Dear Tina,
I’m warning you now, if you haven’t watched the season finale of Gossip Girl, you should either stop reading now or hope that I am about to reveal every twist and turn that occurred. Because I am. I guess it depends on what kind of television viewer you are. Some people don’t mind knowing the outcome. Then there are people like my sister, who still doesn’t want to be told who the final 3 from Project Runway season 4 are (original air date: March 2008). If that’s you, again, you may want to stop reading. Normally I don’t offer these kind of warnings because I figure, if you’re reading this you should know what you’re getting yourself into, but I hold season finales very near and dear to my heart so precautions must be taken.
That being said…oh my Jenny Humphrey you lost your virginity to Chuck. Bet that pill pusher/sex pusher ambassador’s son isn’t looking so bad right about now. Everything that happened to Jenny in this episode, from the abandonment of her entire family to the shot of her crying when she looked like Gollum, gave me anxiety and her inability to cope with it all felt painfully true to teenage form. If this were a movie of the week and not a television series that relies on years and years of character development and actor contracts, Jenny would have killed herself by the end. I know that sounds grim, but really: “Nate loves Serena. Dan loves Vanessa…God knows why…And Chuck loves me. But you Jenny? No one loves you. Except your daddy. And, after what you pulled yesterday, who knows if that’s even true anymore.” Yeesh. What high schooler survives that kind of diatribe? Not one you’d meet over on the Lifetime network. Jenny persevered-ish and while we hoped to see a light at the end of this tunnel of destruction, it just got darker and darker. The decision to have sex with Chuck…Chuck’s immediate dismissal of her when it was over…Blair exiling her from the island of Manhattan as if she were Medea. You just wanted to hold her and tell her it would all be ok when she goes to college and finds people who love her for her, but if this show has taught me anything it is that Jenny will definitely not go to college and her problems will only get worse as ratings continue to slide.
I was starting to wonder why Jenny had been getting so much screen time in the second half of this season. Unheard of for the character whose primary function in the first two seasons was to act as a pushover so the audience could see the ways in which Blair abused her power as Queen B. I would have preferred we steer clear of story lines involving the 16 year old with more lace at her disposal than the entire Vegas burlesque community, but as it turns out all this attention may have been the result of actress Taylor Momsen’s personal hiatus from the show come next fall. I did a little research and discovered Taylor will be on tour with her band this summer and will not be able to return to New York in time for the start of season four shooting. At the end of the episode, when the character hopped aboard a train to Hudson where she would be living with her mom until she finished high school, it suddenly became very clear that Rufus wasn’t so much saying goodbye to Jenny as the show was saying goodbye to Taylor. At least temporarily. I was really anticipating Jenny’s symbolic and literal departure from her destructive Manhattan lifestyle to involve less eyeliner, but alas, it did not.
Despite the many distractions Jenny personally caused me throughout this episode, ones that caused me to look back fondly at my more mainstream risque behavior in high (ie never finishing The Odyssey), I was still able to note an abundance of scenarios that I suspect don’t hold up in the real world; not even the real world of the Upper East Side. We digest below.
Gossip Girl Moment: Jenny and Nate wake up in Nate’s bed the morning after Serena accuses him of being the worst boyfriend ever — or whatever that marble-mouthed indictment was. As much as Jenny is loving the fact that she got to spend the night in Nate’s bed wearing Nate’s shirt, he makes it perfectly clear as soon as he opens his eyes that there was nothing romantic about that situation. Jenny whines about Nate falling asleep in the middle of her sentence (“You mean monologue?”) but in general she thanks Nate for being the ear piece to which she could sound off about all her problems. He politely asks her not to get the wrong impression and she miserably acknowledges how much he loves Serena.
Real Moment: Boyfriend and girlfriend have textbook fight that lead both to find comfort elsewhere. When a former crush shows up at boyfriend’s apartment, he uses this opportunity to mouth off about his wench of a girlfriend if only to hear the words “you’re right” and “you did nothing wrong” for the first time since his relationship began. Despite the compassion of the former crush, at the end of the night, boyfriend realizes that no matter how complicated it is, what he has isn’t worth giving up. Unfortunately he realizes this at 3 am while former crush is still there. To avoid any possible risk of giving the wrong impression, he offers his bed to her and sleeps on the couch. In the morning he pretends to be sleeping as she unsubtly gathers her things and leaves.
Gossip Girl Moment: Rufus is at his wits end with Jenny and all of her malevolent behavior. While having breakfast with Lily at their Upper East Side apartment, Lily asks what Rufus is planning on doing to change the direction of Jenny’s destructive path. All of this girl drama is new to Rufus and he explains what he has come up with thus far: “I sent her to the loft to stay with Dan until I decide what to do.” Because when it comes to wrangling a 16 year old, there is no better babysitter than your 18 year old son. Of course, Jenny isn’t at her Brooklyn loft, she’s at Nate’s. But when she does return home in the morning she spies Dan and Serena sleeping in Dan’s bed together. She immediately snaps a shot of the two and sends it to Gossip Girl. When the photo goes viral, it isn’t until Dan spies a coffee cup with Jenny’s name on it in the apartment that he solves the great mystery of who ever could have done such a thing.
Real Moment: When a parent has grounded a child over such crimes as dealing prescription drugs and assisting a man in trying to break up that parent’s marriage, parent sacrifices a large portion of his day to day activity to monitoring the whereabouts of the child. If the child isn’t already in rehab, she is certainly escorted to and from school and stripped of all privileges including cell phone usage and social outings (sleepovers at college-aged men’s apartments are particularly frowned upon). Meanwhile, if former boyfriend and girlfriend reconnect over an emotional experience and girlfriend feels the need to talk the situation to death, boy will take her to his dorm room. No matter how small the dorm, all 18 year olds prefer a space that offers complete privacy without the potential threat of a parent walking in on them. Sure twin beds are snug, but nothing is more suffocating than the sounds of your dad’s footsteps. Also, if boyfriend found out who leaked information that could potentially destroy his relationship, he wouldn’t so much roll his eyes as he would seek the kind of revenge only capable of an older brother who has been wronged by his little sister. Right?
Gossip Girl Moment: While Blair is in Brooklyn to remind Jenny for the umpteenth time what a terrible person she is, she runs into Dan outside his apartment building and seeks confirmation that he is not, in fact, interested in pursuing Serena despite the most recent Gossip Girl blast. All this talk of love brings Blair to the conclusion that she and Chuck are meant to be together. But it wouldn’t be a television show if, when the heroine is facing a beat the clock scenario, another character didn’t go into labor. Sure enough, before Blair can find a new way to use “Bass” in a pun, Dorota’s water breaks and off everyone (including Dan) goes to the hospital. At the hospital to celebrate in Darota’s joy is Blair, Blair’s mom, Blair’s stepdad, Dan, Serena, and Nate. Oh and I guess the father, Darota’s husband, was there too but he kind of took second fiddle to Serena’s outfit.
Real Moment: I don’t know what it is about television shows that would like to make us believe that our maids are our best friends (The Brady Bunch, Who’s The Boss, Gimme A Break), but as someone who’s job is 60% nannying, 40% maid, I can tell you that my employers and their extended family and friends would not be in attendance at the birth of my child.
Gossip Girl Moment: Georgina is back. She came in through Union Station wearing a blonde wig and oversized sunglasses. No one seems to notice that she’s around and while she may think it’s because of her disguise, I suspect it has more to do with everyone pretending not to recognize her in hopes that she’ll eventually just go away. The reason for the disguise has something to do with her vague references to being in trouble with “the Russians.” The entire population? Maybe just a handful. While at the hospital, Georgina (ahh yes she was there too) overhears the game Dan and Serena are playing where they find a baby behind the glass and use it to discuss one another’s issues, i.e. “That baby is going to have great hair and a great smile but her dad issues are going to make it hard for her to trust people.” God remind me not to go see Babies with those two. Once they leave, Georgina approaches the glass and says, “And this baby is going to do something to make the other babies hate her.” Alright Georgina I know you’re just walking into this game but you’re plan isn’t to actually con what you interpret to be baby versions of the Gossip Girl cast, right? This isn’t, like, Tiny Toon Adventures. At the end of the episode, Georgina shows up at the Humphrey loft and tells Dan that she is pregnant with his baby. Yawn.
Real Moment: I was once in a hospital visiting a friend and tried to find the floor with all the babies. This was frowned upon. And by frowned upon I mean prevented by security. I suspect Dan, Serena, and Georgina would have run into similar security issues had this entire scenario actually occurred in the real world. That being said, girl who’s rap sheet includes outing her friend’s brother, blackmailing this friend, putting roofies in the friend’s drink, and lying about her identity to the friend’s then boyfriend in order to steal his affections, if she came to said former boyfriend (even if they did technically have sex some months ago) and said “I’m pregnant with your baby”, boyfriend would likely insist on a paternity test. Or at least ask her to lift her shirt and prove the bump isn’t a fake. Here’s the thing. All plots and subplots involving Georgina Sparks are tired. You had our attention the first time around but you can’t continue to drop Georgina into very season finale and still expect us to wonder how the Gossip Girl gang will ever muddle their way out of this one. Like the fourth doctor who received a “Mc-adjective” name on Grey’s Anatomy — it’s not clever, it’s just annoying.
Gossip Girl Moment: After Blair tells Chuck that she tried to find him at the Empire State Building and she does indeed still love him, it doesn’t take long for her to find out about his devirginizing of Jenny. Gold star goes to Dan for not dragging that secret into next season and taking care of it with one sucker punch to Chuck’s face. Blair tells Chuck that “this whole night never happened.” To mend his broken heart, Chuck travels overseas and somehow ends up on the set of the 1980s inspired remake of Casablanca. There, while he stumbles around in a trench coat and suit (for a man so worldly, his wardrobe never seems to go on vacation), he is approached by some of the local thugs. He reminds them that he is Chuck Bass and their weapons remind him that they don’t care. They discover the engagement ring he had purchased for Blair in his pocket and Chuck begs them to take anything but the ring. He even tells them to take him to a bank where he will give them more money — presumably more than the ring is even worth. They don’t seem to take too kindly to that idea as they run away, ring in hand, but not before SHOOTING HIM FIRST. CHUCK GOT SHOT! Way to go Gossip Girl season finale. You have assured my interest in tuning in next season to see if Chuck will live or die. Spoiler Alert: he’ll live.
Real Moment: After boy is reunited with the love of his life, his heart is broken once again when she finds out he slept with the (underage) menace that has been the root cause of all her and her friends’ problems. She tells him to never contact her again and he takes that as his cue to drink himself stupid that evening. While it might be tempting to mend his broken heart with a one night stand, his intoxication level doesn’t allow for great success when it comes to female interaction. After his 10th jack and coke of the evening (preceded by a variety of shots all regrettably placed on his tab), boy throws up on the bar and is immediately escorted out by a bouncer. His aggressive nature does not invite many cab drivers to accept his request for a ride home and he ends up passing out on a patch of grass. Three ne’er-do-wells approach him, one pulls out a Sharpie, and draw a variety of phallic symbols on his face. Spoiler Alert: it doesn’t come off with the first wash.
With that, Gossip Girl season three comes to a close. It’s been a whirlwind, what with this group of seven changing partners more frequently than a do-si-do competition. At least they threw a Baldwin into the mix to keep things interesting. Maybe next season Stephen Baldwin can make an appearance as the Russian after Georgina. Never say never when it comes to The CW.
Lucky for you Tina, as this door closes another one opens. By that I of course mean The Bachelorette premieres next Monday. If you thought 25 women vying for one man sounded tragic, wait until you meet a group of men willing to act just as catty and — I assume — just as slutty. Amen.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Dennis: You can’t be mad at me either. You know, I mean, I went to your apartment that night to look for you, to be with you…
Liz: Wait a minute, hang on, my apartment?
Jenna: Wait a minute I can explain that. You had gone on that Over 30 Outward Bound trip to Arizona. And you asked me to house sit. Well Dennis came over, and as I mentioned we were both pretty torn up about Hurricane Katrina.
Dennis: What those people were doing to the Superdome…
Dear Tina 