I’m already not liking some of these people. It reminds me of being on the bus.

Dear Tina,

Last night American Idol kicked off what I thought was going to be a brief venture narrowing the top 24 contestants down to 12. Turns out, this process is going to take three weeks. Isn’t the more efficient option to have them perform once and Simon just pick the six men and six women who did the best job to compete in the top 12? Although I guess when you are raking in millions of dollars each week from advertisers, efficiency isn’t really your bag. This season in particular it might be good to have that time before we head into the big leagues. That way it will give Ellen more time to get comfortable with live TV and Kara more time to get that kink out of her neck. Or does she keep moving her neck back and forth like that to inject a little New Jersey attitude into everything she says? Hard to tell.

The first live episode is always crucial (if you take this show seriously like I do) as it allows you to judge for yourself if those selected by the judges deserve to be there. Or if, maybe, they should have instead selected the 28 year old with the voice of an angel who has a child with a disability and who was eliminated during Hollywood week in the season before last a week after her father was murdered you heartless heathens. So it’s fun. I have to say that first moment before the show starts when Ryan is walking down the human hallway with six contestants on either side of him and then says “THIS is AMERICAN IDOL,” if I were one of those girls I would get so overwhelmed with excitement I’d probably go cross eyed. I mean, really, could they have created a better “I’ve made it!” moment for you? After the opening credits the contestants were blessed with some solid advice from Randy: “You gotta be great or you gotta be mad at yourself. It’s up to you to wreck the stage with your vocals.” Oh Randy, sometimes I just want to pat your belly and ask you where you got your robin’s egg blue watch. Let’s take a look at our top 12 girls.

First up was Paige Miles. In the notes I took last night I have written “psigr miles” but that can’t be right. She sang “All Right Now” by Free and got some pretty great feedback including a “best female singer in the group” from Simon. All positive notes were followed by a lot of “wrong song” notes. My advice to all American Idol contestants, current and future, steer clear of any song featured on the Now and Then soundtrack.

Next was Ashley Rodriguez singing “Happy” by Leona Lewis. I liked her since her audition in Boston but boy did she take a wrong turn last night. She looked and sounded how I would sing that song if I was listening to it in the car at 4 in the morning while trying not to fall asleep at the wheel: screechy and absurdly animated. Judges concurred. Simon then dropped the “I think you’re going to be in trouble” bomb on her. I actually think he says this to contestants he wants to see go home because he is keenly aware of his ability to sway voters.

Janell Wheeler was third in line and sang “What About Love” by Heart. I didn’t write anything about her last night and then this morning when I wrote this I had to go on americanidol.com to figure out who the only contestant I left out was. So…I think that sums up my thoughts on Janell.

Lilly Scott came on after and sang “Fixing a Hole” by The Beatles. Her performance was great, original, she received more than one “that’s what I’m talking abouts” from Kara alone, and is sure to be safe in this first round of cuts. What I’m concerned about is what we learned in the short video we saw before she started singing, that last year when she was nineteen, Lily was living out of her car like a homeless person or Jewel. Then we see her parents sitting in the audience. Um, Mr. and Mrs. Scott, why was your daughter living in a van as a teenager? Clearly you don’t have some kind of tumultuous relationship. Can I hear your thoughts on this? Because I think if I was living in a van at 19…or 35…my parents might knock on my van door and ask if they might be of assistance. Just curious.

Katelyn Epperly. Oh man. That was a lotta look. Tim Gunn, can I get an Amen? If you were a costume designer for a Lifetime made for TV movie and you had to convey a nice, quiet girl succumbing to temptation and rebeling against her parents and drinking wine spritzers on a thursday night when she should be at volleyball practice this would be your checklist: high volume and kinked hair accessorized with a feathered barrette, magenta lipstick, enormous gold earrings, leather tube dress, lace tights, and black leather stiletto platforms. Welcome to Katelyn’s first impression on America. The judges seemed to like her singing fine; I on the other hand was too distracted by that lipstick that I was secretly hoping would somehow get smeared on Ryan’s forehead.

Haeley Vaughn sang “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles. Haeley is one of those girls who is so nice you don’t want anyone to say mean things to her because she’ll just smile politely while they do. But unfortunately in this case she really needed to hear what Simon had to say which was, “it was just for me a complete and utter mess.” I love the British. Hopefully next time her vocal coach will keep her performance in a more manageable range because if we have to have a 16 year old in the top 12, I would pick her. We don’t have to have a 16 year old in the top 12 by the way. Also, she looked like a 1950s nurse in her outfit.

Lacey Brown was a nonentity singing “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. She’ll probably go home tonight. She got a “beautiful eyes” comment from Simon and, really isn’t that all you need? She reminds me of Christina Hendricks from Mad Men so maybe if American Idol doesn’t pan out for her she could find someone with gray hair to be her musical John Slattery and they could become a singing duo? Maybe Lilly Scott?

Michelle Delamor sang “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys. Yes, and so did that girl in season 2 for her audition. Moratorium on all Alicia Keys songs on Idol please. Also, girl is a diva by her own accord so my interest in her went out the door the first time she made enormous hand motions to cue the band when to rest as you might expect from Whitney or Aretha. Or a Maestro.

Didi Benami sang “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson which was perfectly suited for her voice but then of course the judges came at her with how boring they thought it was. Sometimes this show is a lose-lose situation. You pick the wrong song or the wrong artist and you get ripped to shreds; then you pick a song in your range and style and you’re told to take more risks. It was a little boring and picking a song that was only on the Billboard charts because it was a big hit on Adult Contemporary radio stations is not the best move but we can’t all sing “Mad World” and get standing ovations. I miss Adam Lambert already.

Siobhan Magnus sang “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak and for me it was ok except for the beginning when she sounded like Amanda Bynes pretending to be a man in She’s The Man–that was not ok. I guess it got better, the judges seemed to not hate it, but where she really lost us was when she started talking after the performance. Simon asked her why she chose that song and she went into a explanation with less pizazz than a video tutorial on how to install dry wall. Simon made a sassy comment about her personality and I shed a tear at the thought of him leaving us.

Crystal Bowersox and her one man band sang “Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Morrisette. She may be my favorite but I have to agree with the judges when they said it was good but she could do better, something more interesting and less predictable. She made a quick rebuttal about not being allowed to sing original music and I’m glad that didn’t get too much play because there is nothing more annoying than listening to original music on this show. Original idea, sure, you testing your songwriting abilities on America, save it for youtube. Crystal seemed to like Simon’s idea of doing something by David Bowie. I hope she picks “Magic Dance” from Labyrinth.

Katie Stevens closed the night with “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse. Why does Michael Buble continue to get credit for that song? David Foster must be giving someone money under the table. I hate to bring him up again but I will for the sake of sweet Katie. Remember last season when Adam Lambert sang that song? And they provided him with a set that rivals the Academy Awards? And he wore a white suit? And he sang the business out of it? Yeah, the song kind of needs that. You on the other hand were dressed for an eighth grade Valentine’s Day dance. You sang with the dimpled sweetness I would expect from most 16 year olds which is only appropriate when singing songs like “Knock Three TImes” by Tony and the Dawns, and again we’re saying no to the Now and Then soundtrack.

So there you have it. Just for putting up with all that, I offer the best exchange of the entire night. I laughed so hard I went back and watched it again. Simon is explaining to Ryan that in picking the right song you should want it to be as memorable as your first kiss.

Simon: Come out here, do something and prove to everyone watching this show I am different, unique, and I’m a star. Rather than indulging yourself and that’s the problem.
Ryan: I didn’t think of any of that during my first kiss.
Simon: That probably went both ways.

That. Man.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Devon Banks: You know what they say about rumors Jack? They make a “ru” out of “mor” and “s. ”

I didn’t know you sang. It’s funny because it’s kind of my thing. Next thing I know you’re going to be telling me you’re really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.

Dear Tina,

Last night Ryan Seacrest sported a “casual Friday” look to guide us through a two hour long look at how the American Idol judges whittled the contestants down from 71 to 24. Did I mention that part of this process simply involved them walking into three rooms where the contestants had been divided and announcing to that room if they had made it or not? And that they allowed this process to take a total of an hour and a half? Therefore they only had time to reveal 7 of the contestants making it to the top 24. Sometimes I think this show is testing me. Trying to push my limits and see how many times Ryan Seacrest can say “here’s how it’s going to work” before I give up on all of them and spend the rest of the spring trying to figure out what’s happening on Lost.

Four minutes passed last night before anyone even sang (this is not an exaggeration, I checked the ticker). Which means that the first four minutes were basically just a voice over that consisted of twenty different sentences indicating Hollywood week was over. “The last song has been sung. The sun is setting in Hollywood. The judges have had their say. I am all out of skinny ties. The stage is now empty.” You know, nonsense like that. The producers or directors or editors–really all of the above, decided to put this episode together from end to beginning and occasionally peppering this layout with actual singing. It was kind of like the first season of Damages except the ending didn’t provide the answer to a complex murder but rather announced results we saw coming 14 minutes into the episode (room 2 would be going home). Speaking of the editing, we need to discuss the use of the echo effect in their post-edit. At first I thought my DVR was skipping–like a record player?–but then I realized when they used this technique on one critique from every judge, that it was a conscious choice on their part. I’m talking “that just wasn’t good enough enough nough ough.” What was your other idea? Star wipe? The echo effect should only be used in memory sequences from Saved by the Bell that are clearly marked by the hot pink outline. I mean, I know that American Idol has a hold on advertisers and Americans alike and can pretty much get away with anything and still maintain more viewers on one night than Ugly Betty has had all season combined. But a little more sophistication for the most successful show on television would be appreciated.

Let’s skip along to the heart of the matter. Why have the judges switched from Coca Cola cups to Vitaminwater Zero cups?? No I jest, the singing! (The answer by the way is Coca Cola owns Vitaminwater. The red cups will return when American Idol goes live. Don’t fret.) The final 71 were given a song book of who knows how many songs to choose from, because about 73% of them picked “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz, and were given one last shot to impress the judges. Or as Ryan announced it: “ONE. LAST. SHOT.”

Siobhan Magnus was one of the first to go. We were reminded, because no one remembers her, that when Siobhan first performed in Hollywood, Ellen told her to loosen up and make her look more youthful. Siobhan took this note and ran with it in every crazy direction possible. She stood before us in some kind of multi-colored, multi-layered negligee with a sleeveless jean jacket over it. Yikes. Youthful generally means young and current, not young like you were young in the 1980s so dress like Cyndi Lauper.

Crystal Bowersox, an early favorite of mine, sang a slightly stripped version of Sherly Crow’s “If it Makes You Happy” and accompanied herself with a harmonica and acoustic guitar. Randy comments to Kara that “that’s a real Indie girl right there” which is the first music vocab word Randy has used maybe all season. I don’t count “pitchy” because even Randy doesn’t know what he means by that anymore.

I have mentioned before how much American Idol loves a nice montage. Last night they mixed things up and delivered a montage I had never seen before: the mom who is more excited than her child. Thaddeus Johnson has had a particularly long road up until this point because he accidentally invited his mother who has been screaming in his ear, and mine, since his first audition. Actually, Thaddeus sang Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” last night and the only highlight was watching his mother sing and dance along. And as we have no room for overenthusiastic moms in the top 12, I will not be sad when he is inevitably eliminated before we get to that point.

To round things out, Compton Danny Gokey aka Andrew Garcia was amazing singing “Chasing Pavements” by Adele. Why they only gave us a sound bite of this I’ll never know. I guess they felt compelled to edit in a lot of Mary Powers (the one you can’t stand and sounds like Pink) talking ever so confidently in the soon-to-be axed room 2, that they skimped on the actual talent.  Todrick Hall, our resident Broadway performer, was the only one who managed to come up with a fresh interpretation of “I’m Yours” (I’m being generous under the circumstances of overusage) and it didn’t even involve an acoustic instrument! Todrick was one of the seven who found out he made it to the top 24 last night, bless his heart. And Lily Scott, who has a great voice, but I cannot throw my support behind because she has silver hair and we all know what happened last time we got excited about someone with silver hair. Taylor Hicks. Now starring as not the lead in the touring production of Grease. Check your local Marriott for dates in your area.

I would also like to add that, while I have harped on Ryan plenty today, I don’t think I’m done. When the judges finally made up their minds about the fates of the three rooms, Ryan pipes in narrates “The first room to be relieved of their anxiety is…………………….ROOM 1!” Why the dramatic pause Ryan? Was there any reason why we should believe that this was not going to go in numerical order? Isn’t that the whole logic behind designating numbers and not just labeling them this room, that room, and the other room? “Which room will be next? It’s…………….ROOM 2!” Yeah, I got it. What’s next? Back to one? Oh, Room 3? Strange. And in terms of the “Here’s how this will work” bits, I am now under the impression that in Ryan’s contract there is a quota for how often you must hear his voice or see his face.  As his role is almost entirely useless, they make up for it by having him talk about how each contestant will enter the Kodak Theatre. Walk down the stairs. Sit in that chair. Then, walk back up those stairs. Out the exit door. Just so he is assured his multi-million dollar contract is worth it. You know how when you’re teaching someone how to play a new game and you realize your talking isn’t helping so you finally say “let’s just learn as we go.” I wish Ryan would just let me learn as I go.

Oh and just so you are sure to look for it, Kara wore her prom dress to the final 24 announcement that continues tonight. I did the math; she was a senior in high school from 1987-1988 so all signs point to yes.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: The days of your wild coke parties are over.
Liz: Well, if by coke, you mean sodas…
Jack: I do.

You can’t be gay for one person. Unless you are a lady and you meet Ellen.

Dear Tina,

Tonight was a big night for network television. Joining the American Idol team for the first time was music mogul talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. It was also the first night of Hollywood week, which I love, so it was a good thing I got off work five hours early due to weather conditions so I could ease into my excitement. It also gave me some time to set up my printer and condense the 50 post-its my dad had on the wall of our office into one spreadsheet. The space looks a lot less Beautiful Mind now. So you can see I’ve been quite busy. Tonight’s episode proved to be as delightful as I had hoped and, surprisingly!, because of the singing. Time to discuss.

We begin with a montage. If you don’t watch the show, you should know that American Idol requires a minimum of 7 montages per episode. First a montage of Ellen coming to Idol, then contestants arriving in Hollywood, contestants leaving Hollywood crying, contestants playing instruments badly, a montage of funny commentary from Ellen, memorable contestants being sent home. The list goes on and on. The one classic they missed was the montage of contestants forgetting their lyrics. Mark my words, it’s coming.

Ryan, timid mouse that he is, was continuously filmed on the balcony overlooking the stage whispering to the audience at home what all was going down. What was the reasoning behind that? No one ever actually appeared to be performing while he was doing this. Was it to make the circumstances seem more tense? Did the director momentarily mistake this program for a National Geographic feature filming wild animals in their natural habitat? The tactic was the same, the necessity a bit over thought. They also let Ryan play pretend stage manager for one segment but he declined to wear the headset I assume for fear of looking like one of the employees receiving an hourly wage. All he did was tell one group of singers they were up and to head out to the stage. I bet there were multiple takes on that one.

Adding a new personality to a show like American Idol, there is always some risk involved. Even when the person has proved herself to be extremely popular and current. To ensure that their viewers are just as excited about Ellen’s arrival as they are, the producers were really hitting us over the head with how HILARIOUS she is. And Ellen is funny. But instead of just letting her be funny and letting us enjoy her humor, they had to edit each moment to be followed by shots of the audience laughing uproariously. It was so over the top it almost felt staged. It sounded like the type of laughter you would get if you asked a classroom filled with 3rd graders to laugh as loud as they can and the noise sounds more like screaming than laughing. The reality TV version of a laugh track, if you will. Ellen is an incredibly intelligent woman so I do look forward to seeing how she fares the rest of the season. Particularly the live episodes when judging becomes much more critical. My advice to the producers is to trust that their home audience will find Ellen quite funny, we don’t need assistance to enjoy her.

Before I get to my favorite performances, I just need to get this off my chest. What was Kara wearing? Was it a turtleneck? Was it a scarf? Was it all of the above plus a few random cutouts? I don’t know but I do know that she paired it with a black leather jacket. She looked like Tori from Saved by the Bell. And please PLEASE Kara stop singing along. We know you know the words. We know them too because the only songs anyone ever sings on American Idol are “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” and “For Once in My Life.” So stop that.

Compton Danny Gokey aka Andrew Garcia stole the show with an acoustic rendition of Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.” The judges took this as an opportunity to talk about Paula as if she were dead. Which she is, in their hearts. “Paula would have loved that! If she were she would be clapping like [gesture indicating speculated pill dependency].” Although I continue to refer to him as the Compton Danny Gokey, Andrew is enormously more interesting because he has that quality that all joe regulars need to become famous. An appealing quality that you can’t define or articulate–you just like him. Like Dr. Drew or Meredith Vieira. Danny didn’t have it. You liked him because he sang well but it didn’t make you want to buy his album because that would mean committing to him as a person. Andrew Garcia I predict is going to go very far in this competition. I hope his next song choice is an acoustic version of Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On.” He’d kill it.

Our resident naive country girl (a position previously held by Carrie Underwood who, when asked if she had seen any stars since arriving in Hollywood responded “no, it’s been pretty cloudy”) Vanessa Wolfe was sent back to Vonore, Tennessee after the first round. During her montage they played “New Slang” by The Shins. Isn’t that a little too hipster for her story? Save The Shins for the contestant who thinks a fedora and black skinny jeans is an original look. I really don’t want to use the word hick because I don’t mean to be hurtful so I’m just going to let you interpret the following ellipsis how ever you like. I mean the girl calls her mom “mama”…

The final two performances of the night were both incredible and featured contestants I hope meet Andrew Garcia in the top 12. The first was Didi Benami who was immediately forgiven for singing a Kara DioGuardi song because of how well she sang it. Normally I hate it when the judges give generic feedback like “I could see you making a record.” I always think, really? Because the pop music genre is so small and defined I’m surprised you can find a place for this young, attractive person. But that is exactly what I thought with Didi. She has a voice and a tone (high five Kara!) that is beautiful to listen to. I would ask that she not wear hot pink tights in the next round. Because she’s not a 14 year old attempting to follow trends from two years ago. The second performance was given by Crystal Bowersox, a single mom with a dream. If she wins, her Lifetime made for TV movie can be the sequel to Fantasia’s. Unimportant observation I would like to share: in the picture of her baby boy I realized that he is a dead ringer for Mikey from Look Who’s Talking. Get on Facebook kid you’re only a couple of days late for Doppleganger week! Crystal sang “Natural Woman” which is actually one of my favorite performances from season 1 performed by Kelly Clarkson. So girl you are in good company. I imagine Crystal making it to the top 12. What I am most curious about with this one is what the Hollywood machine will do to her. No one loves a pop-star-ready makeover more than American Idol.

Tomorrow night Hollywood week continues with the dreaded group performances. You can’t find more crying on television than during this episode. This should appall us. But it doesn’t, so we watch.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: You’re having your reunion this weekend?  I wish I had a Princeton reunion right about now.  Wipe that smug smile off Michelle Obama’s face.