Dear Tina,
Last night on American Idol they mixed things up by opening the show with what appeared to be a Ryan Seacrest floating head on the screen. It looked like something out of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I guess they were just filming his face at a zoom of about 1000 as it eventually went back to regular size Seacrest. Regular size Seacrest also known as miniature size adult. Either way it terrified me so let’s shut that down for the future. Before we get to the contestants I have two items I must address. The first, I am calling for a moratorium on the following phrase and word from the judges.
- “I saw you were singing that song and I was like ‘what?! That’s weird!'” Ok I don’t know if the judges are bragging that they get to see the song list before we do or if they’re just easily surprised but I don’t need to hear how you felt before the performance. This show is already two hours long–don’t make it lengthier by letting us in on your pre-show fretting.
- “Swagger.” Telling a contestant that they have swagger or used to have swagger or should have swagger is quickly becoming as helpful as telling a contestant that they were “pitchy” or that it was “all over the place.” Either say something constructive or turn it over to Simon.
The second item is Kara DioGuardi getting a little too comfortable in that judge’s chair. She’s beginning to act like her opinion is as valuable as Simon’s. Like when Simon offers a critique that goes against what Kara just said and Kara pipes in “I totally disagree.” Yes, my dear, we know. We just listened to you speak and we are capable of interpreting contrasting opinions. Also, the incessant flirting with Simon has got to go. Simon gives her an inch and she takes a mile. Watching her flirt with him is like watching the head cheerleader flirt with the captain of the football team when you know he’s slept with everyone on the squad. Cut it out.
On to the talent. And with regards to last night, I use that word loosely. Oh I should mention that the theme last night was Billboard #1 singles and the guest mentor was Miley Cyrus. I can’t wait for that girl’s articulation abilities to surpass a fourteen year old’s.
Lee Dewyze, The Letter by The Box Tops. As I’ve said before, there’s little to complain about when it comes to Lee. He’s easy on the eyes, has a nice voice to listen to, he even has that shy rocker quality about him that makes women feel the need to rescue him from his own vulnerability. That being said, I was a little surprised to hear the first three judges make such a fuss over his performance. I mean, it was fine. They should all be fine, they’re in the top 11 for pete’s sake. Simon came through, as he always does, and told Lee that his performance didn’t define him as a contemporary recording artist. If someone wanted The Letter performed at their wedding, Lee’s performance would be what you’re looking for because it would provide another way for you to utilize that horn section you paid extra for. But this competition is trying to carve a pop star out of a complete unknown and that process requires more creativity and originality than Lee has brought thus far.
Paige Miles, Against All Odds by Phil Collins. Yeesh. This was a performance that even someone who was tone deaf could sense had gone horribly wrong. I take notes while each contestant sings and here I opened my laptop to write “It’s terrible.” Followed by “Oh seriously, it’s terrible” twenty seconds later. Poor Randy was at a loss for words but resigned himself to putting it simply: “Really? Honestly? That was terrible. Really. Honestly.” Kara bemoaned that it appeared Paige had stopped trying and she was right. Before, after, during—Paige looked resolved to stink up the joint. That lack of want on top of being in the bottom two last week is likely to send Paige packing tonight.
Tim Urban, Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen. I have a history of not liking to dedicate too much time and energy toward Tim. We know why. If not, I can continue to remind everyone until he is gone that it was an atrocious decision on behalf of America to vote Tim through and leave Alex Lambert at home while his angelic voice falls on deaf ears. Back to Tim (I guess). As much as Kara was grating on my nerves, I loved that she reminded Tim that he is not a star, he has no real fan base, and therefore should not be moving in and out of the crowd, slapping girls’ hands as if he was someone to idolize. Simon called the performance “pointless” and I threw the remote control at the TV when I saw that he still has not gotten a haircut.
Aaron Kelly, I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. You know what this song reminds me of? Junior high school dances. When I was in seventh and eighth grade this was a slow dance song and the worst song to have someone you didn’t like ask you to dance because it was painstakingly long. For the sake of live TV, Aaron’s version was shortened, yet felt even longer. Aaron had come down with a case of laryngitis and tonsillitis so he was getting a lot of sympathy comments for that. All of the judges appear to be fans of his but I suspect only because they acknowledge he has a good voice, certainly not implying that he should actually win this thing. At the very end Ryan Seacrest referred to him as David Archuleta. Point, Seacrest. Also, please don’t throw around “best of the night” comments when we’re only on contestant four KARA.
Crystal Bowersox, Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. Killed it. This girl is as authentic as this show gets. She is a true artist who knows exactly what style fits her and how to impact an audience with her entire presence. Or as Randy put it, “That is what’s called being a star and being a dope singer.” Ahh just as Jane Austen would have described her. Crystal is clearly Simon’s favorite and I think he was relieved to be able to refer to her as the best performance of the night by the end of the episode. On the more critical side, I have to give Ellen credit for giving Crystal a note that was probably the smartest observation she has made since joining the judges table. Ellen reminded Crystal that she has a huge fan base and people are giving her a lot of love and she wants to be sure Crystal is showing her fans that she is appreciative of their support. I worry with Crystal that her quirkiness (like sitting down on that carpet while Ryan gave out her voting number) is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. But Crystal has Simon in her corner and that can usually take a contestant all the way to the finale.
Michael Lynche, When A Man Loves A Woman by Percy Sledge. Forget Dancing With The Stars, Michael Lynche is the new one man schmaltz fest 2010. Where Michael is now slipping up is the love affair he’s having with himself. Michael seems to want to take on a heartbreaker persona of some sort which is never going to work because his wife gave birth while he was on the show. Not interested. Kara called it loungey and Simon described it as asking for one scoop of ice cream and getting eleven. I reiterate, everyone left in this competition can sing. So the goal should now be to pick a song that the audience will appreciate hearing from you. Michael failed before he even began when he chose one of the most overplayed, can I say schmaltziest?, love songs of all time. No one appreciates that.
Andrew Garcia, I Heard It Through The Grapevine by Marvin Gaye. Ooo, I was dreading getting here. Last week I threatened to step off the Andrew Garcia aka Compton Danny Gokey aka Compton Harry Caray bandwagon if he didn’t pull out something great this week. Off I go. All I kept thinking about during his performance were the countless times we were taught in Acting class about the dangers of indicating. One of my professors once told the class that if you’re going to point at yourself every time you say “I” or “me” in a script, then go ahead and point or gesture in some way with every single pronoun. Sure enough the absurdity of such superfluous movement was made clear. That was exactly what Andrew was doing. Gesturing without reason because he had no idea what else to do with his body. He was awkward, spent a good portion of the song looking at the floor, and the song itself wasn’t in anyway challenging. I think Simon said it best when he said maybe they had overestimated the Straight Up performance from the start. I’m sorry but even if it was as fantastic as they all remember it to be, one good performance does not an artist make. It’s time to move on.
Katie Stevens, Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie. Now to prove to you that I’m not a 23 year old kermudgen, set in my ways with the inability to change my opinion about anything. I thought Katie Stevens was great last night. She finally found a song that made her seem youthful, she sang it well, and she didn’t look like a something out of a spring JC Penny catalog. Although I loved her new look, someone needs to tell girlfriend she still can’t pull of neon suspenders. Don’t think I didn’t see them. I was happy to see Katie’s many attempts to apply the judges’ critiques correctly finally pay off. All that being said, despite my willingness to applaud her success, I’m still not a fan. When she sings it sounds like her tongue is lodged in the back of her throat. I also don’t think she has enough personality to be a successful artist. Also, Kara must have done something annoying during this moment because in my notes I have “Kara needs to take a sedative.” Shock.
Casey James, Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News. I didn’t get to mention this last week because I don’t comment on the results shows, but Casey wore his hair in a ponytail during that episode and boy is that a look he pulls off. Unfortunately, his song choice last night wasn’t well known or catchy enough for anyone to get excited over it. I actually can’t believe that song was #1 at one point. Sorry if you’re a big Huey Lewis and the News fan Tina. He still sang it really well, and as Randy pointed out, he’s easily one of the best musicians they’ve ever had on the show, referring to his guitar skills. Kara felt he was ready to make an album after last night and Simon thought it wasn’t contemporary. So I figure as long as Casey picks a more current song, or at least arranges a more current interpretation, Simon might climb aboard the Casey James love train. And we need that because right now, he is one of about five contestants I don’t want to fast forward through.
Didi Benami, You’re No Good by Linda Ronstadt. I’ve always liked Didi but it’s probably not a good sign when, after remembering Siobhan, I couldn’t figure who was left to perform. Didi’s performance felt like an audition for a college student production of Chicago. After going through a rough round of judging, Didi defended her song choice and performance style by saying she wanted to show her versatility and “just wanted to have fun.” Everyone this season seems to be really concerned with having a lot of fun. I mean, please do, but also sing well while you’re doing that. This isn’t spring break and you’re not performing in a karaoke contest at Senor Frogs. Didi’s not going anywhere this week but for the future I would recommend she get a thicker skin. She looks like she’s going to break down and cry or scratch the judges’ eyes out every time they tell her they didn’t like her performance.
Siobhan Magnus, Superstition by Stevie Wonder. I didn’t really allow myself to like Siobhan until last week. Now, all of my leftover support for Andrew Garcia is going to her. This doesn’t make her my top choice (ahem, Crystal) but I do look forward to seeing what she has come up with, the way I used to eagerly anticipate Andrew’s performances. I will say she definitely needs to put the kibosh on that screeching high note at the end of all her performances for at least one week. Simon warned her that she was going to start annoying people if she makes that choice every single week. Siobhan confided that the last note is her favorite part of the song because it’s “so fun” and if she could sing the whole song like that, she would. My suggestion? Don’t.
By the end of the episode Simon looked exhausted from all of the mediocrity he just sat through. He warned the contestants, with the exception of Crystal, that they need to start pushing themselves. My official prediction is that Paige Miles will be going home tonight but really there are a handful to choose from. “Tonight was not a good night.” No it wasn’t Simon, no it wasn’t.
Finally, if you watched Gossip Girl on Monday night like you should have then you may have heard a song that caused your ears to perk up and ignore Blake Lively’s obscene cleavage for the first time all episode. If you didn’t watch, I suggest you give it a listen. It may not be Huey Lewis and the News but that’s good because it’s better.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Liz: While you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle into my DVD player?
Jack: You did. You watched it for about an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, and then turned it off.
Dear Tina 