I got this tattoo for the good of the show. It gives us an edge. The reason you brought me on.

Dear Tina,

As promised, I tuned in tonight for The Bachelorette and much to my chagrin, nothing has changed since I last checked in with America’s loneliest souls. If anything, it has gotten worse—except for the location upgrade to New York City. Usually we look at unique life experiences and evaluate the ways in which we can use these opportunities to learn and grow. When I attended an isolated retreat in high school, which is basically what The Bachelorette is, I came home with a better understanding of who I value in my life and why. Jonathan the weatherman returned home from his adventure, berating himself for not singing directly to Ali while auditioning for The Lion King. I guess lesson learned for the next time you’re auditioning for a Broadway show sponsored by ABC. Seriously though, let this one go Jonathan. Even if you had sung and danced the best, they still wouldn’t have chosen you because if you went up on the flys with Ali, it would have looked like she was dancing to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” with her kid brother.

Aside from the general lack of foresight these gentleman seem to have (you all are eventually going to have to go home and face the shame of your friends and family for saying things like “Forecast was for sunny skies and out of the blue the storm just shit on my face.”), Ali moved forward in her quest for love reminding us after every twist and turn how seriously she takes each rose. Yes Ali, we can tell. You made virtually every date as anticlimactic as one of Kasey’s improvised songs with your decision to hold off handing out a rose until the rose ceremony. Great, because that twenty minute event usually has me on the edge of my seat.

Ali went on three dates this episode. The first was with Kasey, who has officially taken over the title of “Lonely Boy” from Dan Humphrey. They frolicked along the halls of Manhattan’s Museum of Natural History, holding up their lanterns to the jaws of dinosaur bones and pretending to be scared. Later, the couple came across a stuffed gorilla behind display glass and wouldn’t you know, Kasey decided to engage the creature in conversation. This isn’t to say that Kasey came up with some clever line about the silliness of looking at a stuffed animal in its faux environment when there’s a zoo around the corner. No, Kasey went the “ooo ooo ahh ahh” route, translating for Ali that the gorilla thinks she’s cute. And I think you’re insane. Also, is there a minimum amount of enthusiastic running that has to be covered on this show? Because I see time and time again, Ali instigating this breaking out into a gleeful jog every time she and a bachelor have to get from point a to b. She must have Mike Fleiss whispering these tragic ideas into her ear via a wire. Eventually Ali and Kasey found that bed of pillows you usually come across in any museum tour. As they sat down we learned that Kasey is indeed as inept at picking up social cues as we feared. For the second time on their date he broke out into song, reflecting on the day, rhyming words like city and pretty. Ali initiated the “how is this different than your previous relationships?” conversation, something I hope most women hold off on until they are no longer dating nine other people. His response? “One reason. Because you’re Ali.” Uh huh, uh huh, would you like to elaborate? Preferably in a non-musical form? Kasey didn’t get a rose and instead got scolded for not being authentic. Fortunately for the Kasey’s tender soul, he still received an invitation back to the Man House. He seems to take all this pretty well. I’m sure he won’t do anything rash.

On her group date, Ali met up with seven of her suitors on the Great White Way. There they auditioned for a one on one date with Ali on the stage of the Minskoff Theatre where The Lion King is continuing its near 13 year run. The most exciting thing I learned during this date is that one of the bachelors has a prominent calf tattoo. I believe it was Jesse. So, points for being a bad ass even though I’m not prone to liking tattoos. None of the men were up to the standards of local community theatre, let alone Broadway, so I was little disappointed with The Lion King’s producer announced that the winner of the challenge would be featured in that evening’s performance. Roberto won because he was “brave enough” to look at Ali while he was singing. But really because he’s the best looking. Turns out the two were on stage for no more than two minutes. I’m really glad with all that effort Ali was still given her own dressing room complete with a gold paper star on the door I imagine the props department snagged from a bat mitzvah where the theme was “reach for the stars.” Though she was by no means the star of the performance, this does not excuse Ali for chewing gum during the curtain call. I mean, goodness, why didn’t you just come out in your street clothes holding a hot dog you got from a street vendor?

Ali was getting progressively sicker throughout the group date so when it came time to give someone a rose, she just couldn’t rally, leaving the rose in that soap dish and allowing Kirk to escort her to her bedroom.

Still under the weather for her final one on one date, she told birthday boy Chris L. to come lounge around her hotel suite instead. After hours of curling up on the couch in pjs brought to you by the costume department, Ali decided she was well enough to take Chris L. out for a birthday dinner. This guy seems pretty legit which means he won’t win because if this series has taught me anything (which it hasn’t really) it’s that the one who appears most levelheaded never stands a chance against the men who proclaim their love after date three. Their evening capped off with a performance from one of my favorite singers of all time, Joshua Radin. Joshua please tell me that if you’re willing to perform on The Bachelorette that you’re willing to perform at my wedding. I promise I won’t dance like a Kidsongs cast member while you’re singing.

In the end, leg tattoo and weatherman were sent home. Points awarded to the editors for attaching that mopey music to every cut of the weatherman. He was having a hard time, and the show was correct in exploiting this.

Now as I said in the beginning, I think we should all try and learn something from our experiences, good or bad. With that in mind, I am creating a list of what I am learning I do not want in man from watching this show. We begin tonight.

1. Someone who compares my previous relationship to being in a cocoon but with him, I can transform into a beautiful butterfly.
2. Someone who tells me early on–or ever–in our relationship, “It’s just my heart. Jump in and stay awhile.
3. Someone who speaks in career-related metaphors, ie “I think the forecast looks good today” referring to our date, not the weather.
4. Someone who, as an adult, can’t really gauge the way he’s experiencing emotion. “I don’t know if I’m more nervous or more excited but pretty much a ton of both.”
5. Someone who self-name-calls with the word “dolt.”
6. Someone who is not Jewish and uses the word “shmuck.” (If you’re Jewish, please, you have free rein.)
7. Someone who defends his argument that he “has some depth” with an acoustic guitar.
8. Someone who is a producer on a reality television show and edits together a preview to make the audience believe that a contestant attempted suicide when really he just got a tattoo.
9. Someone who gets a tattoo to not only honor me, but his time on a reality television show.
10. Someone who believes their most winning quality is the declaration to “guard and protect my heart” as if that is something tangible I can rely on 15 years into our marriage when you won’t help with the dishes.

As you can see almost all of these are my reflections on Jonathan and Kasey’s behavior. With one missing, next week the list may dwindle. But I doubt it.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Dennis: I wish I had burned this place down. There’s no reason to live anymore.
Liz: What happened?
Dennis: The Islanders lost tonight.
Liz: Doesn’t that happen a lot?
Dennis: I knew you wouldn’t understand.

And I can fake enthusiasm when I need to. Hey! That scarf is fun! Thanks! I found it at Dun…wait a minute.

Dear Tina,

In all my time spent dedicated to telling you about my passion for television, I have never shied away from the fact that every now and again I enjoy indulging in what can only be considered less than sophisticated programming. Well, let’s be honest, every now and again usually means 1-3 times a day. As long as you can recognize reality television (or truly bad scripted television, i.e. The Hills) for its flaws and subpar content, then I see nothing wrong with gently embracing it. It just requires the same kind of awareness you need when blaring Justin Bieber in your car at the age of 23 (and three-quarters): enjoy it all you want in your solitude but you have to turn it off when you get to a red light to avoid the whooping laughter and ridicule from the high schoolers in the next car over. So with that little nugget of truth divulged, I have to tell you that I watched the premiere of The Bachelorette last Monday. It was quite possibly the most boring two hours of television I have sat through in a long time. Honestly I found it more difficult to maintain my attention span during those two hours (which I ended up cutting down to an hour fifteen via aggressive fast forwarding) than when I sat through six hours of online traffic school in a single afternoon.

I don’t know if my sexist nature is getting the best of me, but watching men get as flustered as women during the rose ceremony is downright embarrassing. One gentleman reacting to the first impression rose being introduced to the setting: “That’s scary right there…because 10 of us aren’t getting those!” Are you listening to yourself?! Man up. Play it cool. And never, ever break a sweat over a flower. Trust me, three months from now you will all learn that you were all losers. Now I hate to speak in general terms so let’s take a look at some of the evening’s more atrocious moments. Starting and ending with Ali’s laugh.

That. Laugh. After awhile I was starting to get the impression that it was a sound effect borrowed from the Arthur editing studio. Like when Mr. Ratburn makes an elementary pun at the end of an episode and the third grade class collectively laughs at him, that’s what it sounded like. And it was incessant, to say the least. I understand the goal of a meet and greet is to make as kind an impression as possible, but never have I thought that a man’s expectation upon asking my name is for me to respond with elaborate shoulder shrugging, closed mouth smiling, and extensive chuckling.

Which brings me to my next point. In this day of ADD and ADHD and cable news, how can a show get away with dedicating 30 minutes solely to introductions. I know there are 25 men for Ali to meet and it’s really important that every man have a fair shot at impressing her the minute they step out of that limo, but do we need to see every single one? American Idol doesn’t air every single audition of those who receive tickets to Hollywood. Couldn’t the producers and editors speed up that entire process by playing the footage in double time and scoring it with the “Can-can”? Had they made that decision we would have been spared not one, but two men jumping off the roof of the limo when their time came to say hello.

While Ali continued to look for her mark, the men kept coming. One of the Craigs came out and told her “I’m so happy you’re not Vienna.” And I’m so happy you just admitted to watching The Bachelor. This moment has inspired me to ask men from now on, “what is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “Vienna?'” As long as their answer is either “Austria” or “hot dogs” than we are in business. If not, I am going to refer them to the following link: http://thebachelor.warnerbros.com/web/index.jsp.

Jonathan, the Doogie Howser of weathermen, decided it would be best to approach the situation with a gift in hand. And nothing says “I’m interested” more than a magnet with a drawing of the sun on it. Was Wal-Mart all out of sidewalk chalk?

Chicagoan Frank (not the only one on the show to quit his high paying job to pursue his dream of something that typically pays nothing–way to go Bachelorette casting) said to Ali as he approached her “You’re gonna marry one of these dudes!” So, Frank gets points for keeping it real and kind of calling the situation out for its absurdity. Also, points for having a snaggle tooth in the style of Kirsten Dunst. Because we miss her.

Finally, we had Kyle. Occupation: outdoorsman. While most people watched “The Spartan Cheerleaders” on Saturday Night Live with the understanding that the inherent lack of skill in Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri’s dance moves was the basis for the comedy, Kyle apparently saw something else. Rather, a step-by-step guide on how to attract a female. He made the decision, I can only assume way in advance, to pantomime reeling Ali in with a fishing pole…as if she were a fish. This is so far beyond a misinterpretation of basic social cues or cleverness, I’m afraid this man is doomed. Seriously, the fishing pole thing? And poor Ali: “Wait, what am I supposed to do? Oh…ha….uh, um….oh…haha…hahahahaha.” I’m surprised by the time they all got inside Kyle didn’t row a canoe behind one of the couches.

Now, maybe this is why Ali has 25 men who want to marry her and I, in turn, sit at home and fill my hours with making catty comments about others’ quests for love, but seriously how can you go through this experience without being constantly sarcastic? If a man pantomimed anything within the first hour of meeting me, other than motioning toward a waiter the international sign for “can we get the check?”, I would be out the door. Or at least improvising a story about how my “boyfriend” the “cop” is in the “bathroom.”

Once all 26 were gathered inside, the real competition began. Kirk made a scrapbook for Ali which turned out to be cute when we learned it was much less Martha Stewart, much more 3rd grade Mother’s Day art project. Kasey, who wears his heart on his sleeve in the way that assures the audience we can expect a restraining order around episode four, kept telling Ali that he is going to protect her and guard her heart. When Ali asked how he learned to be such a creep gentleman, Kasey explained that his mama taught him well and that he is “such a mama’s boy.” Why do men think being a mama’s boy is attractive? I don’t want a mama’s boy. I want a man who is a decent human being and has a normal relationship with his mother that includes writing “I love you” on her birthday cards and lifting heavy furniture for her when she asks. A mama’s boy, as I understand it, is a man that will need his wife to pick out his clothes to insure they will match. No thank ya.

Hunter decided to impress Ali with a song he wrote and accompanied with a ukulele during the performance. This was a good move as it didn’t indicate he had already picked out their china pattern, yet made him memorable to receive one of Ali’s hotly contended roses. Jason did not care for this at all and kept saying things like “He thinks he’s Shakespeare!” which left me with the impression that Jason does not know who Shakespeare is or what he is famous for. Craig R. borrowed Ali’s attention and warned her that “some people aren’t here for the right reasons.” Really? When and where was your man card revoked because I know 25 other men who are in need of a similar service (the 24 other bachelors + Jake Pavelka).

Then we had Derrick who revealed to Ali that his nickname “Shooter” comes from a time in college when he got…prematurely…excited. You lost Derrick. Not just with Ali, but with America.

In the end 15 men received roses. At the end of the episode, Ali gathered the chosen ones around her and raised a glass, “I hope you guys are ready to have a little fun and hopefully to fall in love [with me]!” Aww, the entertainment wrestler couldn’t look happier. Buckle up guys, you are about to consume more champagne over the next few weeks than a seasoned wedding crasher.

The scenes from the upcoming season include a suicide attempt, an Icelandic volcano, and a tirade that ends with “This is how you’re gonna go out on national television?!” It’s going to get…emotional.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Grandma Baird: It’s too soon, Andrew.
Liz: I know we tried to take it slow…
Grandma Baird: Life! I have more I want to do.
Liz: Oh right, you. Of course.