I’m not afraid of you. You’re just a big bully, like Simon Cowell. That’s right! I just called you a communist.

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol they mixed things up by opening the show with what appeared to be a Ryan Seacrest floating head on the screen. It looked like something out of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I guess they were just filming his face at a zoom of about 1000 as it eventually went back to regular size Seacrest. Regular size Seacrest also known as miniature size adult. Either way it terrified me so let’s shut that down for the future. Before we get to the contestants I have two items I must address. The first, I am calling for a moratorium on the following phrase and word from the judges.

1. “I saw you were singing that song and I was like ‘what?! That’s weird!'” Ok I don’t know if the judges are bragging that they get to see the song list before we do or if they’re just easily surprised but I don’t need to hear how you felt before the performance. This show is already two hours long–don’t make it lengthier by letting us in on your pre-show fretting.
2. “Swagger.” Telling a contestant that they have swagger or used to have swagger or should have swagger is quickly becoming as helpful as telling a contestant that they were “pitchy” or that it was “all over the place.” Either say something constructive or turn it over to Simon.

The second item is Kara DioGuardi getting a little too comfortable in that judge’s chair. She’s beginning to act like her opinion is as valuable as Simon’s. Like when Simon offers a critique that goes against what Kara just said and Kara pipes in “I totally disagree.” Yes, my dear, we know. We just listened to you speak and we are capable of interpreting contrasting opinions. Also, the incessant flirting with Simon has got to go. Simon gives her an inch and she takes a mile. Watching her flirt with him is like watching the head cheerleader flirt with the captain of the football team when you know he’s slept with everyone on the squad. Cut it out.

On to the talent. And with regards to last night, I use that word loosely. Oh I should mention that the theme last night was Billboard #1 singles and the guest mentor was Miley Cyrus. I can’t wait for that girl’s articulation abilities to surpass a fourteen year old’s.

Lee Dewyze, The Letter by The Box Tops. As I’ve said before, there’s little to complain about when it comes to Lee. He’s easy on the eyes, has a nice voice to listen to, he even has that shy rocker quality about him that makes women feel the need to rescue him from his own vulnerability. That being said, I was a little surprised to hear the first three judges make such a fuss over his performance. I mean, it was fine. They should all be fine, they’re in the top 11 for pete’s sake. Simon came through, as he always does, and told Lee that his performance didn’t define him as a contemporary recording artist. If someone wanted The Letter performed at their wedding, Lee’s performance would be what you’re looking for because it would provide another way for you to utilize that horn section you paid extra for. But this competition is trying to carve a pop star out of a complete unknown and that process requires more creativity and originality than Lee has brought thus far.

Paige Miles, Against All Odds by Phil Collins. Yeesh. This was a performance that even someone who was tone deaf could sense had gone horribly wrong. I take notes while each contestant sings and here I opened my laptop to write “It’s terrible.” Followed by “Oh seriously, it’s terrible” twenty seconds later. Poor Randy was at a loss for words but resigned himself to putting it simply: “Really? Honestly? That was terrible. Really. Honestly.” Kara bemoaned that it appeared Paige had stopped trying and she was right. Before, after, during—Paige looked resolved to stink up the joint. That lack of want on top of being in the bottom two last week is likely to send Paige packing tonight.

Tim Urban, Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen. I have a history of not liking to dedicate too much time and energy toward Tim. We know why. If not, I can continue to remind everyone until he is gone that it was an atrocious decision on behalf of America to vote Tim through and leave Alex Lambert at home while his angelic voice falls on deaf ears. Back to Tim (I guess). As much as Kara was grating on my nerves, I loved that she reminded Tim that he is not a star, he has no real fan base, and therefore should not be moving in and out of the crowd, slapping girls’ hands as if he was someone to idolize. Simon called the performance “pointless” and I threw the remote control at the TV when I saw that he still has not gotten a haircut.

Aaron Kelly, I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. You know what this song reminds me of? Junior high school dances. When I was in seventh and eighth grade this was a slow dance song and the worst song to have someone you didn’t like ask you to dance because it was painstakingly long. For the sake of live TV, Aaron’s version was shortened, yet felt even longer. Aaron had come down with a case of laryngitis and tonsillitis so he was getting a lot of sympathy comments for that. All of the judges appear to be fans of his but I suspect only because they acknowledge he has a good voice, certainly not implying that he should actually win this thing. At the very end Ryan Seacrest referred to him as David Archuleta. Point, Seacrest. Also, please don’t throw around “best of the night” comments when we’re only on contestant four KARA.

Crystal Bowersox, Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. Killed it. This girl is as authentic as this show gets. She is a true artist who knows exactly what style fits her and how to impact an audience with her entire presence. Or as Randy put it, “That is what’s called being a star and being a dope singer.” Ahh just as Jane Austen would have described her. Crystal is clearly Simon’s favorite and I think he was relieved to be able to refer to her as the best performance of the night by the end of the episode. On the more critical side, I have to give Ellen credit for giving Crystal a note that was probably the smartest observation she has made since joining the judges table. Ellen reminded Crystal that she has a huge fan base and people are giving her a lot of love and she wants to be sure Crystal is showing her fans that she is appreciative of their support. I worry with Crystal that her quirkiness (like sitting down on that carpet while Ryan gave out her voting number) is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. But Crystal has Simon in her corner and that can usually take a contestant all the way to the finale.

Michael Lynche, When A Man Loves A Woman by Percy Sledge. Forget Dancing With The Stars, Michael Lynche is the new one man schmaltz fest 2010. Where Michael is now slipping up is the love affair he’s having with himself. Michael seems to want to take on a heartbreaker persona of some sort which is never going to work because his wife gave birth while he was on the show. Not interested. Kara called it loungey and Simon described it as asking for one scoop of ice cream and getting eleven. I reiterate, everyone left in this competition can sing. So the goal should now be to pick a song that the audience will appreciate hearing from you. Michael failed before he even began when he chose one of the most overplayed, can I say schmaltziest?, love songs of all time. No one appreciates that.

Andrew Garcia, I Heard It Through The Grapevine by Marvin Gaye. Ooo, I was dreading getting here. Last week I threatened to step off the Andrew Garcia aka Compton Danny Gokey aka Compton Harry Caray bandwagon if he didn’t pull out something great this week. Off I go. All I kept thinking about during his performance were the countless times we were taught in Acting class about the dangers of indicating. One of my professors once told the class that if you’re going to point at yourself every time you say “I” or “me” in a script, then go ahead and point or gesture in some way with every single pronoun. Sure enough the absurdity of such superfluous movement was made clear. That was exactly what Andrew was doing. Gesturing without reason because he had no idea what else to do with his body. He was awkward, spent a good portion of the song looking at the floor, and the song itself wasn’t in anyway challenging. I think Simon said it best when he said maybe they had overestimated the Straight Up performance from the start. I’m sorry but even if it was as fantastic as they all remember it to be, one good performance does not an artist make. It’s time to move on.

Katie Stevens, Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie. Now to prove to you that I’m not a 23 year old kermudgen, set in my ways with the inability to change my opinion about anything. I thought Katie Stevens was great last night. She finally found a song that made her seem youthful, she sang it well, and she didn’t look like a something out of a spring JC Penny catalog. Although I loved her new look, someone needs to tell girlfriend she still can’t pull of neon suspenders. Don’t think I didn’t see them. I was happy to see Katie’s many attempts to apply the judges’ critiques correctly finally pay off. All that being said, despite my willingness to applaud her success, I’m still not a fan. When she sings it sounds like her tongue is lodged in the back of her throat. I also don’t think she has enough personality to be a successful artist. Also, Kara must have done something annoying during this moment because in my notes I have “Kara needs to take a sedative.” Shock.

Casey James, Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News. I didn’t get to mention this last week because I don’t comment on the results shows, but Casey wore his hair in a ponytail during that episode and boy is that a look he pulls off. Unfortunately, his song choice last night wasn’t well known or catchy enough for anyone to get excited over it. I actually can’t believe that song was #1 at one point. Sorry if you’re a big Huey Lewis and the News fan Tina. He still sang it really well, and as Randy pointed out, he’s easily one of the best musicians they’ve ever had on the show, referring to his guitar skills. Kara felt he was ready to make an album after last night and Simon thought it wasn’t contemporary. So I figure as long as Casey picks a more current song, or at least arranges a more current interpretation, Simon might climb aboard the Casey James love train. And we need that because right now, he is one of about five contestants I don’t want to fast forward through.

Didi Benami, You’re No Good by Linda Ronstadt. I’ve always liked Didi but it’s probably not a good sign when, after remembering Siobhan, I couldn’t figure who was left to perform. Didi’s performance felt like an audition for a college student production of Chicago. After going through a rough round of judging, Didi defended her song choice and performance style by saying she wanted to show her versatility and “just wanted to have fun.” Everyone this season seems to be really concerned with having a lot of fun. I mean, please do, but also sing well while you’re doing that. This isn’t spring break and you’re not performing in a karaoke contest at Senor Frogs. Didi’s not going anywhere this week but for the future I would recommend she get a thicker skin. She looks like she’s going to break down and cry or scratch the judges’ eyes out every time they tell her they didn’t like her performance.

Siobhan Magnus, Superstition by Stevie Wonder. I didn’t really allow myself to like Siobhan until last week. Now, all of my leftover support for Andrew Garcia is going to her. This doesn’t make her my top choice (ahem, Crystal) but I do look forward to seeing what she has come up with, the way I used to eagerly anticipate Andrew’s performances. I will say she definitely needs to put the kibosh on that screeching high note at the end of all her performances for at least one week. Simon warned her that she was going to start annoying people if she makes that choice every single week. Siobhan confided that the last note is her favorite part of the song because it’s “so fun” and if she could sing the whole song like that, she would. My suggestion? Don’t.

By the end of the episode Simon looked exhausted from all of the mediocrity he just sat through. He warned the contestants, with the exception of Crystal, that they need to start pushing themselves. My official prediction is that Paige Miles will be going home tonight but really there are a handful to choose from. “Tonight was not a good night.” No it wasn’t Simon, no it wasn’t.

Finally, if you watched Gossip Girl on Monday night like you should have then you may have heard a song that caused your ears to perk up and ignore Blake Lively’s obscene cleavage for the first time all episode. If you didn’t watch, I suggest you give it a listen. It may not be Huey Lewis and the News but that’s good because it’s better.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: While you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle into my DVD player?
Jack: You did.  You watched it for about an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, and then turned it off.

The best way for a woman to get heat in this industry is to either record a country album or have a lesbian relationship.

Dear Tina,

Last night American Idol premiered the big stage with the top 12, the only contestants America will have a shot at remembering five years from now, and a Rolling Stones themed evening. Now I’m no classic rock connoisseur but I was always under the impression that the Rolling Stones were a rock band. You would never have known that last night when quite a few of the performances sounded country inspired. Maybe I’m still holding on to resentment over the elimination of Alex Lambert last week, but this group as a whole is a yawn fest. The only person who has the potential to show up wearing caged shoulder pads a la Adam Lambert is Siobhan Magnus. And I really hope she does.
The judges entered the big stage in a dramatic fashion, %75 of them looking as eager as a high school senior on her first day ready to rule the school, Simon looking like he was walking to his car after leaving the mall. Simon was also wearing a deep v-neck sweater with a white tank top underneath. I do the same thing when trying to be more reserved in terms of cleavage. I imagine Simon had similar intentions.

I’ve struggled with how to best and most fairly review a performance episode of this show. I feel now that we are in the top 12 and all of these contestants have a legitimate shot at becoming the next American Idol (except Tim Urban), it is my responsibility to acknowledge everyone. So without further ado…

Michael Lynch, Miss You. Coming off of a very strong week, Michael approached his performance with a cockiness I both resented and admired. It was well sung and his ability to make a Rolling Stones song sound like it had always been an R&B track was impressive. One mistake Michael made was forgetting to return the chain hanging from his pants to the seventh grader he borrowed it from. Simon remarked that his dancing was corny, which of course, it was. I felt similarly last week but the vocal made up for it. From now in, Michael may need to realize his strong suit is not dance. Or movement of any kind.

Didi Benami, Play With Fire. Didi was refreshing in that she finally chose to stray from the folksy, acoustic sound that has been her main stay since the beginning. Poor girl missed a cue, then missed a lyric, and it looked like it was going to be the first true disaster in American Idol history. It’s amazing to me that in nine seasons, no one has ever broken down and started sobbing during a live performance. Didi collected herself and turned out a great performance. I love her voice so even though I sense she’s not America’s favorite, I hope she sticks around for a while.

Casey James, It’s All Over Now. I tend to not like men that are prettier than me, but Casey won me over last night. He’s not the best but at least last night he reminded us that he is really talented in a very specific genre of music: country blues. And that I admire. Year after year we see contestants slip through the cracks for having a nice face to look at but hardly any musicality (ie Ace Young) but Casey is a legitimate musician with a great voice when he sings in his style. Also, it was during this time that Ellen made a sly reference to being a lesbian; Kara LOL’d big time and then referred to Ellen and Randy as “the guys” the rest of the night.

Lacey Brown, Ruby Tuesday. Lacey your time has come. The time is now.  You can go by foot. You can go by cow. Marvin K. Mooney Lacey Brown will you please go now. I just can’t stand the smiling/sitting at the edge of the stage combo. It is so excessively sweet it gives me cavities just watching. Ellen gave her first piece of useable criticism when she said Lacey was walking around during the slow parts and then sat down when the song finally started to pick up. It was true. I think Lacey’s biggest fan is Lacey; she is the archetype for what Simon means when he calls a performance “indulgent.” Also, Lacey’s parents remind of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.

Andrew Garcia, Gimme Shelter. I say this with a lot of regret, but Andrew Garcia aka Compton Harry Caray has one more week before I officially jump of the Garcia love train. He put down his acoustic guitar this week for fear his “Straight Up” performance would be referenced again (it of course still was) and then we saw what many have feared the past few weeks–he’s just not as good as we thought. I still love his voice but the thing about this show is that every season there are favorites and there are dark horses. If you’re lucky enough to be a favorite from the beginning but then your performances become inconsistent, the dark horse takes over. I’m still holding out hope Andrew, but it’s dwindling.

Katie Stevens, Wild Horses. Well Katie, the spunky 16 year old who keeps being told to keep it youthful decided to go for the same Rolling Stones song Susan Boyle covered on her debut album. The judges loved the choice. Fine. This is one instance I can’t get behind what Simon says. This girl is so irritating to me. She’s like Rachel from Glee except not funny and not as talented. So, the worst. And she had the audacity to come out wearing the same dress I wore to Easter dinner when I was seven. For the record, I prefer the Susan Boyle version.

Tim Urban, Under My Thumb. His haircut was modeled after Zack and Cody from Disney’s The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, yet he decided to sing his Rolling Stones song in the style of Reggae. Save it for Bob Marley week. I can’t believe we lost Alex Lambert for this.

Siobhan Magnus, Paint it Black. Siobhan received the unofficial award from Simon for performance of the night; this was even confirmed after the final performance by Crystal. I’ve given Siobhan a hard time in the past. Mainly because every time I read/type her name, in my head I think See-o-bahn so I resent her for confusing me. But See-o-bahn is definitely a performer to look forward to. Her rendition of “Paint it Black,” the first song I was really familiar with the Rolling Stones version, was dramatic and insanely difficult in terms of the vocal. My favorite part about Siobhan is that when she’s done singing, she just stands there and looks like one of the characters from Recess. She’s great. I can’t wait to see more.

Lee Dewyze, Beast of Burden. For me, Lee has the most commercial voice. I don’t mean that as a bad thing; his style is one that has had major success on the radio because it is masculine, effortlessly good, and sexy. He’s the type of guy a girl hopes to meet, start dating, and then be surprised when he sings her a Goo Goo Dolls song on his acoustic guitar shirtless. The judges felt it was safe and Simon told him the only thing holding him back is his personality. Ouch. But true. He needs to come out of his shell and challenge himself to do something no one would see coming. That could catapult him to the top. Also, maybe just sing a Goo Goo Dolls song shirtless?

Paige Miles, Honky Tonk Women. Why has no one addressed the fact that Paige is stunning? Someone needs to do that. I hope it’s Randy and I hope it’s awkward. Paige apparently had laryngitis, which I didn’t really need to hear about nor did America. Stuff like that tends not to affect us. I thought she was great but, to take a word from Simon, it was forgettable. At this stage in the game Paige hasn’t done enough to stand out and this is going to send her packing sooner than she may deserve to go home if this competition was based on talent alone.

Aaron Kelly, Angie. I’ve already spent enough time discussing how much I dislike 16 year olds in this competition. They should be in their junior year English class trying to figure out what all the colors mean in The Great Gatsby. In his video package, Aaron remarks about what a small town he grew up in is still growing up in, noting the single stoplight. Really Aaron? You seemed like such a city slicker to me. The judges liked his performance and though it was the perfect song choice for him. I guess because he made it sound like a Rascal Flatts single. I couldn’t careless. I think he is boring and self-conscious. In the teenager way, not in the hunky-Lee Dewyze-I used to work at a paint store-way.

Crystal Bowersox, You Can’t Always Get What You Want. Crystal was introduced and came out on that stage like she had already won. Like she was last season’s winner returning to grace her alma mater with a performance. It wasn’t her best performance but she’s working with a different set of standards than the majority of the group. It was still great but like Lee, Crystal needs to do something next week to remind America that she is a cut above the rest. If she leaves too soon I would consider turning off the rest of the season. I usually judge my favorites based on who’s singles I am most excited to purchase on iTunes and right now that’s Crystal. Girl, you go.

So that wraps it up. I know it was long but remember it will only get shorter as the weeks go by. Also, if you do start watching American Idol and would like to accompany your viewing with a drinking game, may I suggest taking a shot everytime Kara says “You know the kind of artist you are.” Ugh. Kara needs to come up with some fresh criticisms. She recycles the same five notes every week.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Frank: Nobody believes that a killer robot can get his ass kicked by one bear. It doesn’t make any sense.
Liz: You’re trying to bring logic to the robot bear sketch?!

Yes. This is the sweet spot. Oh, and no chit chat between songs this year. People don’t watch Letterman for Paul Schaffer.

Dear Tina,

I am all out of sorts. I’ve been postponing writing a post on American Idol until the 17 episodes they schedule in one week were through. Well, now we have the results, our top 12, the moment we’ve been waiting for, and we are up two 16 year olds, down two talented contestants: Alex Lambert and Lily Scott. I was all ready to crow about my new favorite Alex Lambert and off he goes tonight, never to be heard from again. Meanwhile I have to sit and listen to Aaron Kelly sing another country song he is completely out of touch with next week. Can you tell I’m bitter? I’m even typing bitterly. Like Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air. I hate that 16 year olds are even eligible for this competition. I want the age bumped up to 18. A tolerable 16 year old singer is as rare as a pregnant panda bear. This year we had Justin Bieber so we won’t be needing another one for another 10 years, when Justin Bieber’s voice will change. It was truly a heartbreaking scene tonight. But let’s rewind and take a look at some of this week’s most memorable performances.

First the ladies.

Worst Song Choice: That would have to go to Paige Miles who sang “Smile” by Nat King Cole Tony Bennett Michael Jackson Jermaine Jackson Charlie Chaplin. As the judges told her, this was her last chance at winning over the hearts of America in order to amass enough votes to put her in the top 12. And as we who have watched this show since season one know, if you don’t make it to the top 12, well it’s kind of like you were never on the show to begin with. Paige was good and boring. Like my recitals with the Musettes sophomore year of high school.

Best Song Choice: Crystal Bowersox sang “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman. I don’t know how this girl does it but she manages to find the perfect song for her voice and style yet popular enough to please the audience. I think it is coming as a surprise to most that someone who looks nothing like our idea of a pop idol, is participating in this mainstream, commercial contest. Not to mention the success she is having. Crystal is a clear favorite and has been for awhile. What’s nice about this favorite is that she has the goods to back it up. If she keeps making smart choices like the Tracy Chapman number, Crystal could potentially win the whole thing. And wouldn’t that be refreshing?

Worst Performance Overall: Can I get an oy? Katelyn Epperly. She sang “I Feel the Earth Move” by Carole King and accompanied herself with an electric piano that she may have found in the basement of a children’s museum. She looked like Ross on Friends when he brings his electric piano to the coffee shop to play his “music.” Or like Kelly Packard’s character on TNBC’s hit California Dreams. It couldn’t have been more awkward. I felt like I was at an audition for a high school talent show.

Best Performance Overall: Didi Benami. There you go. Recovering from last week when she was ripped to shreds and then was so upset she couldn’t even respond to Ryan who kept badgering her with inane questions like “It’s hard to talk right now…isn’t it?” Didi performed “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac, a song I had never heard before Tuesday night and I’m glad I hadn’t because it made me appreciate the quality of Didi’s voice even more. Her decision to stay on the acoustic track for her final performance before the top 12 was announced, despite last week’s criticisms, shows a great sense of awareness of what her strengths are. Didi isn’t someone that is going to shine with a showstopper. Her appeal comes from the sweetness of her voice and the way she travels through her range with such ease. We don’t need to see her take a swing at “And I Am Telling You” because that kind of music is irrelevant to the type of musician this woman is going to be. “Rhiannon” was a brilliant selection and she executed it with confidence and a sense of ownership of the lyrics. A video of the performance has been included below.

And now the men…

Worst Song Choice: It hurts me a little to say this but I have to say Andrew Garcia. Yes I know. Compton Danny Gokey. While we’re on the subject, in response to his glasses, I’m considering changing his nickname to Compton Harry Caray. Andrew Garcia selected “Genie in a Bottle” by Christina Aguilera. This poor guy is reminded every week that his acoustic rendition of “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul during Hollywood week was the best thing he could have ever done. So apparently he now has nowhere to go but down. Simon called last night’s performance “desperate” or a synonym that sounds equally acidic coming from a British accent. Andrew is clearly trying to chase the surprise delight of a pop song revamped acoustically but this is now the third week in a row he’s been told it’s not working. He did make it through to the top 12 so maybe it will help him to have fewer options than any single that has ever been on the Billboard charts when we move into theme weeks. My advice would be to try something completely different than he’s done since he entered the competition. Like, maybe lose the acoustic guitar (God forbid). My guess is that next week during the Rolling Stones themed episode, we’re going to hear an acoustic version of “Paint it Black.”

Best Song Choice: Alex Lambert. I still can’t believe he’s gone. Alex sang “Trouble” by Ray LaMontagne. Ok, sure, he could use more confidence especially if he has the intention of pursuing a popular music career. But this guy had–easily–the most unique sounding voice left in the competition. With that, he knew exactly what songs would showcase it in the most successful and pleasing way. A skill that many of his counterparts have yet to achieve. There is a sentiment to his tone, something very emotional, and all of his song choices, particularly “Trouble,” enhanced that.  When I watched his performance from Wednesday, I was already anticipating buying all of his Idol performances on iTunes for as long as he lasted; that’s how much I enjoyed his voice. It’s such a shame. I was even starting to like his mullet.

Worst Performance Overall: “Somebody to Love” by Queen performed by Todrick Hall. I agree with the judges that it was his best performance of the last three weeks. Not hard to do when your performance the first week was basically a scat rendition of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone.” I know this is a terribly biased opinion, but you’re dealing with a passionate Glee fan. If “Somebody to Love” isn’t going to be performed by Finn and Rachel with a killer high note at the end from Amber,  I don’t want to hear you even try. That goes for Queen as well.

Best Performance Overall: The best performance came from Michael Lynch who sang “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell. I refuse to call him Big Mike the way Ryan does because ever since seeing The Blind Side I imagine that no one really likes that kind of nickname. He challenged himself, he moved around the stage with confidence, and he pulled off a song that I’m sure no one would ever expect him to sing. He even made Kara cry (oh brother). People are still really drawn to the fact that he and his wife had a baby a few weeks or months ago so that added to the emotion of a performance dedicated to how hard…women…work. That may always help him, but the fact of the matter is Michael has been consistently good and last night he elevated himself onto a whole new level of competition. Suddenly the guy who my sister asked last week “is that the bodyguard?” has been singled out as the contestant to beat.

To close, I just want to say that Randy Jackson must have a lady friend or something around this season because I have never seen him so animated and enthusiastic. Maybe it’s just the robin’s egg blue watch that keeps his spirits up. Either way I welcome the adjustment, I just wish he would put the kibosh on booing every time Ryan introduces Simon during a live episode. Every. Single. Time.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Oh! No! Thanks. I don’t want anything to do with MILFIsland. That show is kind of the lowest common denominator.
Jack: The critics said the same thing about Shakespeare.
Liz: Yeah buy Shakespeare never had a Confessional Shower sponsored by Dove Pro-age.

This is unbelievable. Last week I was just a street performer making 50 bucks a day and getting memory loss from all the silver paint fumes.

Dear Tina,

If you were underwhelmed by the ladies’ performances on Tuesday night, then I hope you knew to crack open a Red Bull or take a hit of ecstasy because it only got worse. We’re going to get right to it for those that are still feeling fatigued from spending two hours trying to decipher if you were watching the top 24 or a rerun from auditions week. I know I am.

Todrick Hall kicked off the night with his own rendition of “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson. Whoever arranged this piece forgot the value in maintaining what made the original song a hit. Fine if you want to slow it down, change an instrument, have a man sing it, but make it entirely unrecognizable and you’re only going to hurt yourself (and my opinion of you). I like him because he has a background in theatre but if he experiences amnesia and next week does a rap version of a Kenny Chesney song, he may need to find the exit.

Aaron Kelly sang “Here Comes Goodbye” by Rascal Flatts. I just don’t have any patience for someone who comes into a competition of this magnitude looking like he gelled his hair and borrowed his older brother’s shirt for the junior high school dance. Also, the singing was bad. So lose-lose.

Jermaine Sellers was up next and sang “Get Here” by Oleta Adams. What? Why? I know that the theme of the week was Billboard hits so that leaves you with decades of options–what was your second choice? “Papa Loves Mambo” by Perry Como? Why would you pick a song 12 year olds have never heard of or would ever like to hear? You should know if you’re going to go on American Idol that they’re the ones voting for you. Also, the singing was bad. Third contestant to go and already a pattern is developing…

Then we had Tim Urban with “Apologize” by OneRepublic. This is where I would stare at you with wide eyes and slow blink for a minute to convey my feelings. But this is a blog and I only have my words. Just like Leo Tolstoy. He was called in after another guy had to leave the competition. Clearly the judges saw something in him that originally made them say “he’s not good enough for the next level.” And last night America got to see that something as well. I think he may have hit every note that he was incapable of hitting. I would also like to say that this is now the third season in a row someone has performed that song. Moratorium.

Joe Munoz came out and did Ryan the favor of making him look tall for the first time ever. He sang “You  and I Both” by Jason Mraz. I can see why Mr. Mraz’s music would be appealing to a lot of contestants because he has such a pleasant tone that he makes his songs sound easy to sing. I myself once had a dream that I sang “I’m Yours” in an arena sized venue and received a standing ovation. However, in this case Joe bopping and snapping along to it was not the right choice. Also, I don’t think Joe got a second of air time prior to this so he virtually has no fan base other than his mom.

Tyler Grady remembered to show up, much to my dismay, and sang “American Woman” by Lenny Kravitz. He’s still riding on the fact that Victoria Beckham told him he had a cool look when in fact he looks like an extra from the Forrest Gump Washington Monument scene. I think I went to the bathroom during his performance.

Lee Dewyze sang “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol and officially secured himself the role of the “alternative rocker.” When in fact he has about as much rock in him as David Cook did, which was minimal. I like him though. I can look beyond the phoniness of someone thinking they are maintaining or building a”rocker” image through American Idol. What I couldn’t look beyond was his infuriating message tee that I, nor any of the people I was with when I watched it, could not figure out what it said or meant. If anyone knows please tell me. Truly though, he is one of two men in the competition I like. Maybe one of three.

John Park got the audience grooving to “God Bless the Child” by Billie Holiday. And then I performed “Muskrat Ramble” by The McGuire Sisters. Seriously guys this isn’t just bad song choice anymore this is like I felt like sleeping in so I just let me mom pick for me. John Park was another one who was barely featured on the show before the top 24 and he thinks he will garner our attention with that? Maybe if you sang it brilliantly. Good thing you didn’t sing it brilliantly so we don’t have to consider these hypotheticals. It’s time to go home. See you back in Northbrook, hope I run into you at the mall.

Michael Lynche or “Big Mike,” as America collectively feels the need to call him, sang “This Love” by Maroon 5. And smiled from ear to ear the entire time. I’m glad you were having so much fun but this isn’t really about fun. It’s about me judging you and my verdict is–bring that grin in, and put the guitar down because you don’t appear to be using it. His version of “This Love” also felt really fast to me and I think the syncopated rhythm of that song is what makes it work. He’ll stick around for awhile because his wife gave birth while he was in Hollywood so people find that charming. People meaning not his wife who might appreciate a husband at home as she raises a newborn.

Alex Lambert (not Adam, wah!) went with “Wonderful World” by James Morrison. His voice sounded nice but he looked a like a dog who just got out of the bath: shivering and wanting despearately to be back in a warm cage. I think I am going to boycott Alex Lambert until he trims the mullet. It’s the loudest thing about him and even that is shades of beige.

Casey James brought the most annoying segment of the episode and it wasn’t even his fault! He sang “Heaven” by Bryan Adams (more enjoyably performed by DJ Sammy) and did a lot of schmoozing with the camera. Casey, you may remember, attracted the attention of sweet Kara during the auditions so that received a lot of play from the judges. Not only did they carry on about how Kara felt about Casey in Casey’s video intro but then every single judge had to make a comment about it when he was done. Even Simon. I was disappointed. I’m sure he’s going to make it to the top 12 but there’s something about him that is not working for me. It’s something about thinking his ticket to the top is his charisma but he doesn’t actually have any.  Shrug. We’ll see.

Finally after two long hours, we finally saw a glimmer of hope in the form of Andrew Garcia (Compton Danny Gokey). Andrew sang an acoustic version of “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boy. I was anticipating his performance all night long and so it was soul crushing to discover that none of the judges really liked it. Normally Simon can say anything and I’ll agree with it but that was not the case with Andrew. Simon threw out one of his favorite words “indulgent” which I thought was unfair because I didn’t see any difference between the way he sang that song and the way he sang “Straight Up,” the piece they all can’t stop crowing about. Despite the fact that Andrew looks like Harry Caray in those glasses, he is virtually our only hope when it comes to the men. So, please, be good to him judges. You’re going to give America the wrong idea and then we’ll be stuck with a couple of 16 year olds in the finale.

Whew. I just wrote that whole thing in one breath. A note about this post and the one from last night. As I have said before, I am trying to be conscious of length. I didn’t intend to write about all 12 girls last night, it just kind of developed that way. Having done that, I felt obligated to do the same for the men. Future formats will only revolve around stand out (good and bad) performances. For my sake and more importantly, yours.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: As a frequent leaver of drunken messages, I can tell you no good can come from this.
Cerie: As a frequent receiver of drunk messages, they are not cute, even when they’re from Liz.

I’m already not liking some of these people. It reminds me of being on the bus.

Dear Tina,

Last night American Idol kicked off what I thought was going to be a brief venture narrowing the top 24 contestants down to 12. Turns out, this process is going to take three weeks. Isn’t the more efficient option to have them perform once and Simon just pick the six men and six women who did the best job to compete in the top 12? Although I guess when you are raking in millions of dollars each week from advertisers, efficiency isn’t really your bag. This season in particular it might be good to have that time before we head into the big leagues. That way it will give Ellen more time to get comfortable with live TV and Kara more time to get that kink out of her neck. Or does she keep moving her neck back and forth like that to inject a little New Jersey attitude into everything she says? Hard to tell.

The first live episode is always crucial (if you take this show seriously like I do) as it allows you to judge for yourself if those selected by the judges deserve to be there. Or if, maybe, they should have instead selected the 28 year old with the voice of an angel who has a child with a disability and who was eliminated during Hollywood week in the season before last a week after her father was murdered you heartless heathens. So it’s fun. I have to say that first moment before the show starts when Ryan is walking down the human hallway with six contestants on either side of him and then says “THIS is AMERICAN IDOL,” if I were one of those girls I would get so overwhelmed with excitement I’d probably go cross eyed. I mean, really, could they have created a better “I’ve made it!” moment for you? After the opening credits the contestants were blessed with some solid advice from Randy: “You gotta be great or you gotta be mad at yourself. It’s up to you to wreck the stage with your vocals.” Oh Randy, sometimes I just want to pat your belly and ask you where you got your robin’s egg blue watch. Let’s take a look at our top 12 girls.

First up was Paige Miles. In the notes I took last night I have written “psigr miles” but that can’t be right. She sang “All Right Now” by Free and got some pretty great feedback including a “best female singer in the group” from Simon. All positive notes were followed by a lot of “wrong song” notes. My advice to all American Idol contestants, current and future, steer clear of any song featured on the Now and Then soundtrack.

Next was Ashley Rodriguez singing “Happy” by Leona Lewis. I liked her since her audition in Boston but boy did she take a wrong turn last night. She looked and sounded how I would sing that song if I was listening to it in the car at 4 in the morning while trying not to fall asleep at the wheel: screechy and absurdly animated. Judges concurred. Simon then dropped the “I think you’re going to be in trouble” bomb on her. I actually think he says this to contestants he wants to see go home because he is keenly aware of his ability to sway voters.

Janell Wheeler was third in line and sang “What About Love” by Heart. I didn’t write anything about her last night and then this morning when I wrote this I had to go on americanidol.com to figure out who the only contestant I left out was. So…I think that sums up my thoughts on Janell.

Lilly Scott came on after and sang “Fixing a Hole” by The Beatles. Her performance was great, original, she received more than one “that’s what I’m talking abouts” from Kara alone, and is sure to be safe in this first round of cuts. What I’m concerned about is what we learned in the short video we saw before she started singing, that last year when she was nineteen, Lily was living out of her car like a homeless person or Jewel. Then we see her parents sitting in the audience. Um, Mr. and Mrs. Scott, why was your daughter living in a van as a teenager? Clearly you don’t have some kind of tumultuous relationship. Can I hear your thoughts on this? Because I think if I was living in a van at 19…or 35…my parents might knock on my van door and ask if they might be of assistance. Just curious.

Katelyn Epperly. Oh man. That was a lotta look. Tim Gunn, can I get an Amen? If you were a costume designer for a Lifetime made for TV movie and you had to convey a nice, quiet girl succumbing to temptation and rebeling against her parents and drinking wine spritzers on a thursday night when she should be at volleyball practice this would be your checklist: high volume and kinked hair accessorized with a feathered barrette, magenta lipstick, enormous gold earrings, leather tube dress, lace tights, and black leather stiletto platforms. Welcome to Katelyn’s first impression on America. The judges seemed to like her singing fine; I on the other hand was too distracted by that lipstick that I was secretly hoping would somehow get smeared on Ryan’s forehead.

Haeley Vaughn sang “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles. Haeley is one of those girls who is so nice you don’t want anyone to say mean things to her because she’ll just smile politely while they do. But unfortunately in this case she really needed to hear what Simon had to say which was, “it was just for me a complete and utter mess.” I love the British. Hopefully next time her vocal coach will keep her performance in a more manageable range because if we have to have a 16 year old in the top 12, I would pick her. We don’t have to have a 16 year old in the top 12 by the way. Also, she looked like a 1950s nurse in her outfit.

Lacey Brown was a nonentity singing “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. She’ll probably go home tonight. She got a “beautiful eyes” comment from Simon and, really isn’t that all you need? She reminds me of Christina Hendricks from Mad Men so maybe if American Idol doesn’t pan out for her she could find someone with gray hair to be her musical John Slattery and they could become a singing duo? Maybe Lilly Scott?

Michelle Delamor sang “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys. Yes, and so did that girl in season 2 for her audition. Moratorium on all Alicia Keys songs on Idol please. Also, girl is a diva by her own accord so my interest in her went out the door the first time she made enormous hand motions to cue the band when to rest as you might expect from Whitney or Aretha. Or a Maestro.

Didi Benami sang “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson which was perfectly suited for her voice but then of course the judges came at her with how boring they thought it was. Sometimes this show is a lose-lose situation. You pick the wrong song or the wrong artist and you get ripped to shreds; then you pick a song in your range and style and you’re told to take more risks. It was a little boring and picking a song that was only on the Billboard charts because it was a big hit on Adult Contemporary radio stations is not the best move but we can’t all sing “Mad World” and get standing ovations. I miss Adam Lambert already.

Siobhan Magnus sang “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak and for me it was ok except for the beginning when she sounded like Amanda Bynes pretending to be a man in She’s The Man–that was not ok. I guess it got better, the judges seemed to not hate it, but where she really lost us was when she started talking after the performance. Simon asked her why she chose that song and she went into a explanation with less pizazz than a video tutorial on how to install dry wall. Simon made a sassy comment about her personality and I shed a tear at the thought of him leaving us.

Crystal Bowersox and her one man band sang “Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Morrisette. She may be my favorite but I have to agree with the judges when they said it was good but she could do better, something more interesting and less predictable. She made a quick rebuttal about not being allowed to sing original music and I’m glad that didn’t get too much play because there is nothing more annoying than listening to original music on this show. Original idea, sure, you testing your songwriting abilities on America, save it for youtube. Crystal seemed to like Simon’s idea of doing something by David Bowie. I hope she picks “Magic Dance” from Labyrinth.

Katie Stevens closed the night with “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse. Why does Michael Buble continue to get credit for that song? David Foster must be giving someone money under the table. I hate to bring him up again but I will for the sake of sweet Katie. Remember last season when Adam Lambert sang that song? And they provided him with a set that rivals the Academy Awards? And he wore a white suit? And he sang the business out of it? Yeah, the song kind of needs that. You on the other hand were dressed for an eighth grade Valentine’s Day dance. You sang with the dimpled sweetness I would expect from most 16 year olds which is only appropriate when singing songs like “Knock Three TImes” by Tony and the Dawns, and again we’re saying no to the Now and Then soundtrack.

So there you have it. Just for putting up with all that, I offer the best exchange of the entire night. I laughed so hard I went back and watched it again. Simon is explaining to Ryan that in picking the right song you should want it to be as memorable as your first kiss.

Simon: Come out here, do something and prove to everyone watching this show I am different, unique, and I’m a star. Rather than indulging yourself and that’s the problem.
Ryan: I didn’t think of any of that during my first kiss.
Simon: That probably went both ways.

That. Man.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Devon Banks: You know what they say about rumors Jack? They make a “ru” out of “mor” and “s. ”

I didn’t know you sang. It’s funny because it’s kind of my thing. Next thing I know you’re going to be telling me you’re really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.

Dear Tina,

Last night Ryan Seacrest sported a “casual Friday” look to guide us through a two hour long look at how the American Idol judges whittled the contestants down from 71 to 24. Did I mention that part of this process simply involved them walking into three rooms where the contestants had been divided and announcing to that room if they had made it or not? And that they allowed this process to take a total of an hour and a half? Therefore they only had time to reveal 7 of the contestants making it to the top 24. Sometimes I think this show is testing me. Trying to push my limits and see how many times Ryan Seacrest can say “here’s how it’s going to work” before I give up on all of them and spend the rest of the spring trying to figure out what’s happening on Lost.

Four minutes passed last night before anyone even sang (this is not an exaggeration, I checked the ticker). Which means that the first four minutes were basically just a voice over that consisted of twenty different sentences indicating Hollywood week was over. “The last song has been sung. The sun is setting in Hollywood. The judges have had their say. I am all out of skinny ties. The stage is now empty.” You know, nonsense like that. The producers or directors or editors–really all of the above, decided to put this episode together from end to beginning and occasionally peppering this layout with actual singing. It was kind of like the first season of Damages except the ending didn’t provide the answer to a complex murder but rather announced results we saw coming 14 minutes into the episode (room 2 would be going home). Speaking of the editing, we need to discuss the use of the echo effect in their post-edit. At first I thought my DVR was skipping–like a record player?–but then I realized when they used this technique on one critique from every judge, that it was a conscious choice on their part. I’m talking “that just wasn’t good enough enough nough ough.” What was your other idea? Star wipe? The echo effect should only be used in memory sequences from Saved by the Bell that are clearly marked by the hot pink outline. I mean, I know that American Idol has a hold on advertisers and Americans alike and can pretty much get away with anything and still maintain more viewers on one night than Ugly Betty has had all season combined. But a little more sophistication for the most successful show on television would be appreciated.

Let’s skip along to the heart of the matter. Why have the judges switched from Coca Cola cups to Vitaminwater Zero cups?? No I jest, the singing! (The answer by the way is Coca Cola owns Vitaminwater. The red cups will return when American Idol goes live. Don’t fret.) The final 71 were given a song book of who knows how many songs to choose from, because about 73% of them picked “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz, and were given one last shot to impress the judges. Or as Ryan announced it: “ONE. LAST. SHOT.”

Siobhan Magnus was one of the first to go. We were reminded, because no one remembers her, that when Siobhan first performed in Hollywood, Ellen told her to loosen up and make her look more youthful. Siobhan took this note and ran with it in every crazy direction possible. She stood before us in some kind of multi-colored, multi-layered negligee with a sleeveless jean jacket over it. Yikes. Youthful generally means young and current, not young like you were young in the 1980s so dress like Cyndi Lauper.

Crystal Bowersox, an early favorite of mine, sang a slightly stripped version of Sherly Crow’s “If it Makes You Happy” and accompanied herself with a harmonica and acoustic guitar. Randy comments to Kara that “that’s a real Indie girl right there” which is the first music vocab word Randy has used maybe all season. I don’t count “pitchy” because even Randy doesn’t know what he means by that anymore.

I have mentioned before how much American Idol loves a nice montage. Last night they mixed things up and delivered a montage I had never seen before: the mom who is more excited than her child. Thaddeus Johnson has had a particularly long road up until this point because he accidentally invited his mother who has been screaming in his ear, and mine, since his first audition. Actually, Thaddeus sang Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” last night and the only highlight was watching his mother sing and dance along. And as we have no room for overenthusiastic moms in the top 12, I will not be sad when he is inevitably eliminated before we get to that point.

To round things out, Compton Danny Gokey aka Andrew Garcia was amazing singing “Chasing Pavements” by Adele. Why they only gave us a sound bite of this I’ll never know. I guess they felt compelled to edit in a lot of Mary Powers (the one you can’t stand and sounds like Pink) talking ever so confidently in the soon-to-be axed room 2, that they skimped on the actual talent.  Todrick Hall, our resident Broadway performer, was the only one who managed to come up with a fresh interpretation of “I’m Yours” (I’m being generous under the circumstances of overusage) and it didn’t even involve an acoustic instrument! Todrick was one of the seven who found out he made it to the top 24 last night, bless his heart. And Lily Scott, who has a great voice, but I cannot throw my support behind because she has silver hair and we all know what happened last time we got excited about someone with silver hair. Taylor Hicks. Now starring as not the lead in the touring production of Grease. Check your local Marriott for dates in your area.

I would also like to add that, while I have harped on Ryan plenty today, I don’t think I’m done. When the judges finally made up their minds about the fates of the three rooms, Ryan pipes in narrates “The first room to be relieved of their anxiety is…………………….ROOM 1!” Why the dramatic pause Ryan? Was there any reason why we should believe that this was not going to go in numerical order? Isn’t that the whole logic behind designating numbers and not just labeling them this room, that room, and the other room? “Which room will be next? It’s…………….ROOM 2!” Yeah, I got it. What’s next? Back to one? Oh, Room 3? Strange. And in terms of the “Here’s how this will work” bits, I am now under the impression that in Ryan’s contract there is a quota for how often you must hear his voice or see his face.  As his role is almost entirely useless, they make up for it by having him talk about how each contestant will enter the Kodak Theatre. Walk down the stairs. Sit in that chair. Then, walk back up those stairs. Out the exit door. Just so he is assured his multi-million dollar contract is worth it. You know how when you’re teaching someone how to play a new game and you realize your talking isn’t helping so you finally say “let’s just learn as we go.” I wish Ryan would just let me learn as I go.

Oh and just so you are sure to look for it, Kara wore her prom dress to the final 24 announcement that continues tonight. I did the math; she was a senior in high school from 1987-1988 so all signs point to yes.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: The days of your wild coke parties are over.
Liz: Well, if by coke, you mean sodas…
Jack: I do.

You can’t be gay for one person. Unless you are a lady and you meet Ellen.

Dear Tina,

Tonight was a big night for network television. Joining the American Idol team for the first time was music mogul talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. It was also the first night of Hollywood week, which I love, so it was a good thing I got off work five hours early due to weather conditions so I could ease into my excitement. It also gave me some time to set up my printer and condense the 50 post-its my dad had on the wall of our office into one spreadsheet. The space looks a lot less Beautiful Mind now. So you can see I’ve been quite busy. Tonight’s episode proved to be as delightful as I had hoped and, surprisingly!, because of the singing. Time to discuss.

We begin with a montage. If you don’t watch the show, you should know that American Idol requires a minimum of 7 montages per episode. First a montage of Ellen coming to Idol, then contestants arriving in Hollywood, contestants leaving Hollywood crying, contestants playing instruments badly, a montage of funny commentary from Ellen, memorable contestants being sent home. The list goes on and on. The one classic they missed was the montage of contestants forgetting their lyrics. Mark my words, it’s coming.

Ryan, timid mouse that he is, was continuously filmed on the balcony overlooking the stage whispering to the audience at home what all was going down. What was the reasoning behind that? No one ever actually appeared to be performing while he was doing this. Was it to make the circumstances seem more tense? Did the director momentarily mistake this program for a National Geographic feature filming wild animals in their natural habitat? The tactic was the same, the necessity a bit over thought. They also let Ryan play pretend stage manager for one segment but he declined to wear the headset I assume for fear of looking like one of the employees receiving an hourly wage. All he did was tell one group of singers they were up and to head out to the stage. I bet there were multiple takes on that one.

Adding a new personality to a show like American Idol, there is always some risk involved. Even when the person has proved herself to be extremely popular and current. To ensure that their viewers are just as excited about Ellen’s arrival as they are, the producers were really hitting us over the head with how HILARIOUS she is. And Ellen is funny. But instead of just letting her be funny and letting us enjoy her humor, they had to edit each moment to be followed by shots of the audience laughing uproariously. It was so over the top it almost felt staged. It sounded like the type of laughter you would get if you asked a classroom filled with 3rd graders to laugh as loud as they can and the noise sounds more like screaming than laughing. The reality TV version of a laugh track, if you will. Ellen is an incredibly intelligent woman so I do look forward to seeing how she fares the rest of the season. Particularly the live episodes when judging becomes much more critical. My advice to the producers is to trust that their home audience will find Ellen quite funny, we don’t need assistance to enjoy her.

Before I get to my favorite performances, I just need to get this off my chest. What was Kara wearing? Was it a turtleneck? Was it a scarf? Was it all of the above plus a few random cutouts? I don’t know but I do know that she paired it with a black leather jacket. She looked like Tori from Saved by the Bell. And please PLEASE Kara stop singing along. We know you know the words. We know them too because the only songs anyone ever sings on American Idol are “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” and “For Once in My Life.” So stop that.

Compton Danny Gokey aka Andrew Garcia stole the show with an acoustic rendition of Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.” The judges took this as an opportunity to talk about Paula as if she were dead. Which she is, in their hearts. “Paula would have loved that! If she were she would be clapping like [gesture indicating speculated pill dependency].” Although I continue to refer to him as the Compton Danny Gokey, Andrew is enormously more interesting because he has that quality that all joe regulars need to become famous. An appealing quality that you can’t define or articulate–you just like him. Like Dr. Drew or Meredith Vieira. Danny didn’t have it. You liked him because he sang well but it didn’t make you want to buy his album because that would mean committing to him as a person. Andrew Garcia I predict is going to go very far in this competition. I hope his next song choice is an acoustic version of Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On.” He’d kill it.

Our resident naive country girl (a position previously held by Carrie Underwood who, when asked if she had seen any stars since arriving in Hollywood responded “no, it’s been pretty cloudy”) Vanessa Wolfe was sent back to Vonore, Tennessee after the first round. During her montage they played “New Slang” by The Shins. Isn’t that a little too hipster for her story? Save The Shins for the contestant who thinks a fedora and black skinny jeans is an original look. I really don’t want to use the word hick because I don’t mean to be hurtful so I’m just going to let you interpret the following ellipsis how ever you like. I mean the girl calls her mom “mama”…

The final two performances of the night were both incredible and featured contestants I hope meet Andrew Garcia in the top 12. The first was Didi Benami who was immediately forgiven for singing a Kara DioGuardi song because of how well she sang it. Normally I hate it when the judges give generic feedback like “I could see you making a record.” I always think, really? Because the pop music genre is so small and defined I’m surprised you can find a place for this young, attractive person. But that is exactly what I thought with Didi. She has a voice and a tone (high five Kara!) that is beautiful to listen to. I would ask that she not wear hot pink tights in the next round. Because she’s not a 14 year old attempting to follow trends from two years ago. The second performance was given by Crystal Bowersox, a single mom with a dream. If she wins, her Lifetime made for TV movie can be the sequel to Fantasia’s. Unimportant observation I would like to share: in the picture of her baby boy I realized that he is a dead ringer for Mikey from Look Who’s Talking. Get on Facebook kid you’re only a couple of days late for Doppleganger week! Crystal sang “Natural Woman” which is actually one of my favorite performances from season 1 performed by Kelly Clarkson. So girl you are in good company. I imagine Crystal making it to the top 12. What I am most curious about with this one is what the Hollywood machine will do to her. No one loves a pop-star-ready makeover more than American Idol.

Tomorrow night Hollywood week continues with the dreaded group performances. You can’t find more crying on television than during this episode. This should appall us. But it doesn’t, so we watch.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: You’re having your reunion this weekend?  I wish I had a Princeton reunion right about now.  Wipe that smug smile off Michelle Obama’s face.

I don’t vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord’s name.

Dear Tina,

It was a whirlwind day in Illinois. By that I mean, on both the democratic and republican side we have not determined a gubernatorial candidate for the November election. This fact topped the news all day long. This just in: it’s still a tie. It’s bad enough that we have local news from 4:30 am until 6 am, and then at 11, and then at 4 pm, and 4:30, and 5, then again at 6, and in case your day still feels empty and uninformed, let us cap it off with a dash of local news at 10. All the while, “we have new reports that it is still too close to call.” I understand the need to let people know the status of election results but when said results literally haven’t changed, can we please adjust the time we devote to this subject down to 45 seconds? Just when you thought a primary election couldn’t be more tedious…we have a dead heat between bland and dull. I also love Chicagoans who respond to this with “Heh heh, that’s Illinois government for you.” Last I checked, the election was close because there were, literally, an almost equal number of votes for each candidate. I don’t think anyone is suspecting foul play here. But let us grasp on to that stereotype blindly and always assume that a politician working in Illinois is a crook. I’m sorry but U.S. House Democratic nominee Dan Seals has too nice a smile to have something up his sleeve. Also, did you know that there are two famous Dan Seals? I use the word famous loosely with both personalities. Below are their pictures. Try and guess which one is the politician.

You’re right. It’s the one in the cowboy hat. This may have been a tangent from television but hopefully you understand my real gripe is with repetitive news coverage. I don’t have time to listen to all of this election hoo-hah when what I really need is for these news programs to spend the first 10 minutes talking about how cold it was today. In February. In Chicago. I also didn’t feel like coming up with clever new ways to talk about American Idol guest judge Victoria Beckham an how her body frame makes mannequins look pudgy. I watched last night’s episode tonight and Vicki’s role as guest judge was to compliment the auditioner on literally anything except singing. I must be having a vulnerable night or something because normally I would have been hating this and writing up complaints like a crazy woman. But all I kept thinking about was how much it would mean to me if Victoria Beckham told me I had beautiful skin as she did for so many others. Alright I’m off to bed. I have to be well rested because tomorrow evening I am going to the city to see a show. It’ll be just like when Daddy Warbucks takes Annie out on the town for the very first time and she’s wearing her new threads. Except in this case I am Daddy Warbucks because my sister has not yet reimbursed me for the tickets.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: I can’t read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent. I think I voted for Nader! NADER!

You are making this guy’s dreams come true. At your age, it’ll probably be the last time you ever make a man happy.

Dear Tina,

I thought I would start tonight with a tidbit from work today. As you know, because I bring it up all the time, I currently work as a babysitter. Someone once told me that when you have a college degree it’s called nannying but my employers refer to me as their babysitter so I think it’s more pathetic to elevate my status only in my head. So the kindergartner arrives home after having lunch with his mom and as she is emptying out his backpack she discovers the book he checked out from the library. Now when you think of a five year old developing an interest in reading, when left to his own devices, what kind of books would you imagine him getting? Maybe a book on trucks. Maybe something involving Star Wars or lightsabers. Maybe even a book that has the word underpants on it. All good guesses. In this instance, of all the books he had to select from he went for the one about bar graphs. Possibly a dry read but if he is eager to improve his math skills I’m all for it. Today while we counted candy hearts for his 100 days of school project I asked him “what is 59+4?” and his answer was 54. A thoughtful answer as it consists of two of the words I said. Try again though.

Tonight American Idol held auditions in Los Angeles, a town filled with dreamers and waiters. The episode opened with footage of Ryan at his radio gig. Apparently he is the hardest working man in Hollywood because as he was doing his radio show he was simultaneously filming the introduction for tonight’s episode, allotting the usual three minutes to spit out “THIS………………is………(quick bathroom break)…………………………………..AMERICAN IDOL.” How annoying for his listeners, which for an afternoon show I imagine consists of a lot of stay-at-home moms and Bruce Jenner.

The guest judge for the first half hour of the program was Avril Lavigne. So that was exciting for all of the 13 year olds in 2002. She came in looking normal and then she put on the hood from her sweatshirt and it had fabric horns on it. The woman is 25. At this rate, by the time she turns 40 she’ll finally be ready to apologize to her mom for wearing so much eyeliner during her rebellious phase. I wish Simon would have said something. Or at least just ripped off one of her bracelets and told her that according to seventh graders this means they get to go to third base.

For the most part the performances tonight were pretty forgettable. There was a young man by the name of Neil Goldstein who had an IQ of 168. So naturally he assumed a career in singing. Being the smart guy that he is, I wonder if he could explain why his hair kept changing lengths during the segment prior to his audition. Honestly it was the strangest thing I have ever seen. He is wearing the same outfit the entire time, implying that all their footage of Neil was shot on one day, yet one moment his hair falls right at his chin, the next it is a few inches past his shoulders, and then it’s back to short! Stop with the mind games Seacrest! And in case you were doubting his IQ he tells the producers that, for him, performing is “to exult in what it is to be human.” I’m sorry did I say he had a really high IQ, I meant he was just really high. Shortly before going in to see the judges, Ryan asked Neil what the title of his first album would be should he win. His response was “Hope.” Yes. So much more succinct than “Reach For the Stars.” Neil was declined an invitation to Hollywood.

Soon after that we had married father of three Pastor Jim Ranger from Bakersfield, California. Jim auditioned with an original song called “Drive.” An original song is always a terrible choice. Why not sing a hit song so that you are sure someone other than your wife has enjoyed the melody? This of course annoyed the judges as it should have. “Drive” was only marginally better than the original song my sister wrote when she was four called “Beary Bears.” The judges seemed impressed by his singing abilities but that original song really stuck in their craw so they took some time to badger him. Avril, dispelling rumors that Canadians are illiterate, read aloud Jim’s family history and lectured him about how life as a pop star means being on the road for a good portion of the year. And what is life on the road like for a faux punk rocker Ms. Lavinge? Screechy I’ll bet. Jim still managed to snag a ticket to Hollywood as Simon voted yes and Kara never says no to someone Simon likes unless the contestant in question is wearing a bikini.

For the second half of the show, we were joined by Zooey Deschanel Katy Perry. Katy was an early delight when she commented on the ridiculousness of the three judges being flown in for the auditions via helicopter. She backtracked later when she pronounced the word frisked, “frissed.” Only to eventually win the award for my favorite guest judge so far for giving Kara such a hard time throughout her experience. Highlights from the “Katy being mean to Kara montage” included Katy reminding Kara not to “ever put someone through because you feel bad,” mocking Kara’s lack of cleverness when Kara asked if she was hot or cold, and when Kara, for reasons that are still unclear, was singing “I kissed a dolphin and I liked it…” Katy interrupted her saying, “Please stop. I’m going to have to throw my coke in your face.” AND THEN SHE DID. No she didn’t. But she will in my dreams tonight!

My favorite audition from the episode went to the Compton version of Danny Gokey. You may remember Danny Gokey from last season who made it cool for pop stars to wear glasses. Except he lost and we never heard from him again so maybe he didn’t. Andrew Garcia, the son of gang members, had a heart felt story to tell and glasses to wear while telling it. He sang Sunday Morning by Maroon 5, slightly overdone but better than coming in with a rocker persona and singing Bon Jovi. He has a son so if he does make it to the top 10 he can use that to his advantage by having the directors cut to the kid crying every time Simon says something critical.

Next week is either the last week of auditions or we’re only 15% through them, I’m not sure. Either way Neil Patrick Harris is guest judging so that is going to be bi-larious!

Ok hire me Tina before I spend the rest of the week learning about bar graphs.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Wow, this is an honor. I’m friends with number four on Maxims list of the sexiest woman in comedy.
Jenna: At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me, but then I saw the Dukes of Hazzard, funny!

I had never been to an audition before. It was upsetting, grotesque carnival of human misery.

Dear Tina,

It was a long day at the office. I mean, I don’t have an office. I work in a private residence but I did spend some time on my laptop in the playroom while the baby napped. Can I just say that I feel like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back when I work on sending my resume out for networking opportunities while sitting on a magenta beanbag chair? Speaking of Paula Abdul, American Idol premiered last night. She of course wasn’t on it but lets hope we remember her first and foremost for her role on that show and not so much for this:

I’m pretty sentimental when it comes to pop culture so I missed her. I’ve been watching the show since Kelly Clarkson beat Sideshow Bob on the first season. I know a lot of people didn’t like her for the same reasons people don’t like getting phone calls from me after 2 am…we are, how do you say, inarticulate? Regardless, I think Paula was a hoot. If you tuned in for the premiere last night you noticed that in Paula’s chair for the Boston auditions was one of the Fembots from Austin Powers. Or was it…no, that’s right it was Victoria Beckham. But really who would have been surprised if sparks started coming out of her head from having to engage so many simpletons? At one point my mom said “Well what does she know about singing?!” To which I all too eagerly replied “She was a Spice Girl!” As if that was an indisputable answer to her question. Also, quick shout out to my computer for teaching me that undisputable is not a word.

Moving along, I was working on another entry last night while watching the show so I took brief notes as I was inspired. Looking over them today I realized that they summed up fairly nicely my biggest gripes with the audition segment of this program.  They are as follows, in countdown form:

5. Ryan Seacrest’s outfits. Thankfully we’ve moved light years away from the message tees he sported all too frequently during the show’s toddler years. However, if a man came to my front door in the outfit Ryan had on last night I would say “come back tomorrow, I don’t think I have enough singles in my wallet to make this worth your time.” He looked like a man-o-gram. Character: cowboy who left his hat at home. Really Ryan you looked like the lead character from a porno film spoofing Walk the Line.

4. When auditioners say “All I’m asking for is a chance” after the judges tell them no. I’m sorry, the audition was your chance. We just fulfilled your request and you blew it. Hard. Also, there is a major audition process before any contestant makes it in front of Simon, et al. Why don’t any of these people have one good friend in their lives who tell them “I think you’re one of the joke ones.”

3. The background stories. Trust me when I say that I am not some passive, snarky American Idol viewer. I really do enjoy it despite my passive, snarky attitude in this post. I even vote. I probably voted for Adam Lambert upwards of 50 times and that was just the night of the finale. So as their target audience, I don’t feel the need to hear about your life before you sing. If you can sing really well I’m going to love you whether or not you had cancer (sorry!) or you’re really good friends with your grandma (sorry again!). The exception to this rule was the Italian American because I love watching video footage of people eating pasta and drinking red wine.

2. Auditioners who swear at the camera as they exit the building. How about some manners people? I still don’t even say “sucks” in front of my parents. You are cursing out America (America!) when you scream at that camera man. And again, people, what did you expect? You really thought your singing abilities were on par with Taylor Hicks Carrie Underwood? Because it’s always the worst ones that swear the most. I think I need to teach a class on self-awareness. I for one know that if I want to sound somewhat decent when I sing that I should sing along with the male vocals of my favorite musical numbers. I’m more comfortable in the husky range.

1. Kara Dioguardi. Ok buckle up Tina because these next few months are going to be a long journey as I claw through all the reasons Kara is a terrible fit for this show. I’ll try and minimize my ranting to one or two times a month. Not making any promises though. First of all, she was mouthing along to one of the auditioner’s songs. We get it Kara. You’re in the biz. They keep telling us you wrote songs for Pink as if someone is going to come out and actually acknowledge that they like Pink. Just let these people have a moment that doesn’t involve you. I would prefer several, they would be grateful for one. Then, when she declared her displeasure for the contestant who looked like the lost member from The Shins, I thought well that’s fine because that kid was being uncomfortably prickish. But she had to go ahead and ruin it with “you need a spanking!” Didn’t we get our fill of you trying to be a sexy minx with the bikini stunt last season? The woman is so self-conscious it makes me uncomfortable and she has yet to carve out a role for herself on this show. Stop trying to make sexy happen, it’s not going to happen.

So there you have it. Week one of auditions is over. That leaves approximately 100 more weeks of auditions and even more opportunities for Kara to highlight all the undiscovered talent this country she has.

Audition honorable mention goes to the young gentleman in Boston (who in the story of my life would play my high school best friend) for repeatedly calling Simon “sassy.” Watch below. SASSY.

Patrick Ford – Memorable auditions.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: Look how Greenzo’s testing. They love him in every demographic; Colored people, broads, commies, fairies, gosh we got to update these forms.