Dear Tina,
Last night on American Idol, Jamie Foxx stopped by to mentor the kids and reminded us that we should be more upset that he has an Oscar. And possibly even more upset that he has a Grammy. Don’t get me wrong. In 2005 I was all about the Booty Call star receiving an Oscar, I like that kind of underdog story, but his manner when informing others on how to achieve success is downright obnoxious. For example, while mentoring Lee DeWyze, Jamie got inches from his face and instructed him to start singing. The only way this tactic could have been more aggressive would be if Jamie started screaming “Sing! Sing!” in German. The reasoning behind this, Jamie later shared, was if Lee can’t handle this then he can’t handle singing in front of 10,000 people. I hear your point there Jamie but the fact of the matter is, Lee has been singing in front of 20 million+ viewers for about three months now so…maybe you want to take a step back. Before the results show aired it was my hope that Michael Lynche would go home in order to have the ultimate emo-acoustic guitar-off in Idol history.
Tonight the theme was music from film. If you were hoping for a country-blues inspired version of “My Heart Will Go On” from Casey James you will be sorely disappointed.
Lee DeWyze, Kiss From a Rose by Seal. I think it’s time someone acknowledge that this song from the Batman Forever soundtrack is not as affective as one might like to believe it is. Sure it has a nice melody but really it should be reserved for background music at a gynecologist’s office or a playlist for a 90s themed party you throw as an excuse to ironically accessorize your outfit with a mini backpack. A disappointing and predictable choice for Lee. Randy threw out some generic advice by telling him he should have chosen a rock song. Really? Because whenever contestants go that route they inevitably choose “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from Armageddon and I have uncomfortable flashbacks to slow dancing in seventh grade. Simon told him that he was trying too hard to sound like the original and other such repetitive nonsense about making it “original” and making it “you.” Lee explained his choice by saying, and I may or may not be paraphrasing here, “I found it and I liked it!” Mmm not the most articulate fellow. That’s ok, your eyes sparkle so you’re safe.
Michael Lynche, Will You Be There by Michael Jackson. Michael stepped into dangerous territory last night if he is at all concerned with my opinion. And I imagine he is. “Will You Be There” from the Free Willy soundtrack is one of my favorite songs of all time. Last summer while sitting around my friend’s kitchen table I threw my head back so aggressively while lip-synching to this song that I hit my head on the glass cabinet behind me. Granted the original song is a bit lengthy but Michael’s 1:40 mishmash of verses and choruses and vocal runs was filled with poor, indulgent decisions. Ellen called the performance “a little bit predictable.” Yes! Ellen! That’s the kind of insight I have been looking for all season. It was predictable. I have a feeling Michael went to the producers and asked which of the song choices could incorporate a gospel choir that could enhance his “soulfulness.” Kara told him that it was a performance he could do in his sleep and a confused Simon said “I can’t connect a whale named Willy and what you just did.” Oh Simon, you’re so British. Just for making one of the greatest songs from the late Michael Jackson so mediocre, Michael needs to back his bags. Also, I’m not sure of the context, but in my notes I wrote “Jamie Foxx reminds me of the most annoying person I’ve ever met.” Sounds about right.
Casey James, Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel. It’s been a day but I’m pretty sure Ryan introduced this song as the theme from The Graduate. Er, couldn’t it be argued that the theme from The Graduate is Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence” as it was used three times in the film and the version of “Mrs. Robinson” as the radio knows it was not actually the version you hear in the film? I think I could make that argument but you’re a Top 40 guy Ryan so I’ll let it slide. Now with Casey’s performance, first of all, get those girls swaying and clapping behind him away from him. We know they’re doing it because a producer told them to and they want to be on TV. It’s distracting. If the song wasn’t about an older woman’s seduction of a recent college graduate, then I would say the way Casey sang it sounded almost like something you’d hear performed at a church youth group. It lacked a mature quality and bordered on being hokey. The judges were a mess when it came time to critique, making about a dozen references to Kara being a cougar preying on Casey. That joke wasn’t funny the first time it was mentioned four months ago and I am disappointed to see that they are so unoriginal as to bring up again this far into the competition. Simon finally reeled it in, acknowledging that Casey actually has a lot on the line here and as much as Kara would like to believe differently, it’s not about her. He told him “It was a little bit lazy and I think you could have made more of an impact.” Get in the game Case, it’s top 4.
Crystal Bowersox, I’m Alright by Kenny Loggins. This song from Caddyshack was by far the most original song choice of the group and went on to be the strongest solo performance of the night. But unfortunately during movie week, that was kind of like taking home the least amount of Razzies. Still, Crystal came back after two bad weeks and proved that she is as talented as we thought and as creative as her dreadlocks make her appear to be. Ellen told her that she had taken the song and made it better — true –and Kara, suffering a bout of tourettes, told Crystal “Artist. Artist. Artist.” Solid advice as always. Simon told Crystal that she was back in the game and then WINKED! I tell you if I had a dying wish it would be for Simon Cowell to wink at me. During the judging their were multiple camera shots to and multiple conversations regarding Crystal’s boyfriend who must have been moments away from bedtime because he was dressed in a high school gym shirt and American flag pants. Patriotism in the form of pants will not get you points, sir. Briefly, this song reminded me of this gem from Arrested Development which is far more entertaining than the song itself:
Lucille: How’s my son?
Doctor: He’s going to be all right.
Lindsay Funke: Finally some good news from this guy.
George Michael Bluth: There’s no other way to take that.
Doctor: That’s a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don’t know that I’d take it this well.
Lucille: But you said he was alright.
Doctor: Yes, he’s lost his left hand. So he’s going to be “all right.”
There were two duet performances interspersed in last night’s episode, first Lee and Crystal and later a closing number from Casey and Michael. The judges all agreed that both performances were enormously better than any solo they had heard that night. It was a little sad to see the pairings because clearly the producers were presenting your top two and your soon-to-be-forgotten two. Michael and Casey sang “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” from Don Juan DeMarco. Ellen chimed in, “As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman.” Cue uproarious laughter. Aww, everyone loves a lesbian joke as told by a lesbian. Lee and Crystal blew every performance from this season to date out of the water with “Falling Slowly” from Once. Enjoy below.
Michael Lynche did go home and no one was more upset about than his wife. Which was sweet, but also just reminded me that Michael skipped out on the birth of his child for this so…hope it was worth it. Next week the top three go home and we the viewers get to see great footage of Arlington Race Track during Lee’s homecoming. Chicago’s northern suburbs should be so proud.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Jenna: He was flirting. Did you ever even talk to him?
Liz: I yelled at him about a rule violation.
Dear Tina 