Well, you know, relationships end. People move on.

Dear Tina,

Alright so here we go. American Idol aired their ninth season finale this week and it was, without a doubt, one of the most withered ends to one of the most mediocre seasons in the show’s history. Take it back you say? I can’t. Let’s get the rehashing of the performances over with first considering they were probably the six least significant moments of the two day, three hour finale.

Following suit with seasons past, each contestant was asked to sing three songs. I was really counting on the producers bringing back the boxing theme from season seven as it was so wonderfully awkward to see David Archuleta giggle his way through pretend jabs at David Cook, but alas this final performance episode had no room for such horseplay.

After a diplomatic coin toss last week (wow, this really is like the Super Bowl for karaoke), Crystal elected to go second. A smart move considering history shows that this decision has no bearing on whether you win or lose. I find that it’s nice to get it over with but I guess for me that applied more to performing ill-prepared monologues in college where as these two actually have something at stake. Eh.

Round 1: Favorite Performance of the Season

Lee DeWyze, The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. I suspect there are restrictions on choosing a song from just last week for your favorite song of the season. Otherwise, there is no reason why Lee would not have chosen “Hallelujah.” The vocal on this felt a little desperate. Like Lee knew the stakes were high so he had to make the song sound more impressive or challenging than when he first performed it. Not a great interpretation of the category when the way you sang it the first time is what garnered such positive feedback. Kara suggested he should have “punched harder” followed by examples of what punching looks like. Simon told Lee that he expected more passion and excitement. “That was a kiss on the cheek when I want a kiss on the lips.” Insert squeals from Seacrest.

Crystal Bowersox, Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. This song was also my favorite of Crystal’s from the season. It came at a time when she seemed to understand the unspoken rule of humbleness when speaking to the judges. Crystal certainly took the prize for this round, reminding the audience what a unique character she has brought to a competition that has really lacked dimensionality in terms of contestants the past few seasons. Randy thought it was dope (good one) and Kara told her she had fire in her belly tonight. Are you calling me fat? Simon declared that with that performance the competition had begun, adding “That was great.” No you are!

Round 2: Executive Producer Simon Fuller’s choice

Lee DeWyze, Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. Great song choice for Lee but I have noticed that Simon Fuller always picks a song that the contestant basically already did. Talk about playing it safe. A gospel choir made an appearance for the performance. What is this, Clay Aiken singing Bridge Over Troubled Water? They should have used a bagpiper instead. It would have felt much more personal. Randy said that he could feel that Lee that he loves by the end. Kara told him that it wasn’t the best vocal but that he is so emotionally accessible and “I love that about you.” Yeah, I’ll give you that. Simon, acting as the stern father he never got to be, told Lee “I want a 10 out of 10 because you’re capable of that.” Yes sir. Lee proceeded to walk off the stage to Charlie Brown’s gloomy theme music.

Crystal Bowersox, Black Velvet by Alannah Myles. Is it just me or could you have sworn that this song was by someone more famous? Anyway, one thing I have always resented American Idol for is making their contestants do things for staging purposes that clearly have no relation to the contestant’s personality or natural rhythm. For example, making Crystal walk down the stairs sans guitar, avec sky high heels. It’s the biggest night of her life, coordination is the last thing she should have to manage. Randy had momentary “that was hot!” turrets, repeating this “analysis” a couple of times before passing it over to Ellen. Simon complained that after nine years of hearing that song (we miss you Kimberly Caldwell!) he is practically allergic to it. But in his very Simon way of complaining before praising, he continued on, saying, “You took the song and you absolutely nailed it…REALLY good.” I can’t remember if there was a wink but even if there wasn’t those words would have had me floating up to the high heavens.

Round 3: Single to be Released

Lee DeWyze, Beautiful Day by U2. Hold up. Why on Earth is the song they are potentially releasing to the radio a cover song? What stations are supposed to play it? Top 40? In all my time spent in the car listening to the radio, I have never heard an identical cover of a hit from 2000 coming in after a Black Eyed Peas song. This does not bode well. The performance was Lee’s strongest of the night but still not his best of the season and he really needed that. Maybe it was the metallic hoodie he was wearing that distracted him. Ellen commended him for being fully present and said she loved that he could get to that place for the song. Kara felt like he had gotten swallowed by the song but that his journey and growth on the show earned him the right to be standing where he was. By the finale I think the judges really come alive with the most grandiose comments they can think of, whether they’re deserved or not. I loved what Simon said when he reminded all of us that “this show is about giving someone a break.” And I fell in love with it and him all over again. Simon told Lee that “I genuinely wish the best for you” and Lee assured us that no matter what, he will be doing this for the rest of his life. So, your hearts can rest easy tonight Mount Prospect.

Crystal Bowersox, Up to the Mountain by Patty Griffin. Seriously, you want this song on the radio? Right after “Can’t Be Tamed” by Miley Cyrus? Ok. I suspect the producers just got worried that Kara was going to volunteer to write the winner’s song again (Just when you almost gave up on your dreams/They take you by the hand and show you that you can — never again Kara). I actually liked her performance. Speaking to the evening as a whole, Crystal was the clear winner and I think proved herself to be a much more artistic singer than Lee. Ellen said she was in a league of her own. And she was. Crystal was a game changer and opened this competition up to so many more talented singers out there who never would have thought to audition the same way Chris Daughtry did for rockers four years ago. Kara reminisced about Crystal spending much of the season with her walls up: “I couldn’t see what was going on inside you and tonight that’s all I could see.” Oh Kara, sometimes you say things that make me regret being so hard on you. That was insightful. Simon reminded the audience that this was going to be his last critique ever and for that reason, succinctly put, “That was outstanding.”

After the final judging Ryan came out and asked Crystal if she was beside herself with those comments. “Actually, I’m beside Ryan Seacrest right now.” Aaaaand, you just cost yourself the win. I warned you.

So because of the standard three round circus seen on Tuesday, Idol producers decided to seize the opportunity to shake things up on night two and have the two hour long season finale, for the first time ever, have nothing to do with the two contestants competing for the title. I think I saw less of Lee and Crystal Wednesday night than I did during the Chicago auditions. The night was really about what the show has been about all season, the judges. One judge in particular of course, Simon Cowell who bid us farewell in the only way he knew how: with 80% of his shirt unbuttoned.

For the historic event, they allowed onto the stage every singer with an album to promote as well as every singer or band that had an album to promote in 1976. All of these performances were blended with vocals from various combinations of Idol’s Top 12. I was most upset about the decision to have the Top 6 girls do a Christina Aguilera medley. By that point we knew any song performed by the Idols was going to lead to an introduction of the original artist so to have to sit through Lacey Brown and Siobhan Magnus emote their way through Beautiful knowing Christina was about to come out and slash their dreams with her vocal runs was downright depressing. Michael Lynche returned after spending a solid thirty seconds with his newborn daughter and performed “Taking It To The Streets” with Michael McDonald. Was Paul Anka not available for the biggest night in music television? I think this quote from one of my favorite movies of all time sums up my feelings on this decision pretty nicely:

I would rather watch “Beautician and the Beast”. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear “Yah Mo B There” one more time, I’m going to “Yah Mo” burn this place to the ground.

Janet Jackson was given approximately 45 minutes to sing complete with a coat that kind of looked like pants and later a unitard.

Casey James was given a solo performance but as soon as he started strumming that guitar and singing the opening lyrics to “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” I knew what was coming. “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME BRETT MICHAELS!” AHHHHHHH. It was the best part of the night. He’s such a survivor. It made me briefly consider sending in an audition tape for the next season of Rock of Love but knowing me I would show up wearing a turtleneck from J. Crew and this would be my competition:

So I’m putting that plan on the back burner for now.

The final tribute to Simon started with a special appearance from Paula Abdul and it made me sincerely nostalgic for the days when Idol still felt like a family and not an enterprise. And Ryan Seacrest had highlights. Though Paula’s inability to form a coherent sentence reminded me of how nice it would have been to have DVR back in those glory days, you could feel how much the audience missed her and how second rate Kara and Ellen were feeling. Sorry bout it.

After a multitude of montages involving horrific acting on behalf of Randy Jackson and more than one shot of the staged make out between Simon and Paula back in season 2 or 3, the musical tribute began. Kelly Clarkson came out singing “Together We Are One” followed by Reuben “I’m a Vegan now” Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, and just when you thought they didn’t invite Taylor Hicks, out he came as well. Kris Allen finished out the winner’s circle, confirming that David Cook did indeed decline to come. That’s ok because David Archuleta was granted permission to stay up past his bed time and led the pack of other former Idol contestants on stage to join in on the performance. It was a fitting moment for a man that truly changed the lives of all these aspiring singers as well as the face of television as a whole.

I’m already missing him and with his departure from American Idol, I now turn my full attention to The X-Factor. See you in September Simon.

Oh, and Lee won. He was pretty happy about it.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Why would Jack just assume we’re lesbians.
Gretchen: I am a lesbian.
Liz: Hmm, that’s awesome.

Who would be our current Nikita Khrushchev? Simon Cowell?

Dear Tina,

So last night when I was having a whale of a time at my weekly dinner with friends in the city, it was brought to my attention that today’s Oprah would feature a story on the new movie Babies. As I am known for having slightly intense adoration for anyone under the age of two, it was recommended that I tune in. Reminded of my burning desire to see the film, I appealed to my friend Daniel yet again to accompany me to the theater (I’m still not comfortable enough in my own skin to attend movies by myself). Our dialogue went something like this:

Me: Don’t act like you want to see Babies with anyone but me.
Daniel: I’m not acting like I want to see Babies with anyone.

I don’t know if it was my reaction to the preview for Babies when we went to go see An Education in the winter that turned him off (you may have described my giggling as incessant) or if it’s the fact that I pronounce the world “little” “yiddoh” whenever I talk about babies (which is frequently). Either way, he’s not on board.

So this morning at around 9:30 am, thirty minutes after Oprah begins airing in Chicago, I turned the television on and what did I discover? Simon Cowell! No babies! The first 40 minutes of the episode was a sit down interview with one of my all-time favorite television personalities. I couldn’t believe what I missed. Lucky for me, Chicago re-airs Oprah at 11 pm and so I pushed past my initial instinct to go to bed at 6:30 (it was a long day) and watched the interview in its entirety. For the record, my friends were not lying. Babies did appear in the segment that followed. But Simon trumps everything. Even yiddoh babies.

Here is a list of ten things I learned from Simon during the interview. In no particular order.

1. He has no memory of Kelly Clarkson winning season 1 and her abundance of success which followed. When asked about the success of the winners, the only two he mentioned were Carrie Underwood (yes) and Fantasia Barrino (no).

2. He had to move back in with his parents at the age of 30. There is hope for me yet.

3. Among many others, there is a Bulgaria and Slovenia Got Talent series. I wish Piers Morgan judged them all.

4. He remains friends with all his ex-girlfriends. Simon, would you consider a friend becoming your girlfriend? And by friend I mean at-home viewer.

5. He has tea and cucumber sandwiches every afternoon. I literally thought the only people who did that were the characters from The Importance of Being Earnest.

6. He regards Paula Abdul as a survivor.

7. He hopes the person who replaces him on American Idol is comparable to him only in his discernible taste for talent — to search for someone who is merely British and snarky would be unproductive. You might as well hire Madonna.

8. He felt bad about his initial reaction to Susan Boyle. Should I feel bad about my current reaction to Susan Boyle which is to say…apathetic?

9. He thinks he’s too old to be a dad. He is.

10. He admits that the finale of American Idol this coming Wednesday is going to be emotional for him. I hope the producers to decide to film the entire episode in split screen. One camera on whatever is going on stage, the other on Simon. I don’t want to miss a wink. Literally.

It’s the end of an era. I miss him already.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Kenneth: Ms. Lemon, it’s me, Kenneth Parcell, the page. You probably didn’t recognize me in this new page uniform.
Liz: I recognized you, Kenneth.

Hey, threesome? How about it?

Dear Tina,

By the time the third contestant came round last night to perform, this trio officially marked season 9 American Idol: Acoustic-Off 2010. Seriously, in all nine seasons that I have diligently watched (except season 6 which, really, no one cared about), there has never been so much emotional guitar strumming. Granted, instruments have only been allowed to accompany the performers in the last couple of season, but still I don’t imagine, even if given the opportunity, Fantasia Barrino or Clay Aiken would have picked up an acoustic guitar to engage our hearts and capture our votes. We finally whittled our way down to the top 3 which should have meant less work for me but of course each contestant had to sing twice. The night was divided into two rounds, the contestants’ choice and the judges’ choice. In both instances Casey left his hair down and with that I knew his journey was over. That, and he performed poorly. Let’s take a look.

Round 1: Contestants’ Choice

Casey James, Ok, It’s Alright With Me by Eric Hutchinson. A song this obscure is truly only appropriate during the original audition when it doesn’t so much matter what you’re singing as it does what you sound like. Sure it would be nice if this competition were solely about singing talent but nothing about the entertainment industry is solely about talent. I mean, Ke$ha has the number 10 most purchased song of all time on iTunes. The other reason why I was disappointed Casey chose this song was because it invited the almost too predictable critique from Randy, “It’s like the song says, it was just aiight for me.” Ellen told Casey that this was the night he needed to bring something bigger and Simon said if he was having dinner, that was salad. No one loves a nice metaphor more than SC. Well, if we weren’t sure of your departure before the episode began, I’m afraid we are now. Someday Casey will wake up and realize that American Idol was, in fact, not a jam band competition.

Crystal Bowersox, Come Through My Window by Melissa Etheridge. Moving in the opposite direction of Casey who picked an artist best known for his work on the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 soundtrack, Crystal chose a song that fit her as an artist perfectly. When it came to the performance, however, there was a rushed quality to Crystal’s voice that seemed to take away from Melissa Etheridge’s raw sound. Also, her choice to include the harmonica in her instrumentation (and in her accessories) didn’t necessarily give her the edge, it just gave me anxious hoping she had enough breath at the end to even play it properly. But in spite of these really minor setbacks, Crystal played by the rules and proved herself a great artist doing so. She picked a song people wanted to hear her sing and though Simon criticized saying, “not the most stunning version of the song we’re ever going to hear,” he commended her for never compromising herself as an artist, “I have a lot of respect for you for that.” And from Simon, that’s all you really need.

Lee DeWyze, Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Suddenly this competition has become the Lee show, which is pretty incredible considering the memory of him singing “Fireflies” by Owl City during the top 24 is burned in my memory. In the bad way. The man has come a long way and I’m delighted he has because he is incredibly talented and believably humble. When he was finished, Randy channeled Oprah and shouted “SOMEBODY FEELS LIKE THEY COULD WIIIIIIINNNNN THHHIIIISSSSS! HERE COMES JOHN TRAVOLTAAAAA!” Hmm, actually now I can’t remember if he said that second part or not… Kara commended Lee for showing us “everything you’ve got” and awarded him champion of round 1. Simon, perking up for the first time since the show started, told him it was a brilliant song choice and that he had crushed the other two. He did. It was without a doubt the strongest performance of the round and the only song/arrangement that fit the performer and the circumstances of the evening. When asked why he chose that song, Lee said “When I play it I’m really happy to be playing it.” So, no points awarded for articulation.

Round 2: Judges’ Choice

Casey James, Daughters by John Mayer. Alright so Kara and Randy selected this song for Casey. Kara explained their her choice of song because she feels that Casey’s audience is women and girls and this was the perfect song because it speaks to them and he can show them his vulnerable side. And then in an overtly sexual way she added, “So give it to them.” First of all, drink every time Kara says vulnerable. Second of all, and I say this as a John Mayer fan, I hate this song. It should be put on reserve for brides not creative enough to come up with something more unique for their father/daughter dance. Final 3, final song? No, no. After the performance Simon criticized the song selection and said “…they’ve chosen a song where the climax is a quite limp guitar solo and I think I hold these two slightly responsible for not working with you harder to give you a much bigger vocal moment.” Kara of course interrupted him explaining that the notes of the song are all in the same range and the song is about the emotion more than the vocals. Simon tried his best to ignore this insufficient argument and continued to say, “The song didn’t have that wow factor.” And Kara retorted, “Because that’s the way it’s written!” THAT’S HIS POINT KARA, YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED A DIFFERENT SONG. Oh my gosh, I am not going to miss her after next week. Sorry Casey, you lost.

Crystal Bowersox, Maybe I’m Amazed by Paul McCartney. Honestly the biggest surprise of the evening for me was that Ellen was allowed to pick a song for one of the contestants by herself instead of Kara, the now two year veteran. That’s really neither here nor there because I suspect being partnered up with Randy is a lot like working by yourself anyway, but it turned out to be a good move on behalf of the producers because Ellen made an excellent choice for Crystal. Lightyears ahead of her first performance, Crystal reminded the audience how she got so far and even though she never got the memo about standing mute during the judging — save for one or two “thank you’s” — she is an amazing talent. One of the judges commented that she had used parts of her voice that they had never heard before that night. Again, this is the kind of wow factor and risk that Simon argued was missing from Casey’s performance. Simon told Crystal that she can thank Ellen next week for putting her in the final. WINK. Died.

Lee DeWyze, Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen/Jeff Buckley. I wrote earlier in the week that while I was at a party last Saturday, someone who attended Lee’s homecoming told me this was the song Simon chose for Lee. I don’t have any statistics to back this up but honestly “Hallelujah” has to be on the top 10 list of most covered songs of all time. So I was a little disappointed with Simon who clearly is as bored with American Idol as he seems to be. Well bite your tongue Catherine J. because Lee took this number and stole the show! It felt a little bit like he was on a different playing field than the other two, what with the gospel-esque choir behind him and the white lights recreating what heaven must be like if it is in deed, as I believe, a giant stage. Kara, bless her heart, summarized the performance and Lee’s journey the best: “Lee you are what this show is all about. Somebody who starts in one place and ends up here tonight in an incredible, epic moment. You are the heart of this show this season and you just owned the entire night.” Brava Kara, well put. Simon of course got all tingly and smiley because he once again had the best song selection of all the judges. He told him he was a fantastic singer and a great person and hoped he would return next week. If only he had demanded Lee shave that patch of grass under his chin.

One more week. Now that it’s almost over it seems to have gone by in an instant. It seems like just last week I was nervously shaking at the sight of Victoria Beckham’s skeleton during the very first audition episode. Casey was eliminated tonight. Not a surprise. I will miss the way his entire body stood stiff while he sang except for his head which just slightly shook back and forth. It reminded me of my neighbor from senior year of college whose body did the same thing when he was severely intoxicated. So check back in with me for the finale next week. I’ll try to post my thoughts on a day when people are actually still talking about it. And not three days later….eh, my b.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: I walked in your shoes today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I don’t think you did, sir. I’ve just got the one pair and I sleep in them.

I’m gay for Jamie.

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol, Jamie Foxx stopped by to mentor the kids and reminded us that we should be more upset that he has an Oscar. And possibly even more upset that he has a Grammy. Don’t get me wrong. In 2005 I was all about the Booty Call star receiving an Oscar, I like that kind of underdog story, but his manner when informing others on how to achieve success is downright obnoxious. For example, while mentoring Lee DeWyze, Jamie got inches from his face and instructed him to start singing. The only way this tactic could have been more aggressive would be if Jamie started screaming “Sing! Sing!” in German. The reasoning behind this, Jamie later shared, was if Lee can’t handle this then he can’t handle singing in front of 10,000 people. I hear your point there Jamie but the fact of the matter is, Lee has been singing in front of 20 million+ viewers for about three months now so…maybe you want to take a step back. Before the results show aired it was my hope that Michael Lynche would go home in order to have the ultimate emo-acoustic guitar-off in Idol history.

Tonight the theme was music from film. If you were hoping for a country-blues inspired version of “My Heart Will Go On” from Casey James you will be sorely disappointed.

Lee DeWyze, Kiss From a Rose by Seal. I think it’s time someone acknowledge that this song from the Batman Forever soundtrack is not as affective as one might like to believe it is. Sure it has a nice melody but really it should be reserved for background music at a gynecologist’s office or a playlist for a 90s themed party you throw as an excuse to ironically accessorize your outfit with a mini backpack. A disappointing and predictable choice for Lee. Randy threw out some generic advice by telling him he should have chosen a rock song. Really? Because whenever contestants go that route they inevitably choose “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from Armageddon and I have uncomfortable flashbacks to slow dancing in seventh grade. Simon told him that he was trying too hard to sound like the original and other such repetitive nonsense about making it “original” and making it “you.” Lee explained his choice by saying, and I may or may not be paraphrasing here, “I found it and I liked it!” Mmm not the most articulate fellow. That’s ok, your eyes sparkle so you’re safe.

Michael Lynche, Will You Be There by Michael Jackson. Michael stepped into dangerous territory last night if he is at all concerned with my opinion. And I imagine he is. “Will You Be There” from the Free Willy soundtrack is one of my favorite songs of all time. Last summer while sitting around my friend’s kitchen table I threw my head back so aggressively while lip-synching to this song that I hit my head on the glass cabinet behind me. Granted the original song is a bit lengthy but Michael’s 1:40 mishmash of verses and choruses and vocal runs was filled with poor, indulgent decisions. Ellen called the performance “a little bit predictable.” Yes! Ellen! That’s the kind of insight I have been looking for all season. It was predictable. I have a feeling Michael went to the producers and asked which of the song choices could incorporate a gospel choir that could enhance his “soulfulness.” Kara told him that it was a performance he could do in his sleep and a confused Simon said “I can’t connect a whale named Willy and what you just did.” Oh Simon, you’re so British. Just for making one of the greatest songs from the late Michael Jackson so mediocre, Michael needs to back his bags. Also, I’m not sure of the context, but in my notes I wrote “Jamie Foxx reminds me of the most annoying person I’ve ever met.” Sounds about right.

Casey James, Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel. It’s been a day but I’m pretty sure Ryan introduced this song as the theme from The Graduate. Er, couldn’t it be argued that the theme from The Graduate is Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence” as it was used three times in the film and the version of “Mrs. Robinson” as the radio knows it was not actually the version you hear in the film? I think I could make that argument but you’re a Top 40 guy Ryan so I’ll let it slide. Now with Casey’s performance, first of all, get those girls swaying and clapping behind him away from him. We know they’re doing it because a producer told them to and they want to be on TV. It’s distracting. If the song wasn’t about an older woman’s seduction of a recent college graduate, then I would say the way Casey sang it sounded almost like something you’d hear performed at a church youth group. It lacked a mature quality and bordered on being hokey. The judges were a mess when it came time to critique, making about a dozen references to Kara being a cougar preying on Casey. That joke wasn’t funny the first time it was mentioned four months ago and I am disappointed to see that they are so unoriginal as to bring up again this far into the competition. Simon finally reeled it in, acknowledging that Casey actually has a lot on the line here and as much as Kara would like to believe differently, it’s not about her. He told him “It was a little bit lazy and I think you could have made more of an impact.” Get in the game Case, it’s top 4.

Crystal Bowersox, I’m Alright by Kenny Loggins. This song from Caddyshack was by far the most original song choice of the group and went on to be the strongest solo performance of the night. But unfortunately during movie week, that was kind of like taking home the least amount of Razzies. Still, Crystal came back after two bad weeks and proved that she is as talented as we thought and as creative as her dreadlocks make her appear to be. Ellen told her that she had taken the song and made it better — true –and Kara, suffering a bout of tourettes, told Crystal “Artist. Artist. Artist.” Solid advice as always. Simon told Crystal that she was back in the game and then WINKED! I tell you if I had a dying wish it would be for Simon Cowell to wink at me. During the judging their were multiple camera shots to and multiple conversations regarding Crystal’s boyfriend who must have been moments away from bedtime because he was dressed in a high school gym shirt and American flag pants. Patriotism in the form of pants will not get you points, sir. Briefly, this song reminded me of this gem from Arrested Development which is far more entertaining than the song itself:

Lucille: How’s my son?
Doctor: He’s going to be all right.
Lindsay Funke: Finally some good news from this guy.
George Michael Bluth: There’s no other way to take that.
Doctor: That’s a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don’t know that I’d take it this well.
Lucille: But you said he was alright.
Doctor: Yes, he’s lost his left hand. So he’s going to be “all right.”

There were two duet performances interspersed in last night’s episode, first Lee and Crystal and later a closing number from Casey and Michael. The judges all agreed that both performances were enormously better than any solo they had heard that night. It was a little sad to see the pairings because clearly the producers were presenting your top two and your soon-to-be-forgotten two. Michael and Casey sang “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” from Don Juan DeMarco. Ellen chimed in, “As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman.” Cue uproarious laughter. Aww, everyone loves a lesbian joke as told by a lesbian. Lee and Crystal blew every performance from this season to date out of the water with “Falling Slowly” from Once. Enjoy below.

Michael Lynche did go home and no one was more upset about than his wife. Which was sweet, but also just reminded me that Michael skipped out on the birth of his child for this so…hope it was worth it. Next week the top three go home and we the viewers get to see great footage of Arlington Race Track during Lee’s homecoming. Chicago’s northern suburbs should be so proud.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jenna: He was flirting. Did you ever even talk to him?
Liz: I yelled at him about a rule violation.

It’s like jazz. Jazz that you can laugh at. Ah ha ha ha!

Dear Tina,

How much time do you think it would take for five people to perform songs with each one lasting no more than two and a half minutes? Well if you used your basic math skills you might guess seven and a half minutes. Well you would be wrong. It takes an hour. Last night I caught American Idol after it originally aired which turned out to be a good thing because while FOX dedicated an entire hour to the show, I managed to see everything I needed to see in approximately 23 minutes. It was Frank Sinatra night mentored by the wonderfully hilarious Harry Connick Jr. A genre that really doesn’t fit any singer other than Frank Sinatra, Frank Sinatra impersonators on America’s Got Talent, and Harry Connick Jr. It was a night of a lot of yeah-I-guess-that-was-good’s. Let’s take a look.

Aaron Kelly, Fly Me to the Moon. Well Aaron gets two points last night for wearing a suit vest, the first fitted article of clothing he’s worn all season. Apparently his dad ran out of leather jackets from the 1980s to borrow. When Aaron walked into his rehearsal, HCJ, as he will be known for the rest of this post, shouted “Big Mike!” Funny! I wish all mentors were musically and comedically talented. I may have actually listened to what Miley Cyrus had to say had she been even slightly more amusing than a cardboard cutout version of herself. After his performance, where he looked awfully serious considering you can’t get much more lighthearted than Sinatra, Randy reminded Aaron that they are at the stage in the competition where the judges really need to see who is in it to win it. Haven’t they been saying that since, like, the top 11? Anyway, Kara told Aaron he could stand to have a bit more charisma and needed to fill the stage with his presence. But observing his wilting body language she quickly adds, “This isn’t a negative, this is constructive criticism. Ok honey?” So actually it’s not constructive criticism, it’s condescending criticism. Also, supporting Aaron in the audience last night was the cast of Steel Magnolias. Or maybe just his mom and her friends. Hard to tell. He’ll be safe this week, I’m sure, but if he makes it to the top three I’m moving to Canada.

Casey James, Blue Skies. The ponytail was back so as far as I’m concerned he could have howled like an alley cat during his performance and I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Before cueing to his video package, Ryan sat with Casey on stage and once again made reference to Casey’s good looks and large female fan base. I honestly think Ryan gets more excited about Casey being a heart throb than Casey does. In an attempt to stray away from Ryan’s ogling, Casey told a story about his friend who called him up last week to see if he was available for a gig on Tuesday. So Casey’s inner circle is out of touch with mainstream culture. Shock. It’s not hard for me to imagine how Casey fits into a group like that. Sometimes I think Casey just stumbled onto this enormous platform, saw an audience, grabbed a guitar, shrugged and said “Alright, let’s tear it up!” When it came time to perform, a guitarless Casey struggled with how to make use of his mic-free hand. The poor guy needed a coffee mug to hold on to or something. The judges collectively disliked the performance mainly because he sung it poorly. Not a good sign. Considering he’s been in the bottom two for the past two weeks, and America seems to have an affinity for David Archuleta types, I’m afraid Casey’s time may have come.

Crystal Bowersox, Summer Wing. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching someone do something that was clearly not their idea and therefore they deliver the direction extremely awkwardly. Such was my experience watching Crystal sit next to HCJ at the start of her song and then stroke his arm like a middle schooler trying her hand at flirting for the first time. Crystal looked stunning in a strapless gown and thanks to the Idol makeover machine, they managed to almost completely mask her dreadlocks with a swanky up-do. Seriously if you were to do a screen split of Crystal at her audition and Crystal last night, you would have sworn it was two different people. Kind of like the before and after images of Heidi Montag during the current opening credits for The Hills—except not terrifying. During the judging there were a variety of synonyms for “meh” used to describe how the first three felt. So it was a relief when Simon’s turn came, who nailed the problem right on the head. As I mentioned last week, Crystal has a tendency to talk back to the judges when defending her selection and arrangement. Simon aptly reminded her that “It’s not about just singing for yourself anymore. It’s about using this opportunity to nail it week after week after week.” While I appreciate Crystal’s desire to express different sides of her musical ability, it’s still a competition and if you were a track star you wouldn’t jog during a sprint just to show people how versatile you are. Step it up.

Michael Lynche, The Way You Look Tonight. I’d like to refer back to a frequent criticism of Simon’s and that is to say someone or something was indulgent. Michael Lynche that hat you wore last night for Sinatra week was indulgent. I just…the hat, the vest, the wallet chain. It’s overkill. It’s like the American Idol equivalent of a “hottest bachelors” photo shoot where all the men are playing frisbee on the beach shirtless. Really Michael, you have swagger, I get it. His performance was solid and I think he has continued to prove that it wasn’t a total waste using the judges save on him a few weeks back. After he sang, Randy pulled out an old staple from his bag of acclamations with, “That’s what I’m talking about!” which is usually followed by a half-stand and a two-finger point at the contestant. Ellen praised him for being the most comfortable on stage and moving with the greatest ease of any of the five contestants left. A bit ironic considering his biceps are the size of Aaron Kelly sitting down so I wouldn’t call him limber, but nevertheless true. Michael won’t win the competition but it’s kind of fun to think back to the auditions and realize that a guy you never gave half a chance to is truly holding his own through the end.

Lee DeWyze, That’s Life. Old Blue Eyes anyone? Did he have a procedure done to make his eyes sparkle like that? I don’t know if anyone else caught this but when it cut to Lee right before the commercial break when he was up in the balcony he absolutely winked at the camera. Um, was that for votes? Because it worked. Well in my heart it worked, I didn’t actually make a call. HCJ referred to Lee as “a new and improved version of me” which I don’t really think is fair because were HCJ to knock on my door I wouldn’t turn him away hoping for someone younger. I’m just saying. After listening to the praise Michael Lynche received, I was struck by Lee’s stage presence, which reminded me of a college freshman giving a presentation in Speech Comm 100. Regardless, he sang the song phenomenally and may have officially jumped rank and become my first choice to win. Kara asked Lee, with the aggression of a schoolyard bully, “do you think you can win this??” Ahh yes just stop yelling at me! Simon spoke on behalf of the other judges for no other reason other than he can, and announced Lee’s performance the best of the night. Pretty nice except that such a grand compliment was attached to Simon reminding him that he had no one but HCJ to thank for that:”He brought out your personality, your confidence.” So Lee you may want to hire him as your permanent mentor. Or Usher. Your call.

We’re getting down to the wire. By the end of the month we’ll have our 9th idol to…idolize…for a few shorts weeks before they become the opening act for the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. Well in anticipation here’s hoping Kara isn’t responsible for writing the winner’s song this year. Save ourselves from another “You’ll make it through the pain/Weather the hurricanes/To get that one thing” travesty like last year. To get to that one thing, huh? I see specificity was never your forte Ms. DioGuardi.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Oh you idiot with your stupid face! You look like Gene Simmons had sex with a basset hound!

Well, who’s this southern peach?

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol the contestants took a swing at the songbook of country sensation Shania Twain. Did you know that Shania has the best selling album of all time for a female recording artist? And that it was also the best selling Country album of all time? Well Wikipedia.com knew and now so do I. The album, Come on Over, featured sixteen tracks, twelve of which became singles. Pretty impressive considering current singing sensation Justin Bieber only has ten songs total on his number one album. I was really hoping one of the contestants would tackle “That Don’t Impress Me Much”, preferably Aaron Kelly if for no other reason than to hear him say “Ok. So you’re Brad Pitt!” And maybe he too would have worn a leopard print hoodie for the performance as Shania did in the music video. Turns out things went a bit more predictably and all leopard hoodies were left on the racks. Maybe they’ll find a way to incorporate them in next week’s tribute to Frank Sinatra. On to the performances.

Lee DeWyze, You’re Still the One. I was reminded last night when Shania Twain told Lee he was “rushing the guitar a little bit” that the advice to slow down or speed up is virtually all these mentors ever offer. Either that or they just say something about how proud they are to hear the song sung so well by another artist (and then you realize they’re talking to Aaron Kelly and that they’re lying). Lee did sound great, in the predictable way that he always sounds great when singing with an acoustic guitar and a raspy voice. Randy told Lee he had found his sweet spot in this lower register, an observation that could have been made after hearing Lee at his audition, and therefore irrelevant. Ellen made the unfortunate mistake of opening with a pun, “All aboard the Shania Twain!”, and now I can no longer say the singer’s name without feeling like I have a speech impediment. Kara used the song’s lyrics as an awkward segue into telling Lee “look how far you’ve made it!” and proceeded to interrupt Simon when he tried to talk leaving Lee without any criticism or praise from the only judge he cares to hear it from. If only Kara’s need to be the only voice heard in the room was a solitary occurrence last night…

Michael Lynche, It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing. While I was taking notes I initially wrote down “It Only Hurts When You’re Breathing” which definitely has violent undertones so I was glad to realize my error. I had never heard this song before which is good for Michael because after he sang it, I honestly couldn’t imagine it as anything other than an R&B record. That being said, Michael has a tendency to sing every song as if he were singing “I’ll Cover You (Reprise)” from Rent. For those that don’t know, that song is sung in tribute to the character’s dead lover. So…tone down the drama Michael. The camera cut to the audience just in time to see Shania’s single tear rolling down her cheek and cut back to Michael just in time to see him lick his lips 17 more times before he was through singing. When it was over, Ellen compared him to Luther Vandross (accurate) and Simon described his performance style as “wet.” Before given an opportunity to elaborate, Kara once again interrupted him and we had the second awkward transition back to Ryan of the night.

Casey James, Don’t. Sweet Casey decided to clear his head after winding up in the bottom two last week and for our sake did so outside of a spray tan booth. A far cry from that lovely shade of orange he was sporting last week, Casey looked delightful with his hair down and what appeared to be a whale’s tooth around his neck. Also, for the first time I noticed how similar his hair texture is to Taylor Swift’s. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or not, but I’m leaning towards not. Get that guy a hair tie. During his video introduction Casey reveals that this song will give him a chance to do something he hasn’t done yet: sing. Uh, what exactly have you been doing this whole time? Whatever it was clearly you’ve distracted your audience with winking and smiles because they keep voting for you regardless. After the performance though, I think I see his point. Vocally he finally took the risk Kara has been asking him to take all season. Kara tells him, and I may be paraphrasing, “Artists do not hide the good, the bad, the ugly. You were vulnerable, you were raw. You didn’t cover it up, you didn’t hide.” He’s not going through rehab, let’s all catch our breath. The judges gave a resounding “best performance from you so far” and Casey is sure to be safe this week.

Crysal Bowersox, No One Needs to Know. I mean, yeah, the night that everyone else kind of amps things up was not the night for you to decide to perform in the style of a basement jam session. I’m nervous because Crystal was virtually the only one who received any negative feedback so hopefully her fan base is larger and more aggressive than I am imagining. I think Crystal is stunning but considering the American Idol voting demographic is girls between the ages of 12 and 12 ½, her dreadlocks and enormous back tattoo may not be doing her any favors. Crystal and half a dozen other musicians playing center stage with her, strummed through this number that I am fairly certain only Shania Twain herself has ever listened to. Randy complimented her for keeping it country during what was essentially country week. Simon was most succinct with his judgement when he said “Shocker. We don’t like Crystal this week.” Yes, they can waste time bemoaning “it wasn’t your best” or “that’s not what we expect from you” (and boy did they) or we can call a spade a spade and move on. No it wasn’t great. But it still showcased passion and skill and for that Crystal should be safe. The most disappointing moment was when Crystal talked back to the judges. Ugh, honestly did we learn nothing from Justin Guarini in season 1? Take your criticisms like a gentleman or a lady and hope for the best. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

Aaron Kelly, You’ve Got A Way. Someone had a birthday! Yes our little Aaron is all…but one year away from being an adult. It still feels like infinity. With Aaron, and I don’t just say this because his presence in this competition annoys me so much, but I really think that week to week people kind of forget he’s still around. Up until last week, us faithful (and wise) Idol fans were crabby all day on Tuesday knowing we had to come home and watch another Tim Urban performance but at least we remembered it was coming. When Aaron shows up to sing you’re kind of like “oh yeah, that kid.” So who’s voting for him? Yeah, his mom, I know, but seriously who else? I try to always give credit where credit is earned and Aaron definitely sang his song well last night. But that’s kind of like the time a few years ago when I was singing leisurely in my friend’s basement and he said “oh that note sounded good.” Really? Just the one? Yes Aaron, just this one. Kara was glad that Aaron had rephrased the line “It’s in the way we make love” because that was something, she thinks, he hasn’t experienced yet. And I was glad he changed it too after it was revealed that he had dedicated the song to his mother. In conclusion, I hope he goes home tonight.

Siobhan Magnus, Any Man of Mine. During their time together, Shania told Siobhan that she was playing a role in this song and that she needed to get into character. Isn’t Siobhan kind of enough character on her own? Last time she tried on too many characters she wound up coming on stage covered in butterflies. Ellen, regrettably, told Siobhan “Way to pull the Shania Twain into the station.” The more time I spend on this Earth the more I realize how much I hate puns. While Simon was beginning to say “The screaming at the end may have been a bit…” he was interrupted again by Kara. Really Kara, sometimes I try and look for reasons to embrace you as a judge and it has become an uphill battle. When Simon was given the opportunity to continue speaking, he told her to watch her facial expressions when she goes into shrill mode. I likened the look on Siobhan’s face during her final wail to that of someone suffering constipation, Simon compared it to child birth. Either way, hone that in. It is your money maker after all. For those that like to pay money for that sort of thing.

So we’re halfway through the top 12 and looking back I can’t even remember some of the contestants that were with us not too long ago. Paige Miles? Was that someone I went to middle school with? Tonight we lose one more and God willing it’s not Crystal, Lee, or Casey. The talent this season was already verging on intolerable so to lose one of the performers I actually looked forward to seeing would be a shame. And by shame I mean I would consider discontinuing the season recording on my DVR. What would be the point? To watch instant replay of Siobhan parading around in the costume rejection collection from Romy and Michele’s High School Reuinon? I’d rather watch Cougar Town.

Update: Siobhan went home. Fine.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: What makes you laugh?
Kenneth: The usual I suppose. Two hobos sharing a bean. Lady airline pilots.

Sir, I accidentally saw your paycheck. Well I hope it was inspirational.

Dear Tina,

The number of contestants on American Idol is finally starting to dwindle significantly. Great news for me as it means I have less work to do on Wednesdays. This week was Inspiration Week with guest mentor Alicia Keys. Not the most inspirational singer I can think of but I guess Enrique Iglesias was busy. Onto the performances.

Casey James, Don’t Stop by Fleetwood Mac. Casey returned this week well rested after spending the majority of his time in between performances in a tanning booth. Holy orange skin, did you get confused and think you were suddenly competing on Dancing With The Stars? You’re from Texas–the sun-kissed look was working much better for you. The judges were less than pleased with Casey’s performance. Ellen reminded Casey that the competition is getting to the stage where she has to start getting tougher. “Someone is going home every week.” Well, yes, but it’s kind of been like that for awhile now but I hear what you’re saying. Kara criticized Casey for making himself sound like everybody else and said for the umpteenth time this season that she was really “frustrated.” Your role as judge is to be objective so please, was it good or bad and why, spare us your inner turmoil. Simon noted that the song wasn’t exactly inspirational, which unfortunately is true. It’s the kind of song you’d put on a playlist for a cocktail party if you wanted all music selections to be neutral.

Lee DeWyze, The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. Praise from the judges (ie “I could see that being on your record.” or “This is you in your element.”) often feels insincere or hyperbolized in the context of the performance. Take Tim Urban’s performance during Elvis week. The judges acted like singing one song slightly above average actually made him a contender in a competition that is looking for a music superstar. But last night when Simon told Lee that he made his rendition of “The Boxer” sound like it was something written a week ago, it was a spot on critique worthy of this performance. Lee transformed the folk rock hit into an edgier, acoustic rock version that encapsulated Lee as an artist. So much so that had you never heard the original, you never would have guessed it was a Simon and Garfunkel song. Yet he still maintained the emotion and, for the sake of the theme, inspiration tied to the song’s lyrics and musicality. Randy commented that “This season is really about artists.” Hold your horses there Randy. This season is really about mediocrity, you just have contestants like Lee and Crystal there to give you hope that there is still enough talent left in the country for this show to stay relevant until your contract is up.

Tim Urban, Better Days by The Goo Goo Dolls. If you can’t inspire America with a Goo Goo Dolls song, that’s like a preacher not being able to inspire his congregation with The Bible. How hard can it be to trigger an emotional response when you’re singing about praying for the world’s children to have a more peaceful future? Well I’ll tell you it becomes a lot harder when your audience is too distracted by your inability to stay on pitch to even consider the children. And that’s where Tim falters a bit. Er, a lot. Kara told Tim that this style of music (meaning the use of an acoustic guitar) is where he belongs but it wasn’t his best execution. There was nothing complicated about this piece, not a single note outside the kid’s comfort zone, so if he can’t execute this well, then what exactly are we waiting for? Ellen, keen on the metaphors, compared Tim to the soup of the day: “sometimes I like the soup and sometimes I don’t like the soup.” I like where Ellen is going with this because I hate soup so when I see the soup of the day I say “pass.”

Aaron Kelly, I Believe I Can Fly by R. Kelly. The only thing I learned about Aaron during Inspiration Week is that he is a fan of the movie Space Jam and/or Michael Jordan. Well, who isn’t so once again Aaron you have proved yourself unremarkable and unmemorable. In case it has slipped your memory, I Believe I Can Fly is the theme song from Space Jam and also apparently the theme song from Aaron’s preschool graduation. A nugget of information disclosed by Aaron after his performance. Sigh. Kara used a flight/airplane metaphor to describe his performance, something about a bumpy take-off. Simon more succinctly said that if he had heard that on the radio he would have turned it off after ten seconds. Think of it as the Plain White T’s effect.

Siobhan Magnus, When You Believe by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. Really? You didn’t want to go for the song that included all of the former divas from Divas Live? You thought two might be more subtle and invite less comparison? I’m sure all of my questions will be answered by Siobhan herself in no less than 2000 words. I don’t know why Siobhan is the only contestant who feels the need (and is allowed) to respond to the judges’ critiques by way of an emotional diatribe on par with Norma Rae’s but we need to shut that down. To make matters worse, or better if you like plastic butterflies hanging off your clothes, the outfit Siobhan was wearing looked like she was promoting absinthe at a college bar. Kara offered this gem of a critique likely to put Siobhan on the fast track to music stardom: “I’m starting to feel like I’d want to hang out with you more than buy your record.” Oh. Ok, so…do you have plans this Friday? With Siobhan, what once felt like originality, now feels overthought and self-conscious. This articulation of how brave she thinks she is when it comes to song choice feels like a guilt trip to keep her in the competition. This isn’t Project Runway, you don’t get to have a conversation about your work. You get to smile and nod at the judges and then show us the number to call with your fingers as if we were mute kindergartners like everyone else does.

Michael Lynche, Hero by Nickelback. I’m sorry, did you not get the memo on Nickelback Mr. Lynche? Their association with the music industry can only be explained by every industry’s desire for a scapegoat as well as their complacency in being ruthlessly mocked for writing lyrics like “Look at this photograph/Everytime I do it makes me laugh.” Shudder. Simon didn’t have much to say regarding Michael’s singing. All he knew was that the song was from Spiderman and as far as he was concerned that made the selection unforgivable. Michael argued that it’s not just about Spiderman because we’re all heroes…on the inside…or something. Although I’m fine with the judges using their only save on Michael (as long as nothing horrific happens over the next two weeks like the early dismissal of Lee or Crystal), when he performs I usually see it as an opportunity to go to the bathroom or refill my water glass. Like a commercial break. If a commercial break had a neck the width of my bed frame.

Crystal Bowersox, People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield. Clearly the producers of American Idol had their heads screwed back on straight after last week, because Crystal returned to her rightful spot as the show’s closer with an original and emotional performance that brought her to tears. It truly was in a class of its own with Crystal taking ownership of the stage and singing with the ease and confidence of a seasoned professional. She continues to interpret each week’s theme with an effort that will cater to her strengths as a performer. She is like no other contestant we have seen in Idol‘s nine season history because her appeal isn’t about belting high notes or being the object of a 12 year old’s affection. She is the only contestant I can remember who seems genuinely motivated by a passion for music as opposed to a desire for opportunity and fame. I hope she wins it all. I believe when she is finally given the opportunity to do her own thing and can pretend the week of Elvis covers were just a bad dream, she will come out with an album that adequately conveys the depth of her relationship with music. On another note, her mic stand from home that finally arrived in Hollywood and was used during her performance, looked like a bong. I’m just saying, there are kids watching.

As you can probably tell based on when this post finally showed up on Dear Tina, this was written after the results show. Tim Urban was sent home. He didn’t get to perform. That time was spent listening to celebrities subtly promote their movies (Queen Latifah and Common making introductions together a coincidence? No.) while overtly promoting malaria-awareness in Africa during Idol Give Back. Well, good luck to you Tim. You now have quite an impressive resume–I’m sure when you return to college there will be a student director ready to snatch you up for the Student Union production of Hair.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: Hello, is anyone there? I’m in a dark tunnel, and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he’s a friend. Oh never mind, there’s a door. Oh! It’s sunny!

Okay, which one of us is gonna give up first?

Dear Tina,

This was said to me at work today as I was writing this post:

In Disney World there was a sign that said “I Love You Greg.” Wait. Actually, it said “I Love You God.”

So many questions there. Why was that poster in Disney World? When did you learn to read, young friend? The answers are, per usual, irrelevant.

Onto the subject of today’s post. Last night American Idol featured the Top 9: Redux. You may recall last week the judges used their save on Michael Lynche so no one was eliminated, leaving the same nine contestants to compete again this week. In general the performances were as mediocre as they were the week before. There is no indication that anyone competing on this show will eventually try to challenge themselves, therefore I might suggest that the producers start airing reruns. Most of us at home won’t even notice. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule and so we take a deeper look at who that might have been and who it was definitely not. The theme of the night was Elvis Presley (blech) and Adam Lambert scampered in to mentor the impressionable minds of the top eight nine.

Crystal Bowersox, Saved. One thing I learned after last night’s episode is that Crystal should never go first. I know there is a level of fairness we need to be concerned with here and you cannot give a contestant the advantage of the finale performance every single week, but putting Crystal first is like Janis Joplin opening for Demi Lovato. That being said, the thing with Crystal is that she’s always good but good at the same thing. While we at home appreciate consistency, she is running the risk of becoming forgettable as all of her performances over the course of the show are starting to blend into one long acoustic guitar version of a chart hit. The judges like her because of this consistency and commend her for ability to interpret different genres in her own style. But the less specific their critiques become, because after awhile what else is there to say, the more forgettable Crystal becomes as contestants like Lee Dewyze continue to make significant improvements.

Andrew Garcia, Hound Dog. I wish I could just have the memory of Andrew as he was during Hollywood week. I want to like him as much as I did then, yet I can’t help but resent him for his horrendously boring performance last night. Not to mention the half a dozen other performances that fall under that same category. During the mentoring session, Adam Lambert suggested that Andrew put some energy in the performance–the poor guy was practically falling asleep right there on Cirque du Soleil’s stage! A good tip for Andrew but, if it was even possible, when it came time for the performance his rendition of “Hound Dog” was even more boring than it was in rehearsal. I may get in trouble for saying this because I have a friend who is a passionate supporter of Andrew’s but last night he truly stood out as the worst. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but even worse than Tim. We’ve lost hope Andrew and now it’s time to go.

Tim Urban, Can’t Help Falling In Love. Although it may seem that I gave Tim a compliment a moment ago, rest assured he was the second worst performance last night. One could argue that he was better than a handful of contestants but Tim remains the second worst by default for being the only contestant who never should have made it to the top 12 to begin with. The judges, on the other hand, were offering him praise hand over fist. This always happens. As soon as the obnoxious kid who is as karaoke as they come slows things down and puts an acoustic guitar on his lap, the judges act like he re-imagined the Gospel. It was fine and as Randy said last week, “it was good for a Tim performance.” I will only buy the idea that Tim is improving when he has the know-how to cut his hair, which looks like a youthful interpreation of the atrocity atop Rod Blagojevich’s head.

Lee Dewyze, A Little Less Conversation. Lee was one of two singers last night who made me forget how much I dislike Elvis music. If you’ll allow me to make up an adjective, his song choice was one of the most Elvis-y of all the performances last night. Hearing it conjures up not only images of the King himself, but of every single Elvis impersonation I have ever seen on television (and I watched Full House so I’ve seen a lot). Lee turned the Elvis classic into a true rock song, changing the musicality of the piece to elicit less hip shaking, more rhythmic clapping. I feel like I am running the risk of sounding like Kara here, but he found his voice in this song and made the performance about his talent instead of Elvis’s.

Aaron Kelly, Blue Sued Shoes. Do I even have to go here? His jacket was five times too large and it made him look five times too small. Which left him somewhere in the range of teeny-tiny and itty bitty. The song was a lackluster choice for Aaron to begin with and continued downhill from the moment he started walking down those stairs. I liked watching the footage of the mentoring session when Aaron almost accidentally added a cub-like growl to one of the lyrics. Adam, who loves a nice growl, kept pushing him to do it more but as soon as Aaron was put to task, he failed to recreate that natural prowess he had stumbled upon and eventually folded under the pressure. To be fair, Aaron admitted that he didn’t know why he chose this song as he can’t relate to it all. Thank you for your candor, but sometimes honesty is not the best policy and cluing us into your obliviousness will not bode well for you in the future.

Siobhan Magnus, Suspicious Minds. Siobhan came back this week and brought along her friend, the scream. Yes, Siobhan has gone back to garnering votes via her upper register and while most of the judges welcomed the return, Simon was afraid to say that it wasn’t as good as it had been in weeks past. He advised her, in his delightfully British way, that she may need to look at other options to serve as her golden goose because those screeching high notes are not producing the results she needs to stay in the competition. He complained that her song choice did not reflect who she is as an artist and suggested she spend time defining that a bit more. Siobhan, looking like she was ready to create a Simon-inspired voodoo doll, argued that she has never viewed herself as just one kind of artist–she’s a lot of things and will continue to perform accordingly. Ok Siobhan, then when your album is shipped to music stores across the country, we’ll just tell the stockers to put your album in the “Not Just One Kind of Singer” category.

Michael Lynche, In The Ghetto. Well Michael definitely had a lot to prove last night. After being eliminated last week and subsequently saved, it was his responsibility to make sure he didn’t prompt a unanimous response of “what were we thinking?” Give yourself a pat on the back Michael, because not only did you prove yourself good enough to be worth saving, but you delivered the best performance of the night. I don’t like to use the word soulful because I think American Idol uses it ad nauseum when it comes to their black contestants and Taylor Hicks, but in this instance Michael embodied the very essence of soul music. It was emotional, melodic, and it seemed to be personal for the singer himself. I would have been fine to see Michael go last week. Tonight I genuinely hope Michael is safe; the results should reflect the talent and Michael’s is exceptional.

Katie Stevens, Baby What You Want Me to Do. Not nearly as significant as the progress she made last week with “Let it Be,” Katie’s performance last night was…fine. There was a lot going on that’s for sure. Katie was all over the stage, at one point jamming–as much as a teenager thinks she can jam–with a horn section. This paved the way for a classic Ellen pun, “It was a very horny song.” Uh, yes, but we’re running short on time so if you could get to the critique of her musical abilities, that would be great. Simon said something critical and insightful. It was hard to understand what exactly it was because Kara kept talking over him as if she hadn’t had enough time to express her opinion a moment ago, and eventually Simon gave in and said “They [the other judges] liked it so it doesn’t really matter what I think.” Part of me hopes that Katie does go home just to emphasize my point that it only matters what Simon thinks but she won’t and she doesn’t really deserve to either.

Casey James, Lawdy, Miss Clawdy. The ponytail was back and I was in heaven. Seriously, the man wears a ponytail better than most women I know. I lost a bit of focus towards the end because Glee was coming up and I was becoming flushed over the anticipation. My memory tells me that it wasn’t his best. He certainly didn’t stand out among the night’s best performances. In fact, as someone who I admire for knowing the genre of music that best fits his voice and style, Casey’s Blues interpretation of this track was bordering on dull. Don’t worry though. As long as Casey’s eyes sparkle at some point while he is on stage (and they always do) then he’ll be safe until we get down to the top four or five and the competition gets really stiff. Kara is right to tell Casey she needs to see him push himself more. Even if this doesn’t feel like a competition, thanks in large part to people like Tim Urban, it most definitely is and it appears Casey has yet to explore anything outside his comfort zone. A hint for Casey, Kara would put a check on that to-do list if you just went into falsetto at the end of a song. That’s all she ever needs.

So as I said, tonight we lose two contestants. That will make for some good TV. Hmm, maybe not. It’s hard to consider something good TV when it takes up an entire hour of primetime to make an announcement that only takes about three minutes. And that’s being generous.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: I’m meeting a book agent about writing a “Deal Breaker” book.  He’s going to take me to lunch where ever I want to go. Do you know if there’s a sit down Quizno’s in Midtown?

And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again! Because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman! I’m sorry. I’m just so tired.

Dear Tina,

We have much to discuss. Let’s not waste a minute.

First, tonight while playing Dinosaur Bingo:

The 6 year old girl: I wish I was a dinosaur so I could kill you!
The 5 year old boy: If you were a dinosaur you would die.

There is nothing more delightful than when children are unknowingly as witty as adults.

Second, this week on Dear Tina will not feature a full recap of American Idol. The reason is twofold. One, as I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I was cooking during a majority of the two hour performance episode and therefore was unable to record my every criticism as I have in weeks past. Two, I just got back from my friend’s apartment, it is after midnight, and there is no room in my schedule to spit out the usual novella-length whine fest surrounding Tim Urban’s hair and Aaron Kelly’s childlike annoyingness.

Which brings me to my very important point number three. As I was driving my friend home tonight he asked if I had written my Dear Tina post for the day yet. I told him no and then commented to myself that I have a tendency to include in many a post how late it is or how tired I am. His response, a very casual “Yes, you do.” So I am putting an end to that. If it is 4 in the morning or 4 in the afternoon you will never know because you don’t need to know and I didn’t start this blog to get a sympathy card from Tina Fey sending her condolences for my lack of sleep. Unless, Tina, you have intended to fold an employment contract into said card, I am not after your sympathy. I am after whatever emotion or sentiment is attached to the thought “Hey! This girl could really shine over on team 30 Rock!” She would Tina. Like a bright star she would shine. And she might even throw in free babysitting on the weekend.

Next, if I’m not going to address the performance episode of American Idol, I should at least acknowledge the results show because boy was it a doozy. For the first time in three weeks a woman was not sent home, so that was promising. Although after Siobhan showed up in leftover wardrobe options from the set of The Wedding Singer, I can’t argue that I would have missed her had she been voted off. No, the big news tonight was that Michael Lynche and Andrew Garcia were in the bottom two. Unfortunately in just a week’s time I fell back off the Andrew Garcia bandwagon and I am now resolved to remain off with the acknowledgement that in the future there may be a performance or two I will enjoy. But, no, I can no longer consider myself a cheerleader of Andrew’s success. However, of the nine we have left, these two were not the ones we should consider letting go. I shake my fist at you America. You know who I blame? Simon. You look at Tim Urban and you think “lost cause.” He can’t sing worth a nickel, he’s annoying and he responded to the question “Why do you smile so much?” with the answer “Because I like to make other people smile.” Um, this is American Idol not a callback for 7th Heaven. But Simon had to go ahead last night and encourage him and deem his performance a marked improvement from weeks past. Even if this were true, which is largely debatable, you can’t confuse middle America like that. You are now validating the votes he has received thus far which will only encourage more voting in his favor. We all know that no matter what comes out of his mouth, he’s the worst one and frankly he should be reminded of that until America gets a clue and puts an end to the madness. Sure enough, Tim was as safe as Macaulay Culkin hiding in the nativity scene in Home Alone.

Aaron Kelly, once again dressed like a kid performing in a music video for Kidz Bop, rounded out the bottom three but was quickly sent safely back to the couch. So as I mentioned we had Big Mike and Andrew Garcia in the bottom two and to everyone’s surprise I’m sure, Big Mike was given the official ax. But wait! Spoiler Alert! The judges used their one save a season on Michael Lynche so next week we will once again have nine contestants but TWO people will be going home. So good news for Michael but in reality the whole concept of a save is ridiculous. We have learned from last night’s results that America does not love Michael the way we thought we did, and certainly not as much as Michael thought we did so he’s not going to win. He can leave now, when America asked him to, or in two or three weeks. Or, next week. Either way, when it comes down to the finale, the judges’ save will have made no difference. Also, American Idol sights their reason for wanting to add the judges’ save to avoid upsets like when Jennifer Hudson or Chris Daughtry went home earlier than expected. But in these two most famous instances, Jennifer Hudson was not a fan favorite so no one should have been that surprised she went home (I believe the surprise came later when she won an Oscar) and Chris Daughtry was eliminated when there were only four contestants left so the judges’ save could not have been applied to him anyway as it must be used before the top 5 performers are decided. Really the entire concept was not a well thought out plan; a clear sign that the producers latched on to the idea thinking it could potentially rejuvenate the format of the long running show. Well good for Big Mike. Now we get to see him perform again and then get eliminated again. It’s like Groundhog’s Day. If Bill Murray was a big, burly black man.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: What are you doing?
Tracy: Payback. For the way your treated me. You used me!
Jack: God, It’s like dating Katie Couric all over again. I didn’t use you, I created a situation that could have been mutually beneficial and you blew it.

What’s going on out here? Nothing, Gladys Knight. Sorry. Sorry everyone.

Dear Tina,

Well if you didn’t get enough of Usher in 2004 when you couldn’t go longer than three minutes without hearing “Yeah,” then I hope you tuned into American Idol last night for an evening of R&B with Usher as the guest mentor. This genre could have gone one of two ways, disastrously or fabulously. Turns out, it went both ways. R&B is a great vocal styling for many singers, it just so happens that on season 9 of American Idol we have both fabulous and disastrous contestants. Now that we’re in week three of the big stage, I’ve come to the conclusion that some of these singers couldn’t sell a song if it was written for them. Cough. Tim Urban. Overall it was a great improvement from last week (let’s just blame Miley for that one) and I’m finally starting to enjoy and re-enjoy people on this show other than Crystal and Simon. Here we go.

Siobhan Magnus, Thru the Fire by Chaka Khan. Siobhan described herself as “wicked nervous” when it came time to meet Usher. At least he was wearing sunglasses the entire time to avoid anyone mistaking his mentoring for normal human interaction. Her nerves never quite subsided as her take on this R&B hit was a wailing mess. I know this marks my second My Best Friend’s Wedding reference in a week, but it reminded me of the scene in that movie when Cameron Diaz karaoke’s to “I Just Don’t Know What to Do to Myself.” The judges didn’t take too kindly to the performance either and Siobhan was mere moments away from a fit. Kara at one point in her judging referred to a section as “the screaming part.” Ok, if in a singing competition anything can be deemed “the screaming part,” we’re in trouble. And by we I mean Siobhan. I don’t have much riding on this. The highlight came when Simon called her, I believe more than once, Sh-bawn. He went on to say that he is beginning to find the screamed high note at the end boring. Sh-bawn needs to find a way to make her entire performance musically interesting otherwise we lose the element of surprise, soon to be followed by the element of enjoyment.

Casey James, Hold On, I’m Coming by Sam & Dave. Did you see that ponytail? Do you see what I mean? Casey is one that has officially been added to my list of contestants I look forward to seeing. It took me awhile to forgive him for singing “Heaven” by Bryan Adams during the top 24, which I only want to know as a techno hit. The judges also enjoyed his take on R&B, Simon going so far as to call it his best performance yet. And once again, looking at Casey’s expression, we learn that Simon’s opinion is really the only one any of the contestants care about. Also, have you noticed that every time Kara says “playing your guitar” to anyone she can’t help but pantomime the action simultaneously? Why do you do that Kara?

OH! When Ryan reappeared, right before he gave out Casey’s numbers, we had this delightful bit of dialogue:

Ryan: (To Casey) When Kara said she wanted to see more of you, she meant musically.
Kara: Are you kidding Ryan?!
Ryan: YES I’M KIDDING! LET’S HAVE SOME FUN!

Point, Seacrest.

Michael Lynche, Ready For Love by India.Arie. When the theme of the week is a music genre, there is almost always one contestant who is already a part of that genre and should therefore have the best performance. Imagine if Carrie Underwood stunk up the joint during Country week. Things may not have turned out so well. So for R&B week the pressure was on for Michael Lynche. He decided to take the edge off by performing his song with his back to the judges. This upset me as it implies that the judges are a nonentity when in fact they should be the only people Michael cares to impress. Would Miss America contestants dare twirl their batons in a way that gave the judges an obstructed view? No, they would not. With that aside, Michael definitely has a great voice and an interesting vibe to him so if he does win it’s nice to know it’s not just because America thinks he looks cuddly. Cough. Ruben Studdard. Simon said he was ready to take him seriously as an artist. Does that mean prior to this Simon thought Michael was kidding around up there? Hard to say.

Didi Benami, What Becomes of the Broken Hearted by Jimmy Ruffin. As soon as Ryan alluded to Didi having an emotional day with Usher before the break, I knew we were heading into gloomy territory with a reprise of the story we heard when Didi first auditioned–the loss of her best friend four years ago. During the footage of the mentoring session it was a tender moment to watch Didi struggle with the emotion of the song. What was not so tender was watching Ryan after her performance try to beat the emotion out of her. She made it pretty clear right away that she didn’t want to discuss the details of who she was thinking about but Ryan wouldn’t accept that. “Tell everyone why you’re so emotional singing that song?…Why were you in tears with Usher?…I think its important that people know why…She sang that song for someone, we can leave at that.” YES PLEASE DO LEAVE IT AT THAT RYAN SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I know tears are good for ratings but American Idol was walking a thin line between good and bad taste with that one. In terms of the singing, the judges seemed to feel it was way over the top and dramatic. Didi is another contestant who is having an identity crisis on this show. I don’t understand why these people are so fearful of continuing on the path where the judges respond positively. If “mixing it up” is getting you into trouble, stop doing it. Also, during his critique Simon passively made fun of Dancing With The Stars. Point, Simon.

Tim Urban, Sweet Love, Anita Baker. I’m starting to feel like a schoolyard bully with this kid. What more can I say? He’s still a terrible singer and he still hasn’t gotten a haircut. Until that changes, I’m only going to making myself redundant. I should mention that Simon hit Tim with one of the harshest pieces of criticism I think you can receive and that is to say he’s given up on him:

I’ll tell you why he’s laughing because I don’t think it makes any difference what we say. Completely inappropriate song, it’s like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant, you’re not going to win. But doesnt matter because you’re going to smile, the audience is going to vote for you, nobody cares, and you’ll be here next week so well done.

When the time comes that Simon doesn’t even care to try and help you improve, really, you should just take yourself out of the competition. Unfortunately, I fear Simon may be right and we will have to endure this mop head another week.

Andrew Garcia, Forever by Chris Brown. I could cry. I felt like Andrew was John Cusack standing outside my window with a boombox over his head playing my favorite song in order to win back my heart. And just like in Say Anything, it worked. It was perfect. The arrangement with his acoustic guitar and the strings–oh the strings–it was beautiful. Andrew needed that performance not just to win back America’s votes but to remind himself where his talent lies. And it’s not bouncing around, playing with a mic stand and we’re all ok with that. All of the judges were equally revived but then of course Simon had to throw in there that he thinks Andrew is boring and he doesn’t know anything about him. Um, he’s from Compton. That’s about as unboring as it gets.

Katie Stevens, Chain of Fools by Aretha Franklin. Blah blah blah she’s back to being dated. Blah blah blah it wasn’t that great. Blah blah blah the judges told her she should have picked a more contemporary song. Like Tim Urban, I can’t keep repeating myself; there’s going to be an uprising against Dear Tina if I do and then I’ll have to go back to just being Cath the babysitter. And she’s so dowdy. I would like to point out that it was during Katie’s judging that Kara pulled another “I TOTALLY DISAGREE” in response to something Simon said. Ugh, you’re wasting your breath, your opinion barely counts in the first place. As the two got into a minor spat, Ryan asked Katie who she’s going to listen to and her response was “Myself.” Um, good idea Katie. Why don’t you go hash that one out with Tim?

Lee Dewyze, Treat Her Like a Lady by the Cornelius Brothers. Well I was initially disappointed to discover that Lee would not be taking on Celine Dion’s “Treat Her Like a Lady” but then he manned up in that leather jacket of his and rivaled Andrew Garcia for best performance of the night (“Forever” is like a trump card for me, so Andrew technically won). After the performance, Lee was blindsided with, easily, the two best things you could ever hear from Simon Cowell. The first, “I’ve always believed in you.” What? Maybe I’ve just put Simon on an inappropriately high pedestal, but if he said that to me I’d hope to follow that moment with a brain injury so I relived it over and over again the rest of my life. I was an Acting major, you can’t be surprised when I get overdramatic. The second, “This was the night your life may have changed forever.” Personally, I would have experienced some combination of throwing up and convulsing at that moment but again, I play towards the dramatic side. I just rewatched the performance and it wasn’t necessarily out of this world amazing, but unlike the child who proceeded him, Lee performed with the ease and confidence of a seasoned professional. And if you can’t do that by this stage of the game, you’re not going to be able to pull it off in the real world when your career depends on it.

Crystal Bowersox, Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight. Thank God Crystal performed this song because I was initially struggling to find a title for this post. Crystal promised a big surprise for us last week and it turns out the surprise was…playing a piano. Eh, a bit of a let down. As soon as she stood up from the piano mid-performance, I was immediately worried for her. I’ve seen her bop along during the Wednesday night group numbers and let’s just say it’s not her strong suit. I thought it was a pretty regular performance but the judges still seemed encouraged. All I know is that I saw a shot of Jane Lynch in the audience and that made up for a lot of things. I liked when Simon reminded Crystal not to let this process change her because what she had been doing up until that point was working. Translation: get that guitar back in your hands and lose the high heels. Amen.

Aaron Kelly, Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers. First of all, why is Aaron the finale? I hated this. Second of all, why was he dressed like he was going to a photo shoot for the Lands’ End Kids catalog? Simon compared him to a cupcake. I compared him to a cast member from Barney. Sing well all you like Aaron, its not going to change the fact that you’re about as interesting as chicken broth.

Finally, enjoy. Go to 1:20 if you’d like to get straight to the performance.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: I’ll grow a beard, people from my old life will pass through town. They won’t even recognize me. They’ll just say, ‘Thanks, Pap!’ And then they’ll buy some of my cider.