Dear Tina,
The plot thickened tonight on Gossip Girl as we learned that the return of Serena’s father William means more than just a plot to destory Lily’s health. It also means he’s moving in on his former family and dealing with the wrath of his son Eric who William abandoned when he was only two. Wondering how I did with you out of the picture dad? Well I’m gay and tried to kill myself. That’s a lesson for lazy fathers everwhere, isn’t it? They should turn that scene into a PSA. Gossip Girl keeps implying with her mind-numbing narration that all the happy couples on the show will soon face conflict that will shake the roots of their stable young relationships. Um, dur, it’s a TV show on the CW…you have to be 12 and under to think that any of these couples have a legitimate shot at survival. The show won’t introduce the possibility of marriage until every girl has dated every guy on the series. Or in the case of One Tree Hill, they don’t introduce the possibility of marriage until at least the kids are in their senior year of high school. In tonight’s episode, Lily continues to be cared for poisoned by William, Serena reveals a history of absinthe abuse to her father, and Blair pretends to be a student at Columbia University in order to maintain her status in the grown-up world as Queen B. And all of this is occurring with snow on the ground. It’s May sweeps GG! Don’t rain on our spring parade with your premature shooting schedule! Egads, where are the floral prints and Serena’s rompers? We’ve had enough of your drab weather and fabulous coats.
As always, the episode was chock full of circumstances that had I experienced in high school, I probably would have hit the absinthe bottle pretty hard as well. Let’s take a look.
Gossip Girl Moment: Lily’s ex-husband and Serena’s father, William, continues to make his presence known on the Upper East Side. He announces plans to sublease an apartment in the same building Lily lives in with current husband Rufus. Lily and Serena couldn’t be more thrilled as they recognize the opportunity for William to bond with his children and simultaneously care for Lily as she continues cancer treatment. Rufus is not thrilled with this arrangement and suspects that William has ill-intentions that involve stealing his wife from him. As a coping mechanism, Rufus bakes excessively and presents a breakfast spread on par with a five star hotel.
Real Moment: A newlyweds’ foundation is rocked when the ex-husband moves into the same town with his much younger wife who is pregnant with twins. The wife in the newlywed couple can’t stop complaining about how much she hates her ex-husband. Her current husband interprets this constant chatter as an indication that she still has feelings for him and all this hatred is really a jealousy issue. Woman assures husband that the idea of sleeping with her ex makes her ill and she’s never been happier in her whole life. The two couples continue to live in the same neighborhood for the next decade or so with woman taking jabs at ex’s wife’s parenting skills and shunning her from all social circles in the community. As a coping mechanism, current husband takes up golf and drinking in excess.
Gossip Girl Moment: Dan and Vanessa are still recovering from only the latter getting into Tisch at NYU when both had applied for the single transfer spot. After Dan hands Vanessa her Tisch catalogue in a huff, Vanessa addresses the tension in the room, acknowledging how hard this transition has been with him mad at her. Dan comes up with a brilliantly unselfish plan to request that neither of them speak about any current or future success they (but mainly just Vanessa because remember Dan, you aren’t as talented) encounter. All conversations from this point forward will only regard the most mundane topics like where to eat lunch. Vanessa gets a phone call and clearly has big news to share but is not allowed to under the new world order. It turns out Vanessa has been offered an internship with CNN that would require her to travel to Haiti for three months. Because New Orleans was so five years ago.
Real Moment: Girl, who is experiencing all of her collegiate dreams coming true, is an emotional wreck thanks to her jerk of an unsupportive boyfriend. They fight about this very issue 3-4 times a day without ever considering working through a resolution. They continue to date as long as they continue to have sex (for him) and they don’t have to go through the humiliation of changing their relationship status on Facebook (for her). When it comes to light that girl has received a summer internship at her dad’s company where she will have the hands-on experience of wearing the suit she bought from J. Crew and sitting in on meetings hungover, boy becomes even more distant and spends a majority of his day sulking at the public pool where he works on the maintenance staff.
Gossip Girl Moment: Serena is having a tough time forgiving stepsister Jenny for blatantly trying to steal her boyfriend in last week’s episode. She nonchalantly seeks revenge on Jenny by involving the most conniving person she knows, Blair (I wish the most conniving person I knew was my best friend. How convenient). Blair is initially at a loss for how to properly put Jenny in her place, until one of her current minions reveals that her boyfriend bought prescription drugs from Jenny a few months ago. Blair immediately sends out a “blast” to Gossip Girl so that she can pass on the dirt to the youth of Manhattan. Blair couldn’t be more pleased as her headband-adorned lackeys praise her for the viciousness they had only heard about, but never before witnessed.
Real Moment: In the dynamic of a step-household, girl would immediately tell her mom that her stepsister was trying to seduce her boyfriend. Did Marsha ever let Greg get away with anything without running to Carol to get him in trouble? I actually don’t know, I never really watched The Brady Bunch, but I suspect not. Mom, who doesn’t want to deal with any potential threats to her marriage, tells her daughter that she’s too beautiful to fret over her stepsister’s schoolgirl crush on her boyfriend. Girl screams something about never understanding her and always taken the side of the girl who “ISN’T EVEN YOUR REAL DAUGHTER” and runs to her room in hysterics. Girl calls best friend who listens kindly but is thinking in her head “why am I still sorting through drama involving high school students? I thought we graduated.”
Gossip Girl Moment: With Lily being so sick, it is important to her to spend time with her family. As Bart Bass’s widow, Lily considers Chuck Bass a part of her family and is saddened by his refusal to spend time with her. Some of his friends try to talk some sense into Chuck but to no avail. When Chuck flashed a bag filled with a white powdery substance (maybe baking soda, probably not), Nate just left his jaw open and continued to breathe through his mouth. It isn’t until Blair comes over to talk some sense into Chuck and point out that the only reason he is avoiding Lily is because he can’t bare the thought of losing another family member. Unfortuntely, Blair visiting Chuck on a whim does not give Chuck enough time to tidy up and maybe remove all the bras around the apartment. There was one on the coffee table, one in the chandelier, one on a side table like it was a tchotchke. Clearly the man has been busy and the women in enough of a rush to leave in the morning that they keep forgetting to put all their clothes back on.
Real Moment: When leaving a one night stand’s in the morning, a bra is not going to be the item that girl doesn’t think to grab. Maybe an earring or a bangle, definitely a hair extension–I’ve seen Maury enough to know that. But not a bra. If a girl is out on the town and looking or willing to participate in a one night stand, she is likely wearing one of her favorite bras and those aren’t cheap. Also, the only time a bra ends up in a chandelier is when the set decorator on a TV show isn’t creative enough to find a new way to depict raucous behavior.
Gossip Girl Moment: Jenny’s experience as a drug dealer leads her to the key to unlock the mystery that is “What is William doing to Lily to make her produce cancer-like symptoms?” After a chat with one of her clients who complains that whatever she sold her didn’t get her high but gave her a yeast infection (TMI), Jenny is worried and goes home and uses “Bing” to search cancer. That’s nice to see. Jenny turning her rebellious phase into something positive. The kind of wholesome, moralistic tale we are used to seeing on Gossip Girl. Before you know it Chuck will be using his promiscuity to cure AIDS.
Real Moment: First of all, once again, if girl has research to do she’s going to Wikipedia. Or Google. But nice try, product placement. Secondly, girl is of the generation (unlike her parents) who knows the importance of specificity in an internet search. Searching “cancer” would take you to the American Cancer Society’s website. Girl is going to search “drug that looks like Oxycontin and causes yeast infections” if she has any hope of finding the information she’s looking for. But more to the point, if girl is under the impression that mom or stepmom is being poisoned and her health is at serious risk, girl will contact said mother figure or father in a teenage hysterical panic. She does not call her 18 year old friend with a drinking problem to say “there’s something weird about her medicine” unless she means something harmless like a pill addiction and she really just wants to gossip about it instead of fix it.
Two episodes left until the finale and there appears to be no sign of Jenny wearing less makeup. We can assume that it will eventually come out that William has been drugging Lily but not before an angry Rufus muffles Jenny’s cries for attention. I’m predicting a closing conversation between the two along the lines of “I should have listened to you but then you have got to stop dealing drugs, ok kiddo?” We’ll have to wait and see!
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Jack: Lemon, this is Elisa.
Liz: What? Come on, you’re a nurse?
Elisa: Yeah, some of us are hot.
Dear Tina 