Now boys, there are only 2 MILFs left. Debra, and Deborah. But one is going home. And we will find out. After 3 more breaks!

Dear Tina,

I successfully prepared dinner for my weekly gathering in the city. I spent a good portion of my afternoon getting the meal in order and after I was done, I took some time to reflect and decided that had the menu been in the hands of one Rachel Ray, she probably could have finished it in 30 minutes. But at least I can say I honed my chopping skills a bit more through the experience.

When it came time to eat, we realized that all of the usual entertainment around which we gather was no longer on the air. Luckily we remembered that tonight was the season premiere of Top Chef. Now I’ve been a big fan of the show since season 2 when they fired the original host who had the on-camera presence of a blank green screen and replaced her with Padma who has the ability to make contestants feel really bad about themselves while smiling. A quality you can’t help but admire.

As someone who considers a well-prepared meal one where I perfectly toast my sandwich bread, I find it fascinating to see the creativity involved with cooking when you know what you’re doing. If, for example, someone told me to create a “yogurt foam,” I would stick a straw into a container of Dannon Light ‘n Fit and blow bubbles. But these people can foam just about anything and when they do it, it looks delicious. Just the sheer speed at which they think and move with so much consideration put into pairing the right flavors and textures, it has given me secondhand appreciation for the culinary arts.

The current season, season seven, takes place in Washington D.C. and if you weren’t already hooked in, I’m sure the promise of a Nancy Pelosi guest appearance during a Quick Fire Challenge will nab you. I was in and out of listening tonight so I missed some of the contestants’ biographies, but I can tell you that this competition has progressed to professional levels unheard of on most reality competition shows. Last season one of the contestants was the Chef de Cuisine at an Eric Ripert restaurant (I wouldn’t have even understood what that sentence meant until this show). This season one of the contestants is an assistant professor at the Culinary Institute of America where many of the chefs trained and only three out of the seventeen contestants are not the actual owners or executive chefs of restaurant where they work. This is no paint store employee with dreams of making it big kind of situation. It appears the more seasons they produce, the smaller the gap between Top Chef and Top Chef Masters is going to get.

On tonight’s episode, contestant John Somerville committed a cardinal sin when he used store bought dough instead of making it himself. Not a good move especially when the challenge is to create a dish that describes you and where you’re from. For this rookie mistake, John was sent home. The first challenge—that has to be brutal. This guy has been nominated for a James Beard award twice and is the chef de cuisine at fancy pants Michigan restaurant The Lark. You would think this means that the show lost a superior talent but again, the standards this season are high and every single contestant has the resume to backup their right to be on the show. Tough break John.

By the time we finished watching the recording of this episode, we were able to tune in for the last ten minutes or so of Bravo’s latest reality adventure, Work of Art. Which Bravo desperately wants you to know is executive produced by Sarah Jessica Parker. I’m sure she lost a bet to Andy Cohen or something. I don’t know how else you explain the association. In any case, my ears perked up when I sensed that we were about to hear the dismissal line for the show. It’s hard to top Heidi Klum’s “Yoh owt. Auf Wiedersehen,” but I love to see these shows try. I’m not sure how many ideas were thrown around at the production meeting but I can tell you that the producers landed on, “Your work of art is not working for us.” … … What is that? That’s what you say to your friend when she’s trying on a romper one size too small, “It’s not working for me.” I imagine there aren’t many puns involving art that could also relate to reality TV, but if that’s the problem than you should have gone the Padma route and given simple instructions. “Please pack your easel and go.” Simple as pie. Take it back SJP. Take it back and fix it.

As of right now I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get into Work of Art which is unusual for me as I can embrace virtually any program that has Andy Cohen’s stamp of approval. The whole artistic vibe just feels a little forced. Like I said, we watched for ten minutes, and even in that short amount of time there was more man-handled hair and form fitting gender neutral jeans than I’ve seen in an hour spent at Espresso Royale in Urbana. For those that don’t know that reference, think Williamsburg hipster meets middle America. It’s all very passive aggressive.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Why are you still here?
Tracy: I love it up here. It’s hot. It’s loud. There’s no pizza. It’s like Miami.

Cerie, for the last time, I have never been married. That’s the spirit!

Dear Tina,

Inspired by Andy Cohen’s “Here’s What” segment on Watch What Happens Live, I bring you three items happening in the world of television today.

1. During a commercial break for The Real Housewives of New York City, Bravo aired a preview for the new show coming this June, Bethenny Getting Married? A word of advice to all current and future television producers: do not include a question mark in the title of your program. Unless the title is a legitimate question that pertains directly to the plot of the series, i.e. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Now every time I reference this show in conversation (which will be frequently as I will inevitably tune in to every episode), it will sound like I am speaking with the kind of upward inflection 8 year olds use to tell stories where the end of every sentence sounds like a question: and then I went to the park? And went down the slide? More to the point, why the question mark in the first place? What was the subtitle the creatives came up with? Bethenny Getting Married? Really? That old hag?  I understand that was kind of her schtick on the first couple seasons on RHONYC, alone looking for Mr. Right, but still that question mark is awfully patronizing.

2. I happened to catch 10 minutes of a The Hills rerun this morning—a decision caused by the dangerous combination of boredom and laziness. With that disclaimer and the acknowledgement that I understand everything on that show is staged and possibly written, Spencer Pratt is off his rocker. There is a thin line on reality television of enjoyment and disgust. A line so thin that it may be more accurately described as blurred. But watching Spencer react to minor conflict as if he were confronting the universe with history’s greatest tragedies, it makes you wonder if maybe he has stockholm-syndromed himself and this persona he created a few years ago for the sake of the TV show has begun to resonate with him. In the most recent episode, we see that he has taken to wearing crystals all over his body as a tool to help center and calm him. His mustached sidekick Charlie suggests maybe they aren’t working as Spencer practically hyperventilates in front of him. “I know they’re not working that’s why there’s hundreds on me right now.” Oh Spencer, I can’t wait to catch you on season 8 of Celebrity Rehab with Doctor Drew. Ten bucks says the crystals make a reappearance.

3. I read a blurb last week where Steve Carell was quoted as saying he plans on leaving The Office when his contract is up at the end of the upcoming seventh season. First Simon Cowell then Oprah and now this? If I was skeptical of the world ending in 2012, I think I’m quickly becoming a believer. I imagine in the case of The Office they’ll find a replacement for Carell rather than end the series altogether. I won’t write off this idea just yet. Sometimes shaking things up and bringing on a new personality can shift the dynamic in a way that will breathe life back into the story. At the same time it’s really hard to imagine Scranton without Michael Scott coming to work everyday in a PT Cruiser and lady suits.

Alright I hope that was inspiring. ClearlyI dedicated a good portion of my day to contimplating critical moments in the world of pop culture. As I always do. 30 Rock recap tomorrow. Jenna’s mom Verna was back and Lutz played his own mom. So, par for the course. Goodnight.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Kenneth: Well it’s finally over, Ms. Maroney.
Jenna: Yes. And it’s hard to even remember how it all began.
Kenneth: [whispers] You burnt my jacket.

She’s gonna make us buy more of her homemade jewelry. Birds always attack me when I wear it.

Dear Tina,

I was just shamed by my own father. I walked in the door at 9:35 after an eleven hour work day and I get “Catherine. Home on a Friday night?” Ugh. Yes. It was this or the singles mixer in the basement of the community center. Part of me hopes that those events really exist and that people really go to them and eventually a one woman show will be birthed out of someone’s experience at them. So yes I am home tonight and it is most definitely Friday. I was working late so that the family I sit for could go to a neighborhood get together and not have to bring that loudmouth baby. It was actually perfect because what did I get to do post putting the baby to sleep pre family coming home? Catch up on all the television I missed last night! I wish it didn’t make as happy as it does but I feel like I get to make a check on my mental to do list when I’m done and therefore can move onto laundry…or job hunting.

So tonight I caught a rerun of last night’s all new The Real Housewives of Orange County. I know I have mentioned to you before my love of all things Bravo, particularly Andy Cohen, and to the chagrin of people who know better, The Real Housewives series is no different. Since I started this blog, everything I watch on TV is a potential entry subject so I watch it accordingly. The shows that I love and take a sincere interest in, I try to show my appreciation for their work in my writing. Everything else usually falls in the Reality TV genre and I try to approach those with the superiority and mockery of a college freshman chaperoning a high school party. But I can’t even categorize these ladies of the O.C. under the latter category because their behavior seems to actually reflect their character. I always watch reality programming with a grain of salt knowing that the stories are edited within an inch of their lives or else people spend a lot more time silently nodding back and forth than I thought. With The Real Housewives of Orange County though, their general decision making is so selfish and ignorant that it’s not even Bachelor funny, it’s Hoarders sad. After mulling this one over for about ten minutes, lucky you, I have decided the ladies are still fair game. On we go.

Vicki Gunvalson is the only housewife who has been on the show for all five seasons. Um, congratulations? Yikes, I mean when my girl scout troupe was the only one that transitioned from elementary school to middle school, the next year we decided it was time to disband. Vicki is surprisingly less annoying than she has been in the past and even more surprisingly, this year she’s the most level headed one. Owner of a thriving life insurance company, she is also the only one who works. So I like that about her. What I don’t like is that she has more rhinestones in her closet than a Bob Mackie fashion show. Vicki has had a hard time over the last four years learning how to appreciate her less successful husband, support the choices her adult children make for themselves, and shriek less. I’d say this year she has a grasp on all three so maybe that’s why she decided to stick around for the fifth season. She and Andy Cohen agreed on a story arc for her that would get people to like her. Worked like a charm. I actually wouldn’t mind working for her because in this week’s episode during a presentation on finances she and all of her employees were drinking goblets of red wine. Yum!

Tamra Barney is another seasoned housewife although she’s come to resent the show since they invited women on it who are clearly prettier and younger than her. (Can I get a me-ow?) Tamra has an adult son from a previous relationship and three younger children with her husband Simon. That makes her a mother of four who still wears pigtails and a pink visor when she plays tennis. A note to all females over the age of 13: unless you are going to a barndance or you are letting your daughter play with your hair, pigtails should not be tolerated. Not for working out, not for around the house, not even to see if you look like Pippi Longstocking after you dye your hair red. Never pigtails ever. In the beginning of this episode we see Tamra and Simon getting the kids ready for school. All I could think about were these poor children who are being filmed as they wake up and eat breakfast. Wouldn’t you have loved to be a fly on the wall when the Barneys first broke the news to their children that they would be a part of a reality television show? How does that conversation go? Hi kids come sit down we have big news. Mommy is going to be on TV! For what?! Well you know how mommy dyes her hair blonde and has breast implants and she’s a little bitchy? That’s why! At least the children of actors and actresses have their parent’s career to explain why their private family life is tabloid fodder but these women sign up for this kind of negative attention. And now of course Tamra is going through a public divorce. Honestly, three years ago she thought being on this program would what? Provide stability for her family? I hope for the sake of Tamra’s children she doesn’t accept an offer for a spinoff show about her life as a single mom. Just ask Denise Richards about how opportunities like that turn out.

Gretchen Rossi is flawless. Except for her personality. Which is grating and inauthentic. Gretchen was new to the show last season and at that time she was engaged to a man named Jeff, a slightly atypical may december relationship in that it came with some tragedy. Jeff was diagnosed with Leukemia before we first met Gretchen and sadly lost his battle after last season’s shooting wrapped. Gretchen was definitely put through the wringer by the other housewives who were probably a bit perturbed at how stunningly gorgeous she was. But when someone is losing the person they love, no matter what your opinions or preconceived notions are, that would be a good time to keep them to yourself. So I liked Gretchen. Because sometimes I confuse liking someone with pitying them. Then I reminded myself that she shouldn’t be pitied because she signed up to be on this show and public scorn comes with the territory. Gretchen is now dating Slade (ick), a former housewife’s former lover (ick). While I do not agree with judging how long it takes someone to heal and move on after losing a fiance, this Slade guy is a chach. So I think maybe her grief has confused her and she went for the first guy who showed interest and didn’t need a special headset to hear the movie at the movie theater. Girl can do so much better. Then again, sometimes she laughs for longer than four seconds and my ears start bleeding and I think girl can take what she gets.

Lynne Curtin. Lynne Lynne Lynne. My brain feels lighter just thinking about her. Lynne was at the forefront of my mind when I said earlier that this show isn’t funny, it’s just depressing. Lynne is a married mother of two and when it comes to her teenage daughters she is drowning in her own cluelessness. The other women have mentioned how much they love Lynne in their interview segments but they say it with the tone teachers use to talk about the slow kid in class. I don’t find any of her flightiness endearing. Every time she talks, her thoughts are precursors to conversations that no one is about to have. Trying to follow her line of thinking is as confusing as listening to Paris Hilton change from her husky voice to her baby voice within seconds of each other. The truly sad part about Lynne is that she is completely lost when it comes to forming a relationship with her daughter Alexa whose faux teenage suffering I could write an anthology about. Lynne, in an attempt to reconnect with her daughter, hires a youthologist (a made up profession I imagine only exists in California) to help facilitate this relationship. Meanwhile, we have Alexa telling her mother that she doesn’t want to talk to the youthologist about her problems, she wants to talk to her mom. It would have been heartbreaking if it wasn’t followed by Alexa throwing one of the cuffs Lynne designed at Lynne and then telling her to “kiss my ass.” Is no one taught to talk nicely anymore? Do you see what I mean Tina? There is nothing funny about watching a woman who would like to improve her relationship with her daughter  but doesn’t seem to want to take the time to personally figure out solutions that last longer than a trip to the mall. Lynne had a bit of a breakdown this episode which Andy Cohen and the people at Bravo treated with the upmost respect and delicacy:

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Alexis Bellino is the latest addition to the franchise and boy does her husband she have a lot of opinions. Alexis prides herself on the time it takes to maintain her girlish, overly processed figure. In one of her first appearances she claimed she didn’t know how much time she devoted to physical maintenance, stating that in her twenties she only had to get Botox once a year but now she’s in her thirties so she has to get it TWICE a year. Alexis, do you think it would go over well with my parents if I told them the reason I don’t have time to look for a job is because I have dentist appointments twice a year? The woman prides herself on the 1950s dynamic she has going on in her household except that in the 21st century edition, this June Cleaver has two nannies. She calls her husband her king and preaches about the importance of God and discretion whilst wearing a bikini that covers about 35% of what it is supposed to. Her husband, his majesty Jim, thinks he is smarter than he actually is. He must be business savvy based on what he has been able to provide his family but when it comes to relationship advice he makes about as much sense as Miss South Carolina discussing “the Iraq.” Alexis responds to said advice with “You’re right. You are so right.” And not even in the ironic way.

So there you have it Tina. Five great examples of why young women everywhere should steer clear of life in California suburbia. It is vicious, superficial, and you have to wear a minimum of 18 pieces of jewelry. I’ll take Chicago or New York any day. The women may be equally vicious but at least there’s nice architecture to look at.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: This must be what the kids call a “Booty Call”
Gavin Volure: I haven’t been out of the house since 2004 and even I know they don’t call it that any more.

I’m here to talk to you television about the monetizing of today broadcast. Was any of that usable?

Dear Tina,

The evening really got away from me. All of a sudden it’s nearing 11:00 and I haven’t written a thing! Actually, that’s a lie. I started writing an entry about my belated Christmas gift, one full hour of all new 30 Rock, but I didn’t feel I could do it justice in the amount of time I had. It also would have required going downstairs to rewatch the episodes on our DVR and now I’m upstairs and ugh I’m exhausted just thinking about it. No fear Tina, I’ll let you know all my thoughts on your work tomorrow. I understand that with my mediocre writing abilities and “intern” being the highlight of my resume, you’ll be chomping at the bit to read it. It’s just like when you were younger and you asked your mom a homework question and your little sister piped in with the answer. I am of course the little sister in this scenario and in real life. Except you are smarter than me and in real life my older sister calls home to ask what kind of butter we buy. Um, we buy…stick butter but if you go with the tub butter you’ll probably get the same results. Project Manager might have a problem with this post.

So yes I slacked with the writing tonight but not with the television viewing. After enjoying two blissful hours of comedy on NBC (Will Arnet on Parks and Recreation! Be still my heart!), I immediately changed the channel before The Jay Leno Show began. I almost flipped over the coffee table in rage after accidentally watching the first ten seconds of the opening credits. And my mom hates when I do that. Lucky for me I had a plethera of 9:00 options. Otherwise I would have had to go read a book. Yeesh.

Currently, I am watching the return of Watch What Happens Live on Bravo. A show I selected for background noise while I work but then Andy Cohen was gesticulating a lot and I got distracted. I’ll just go ahead and apologize now for the lack of focus or intellect happening in this post. I have to be honest, though Tina, if things don’t work out for me over at 30 Rock I would not turn down an employment opportunity from Andy Cohen. Even if the offer was to lounge around with him in my pjs and make Rice Krispie treats. As long as it came with good dental insurance. Ever since Andy Cohen officially outed himself on The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Special (“Well I’m gay and I found it offensive”) he seems to be having a lot more fun. I just resisted the impulse to write “having a gay ole time.” I probably would have done it if there was a way to produce a “ba dum bum ching” sound bite as soon as you finished reading the sentence. But there’s not, so I didn’t. In all seriousness, he’s my second choice. Well maybe you’re my first and second choice, kind of like the first two rules of Fight Club, and he’s my third choice. The man ends his show with a Mazel of the Week. How fun is that? You know what? I’m going to do it too, with apologies to the Bravo network. My Mazel of the week goes to the American Girl doll sitting behind Andy on his set. Or rather, the set decorator who thought…”Ok we have some books, we have some tchotchkes, some lamps, we need…an American Girl doll. Perfect. Roll Camera.”

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: You know what?  Race card!
Pete: No! Don’t accept it!