Dear Tina,
As promised, I tuned in tonight for The Bachelorette and much to my chagrin, nothing has changed since I last checked in with America’s loneliest souls. If anything, it has gotten worse—except for the location upgrade to New York City. Usually we look at unique life experiences and evaluate the ways in which we can use these opportunities to learn and grow. When I attended an isolated retreat in high school, which is basically what The Bachelorette is, I came home with a better understanding of who I value in my life and why. Jonathan the weatherman returned home from his adventure, berating himself for not singing directly to Ali while auditioning for The Lion King. I guess lesson learned for the next time you’re auditioning for a Broadway show sponsored by ABC. Seriously though, let this one go Jonathan. Even if you had sung and danced the best, they still wouldn’t have chosen you because if you went up on the flys with Ali, it would have looked like she was dancing to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” with her kid brother.
Aside from the general lack of foresight these gentleman seem to have (you all are eventually going to have to go home and face the shame of your friends and family for saying things like “Forecast was for sunny skies and out of the blue the storm just shit on my face.”), Ali moved forward in her quest for love reminding us after every twist and turn how seriously she takes each rose. Yes Ali, we can tell. You made virtually every date as anticlimactic as one of Kasey’s improvised songs with your decision to hold off handing out a rose until the rose ceremony. Great, because that twenty minute event usually has me on the edge of my seat.
Ali went on three dates this episode. The first was with Kasey, who has officially taken over the title of “Lonely Boy” from Dan Humphrey. They frolicked along the halls of Manhattan’s Museum of Natural History, holding up their lanterns to the jaws of dinosaur bones and pretending to be scared. Later, the couple came across a stuffed gorilla behind display glass and wouldn’t you know, Kasey decided to engage the creature in conversation. This isn’t to say that Kasey came up with some clever line about the silliness of looking at a stuffed animal in its faux environment when there’s a zoo around the corner. No, Kasey went the “ooo ooo ahh ahh” route, translating for Ali that the gorilla thinks she’s cute. And I think you’re insane. Also, is there a minimum amount of enthusiastic running that has to be covered on this show? Because I see time and time again, Ali instigating this breaking out into a gleeful jog every time she and a bachelor have to get from point a to b. She must have Mike Fleiss whispering these tragic ideas into her ear via a wire. Eventually Ali and Kasey found that bed of pillows you usually come across in any museum tour. As they sat down we learned that Kasey is indeed as inept at picking up social cues as we feared. For the second time on their date he broke out into song, reflecting on the day, rhyming words like city and pretty. Ali initiated the “how is this different than your previous relationships?” conversation, something I hope most women hold off on until they are no longer dating nine other people. His response? “One reason. Because you’re Ali.” Uh huh, uh huh, would you like to elaborate? Preferably in a non-musical form? Kasey didn’t get a rose and instead got scolded for not being authentic. Fortunately for the Kasey’s tender soul, he still received an invitation back to the Man House. He seems to take all this pretty well. I’m sure he won’t do anything rash.
On her group date, Ali met up with seven of her suitors on the Great White Way. There they auditioned for a one on one date with Ali on the stage of the Minskoff Theatre where The Lion King is continuing its near 13 year run. The most exciting thing I learned during this date is that one of the bachelors has a prominent calf tattoo. I believe it was Jesse. So, points for being a bad ass even though I’m not prone to liking tattoos. None of the men were up to the standards of local community theatre, let alone Broadway, so I was little disappointed with The Lion King’s producer announced that the winner of the challenge would be featured in that evening’s performance. Roberto won because he was “brave enough” to look at Ali while he was singing. But really because he’s the best looking. Turns out the two were on stage for no more than two minutes. I’m really glad with all that effort Ali was still given her own dressing room complete with a gold paper star on the door I imagine the props department snagged from a bat mitzvah where the theme was “reach for the stars.” Though she was by no means the star of the performance, this does not excuse Ali for chewing gum during the curtain call. I mean, goodness, why didn’t you just come out in your street clothes holding a hot dog you got from a street vendor?
Ali was getting progressively sicker throughout the group date so when it came time to give someone a rose, she just couldn’t rally, leaving the rose in that soap dish and allowing Kirk to escort her to her bedroom.
Still under the weather for her final one on one date, she told birthday boy Chris L. to come lounge around her hotel suite instead. After hours of curling up on the couch in pjs brought to you by the costume department, Ali decided she was well enough to take Chris L. out for a birthday dinner. This guy seems pretty legit which means he won’t win because if this series has taught me anything (which it hasn’t really) it’s that the one who appears most levelheaded never stands a chance against the men who proclaim their love after date three. Their evening capped off with a performance from one of my favorite singers of all time, Joshua Radin. Joshua please tell me that if you’re willing to perform on The Bachelorette that you’re willing to perform at my wedding. I promise I won’t dance like a Kidsongs cast member while you’re singing.
In the end, leg tattoo and weatherman were sent home. Points awarded to the editors for attaching that mopey music to every cut of the weatherman. He was having a hard time, and the show was correct in exploiting this.
Now as I said in the beginning, I think we should all try and learn something from our experiences, good or bad. With that in mind, I am creating a list of what I am learning I do not want in man from watching this show. We begin tonight.
- Someone who compares my previous relationship to being in a cocoon but with him, I can transform into a beautiful butterfly.
- Someone who tells me early on–or ever–in our relationship, “It’s just my heart. Jump in and stay awhile.
- Someone who speaks in career-related metaphors, ie “I think the forecast looks good today” referring to our date, not the weather.
- Someone who, as an adult, can’t really gauge the way he’s experiencing emotion. “I don’t know if I’m more nervous or more excited but pretty much a ton of both.”
- Someone who self-name-calls with the word “dolt.”
- Someone who is not Jewish and uses the word “shmuck.” (If you’re Jewish, please, you have free rein.)
- Someone who defends his argument that he “has some depth” with an acoustic guitar.
- Someone who is a producer on a reality television show and edits together a preview to make the audience believe that a contestant attempted suicide when really he just got a tattoo.
- Someone who gets a tattoo to not only honor me, but his time on a reality television show.
- Someone who believes their most winning quality is the declaration to “guard and protect my heart” as if that is something tangible I can rely on 15 years into our marriage when you won’t help with the dishes.
As you can see almost all of these are my reflections on Jonathan and Kasey’s behavior. With one missing, next week the list may dwindle. But I doubt it.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Dennis: I wish I had burned this place down. There’s no reason to live anymore.
Liz: What happened?
Dennis: The Islanders lost tonight.
Liz: Doesn’t that happen a lot?
Dennis: I knew you wouldn’t understand.
Dear Tina 