from college I guess), but I never got into it enough to consider myself a serious fan of the show. However, when I heard who would be appearing this season, my curiosity got the best of me and I knew come Monday I just had to be there. I was sold at Kate Gosselin.
So let’s look at what we have here. For the first time in ten seasons, I think this show has celebrities on it that people are actually still talking about. Unlike, say Belinda Carlisle or Joey Fatone. Maybe we should take the fact that she’s on Dancing With the Stars t as a sign that we should stop talking about Kate Gosselin. While we’re on the subject, I noted that it didn’t take longer than 3.6 seconds for her to do the requisite “hi kids!” into the camera. Yes we know you have kids (a lot if I recall) and we know that you’re incredibly self-conscious right now because the media is ripping you apart for being 2,000 miles away from them in order to participate in schmaltz fest 2010. And rip they should. You’re famous because you allowed your children to be a part of a television show that became a horrific, tabloid-frenzy nightmare with the details of your divorce splashed across the covers of magazines for all the world your children to see. And yet you still think the best way to support your family is by being on TV. I roll my eyes and shake my head at you Kate Gosselin. What happened to the woman who used to wear Mickey Mouse sweatshirts and tankinis? I miss her.
Oh, also, she danced badly. Judge Carrie Ann reminded her and America that she was the first contestant they’ve ever had that had no performance background whatsoever (acting, music, athletics). Good point Carrie Ann. So…now what do we do with her? Plus she looked like a combination of the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz and a bottle of Pepto Bismol.
Another notable performance was dear, sweet Buzz Aldrin. At 80 years old he is looking more dapper than ever in those sequined shirts. Buzz was given the Cha Cha for his first dance, poor thing. When it came time for the performance, he shuffled his feet just enough to win over the hearts of a whole new generation who were just twinkles in eyes when he shuffled across the moon. I appreciated how respectful the judges were of this man who is considered an American hero. Rather than handing over brutal comments along the lines of “well, you didn’t exactly dance, did you?” they commended him for his history of bravery and service and quietly mentioned that he lacked any sense of rhythm or movement. Also, Buzz has a twitter account. “T-minus one hour and counting to my Dancing w/the Stars debut! Last minute hair & makeup touchups-All I need is a good luck kiss from Lois.” Mom! Grandpa’s on the computer!
The contestant I take the second greatest issue with after KG would be Evan Lysacek. Sorry but I’m Team Johnny Weir. I’ve been watching Be Good Johnny Weir on the Sundance Channel the past couple of weeks and as a result I’ve developed a pretty serious connection to the figure skater I had never even heard of prior to the Vancouver Olympics. Seriously, how much more entertaining would this program be if Evan were replaced by Johnny? Johnny could pull of feathers and fringe better than any of those guys…or gals. It’s also possible that Evan had one too many rounds of spray tanning as he looked to be the same color as Snookie and therfore the same color as an orange. Finally, the following text messages may or may not have been sent SIMULTANEOUSLY last night at 8:00. For confidentiality’s sake I will set it up in the style of textsfromlastnight.com.
(847): Waitt, is evan lysacek supposed to be straight?
(630): Yeah im now on team “evan lysacek is definitely gay”
Sometimes people have the same brain and they can’t help that.
The finale of the season premiere was Pamela Anderson, the woman best known for her portrayal of blonde woman in plastic, clear heels. It was a good thing old Pammy got to go last because it looked like it was going to take the full two hours for whatever she took before the show to wear off. Even if you want to hate her (which I don’t because I’ve always found her hilarious in her simple way), you can’t in this instance because of all the contestants, she was the only one who managed to pull off having fun, not caring what other’s thought, and looking good doing it all at once. I don’t know if I can put up with Tom Bergeron making jokes about turning into a 12 year old boy at the sight of her all season long, but I do hope she sticks around. If only to see more interpretations of that insane crazy bed head she was sporting and her looks to the camera that convinced me she thought she was shooting a Playboy pay per view special.
Other notable moments include Niecy Nash making a case for her “jiggly parts” and Vienna sitting in the audience to support her Bachelor Jake with Gia (second runner-up) sitting next to her. Do you girls, like, hang out? Or did you just run into each other at the taping for the show? Either way, thank you both for not wearing a tiara as you are both prone to doing so.
Disappointing moments include Shannen Doherty NOT acting like a diva wench. Yet. Also, using “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha already. I wa$ hoping we would never be $ubjected to the Dancing With the $tar$ band’$ interpretation of this talk-$ing hit.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Kenneth: I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.
Tracy: I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks.
Dear Tina 