Dear Tina,
So I’m a pretty busy girl. You know what that’s like. In fact, I probably only have a few more windows of opportunity for nonsense than you do. Well, not including the weekends when I consider myself a go-getter if I put my contacts in before noon. But I say this because last week after I posted an entry with my response to the blog “Hire Me, Tina Fey!“, where a young man (well, older than me actually) has tried to concoct an argument for why I am undeserving of your support, he submitted a counterattack. Like I said, I’m pretty busy and I have a fairly strict schedule when it comes to Dear Tina. So I don’t have time to drop everything I’m doing and pick his argument apart and highlight its illiterate nature. After all, there are men acting like self-conscious ninnies on The Bachelorette and you need to hear about it! But with American Idol off the air, and the world of pop culture fairly at ease on this Wednesday night, I have decided to take some time out of my evening to address Justin’s words.
First of all, his argument begins with an apology for why he didn’t write an entry the day before–he didn’t mean to upset you, just the people that collect plates and dress their dogs. You know, that awful lobby of blog readers. His reasoning was that my entry from that same day used too many words and he thought the Internet wouldn’t be able to sustain itself under the weight of my “verbosity,” let alone the addition of his six sentences of afterthought. I enjoyed his use of vocabulary here, but really, you’re blaming me for not doing what you said you were going to do? Doesn’t that seem a little transparent? Like farting at a party and asking what stinks?
Here’s what else I learned. For someone who is so keen on becoming your employee, he continues to make the point that he is incredibly lazy. In his rebuttal, he eventually admits he didn’t even read what I wrote. He didn’t have the patience. Really, those were his words. You would know better than me, but I would think one of the most important characteristics you look for in a writer, aside from exceptional writing skills, is the patience to read and edit one’s work. Not being able to get through 921 words in one day does not bode well for you in the television world Justin. And if you’re going to come back with something predictable like “Your words are boring! Mine would be awesome!”, save your breath. You would have missed my point.
He also notes that he paid someone to read my entry for him but when it came time for that person to reiterate my thorough defense, he fell asleep. I guess. I’m going to give Justin the benefit of the doubt and assume that his entire post is meant to be very tongue-in-cheek and he has come up with this “creative” tale in order to emphasize how mundane and inferior he finds my blog. Because if any of this is true…he’s certainly not making himself out to be employee of the year.
Justin goes on to suggest that I have been writing way too long and I should shift my focus to another celebrity with hiring power. Since when is perseverance something to be criticized? Next thing you know he’s going to shame that woman on Oprah who came to the United States from an African village that didn’t provide education for women for taking so long to earn her PhD. Sheesh. Also, while I appreciate your suggestion that I start writing a blog to Jerry Stiller, for the record if I were ever forced to redirect my employment search to another star, I would turn my attention to Bravo personality and VP Andy Cohen. I think our personalities would mesh together wonderfully and hopefully I’d be able to accompany him to all the Housewives reunion tapings. But thank you for your suggestion.
He makes the final point that no matter what I have to say, he will win this competition simply because he’s shameless. I actually enjoyed the example he gave about the time he punched his dad in the face just to win a three-legged race they were participating in together (funny!), but then it took an awkward turn and he started talking about punching Jesus and grandpas. It was a touch aggressive and, again, not a well-thought out argument, even for an informal employment plea. Know your audience. Tina won’t be inspired by your willingness to start brawls. Not even with the cartoon character from the Hawaiian Punch ads.
Unfortunately it has been over a week since Justin has written anything. Well, unfortunate for him as he couldn’t keep his word past eight entries. And you say I write too much? What, is Tina supposed to read the same entry marked “Day 8” everyday from now until Tumblr expires your account due to lack of activity and still be inspired to hire you? I wouldn’t bet on it.
Have I silenced this man? I guess I’m even more verbose than I thought.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.
Liz: I’m twelve years younger than you.
Jack: A woman your age then.
Dear Tina 