Dear Tina,
How is your January 10, 2011 Resolution going? So far I’ve managed to eat more fruit and less fruit-flavored candy. I’ve also been more aggressive with sending my resume out to a variety of potential employers. One company got back to me that same day, which made the beacon of hope that is my future employment shine just a little bit brighter in that moment. Of course, their response was “Thank you, Catherine, but there are no openings on our show at this time.” Um, yes, I noticed that. But don’t you sometimes just…like…give someone a job, because they want one?
The last time I was home, my mom suggested I look into working for a temp agency. It was the most depresssing thing I’d heard since my friend told me she used a temp agency and landed work as the receptionist at a store that sold toilets. After Googling temp agencies in Chicago, I was led to a website where I began searching the “Job Openings” section. Their database seemed thorough as I was able to specify my work preferences, with such desired job categories as “Welders” and “Building and Ground Maintenance”. Here’s a picture of future me, taken from the website.
That’s me on the left. Don’t I look happier? Probably because I’m so relieved that my skull is being protected from all of the falling debris at my new job.
My God, Tina, honestly. Save me from my own demise. Please.
I try not to dwell on the bleakness that is tucking away my career goals that have been pretty well defined since I was in college, for the sake of making ends meet. Or sometimes I try to dwell in it as much as possible because I’m bored and it’s more entertaining than discussing via a cover letter my adeptness for oral and written communication.
In any case, I am painfully aware of how much worse off I could be. And with that token of self-worth, I give you a list of five jobs that would be worse than working as a welder for Elite Staffing (The NEW way to work).
1. Justin Bieber backup dancer
I imagine it’s kind of like being that kid in your neighborhood who annoyed all the kids his own age, so he started hanging out with, like, the seven year olds who were too young to realize how lame he was.
2. A Doodlebop
Now I know many of you don’t know what that is. But as a seasoned babysitter, I do, and I can tell you as someone who used to think she wanted to be an actor, this is one depressing gig. I bet the blue one played Trigorin in his high school’s production of The Seagull. Leapin Lulu!
3. Joe Francis’s assistant
“Joe you have a 10 o’clock meeting with some potential……”
“WHAT?!?! I can’t hear you! These women keeping pressing their BREASTS against my EARS! I’M KING OF THE WORLD!”
4. The Boom Operator on America’s Next Top Model
It must be so very, very shrill.
5. The nurse on Bridalplasty
Bridalplasty (or as my boyfriend calls it, “Cut Me I’m Your Wife”) is a show about brides-to-be competing in challenges to win plastic surgeries in hopes of becoming the perfect bride. The only job worse than wheeling these women in and out of the recovery room so that they may test their skills at bouquet making in front of a very condescending Giuliana Rancic, is the job of actually being married to one of these women. Cheers.
See? Life ain’t that bad. I think I can feel my stress-related stomach pains receding as I type this. Thanks smut!
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Jack: I’ve got the next big reality show. We put a bunch of people in a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals that the pilot is a six year old boy. We call it “Child Hell Flight!”
Dear Tina 
