It was terrible. I went to her apartment. I don’t think she has a toilet. I saw my future, Jack.

Dear Tina,

Well if saying goodbye to the children wasn’t hard enough yesterday, tonight I will be going into the city for my best friend’s going away party. Not my favorite kind of party. The one friend that has stayed by my side (and by my side I mean in the suburb I live) is leaving in just a few short days and not returning until April. What am I to do? Who am I supposed to watch the premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project with? Who is going to keep all my complaining in check? Who is going to roll his eyes in disgust but still love me when I burp grotesquely a mere foot away from his face? Full disclosure: one time in high school I once burped so aggressively he said that my mouth looked like a horse when it brays. What a lonely time this shall be.

Look at us, like two peas in a pod…

Oh wait. Those are the Sprouse twins. Here we are…

Aren’t we a pair?

To my dear Danny, because I know you technically read this more frequently than Tina, I’ll miss you. Come back in one piece. This request includes not getting a face piercing.

In preparation for tonight’s big event, I decided to spend the day looking for an apartment to live in come August 1st. What did I learn after eight viewings? That some Chicagoans are disgusting. I’m not asking for everyone to be meticulous, but I tell you seeing the layers and layers of dirty dishes in some of those sinks…I can’t even think about it because it’s causing my gag reflex to act up. Rather than letting a cereal bowl, that appeared to be filled with the contents of a garbage disposal and dirty water, sit on your counter, why not just rinse it out and place it in the dishwasher to your right? Honestly. I know that when people move out, they’ll take their filth with them, but I just don’t have the imagination required when it comes to squalor. I just can’t picture myself living in a place that is maintained that way while I’m visiting. P-U. Fix it.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: Liz Lemon, recently I realized I have a hole in my heart.And not the one I got from eating batteries.