Dear Tina,
A lot was happening on television tonight. First, we had CBS’s broadcast of the 64th Annual Tony Awards. As a theatre lover, I normally don’t watch the Tony’s because I find them painfully dull. But this year there was excitement in the air as a former classmate of mine from University of Illinois was nominated for Best Featured Actor in a Play. So I’d like to take a moment to personally thank Jon Hill for allowing me to attend a few of your parties in college and for appearing alongside me in a university production (or rather, I along you, as I had two lines and you had a hundred) because as you become more and more famous, I will be sure to remind everyone I meet of these facts. Also, I saw the production he was nominated for and though I didn’t see the production the winner was in, I can guarantee that Jon was better. Even though the winner’s acceptance speech was absolutely adorable.
The second major television event was the season three premiere of True Blood on HBO. You thought I was going to say the second season premiere of Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, didn’t you? Well, yes, I did catch the first half hour, but no, I will not be discussing that.
True Blood returned vampier than ever–meaning more vampire like, not more like a woman who uses sexual attraction to exploit men. It’s been less than a year since the show went off the air but there are so many aspects to this world that I forgot entirely. Like how vampires cry tears of blood and Eric Northman is the incarnation of God’s vision of the perfect man. It was a good episode for Vampire Sheriff Eric. And when it’s a good episode for Eric, it’s a good week for the lady viewers.
The big cliffhanger at the end of season 2…so stop reading this if you’re not all caught up on your True Blood viewing…was the kidnapping of Bill moments after he proposed to Sookie. The brilliance of this show is that you never really understand what’s going on even when you follow the stories meticulously. And how can you? This world Alan Ball has created serves bottles of blood alongside drafts of Budweiser at bars and has Evan Rachel Wood in a leadership role. It’s confusing. So who exactly was kidnapping Bill was slightly lost on me. Lackeys of Eric’s I believe. Whoever they were, they didn’t last long. Even though they successfully weakened Bill by draining his blood–accompanied by a disturbing conversation on whether or not it’s gay to spit vampire blood into the mouth of another man–Bill mustered enough virility to release his fangs and break the neck of the driver, killing him and everyone else in the car. I think it really takes a vampire to pull off being so aggressive when you’re that pasty.
Sam is all out of sorts looking for a boy named Tommy in Arkansas, possibly related to him. So much so that he is having dreams about getting naked in the shower with Bill. I can’t imagine this scene was thrown in randomly so prepare for similar red herrings in the future, meant to confuse the audience and convince us that Sam is really gay. Or just gay for Bill. Either way, it smells of season one when we constantly caught Sam in behavior that would lead us to believe he was the serial killer wreaking havoc on Bon Temps. Turns out he was just a shape shifter, which is such a more reasonable explanation.
Lafaeyette seems to have returned to his snarly self. After a season of being tortured and possessed, I thought he’d never utter the word “hooker” again. But sure enough, clad in white, gold, and a fedora, Lafayette continues to mark his territory as the voice of reason on this show. Even when he gets caught saying or doing the wrong thing, he still seems to be the only one that ever really makes sense. Lafayette is the only one who appears to know how to handle Tara who has spiraled into a depression after her boyfriend Eggs was murdered. Stealing a bottle of tequila from Merlotte’s and letting her drown out her sorrows in the privacy of his home is certainly more productive than her mother’s plan. This involved calling on her reverend to preach to Tara that all of this murder and pain was part of God’s plan to bring her closer to her mother. Oh Lettie Mae, now that you’ve given up the bottle you’ve really taken advantage of this newfound clearheadedness to become more selfish. When Lafayette returns home and sees that Lettie Mae has allowed Tara into the bathroom unsupervised, he loses it on her and then tries to bust down the door in time to save Tara from her suicide attempt. He is also responsible for selling an obscene amount of “V” (or vampire blood) by evening the next day. That guy has got a lot on his plate right now!
Sookie is running all over town in her lavender dress looking for Bill, not stopping even for a moment to sweep all the leaves and twigs out of her living room left over from Maryann. There’s a character I won’t miss this season. What with her pot pies made of human hearts and all.
Jason, Sookie’s brother, is trying to return to his life of simple thoughts and meaningless sex but he can’t seem to shake the memory of murdering Tara’s boyfriend. Probably because in the timeline of the show, this event occurred the day before. Murder tends to stick with you. Jason always brings a much needed dose of comic relief. Like when he was talking to two girls at Merlotte’s, mixed up their names, and told them that it’s part of Southern culture to look at one person while talking to another. Or when he held up a threatening fist to his reproductive region for not being able to perform in the bedroom later that evening.
The vampire magister, played by Zeljko Ivanek (better known for his brilliant portrayal of Ray Fiske on Damages), and the vampire queen, played by Evan Rachel Wood (better known for all of us collectively wondering if she didn’t get enough hugs as a child), come to Eric’s bar Fangtasia seeking information on who is selling vampire blood recreationally. The answer to this question is Eric and the queen so tensions are high during this meeting and the two decide the best way to handle this is by obvious, awkward, and guilt-ridden body language. The question remains, does the magister already know what they’re doing and is just playing coy or do they still have time to cover their tracks? I hope Eric continues to solve all of his dilemmas shirtless.
Bill “feeds” on an old lady who had to choose between her telephone and oxygen tank for budget reasons. So, preying on the weak is kind of an overstatement here. Great timing on Bill’s part as shortly after he feeds, he is surrounded by a pack of wolves. I mean werewolves. Living in Bon Temps I guess you have to become accustomed to the fact that 80% of the animals you meet are really humans. Must get confusing.
I mean…really. What must it be like to spend one hour in the creative mind of Alan Ball? Slightly more graphic than what we saw in Being John Malkovich, I imagine. Someone should write that movie.
Like most HBO dramas, True Blood will only last for 12 episodes. It’s like it ends before we can even reconcile why werewolves are just now infecting rural Louisiana. Still though, if there is one branch of the vampire trend I can get behind, it is this show. Next week I’m going to need to start sharing more quotes as this dialogue is rich with wit.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Tracy: Tell her that you want your privates and her privates to do a high-five.
Dear Tina 