Dear Tina,
In all my time spent dedicated to telling you about my passion for television, I have never shied away from the fact that every now and again I enjoy indulging in what can only be considered less than sophisticated programming. Well, let’s be honest, every now and again usually means 1-3 times a day. As long as you can recognize reality television (or truly bad scripted television, i.e. The Hills) for its flaws and subpar content, then I see nothing wrong with gently embracing it. It just requires the same kind of awareness you need when blaring Justin Bieber in your car at the age of 23 (and three-quarters): enjoy it all you want in your solitude but you have to turn it off when you get to a red light to avoid the whooping laughter and ridicule from the high schoolers in the next car over. So with that little nugget of truth divulged, I have to tell you that I watched the premiere of The Bachelorette last Monday. It was quite possibly the most boring two hours of television I have sat through in a long time. Honestly I found it more difficult to maintain my attention span during those two hours (which I ended up cutting down to an hour fifteen via aggressive fast forwarding) than when I sat through six hours of online traffic school in a single afternoon.
I don’t know if my sexist nature is getting the best of me, but watching men get as flustered as women during the rose ceremony is downright embarrassing. One gentleman reacting to the first impression rose being introduced to the setting: “That’s scary right there…because 10 of us aren’t getting those!” Are you listening to yourself?! Man up. Play it cool. And never, ever break a sweat over a flower. Trust me, three months from now you will all learn that you were all losers. Now I hate to speak in general terms so let’s take a look at some of the evening’s more atrocious moments. Starting and ending with Ali’s laugh.
That. Laugh. After awhile I was starting to get the impression that it was a sound effect borrowed from the Arthur editing studio. Like when Mr. Ratburn makes an elementary pun at the end of an episode and the third grade class collectively laughs at him, that’s what it sounded like. And it was incessant, to say the least. I understand the goal of a meet and greet is to make as kind an impression as possible, but never have I thought that a man’s expectation upon asking my name is for me to respond with elaborate shoulder shrugging, closed mouth smiling, and extensive chuckling.
Which brings me to my next point. In this day of ADD and ADHD and cable news, how can a show get away with dedicating 30 minutes solely to introductions. I know there are 25 men for Ali to meet and it’s really important that every man have a fair shot at impressing her the minute they step out of that limo, but do we need to see every single one? American Idol doesn’t air every single audition of those who receive tickets to Hollywood. Couldn’t the producers and editors speed up that entire process by playing the footage in double time and scoring it with the “Can-can”? Had they made that decision we would have been spared not one, but two men jumping off the roof of the limo when their time came to say hello.
While Ali continued to look for her mark, the men kept coming. One of the Craigs came out and told her “I’m so happy you’re not Vienna.” And I’m so happy you just admitted to watching The Bachelor. This moment has inspired me to ask men from now on, “what is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “Vienna?'” As long as their answer is either “Austria” or “hot dogs” than we are in business. If not, I am going to refer them to the following link: http://thebachelor.warnerbros.com/web/index.jsp.
Jonathan, the Doogie Howser of weathermen, decided it would be best to approach the situation with a gift in hand. And nothing says “I’m interested” more than a magnet with a drawing of the sun on it. Was Wal-Mart all out of sidewalk chalk?
Chicagoan Frank (not the only one on the show to quit his high paying job to pursue his dream of something that typically pays nothing–way to go Bachelorette casting) said to Ali as he approached her “You’re gonna marry one of these dudes!” So, Frank gets points for keeping it real and kind of calling the situation out for its absurdity. Also, points for having a snaggle tooth in the style of Kirsten Dunst. Because we miss her.
Finally, we had Kyle. Occupation: outdoorsman. While most people watched “The Spartan Cheerleaders” on Saturday Night Live with the understanding that the inherent lack of skill in Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri’s dance moves was the basis for the comedy, Kyle apparently saw something else. Rather, a step-by-step guide on how to attract a female. He made the decision, I can only assume way in advance, to pantomime reeling Ali in with a fishing pole…as if she were a fish. This is so far beyond a misinterpretation of basic social cues or cleverness, I’m afraid this man is doomed. Seriously, the fishing pole thing? And poor Ali: “Wait, what am I supposed to do? Oh…ha….uh, um….oh…haha…hahahahaha.” I’m surprised by the time they all got inside Kyle didn’t row a canoe behind one of the couches.
Now, maybe this is why Ali has 25 men who want to marry her and I, in turn, sit at home and fill my hours with making catty comments about others’ quests for love, but seriously how can you go through this experience without being constantly sarcastic? If a man pantomimed anything within the first hour of meeting me, other than motioning toward a waiter the international sign for “can we get the check?”, I would be out the door. Or at least improvising a story about how my “boyfriend” the “cop” is in the “bathroom.”
Once all 26 were gathered inside, the real competition began. Kirk made a scrapbook for Ali which turned out to be cute when we learned it was much less Martha Stewart, much more 3rd grade Mother’s Day art project. Kasey, who wears his heart on his sleeve in the way that assures the audience we can expect a restraining order around episode four, kept telling Ali that he is going to protect her and guard her heart. When Ali asked how he learned to be such a creep gentleman, Kasey explained that his mama taught him well and that he is “such a mama’s boy.” Why do men think being a mama’s boy is attractive? I don’t want a mama’s boy. I want a man who is a decent human being and has a normal relationship with his mother that includes writing “I love you” on her birthday cards and lifting heavy furniture for her when she asks. A mama’s boy, as I understand it, is a man that will need his wife to pick out his clothes to insure they will match. No thank ya.
Hunter decided to impress Ali with a song he wrote and accompanied with a ukulele during the performance. This was a good move as it didn’t indicate he had already picked out their china pattern, yet made him memorable to receive one of Ali’s hotly contended roses. Jason did not care for this at all and kept saying things like “He thinks he’s Shakespeare!” which left me with the impression that Jason does not know who Shakespeare is or what he is famous for. Craig R. borrowed Ali’s attention and warned her that “some people aren’t here for the right reasons.” Really? When and where was your man card revoked because I know 25 other men who are in need of a similar service (the 24 other bachelors + Jake Pavelka).
Then we had Derrick who revealed to Ali that his nickname “Shooter” comes from a time in college when he got…prematurely…excited. You lost Derrick. Not just with Ali, but with America.
In the end 15 men received roses. At the end of the episode, Ali gathered the chosen ones around her and raised a glass, “I hope you guys are ready to have a little fun and hopefully to fall in love [with me]!” Aww, the entertainment wrestler couldn’t look happier. Buckle up guys, you are about to consume more champagne over the next few weeks than a seasoned wedding crasher.
The scenes from the upcoming season include a suicide attempt, an Icelandic volcano, and a tirade that ends with “This is how you’re gonna go out on national television?!” It’s going to get…emotional.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Grandma Baird: It’s too soon, Andrew.
Liz: I know we tried to take it slow…
Grandma Baird: Life! I have more I want to do.
Liz: Oh right, you. Of course.
Dear Tina 