Golden Globes Recap: I’d Like to Thank God…For Making Me An Atheist

Dear Tina,

Now that I’ve given everyone else 24 hours to speak candidly and judgmentally about the Golden Globes, I’d like to offer my own perspective (He should see you! You’re somethin’ to see!). For all that are up in arms and bowlegged over the antics performed by host Ricky Gervais, I beg the question, what did you expect?

Aside from the obvious complaint that celebrities need to have a better sense of humor about themselves, I am more aggravated with the commoners who are sympathetic to their cause.  Take Los Angeles Times Television Critic Mary McNamara, who was horrified by Gervais’s antics. She writes, “Gervais started off with a shot at Hollywood piñata Charlie Sheen — “It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking, or as Charlie Sheen calls it — ‘breakfast'” — and then quickly moved on to less obvious and more dangerous targets.” Less Obvious? More Dangerous? Of course one of the dangerous targets she is referring to is this woman:

Honestly, are we so protective of the fragile skin of our entertainers (I use the term loosely with Ms. Jolie, whose movie selection process appears to be motivated by how sensuously dangerous her mouth will look on the movie poster), that we curse the only comedian willing to call them out–to their faces–for their mediocre contributions to American cinema?

The moment Ms. McNamara is referring to occurred when, after listing a slew of 3D films that hit the big screen this year, Gervais made the following crack:

It seemed like everything was three dimensional this year. Except the characters in The Tourist.

Now, despite Ms. McNamara’s complaints that these “A-list darlings” were unfairly mocked, I must remind her of a similar (less clever) quip on the same subject. Brought to you by her very own employer, The Los Angeles Times:

Because neither Depp nor Jolie bring real juice to the proceedings, it is left to the supporting characters to provide what energy the film has…They do their best, but they swim against a tide of lethargy that will not be denied.

So what is the difference here? One is a paid critic and one is a celebrity? Is that what we’re upset about? Celebrity on celebrity crime? Or the fact that someone made the critique in the same room where the subjects were sitting? Spare me your feelings. Spare me your sympathies. Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie made a total stench of a movie. If you can’t stand the heat, move to France. You both own homes there, remember?

At the end of the day, when you do something careless and embarrassing, people will make fun of you. I sometimes run into a wall on my way to the bathroom. Angelina and J.D. did the acting version of that. The best way to get through life is to accept early on that when you’re caught with your pants down, metaphorically or literally, people get to laugh.

The awards themselves were dull as the winners were all exactly who we thought they would be. In fact, while I’m on my soap box, I’ll mention the only moments that felt genuinely entertaining were when Gervais was on stage.

Tied for first place for my favorite joke of the night are when Gervais introduced one of the first presenters of the evening with, “Please welcome Ashton Kutcher’s dad, Bruce Willis!” and my mother asking when she saw Justin Bieber, in a non-joking tone, “How old is he? Ten?” (She used to like to predict the dialogue on Step By Step and when she was right, she would announce “I should write for Hollywood!” I think she had a point…)

In order to help those that were truly offended by Ricky Gervais’s comedic stylings see things from perspective, I offer a list of five moments you should actually be offended by from Sunday night’s award show. And before I continue, can I just say…Tom Hanks has two Oscars. Tim Allen does voiceover work to promote Michigan tourism. It’s funny. Allow yourself to laugh.

1. Michelle Williams’s dress.

I wore a dress like that to Easter dinner in 1997. But mine fit properly.

2. January Jones’s cleavage.

Dammit Don! I told you I needed another square of fabric.

3. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt forgetting  they were at a dinner. That was being televised.

4. Burlesque winning a Golden Globe.

I, being one of seven people not in Christina Aguilera’s fan club who saw this movie, can tell you that the dialogue leading up to the Cher performance that won the Golden Globe for Best Original Song, “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me”, went something like this:

Club DJ who inexplicably hangs around until Cher leaves: Hey did you want to practice that song?

Cher: Not tonight, kid.

Club DJ: Are you sure? There’s a single chair pre-set on the stage.

Cher: Hmm. I see that.…….*shrug*……ok. 5, 6, 7, 8…

Then she performs with the cliche sad girl spotlight tinted blue to hide her age. Wrong.

5. This:

While I appreciate Natalie Portman who, instead of gushing over her unborn child, reminded the audience that the character in the movie who wouldn’t sleep with her is now willing to, it doesn’t really make up for the noise that subsequently came out of her mouth. My suggestion? Write something down for the Oscars.

On a final, positive note, I bring to your attention a highly entertaining moment, albeit brief,  you may have missed on Sunday:

Robert Downey Jr. comes out to present, and the camera cuts to Lea Michele who is clearly saying out loud (to herself), “He is so handsome!” She couldn’t embody musical theatre more if she tried.

Next up The Oscars! Co-hosted by! Anne Hathway! ……. Blech. If she refers to her affinity for on-screen nudity in her opening monologue, I’m changing the channel. Either that or I’ll just spend the rest of the evening staring at the anomaly that is co-host James Franco’s mouth.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: I missed the birth of both of my sons.  For very legitimate reasons.
Dot Com: Cooking a French bread pizza, and forgot.