Dear Tina,
Last night Dancing With The Stars had its second performance episode since it premiered and yet no one has left the competition. Let’s get things rolling over there people, we’re only giving you until May (I hope).
Now last week I noted my apprehension with writing about this show because a large part of me doesn’t really care for it. I’m more of a So You Think You Can Dance kind of girl. I want choreographer Mia Michaels to be my life coach. But that is a different show for a different day. The fact of the matter is, like American Idol, Dancing With The Stars has become a television and cultural phenomenon. Not quite on the same scale as Idol but its popularity has grown enormously since it first premiered in 2005 and it has been produced and cast in a way that has turned it into a must-see if you’re going to stop by the water cooler Tuesday morning. Does anyone even still have water coolers besides dentists? What do I know, everyone at my office still believes in Santa Claus.
So I tuned in last night, not necessarily to see how Chad Ochocinco’s rhythm had improved in one week’s time, but to be able to take part in the conversation. My first question is—seriously—what is the DWTS spray tanning budget. These contestants and professionals look like they went through Dr. Seuss’s Sneetches machine but instead of getting stars on their bellies they received a horrifying glow that I believe Crayola would describe as burnt orange. Is it mandatory? That’s what I can’t figure out. I’d write it off as part of the schmaltz factor but that doesn’t even make sense and I can’t accept it, not even passively. With that aside, I delve into the night’s most memorable performances.
Ok if you didn’t realize it while watching The Bachelor, you certainly can’t escape it now. Jake Pavelka is a huge dork. If he were in college and in a fraternity it would be the lame one. And they would make him be their social chair so that when he organized events with sororities, his chiseled jaw would distract the women from his nervous giggling and awkward comments. Then he would mention he’s an aviation major, take off his shirt, and confuse the women into dedicating their entire social calendar to a fraternity known for having a surplus of 2 liter bottles of pop and a deficit of alcohol at their parties. Jake performed the Jive with partner Chelsie, a former contestant on So You Think You Can Dance so, love her, but oh my plaid suit. Watching him shuffle across that stage was like watching a 17 year old playing Danny Zuko in a high school production of Grease. I want to say that his energy and smile is infectious but he’s engaged to Vienna so I imagine he’s infectious in other ways. OH no she DI-INT! I believe it was Len who said that he hopes Jake stays around because he has such a great attitude, or something, and I’ll agree with that. I mean I’d definitely rather watch him than Aiden Turner (who?) but he needs to let go of his general demeaner that implies “aww shucks” is a part of his daily vocabulary.
We also have Nicole Sherzinger, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls (blech). I mean she’s a great singer but “I’m tellin you loosin up my buttons baby?” I don’t think so. Now, Nicole would like you to believe that she is as disadvantaged as the other celebrities competing because her dance background mainly involves body rolls and humping chairs. But the reality is, she has extensive experience in learning dance routines and has a natural rhythmic ability. Sure enough, her performance was the most skilled of the night, earning her the first two 10s of the season. Nicole is by far the best dancer in the competition but what fun is it to watch someone who’s good from the beginning when the basic promise/premise of this show is that these celebrities are doing something outside the realm of their skill set? No fun.
Erin Andrews and her partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy win the award for most likely to knock boots by the end of the season.
I’d also like to readdress an issue I brought up last week. This time I’ve brought along a couple of visual aids. Sincerely, this show is about fun and personality and having a sense of humor. So, would you rather watch this:
Or this:
I think I’ve made my point. Team Johnny.
Chad Ochocinco, who should put his face on a skin care line if he knows what’s good for him, looked like he was going to tackle the judges while receiving the negative feedback from his subpar performance. Clearly this man has not been told “no” many times in his life. His last name is now Ochocinco after all. But you would think he wouldn’t take it so personally, being told he’s not a great dancer. He looked as if he wanted to say “You show me anything on that paddle less than an 8 and I will shove it…” (insert something explicit that I don’t want to write for fear that someone will flag this blog as inappropriate and WordPress will shut down my dreams). Oh Chad. Loosen up your buttons, baby.
For the grand finale we had Kate Gosselin reminding us why Jon divorced her. OH no she DI-INT! AGAIN! Yes, Kate proved herself to be the same bossy and shrill partner to Tony Dovolani that she was to Jon. Luckily for all of us at home who have a hard time stomaching these antics, Kate has finally met a man willing to stand up to her. Kate informed Tony that he wasn’t teaching her correctly to which he replied “This is what I do for a living. I teach world champions. I teach teachers.” So maybe, Kate, the problem isn’t Tony, but your inability to retain any information that doesn’t involve the care instructions for your hair extensions. At one point Tony quits which producers captured beautifully with footage of Tony saying… “I quit.” They played this clip about 18 times throughout the episode so when it aired within the context of the rest of the rehearsal, it felt a bit anticlimactic. When Tony eventually comes back, he admits he shouldn’t have let her get the best of him and she thanks him, saying “A lot of people quit on me in life.” Groan. Did you have to squeeze that in there? Thank God they patched things up because their subsequent performance of the Jive just tickled me. Tickled me when I wasn’t covering my eyes due to secondhand embarrassment that is. If you missed it, please somehow track it down (abc.com) and watch the part where Tony spins her around and she slides under his legs. That look on her face, you would have thought she was being thrown into a pit of vipers. Also, when it came time for the feedback, she rolled her eyes at the judges. Kate this isn’t TLC and they are not your husband. There is no place for that here.
Question. Does ABC gift the contestants with dancing clothes because Kate and Erin Andrews were definitely wearing the same purple shrug during rehearsal. That can’t be a coincidence.
It’s now 10:35 on Tuesday night so we know that Shannen Doherty was eliminated. Good thing I didn’t waste any time talking about her. But I would have liked to see her go all Shannen Doherty circa 1994 on someone before she left. Oh well. Maybe Buzz Aldrin can fill that void.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Kenneth: These gentlemen are the writers for Bro’s Beat who’s offices we will be sharing. They are all named Sean. They are mean. And I hate it here.
Dear Tina 