Life is like TV. Testing tells us that people like weddings, births and episodes where a character dies.

Dear Tina,

Well we knew it had to end sometime. No longer will we cap off our Tuesday nights with cheeky dialogue and flirty musical numbers. Starting next week our options will be cut down from the greatest new show of the 2009-2010 television season to repeats of NCIS and two-hour long episodes of Hell’s Kitchen. Tonight the season finale of Glee aired on FOX and while I am still waiting for Ryan Murphy to supply his audience with a Groff/Michele duet that leaves Lionel Richie out of the equation, he still managed to fill us with boundless excitement for the show’s return next fall; an eagerness that will only be reinforced with each passing week as we trod our way through Gordon Ramsay challenging his contestants to make spaghetti with marinara sauce.

A lot was at stake tonight. A shot at the Regionals trophy. Relationships on the brink of ending or beginning. Babies coming out of wombs. And on top of all that, Jonathan Groff taught me that if I ever met a man with hair like his, I would be hard-pressed to turn down a marriage proposal. Your effort has been duly noted Ryan Murphy. Noted, and greatly appreciated. Let’s take a look.

The episode begins with the news that Coach Sue Sylvester will be one of the judges at the upcoming Regionals competition. While Will sees this as a manipulation on Sue’s part to take down the glee club, Sue informs him that it is her celebrity that landed her the gig and his assertion that she will not play by the rules is unwarranted. “You leaked our set list at Sectionals!” “I have no memory of that.” When the news spreads to the students, they get into a funk so deep not even a reprise of “Give up the Funk” complete with brightly colored costumes and freestyle dancing can carry them forward. At the first annual Regionals set list selection night (hosted by Mr. Schuester at his home–bordering on inappropriate), the club gloomily declares defeat. An evening that was supposed to be dedicated to reconciling their eclectic discography into one cohesive, ensemble based routine, becomes a cry fest with the losers saying goodbye to the popular kids who they know will go back to ignoring them come Monday morning. Hmm where have I seen this before? “You’re such a bitch Claire.” “Why? For telling the truth?!”  Though I haven’t been the biggest supporter of Tina because I find she tends to suck the life out of her scenes with her unimaginative interpretation of the script (too harsh?), she struck a chord with me when she said being part of something special makes you special. Whether or not the rest of the world thinks they’re lame, performing arts extracurriculars give many students an identity, something to embrace as part of their high school experience that is unique to most others’. Even if you have to twist your best friend’s arm to convince her to come support you, there is something special about taking part in something most people would never dare try.

Of course all of this emotion puts Mr. Schuester into a tizzy and he goes to the office of the one woman who always knows just what to say. Former love interest, still virgin, guidance counselor Emma Pillsbury reminds Will that the feeling of doing something you love is way more important than winning or losing, a principle he himself had been drilling into the students’ heads all year long. Whether it was her sage advice or the superfluous amount of bows on her ensemble that opened his eyes, Will tells Emma that he misses her. Unfortunately Emma has moved on and is currently seeing her dentist, Carl Howell. To be played by John Stamos in season 2. The only cliffhanger here is how many episodes do I have to wait until Brittany refers to him as Uncle Jesse. I hope none.

A depressed Will manages this bevy of emotions with a long drive, unbothered by the fact that a portion of his car is scraping against the pavement causing a continuous line of sparks to follow his path. He turns on the radio and finds “Don’t Stop Believin” by Journey. Hey! That’s the song from the pilot! Rather than handling this coincidence like a man, like Jerry Maguire did when “Free Fallin'” came on the radio, Will breaks down and cries. And because it’s Glee and it is always Will’s responsibility to decide the theme for the week, his lady tears are followed by an epiphany. New Directions will present a medley of Journey for the Regionals competition. Because they’ve gone on a journey. “Because who cares what happens when we get there when the getting there has been so much fun.” God, what I wouldn’t give to be a part of this show.

Shortly before this, Finn finds Rachel in the hallway and tells her that as the self-appointed leader, the glee club needed her that night at Mr. Schuester’s to inspire them and instead all she did was wallow. She could have taken this opportunity to break into “Mr. Big Stuff ” by Jean Knight but instead she went the more positive route and sealed the moment with a kiss. And we had our first glimpse at what Finn and Rachel might be like as a couple if she can manage to leave her kitty themed his and hers calendars at home.

At Regionals, we are introduced to the panel of judges which includes local news anchor Rod Remington, Olivia Newton John, Josh Groban, and of course internationally ranked cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester. So obviously the theme was people who think they’re celebrities. New Directions will be competing against hot shots Vocal Adrenaline and the lesser known Aural Intensity who will be presenting a mash up of Olivia Newton John and Josh Groban songs. You  can’t write this stuff! Oh wait, they did.

When it comes time for New Directions to perform, Finn and Rachel anxiously wait outside the auditorium for their entrance. Standing in front of separate doors, Finn seizes this opportunity to come over and tell Rachel that he loves her. Of course this only fueled the joy we were already going to experience when the two came out singing “Faithfully,” not to mention the fact that they fulfilled a life long fantasy I have of proclaiming my love for someone in song form and have their response be of the musical variety as well. The Journey medley was an enormous success as it featured lots of sky reaching and even more sympathetic smiles to the kid in the wheelchair. If they didn’t prove themselves to be the most talented, they still stood out as the group you would most hope to befriend. Never underestimate how far congeniality can take you. Just ask Julia Roberts, $20 million a film later.

Oh and look Quinn’s mom is in the audience! Quinn’s mom approaches Quinn after the performance and tells her she has left her father and regrets ever abandoning her pregnant teenage daughter. This would have been a great time for Quinn to really let her mom have it and say something like “Mercedes is a better mother to me than you ever were! You don’t even know!” but instead her water broke and she gave birth.

While Quinn was delivering her baby, they continued to cut back to Vocal Adrenaline’s performance of “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen. Now I’m too dense to understand the possible metaphor or symbolism that was being created while Quinn screamed “Mama!” and Jonathan Groff harmonized “Mama” but either way it was a nice way to make the end of Quinn’s pregnancy realistic with the physical labor yet still musical. Brava.

Speaking of Vocal Adrenaline’s performance, it was out of this world. Maybe it was Ryan Murphy’s realization that if they were to win Regionals in season one, he wouldn’t have anywhere to go in season two and eventually he’d just give the lead men breast cancer to stir up some drama like he did in Nip/Tuck. But I hope that the conversation in the writers room focused more on the fact that Vocal Adrenaline has been presented as this unstoppable force, turning out pitch perfect performances year after year, and it’s going to take more than a group of misfits with big dreams to bring them down. Everyone loves an underdog but realistically, the arrangement, choreography, and production values that Vocal Adrenaline put out were in an entirely different league than either of the performances that preceded them at Regionals. They can’t lose just because Rachel became a more generous person and shared her “Don’t Stop Believin” solo with Santana and Kurt.

Now Sue Sylvester is anything but predictable these days, so it should have been, well, predictable, that when it came time for the judging, it wouldn’t be quite so easy for Sue to declare New Directions the losers. As soon as Olivia Newton John began her tirade about how being underprivileged or underfunded is no excuse for giving a cliche performance led by a brunette. Suddenly Sue finds herself in a position of defending New Directions, reminding ONJ that they’re just kids who don’t deserve this harsh ridicule. Like when you’re complaining to your friends about your family and suddenly they agree with you and start citing their own examples of how awful they think they are. Everyone knows only family can denigrate family. No one wants an outsider chiming in, not even Sue. Does this mean that Sue will officially become an outspoken supporter of the glee club? I imagine not. And why would we want that? Where would the laugh lines be if we didn’t have her comparing Will’s hair to a briar patch?

In the end, Vocal Adrenaline won Regionals and New Directions failed to place. Rachel appealed to her birth mom Idina Menzel to join New Directions in the fall as co-vocal coach but she declined because she was done with show choirs and needed to focus more of her attention on the baby she just adopted. From Quinn. This could be a point of conflict next season for Rachel but because it involves a guest star, I imagine that the writers actually thought they were tying the ends together nicely, giving it a sentimental Juno ending. Since New Directions returned home without a trophy, the club was supposed to be disbanded. As a thank you for the time they had together, they sang an awful song dedicated to Mr. Schuester. A note to Ryan Murphy for future seasons: even if the lyrics perfectly sum up a scene, don’t use a song that is on par with “True Colors” as the most bland song ever to be written. Then Sue goes to Principal Higgins and demands that the glee club be funded for another year. Everyone cheers and Mr. Schuester sees this as an excuse to take out his ukulele.

It seems unlikely that in its first season, Glee was able to deliver the standard 22 episode requirement of a network television series, considering the four month hiatus it was forced to go on. But then we remember that the pilot episode aired in May of 2009 so this truly has been an extended process, a labor of love for those of us who have followed it from the beginning. But with its conclusion I am reminded of one of the things I love most about television. The anticipation of a new season. Where do they go from here? What will they sing while they get there? Will Idina Menzel really keep the name Beth for her new baby? Because, ick.

Mr. Murphy, I await with bated breath.

Brittany Line of the Night:

Though Brittany was given a few lines of dialogue, none of them held a candle to our expectations. As I said last week, I am beginning to sense some conflict with this segment. Either Ryan needs to keep more of a spotlight on Brittany or I’m going to have to change this to the more generic “Line of the Night.” Let’s hope for the former. Tonight, I have two solutions. The first, similar to the week NPH was on, I give you Line of the Night from another guest starring blonde. This week, Olivia Newton John:

When Josh Groban was their age he was already in the Mickey Mouse Club…or something.

The second, and more entertaining solution, is a compilation of Brittany’s best material from season one. You’re welcome:

Song of the Night:

Faithfully by Journey

By now I’ve said almost too much of what I needed to say but this song to me was the best example of how far this group has come. When we first saw Finn and Rachel sing a duet accompanied by half as many students in episode one, it was fun and all but it lacked the emotion we saw tonight that came out of a true appreciation for the ways in which every individual has inspired the whole. It was impeccably sung as always but it also gave us the kind of resolution we wanted, to know that this group was bigger and better than any one competition. It felt like they all really had something on the line, something to prove, and had you been in the audience for the live performance, it could have easily brought you to tears.

Keep it up.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Dr. Spaceman: You know what, I’ll just remember it’s the opposite of what they say.
Milton: I’d really be more comfortable if you rewrote the forms.
Dr. Spaceman: No I’ll remember. Opposite! Opposite! Opposite!

They did warn me those diet pills were mood altering.

Dear Tina,

Like most people, I am not immune to falling into a bit of a sour mood from time to time. Whether it’s a generic issue like misplaced keys or an issue that clashes specifically with my personality, like getting caught driving behind a Prius, my blood begins to boil and I just can’t help the fact that, until I’m ready to get over myself, I’m going to be a little bit crabby. Such was the issue for the kids on tonight’s episode of Glee. With Regionals only a month away, Vocal Adrenaline decides to pay a visit to New Directions in an attempt to assure the competition of their superior talent (It’s just like the Sharks and the Jets! With just as much song and dance!). Despite all the chat room buzz that they’ve lost a step this year, Vocal Adrenaline gives a performance filled with precise choreography, pitch perfect vocals and…Jonathan Groff?! Saboteur! In a plot twist that appears to be missing some exposition, Jonathan Groff’s character Jesse St. James has crossed party lines once again, breaking his word and Rachel’s heart.

What is interesting about this choice is that while it piles on a new heap of drama just in time for the season finale, it doesn’t actually seem to be cohesive with the Jesse St. James story line. The last time we saw Jesse, he had forgiven Rachel for using him in her video scheme and admitted to his coach that he was beginning to develop real feelings for her. Then suddenly he claims that he never felt accepted by New Directions. Their unwillingness to listen to his “superior ideas” just didn’t sit right with him and he had no choice but to return to where he was appreciated. It felt a little bit like the writers momentarily forgot Jonathan Groff was only a guest star and they only had two episodes left to write him out of the glee club/off the show. So let’s just pretend like somewhere in there they wrote an episode that gave validity to his claims of social exile and move forward.

Performing “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen, Jesse’s stage leaps and overall handsomeness successfully strip New Directions of their positive attitude and the group spirals into a deep, unforgiving funk. Which brings us to tonight’s theme! Funk! How do you do it Ryan Murphy? The episode didn’t have the strength of some of its recent predecessors but one could hardly call it disappointing. Let’s take a look.

After seeking the advice of former McKinley High choir director Sandy Ryerson, Mr. Schuester comes to glee rehearsal and encourages the dispirited bunch not to let Vocal Adrenaline get the best of them. Why? Because Vocal Adrenaline’s talent isn’t quite as expansive as they would like you to believe. Apparently the one music genre they were never able to master was Funk music, and so this week’s assignment is to prepare a Funk number that will rank high on the intimidation scale. In a rather cocky move, Mercedes tells the group “you guys can relax, I got this one covered.” But, strident as ever, Quinn protests that she wants to get funky too. Laughing off Quinn’s request, braggy show Mercedes condescendingly reminds Quinn that white people cannot pull off Funk music. But Quinn won’t accept such “racism” and, promising to have something prepared by the next day, Quinn is finally given a platform to express how she has struggled with the Mid-West judgement of her teen pregnancy.

So while Mr. Schuester is trying to muster all of this positive energy within glee club in order for his students to have the self-esteem they need to perform well at Regionals, in walks the boulder to his Sisyphus, Sue Sylvester. Sue, who has her own National Championships coming up that weekend, assures Will that he and his students don’t stand a chance and their upcoming loss will put an end to Glee club once and for all, allowing her to fulfill a year-long goal of converting their rehearsal space into an official Cheerios trophy annex. Seems like an airtight plan especially considering Will’s general passivity when it comes to Sue’s wrath, but this time things are different. This time Will is going to put on his aggressor pants and show Sue what he’s made of. And he’s not going to stop at throwing one of  her trophies against the wall (although that was pretty awesome). When an unassuming Sue finds Will alone in the choir room later in the evening, she is perplexed by Will’s sudden graciousness and admiration for her talent. Asking for a winner’s perspective on a song he’s working on, Will breaks out into “Tell Me Something Good” by Rufus and Chaka Khan, wearing jeans that could only be tighter if they were made for ladies. Her ability to feel is beginning to seep into areas of her body she’s never experienced before (below the neck) and when Will eventually asks her out to dinner, she throws on a string of pearls and a freshly pressed track suit and eagerly awaits his arrival at a restaurant that either serves breadsticks or is named Breadsticks. Now we see why Sue so rarely breaks her icy exterior because when she does she makes herself vulnerable to the obvious manipulation of Will’s courtship. When he doesn’t show up, she goes to his apartment and during their confrontation tastes the bitterness of her own medicine: “You meddled around in my marriage. You terrorize the glee club. You continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma [remember her?]. I tried playing nice but nothing seems to work with you. Cruelty was the only way to get your attention.” Point, Schuester. Although I have to say, there is nothing I hate more than watching a person make another feel stupid for their own gain. Especially in a dating situation. Yeesh, it’s hard enough, save me your lessons.

Back at school, after the third or fourth distraught Cherrio Will sees in the hall, he goes to Kurt to find out the source of the drama. Turns out, Coach Sue has made herself a hostage in her own home after pulling out of Nationals and refusing to come to school due to the humiliation Will put her through. While she may not need anymore trophies, she has a handful of students relying on the National Championship in order to receive their college scholarships. So Will visits her at home, which looks like a hoarder robbed a chain of trophy stores, and reminds her how much the Cheerios need her. She laments about being alone and how her desperation led her to pursue the man she loathes the most. Will apologizes for acting out of anger and talks Sue out of bed and back into the competition. Which she of course wins. For the sixth year in a row. And if you’re worried that from this point forward, we’ll only be seeing this softer side of Sue that cuddles her trophy as if it were a male companion, you would be mistaken. Next week she reveals she was selected to be a judge at Regionals and her intentions are merciless.

The time comes for Quinn’s Funk number and although her Harvey Milk-esque pre-performance speech did seem a touch inappropriate in tone, “Hearing people call you fat. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you have to stop. And hold that precious life and say ‘NO.'”, Quinn reined it back in for a fighter’s performance of “It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by James Brown. In the number, she is accompanied by her friends from the Unwed Mothership Connection who dance behind her with their pregnant bellies and offer back-up vocals in the style of Lamaze breathing. While I understand that part of Glee‘s charm is the off-kilter blend of reality and absurdity, I found the decision to use the pregnant dancers distracting in a way that discredited Quinn’s emotions. Part of what makes Glee such a brilliant show is its ability to discern when to push and when to hold back. When to crack a joke, and when to let the audience stew in the tension of a sincerely dramatic moment. If Quinn had given a completely solo performance it would have been much more effective in reminding the audience how scared and alone a teenager must feel going through such an adult experience. Instead, they staged the number so that the focus was always drawn to the pregnant bellies themselves, rather than the expressions of the women managing this strain. In the end, they only seemed to succeed at making the way too general point, “Ef you, being pregnant is hard!” That number was filled with potential and I’m afraid they went down the wrong path.

Through all of this, the one crucial story element that has gone undiscussed is poor Rachel’s heartbreak. Jesse’s decision to return to Vocal Adrenaline without just cause has shaken her to the core. “I want him to be eaten by a lion!” While the others were discouraged by Vocal Adrenaline’s performance, Rachel was the only one who really had something at stake here. She lost who she thought was the love of her life. Her agitation and listlessness is befitting for a recently dumped high schooler, but more on target was her unapologetic enthusiasm for the small glimmer of hope that this was all a big misunderstanding when Jesse calls her and asks that she meet him in the parking lot. You don’t need to be familiar with the John Hughes anthology to know that no good can come from such a phone call and sure enough as soon as she reaches him, out come the other members of Vocal Adrenaline throwing raw eggs at her. Jesse shows signs of hesitation before he cracks an egg on her forehead which should make for a spectacular conclusion to this complex relationship next week during the season finale. I checked the song list and there appears to be no duet between the two so…fix that.

In other news, Puck and Finn got a job at Sheets ‘N Things under the management of Will’s ex-wife Terri in order to pay for the costs of slashing the tires on Vocal Adrenaline’s fleet of Land Rovers. This entire situation would have gone unnoticed had it not involved Puck playing the acoustic guitar and sing-rapping “Loser” by Beck. Great choice.

The episode concluded with that number we saw them practicing when they were on Oprah, “Give Up The Funk” by Parliament. With Vocal Adrenaline sitting in the audience, New Directions brings the free-spirited Funk that Mr. Schuester had been encouraging them to find within themselves all week long. At first I wasn’t blown away by the performance but now I recognize the intimidation factor of a group that can make a musical experience both precise and personal. Vocal Adrenaline doesn’t stand a chance. I might bring a homemade sign to the finale viewing to show my support.

Brittany Line of the Night:

She didn’t have any! AGAIN! Although the decision for her to wear the top of her cheerleading uniform backwards during Sue’s hiatus was perfect, I am beginning to recognize the flaw in having a segment dedicated to a character that is still listed under “guest starring” in the opening credits. Rather than giving the line of the night to someone else like I did last time, I’m going to give it to every single one of Brittany’s facial expressions throughout the season and hope that Ryan Murphy allows her to go out with a bang next week.

Song of the Night:

Give Up The Funk by Parliament.

As I stated above, this number didn’t exactly grab me at first but upon a second and third viewing, I have a new appreciation for what it accomplished. It highlighted how special this menagerie of characters is and proved the point that at the end of the day, there is no fun to be had in a group of “soulless automatons.” Singing and dancing are intended to be forms of expression and if you can exude the joy you feel while performing than the audience isn’t going to care about the uniformity of your movement or costumes. It was a moment for the glee club to come together, for everyone to be the star of the performance, and show Vocal Adrenaline that they no longer have the control to funkify their confidence. See you punks at Regionals.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: I was arrested once in Germany for public nudity. I thought it was a topless beach; it was a shipyard.

Well, you know, relationships end. People move on.

Dear Tina,

Alright so here we go. American Idol aired their ninth season finale this week and it was, without a doubt, one of the most withered ends to one of the most mediocre seasons in the show’s history. Take it back you say? I can’t. Let’s get the rehashing of the performances over with first considering they were probably the six least significant moments of the two day, three hour finale.

Following suit with seasons past, each contestant was asked to sing three songs. I was really counting on the producers bringing back the boxing theme from season seven as it was so wonderfully awkward to see David Archuleta giggle his way through pretend jabs at David Cook, but alas this final performance episode had no room for such horseplay.

After a diplomatic coin toss last week (wow, this really is like the Super Bowl for karaoke), Crystal elected to go second. A smart move considering history shows that this decision has no bearing on whether you win or lose. I find that it’s nice to get it over with but I guess for me that applied more to performing ill-prepared monologues in college where as these two actually have something at stake. Eh.

Round 1: Favorite Performance of the Season

Lee DeWyze, The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. I suspect there are restrictions on choosing a song from just last week for your favorite song of the season. Otherwise, there is no reason why Lee would not have chosen “Hallelujah.” The vocal on this felt a little desperate. Like Lee knew the stakes were high so he had to make the song sound more impressive or challenging than when he first performed it. Not a great interpretation of the category when the way you sang it the first time is what garnered such positive feedback. Kara suggested he should have “punched harder” followed by examples of what punching looks like. Simon told Lee that he expected more passion and excitement. “That was a kiss on the cheek when I want a kiss on the lips.” Insert squeals from Seacrest.

Crystal Bowersox, Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. This song was also my favorite of Crystal’s from the season. It came at a time when she seemed to understand the unspoken rule of humbleness when speaking to the judges. Crystal certainly took the prize for this round, reminding the audience what a unique character she has brought to a competition that has really lacked dimensionality in terms of contestants the past few seasons. Randy thought it was dope (good one) and Kara told her she had fire in her belly tonight. Are you calling me fat? Simon declared that with that performance the competition had begun, adding “That was great.” No you are!

Round 2: Executive Producer Simon Fuller’s choice

Lee DeWyze, Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. Great song choice for Lee but I have noticed that Simon Fuller always picks a song that the contestant basically already did. Talk about playing it safe. A gospel choir made an appearance for the performance. What is this, Clay Aiken singing Bridge Over Troubled Water? They should have used a bagpiper instead. It would have felt much more personal. Randy said that he could feel that Lee that he loves by the end. Kara told him that it wasn’t the best vocal but that he is so emotionally accessible and “I love that about you.” Yeah, I’ll give you that. Simon, acting as the stern father he never got to be, told Lee “I want a 10 out of 10 because you’re capable of that.” Yes sir. Lee proceeded to walk off the stage to Charlie Brown’s gloomy theme music.

Crystal Bowersox, Black Velvet by Alannah Myles. Is it just me or could you have sworn that this song was by someone more famous? Anyway, one thing I have always resented American Idol for is making their contestants do things for staging purposes that clearly have no relation to the contestant’s personality or natural rhythm. For example, making Crystal walk down the stairs sans guitar, avec sky high heels. It’s the biggest night of her life, coordination is the last thing she should have to manage. Randy had momentary “that was hot!” turrets, repeating this “analysis” a couple of times before passing it over to Ellen. Simon complained that after nine years of hearing that song (we miss you Kimberly Caldwell!) he is practically allergic to it. But in his very Simon way of complaining before praising, he continued on, saying, “You took the song and you absolutely nailed it…REALLY good.” I can’t remember if there was a wink but even if there wasn’t those words would have had me floating up to the high heavens.

Round 3: Single to be Released

Lee DeWyze, Beautiful Day by U2. Hold up. Why on Earth is the song they are potentially releasing to the radio a cover song? What stations are supposed to play it? Top 40? In all my time spent in the car listening to the radio, I have never heard an identical cover of a hit from 2000 coming in after a Black Eyed Peas song. This does not bode well. The performance was Lee’s strongest of the night but still not his best of the season and he really needed that. Maybe it was the metallic hoodie he was wearing that distracted him. Ellen commended him for being fully present and said she loved that he could get to that place for the song. Kara felt like he had gotten swallowed by the song but that his journey and growth on the show earned him the right to be standing where he was. By the finale I think the judges really come alive with the most grandiose comments they can think of, whether they’re deserved or not. I loved what Simon said when he reminded all of us that “this show is about giving someone a break.” And I fell in love with it and him all over again. Simon told Lee that “I genuinely wish the best for you” and Lee assured us that no matter what, he will be doing this for the rest of his life. So, your hearts can rest easy tonight Mount Prospect.

Crystal Bowersox, Up to the Mountain by Patty Griffin. Seriously, you want this song on the radio? Right after “Can’t Be Tamed” by Miley Cyrus? Ok. I suspect the producers just got worried that Kara was going to volunteer to write the winner’s song again (Just when you almost gave up on your dreams/They take you by the hand and show you that you can — never again Kara). I actually liked her performance. Speaking to the evening as a whole, Crystal was the clear winner and I think proved herself to be a much more artistic singer than Lee. Ellen said she was in a league of her own. And she was. Crystal was a game changer and opened this competition up to so many more talented singers out there who never would have thought to audition the same way Chris Daughtry did for rockers four years ago. Kara reminisced about Crystal spending much of the season with her walls up: “I couldn’t see what was going on inside you and tonight that’s all I could see.” Oh Kara, sometimes you say things that make me regret being so hard on you. That was insightful. Simon reminded the audience that this was going to be his last critique ever and for that reason, succinctly put, “That was outstanding.”

After the final judging Ryan came out and asked Crystal if she was beside herself with those comments. “Actually, I’m beside Ryan Seacrest right now.” Aaaaand, you just cost yourself the win. I warned you.

So because of the standard three round circus seen on Tuesday, Idol producers decided to seize the opportunity to shake things up on night two and have the two hour long season finale, for the first time ever, have nothing to do with the two contestants competing for the title. I think I saw less of Lee and Crystal Wednesday night than I did during the Chicago auditions. The night was really about what the show has been about all season, the judges. One judge in particular of course, Simon Cowell who bid us farewell in the only way he knew how: with 80% of his shirt unbuttoned.

For the historic event, they allowed onto the stage every singer with an album to promote as well as every singer or band that had an album to promote in 1976. All of these performances were blended with vocals from various combinations of Idol’s Top 12. I was most upset about the decision to have the Top 6 girls do a Christina Aguilera medley. By that point we knew any song performed by the Idols was going to lead to an introduction of the original artist so to have to sit through Lacey Brown and Siobhan Magnus emote their way through Beautiful knowing Christina was about to come out and slash their dreams with her vocal runs was downright depressing. Michael Lynche returned after spending a solid thirty seconds with his newborn daughter and performed “Taking It To The Streets” with Michael McDonald. Was Paul Anka not available for the biggest night in music television? I think this quote from one of my favorite movies of all time sums up my feelings on this decision pretty nicely:

I would rather watch “Beautician and the Beast”. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear “Yah Mo B There” one more time, I’m going to “Yah Mo” burn this place to the ground.

Janet Jackson was given approximately 45 minutes to sing complete with a coat that kind of looked like pants and later a unitard.

Casey James was given a solo performance but as soon as he started strumming that guitar and singing the opening lyrics to “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” I knew what was coming. “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME BRETT MICHAELS!” AHHHHHHH. It was the best part of the night. He’s such a survivor. It made me briefly consider sending in an audition tape for the next season of Rock of Love but knowing me I would show up wearing a turtleneck from J. Crew and this would be my competition:

So I’m putting that plan on the back burner for now.

The final tribute to Simon started with a special appearance from Paula Abdul and it made me sincerely nostalgic for the days when Idol still felt like a family and not an enterprise. And Ryan Seacrest had highlights. Though Paula’s inability to form a coherent sentence reminded me of how nice it would have been to have DVR back in those glory days, you could feel how much the audience missed her and how second rate Kara and Ellen were feeling. Sorry bout it.

After a multitude of montages involving horrific acting on behalf of Randy Jackson and more than one shot of the staged make out between Simon and Paula back in season 2 or 3, the musical tribute began. Kelly Clarkson came out singing “Together We Are One” followed by Reuben “I’m a Vegan now” Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, and just when you thought they didn’t invite Taylor Hicks, out he came as well. Kris Allen finished out the winner’s circle, confirming that David Cook did indeed decline to come. That’s ok because David Archuleta was granted permission to stay up past his bed time and led the pack of other former Idol contestants on stage to join in on the performance. It was a fitting moment for a man that truly changed the lives of all these aspiring singers as well as the face of television as a whole.

I’m already missing him and with his departure from American Idol, I now turn my full attention to The X-Factor. See you in September Simon.

Oh, and Lee won. He was pretty happy about it.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Why would Jack just assume we’re lesbians.
Gretchen: I am a lesbian.
Liz: Hmm, that’s awesome.

Drama is like gay-man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.

Dear Tina,

This wouldn’t be the first time I mention to you that in life I definitely lean far to the left on the under/over dramatic spectrum. Can you even be underdramatic? I just can’t imagine going through life without making as much commotion as possible. So piled on top of my already existing excitement over the new episode of Glee on Tuesday, I did a half-assed cartwheel when I discovered this week’s theme would be theatricality sponsored by Lady Gaga. For the record, I cannot do a cartwheel due to my experience as a kindergartner in ballet class when the teacher made me cry for my lack of body coordination. The episode was filled with laughter, tears, and a wardrobe that put Glee in the running for Best Costumes at the Emmys. The recipient of this award should be Lady Gaga.

The root cause of this theatrical explosion was Tina getting called into the principal’s office (accompanied by Mr. Shuester — always) and being reprimanded for her goth look. Principal Figgins appears to have confused other students’ passion for Twilight as a Vampire epidemic and therefore all looks and styles that resemble vampires are banned from the school. Mr. Schuester tries to remind Figgins that vampires are not, in fact, real and Tina defends that her black garb has nothing to do with such a fad: “My mom won’t even let me watch Twilight…she thinks Kristin Stewart seems like a bitch.” She does. Your mother is a wise woman. Suspension is put on the table and if you know the glee kids the way I like to think I do, a lyrical protest is already in the works. At glee practice, Rachel enters in a fury to announce that while she was snooping around the dumpsters outside Vocal Adrenaline’s rehearsal space, she discovered evidence that led her to believe they were doing an homage to Lady Gaga for regionals. All the women in the room and Kurt know that this means the bar has been raised and it is covered in red Chantilly lace. Deemed by Kurt as “the most theatrical performer of our generation,” a lightbulb goes off in Schuester’s head and, in an unnecessary explanation due to its obviousness, he decides that this week’s assignment is Gaga. Insert bubble dress. Insert joy.

Back in spy mode, Rachel, Quinn, and Mercedes stealthily enter the auditorium where Vocal Adrenaline is rehearsing (“Your shoes are making noise!). After a disappointing run through of their Lady Gaga, Vocal Adrenaline’s coach asks her students to sit down so she can “show them how it’s done.” Briefly, I would like a moratorium on any character on Glee using the excuse “let me show you how it’s done” to break out into song. It’s too easy. I am mainly speaking to Mr. Schuester on this issue. Anyway, as Idina (I don’t care much to refer to her as her character’s name. Not with a name like Idina) begins to sing “Funny Girl” from Funny Girl, Rachel instantly recognizes the voice as the voice on the cassette from her mother.  Rachel finds herself physically drawn to this woman, revealing her presence and announcing right as the song ends, “I’m your daughter.” Idina’s face in that moment had the perfect expression of “Oh eff, I don’t know if I really want this.” When they sit down to talk, it only takes a minute or two for Idina to realize how uncomfortable she is with this newfound relationship with her daughter. What she thought she always wanted, as it turns out, doesn’t exist. “This was supposed to feel good. We’re supposed to have some kind of slow motion run into each others’ arms.” Idina briskly tells Rachel she’ll call her and then bolts. I have a feeling this episode is not going to end with a musical tribute, performing “The Perfect Fan” by Backstreet Boys.

Among other familial drama, Kurt and Finn’s families have finally become one as Finn and his mom move into Kurt and his dad’s house. The prospect of sharing a room with Kurt is uncomfortable enough for Finn, but when he gets wind of Kurt’s redecorating plans he just about loses it. First he takes it out on Lady Gaga, going to Mr. Schuester and telling him he doesn’t think it’s fair that the guys always have to do what the girls want to do in glee club. Always the sympathetic ear, Mr. Schuester suggests Finn and the men (minus Kurt) find a solution. He and the men perform a pyrotechnic filled KISS spectacle, complete with the iconic hair and makeup and tongues. Artie wearing his glasses over his makeup and five inch platform shoes with his wheelchair is the kind of detail oriented design I have long admired in Glee. Unfortunately Finn’s rededication to his masculinity came to a halt when he returned home to his shared bedroom and discovered Kurt had turned it into a hookah bar sponsored by Pier 1 Imports. Finn finally confronts Kurt with the laundry list of things Kurt does that makes him uncomfortable, all leading up to the dropping of the dreaded gay f bomb when describing Kurt’s lamp choice. Burt enters in rage, “WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HIM?”, and Finn shrivels to the size of a child who just got caught coloring on the walls. The actor who plays Finn may be 28 in real life, but he nailed the teenager getting shut down by a parent. And in my own life experience, I can tell you nothing is more terrifying and nothing makes you more remorseful. In his speech, Burt explains with unexpected eloquence that Finn describing a throw pillow as faggy is as offensive as calling a student with down syndrome retarded:

You think I didn’t use that word when I was your age? Some kid gets clocked in practice we tell him to stop being such a fag, shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That it’s some kind of punishable offense. I really thought that you were different Finn.

I’m not one who needs convincing so I can’t comment on how effective this speech was to someone who is homophobic, but I do hope it called into question many an ignorant view. “This is our home, Kurt. This is my son.” At the risk of sounding trite, it was deeply moving.

Throughout the episode Kurt and Tina kept getting pushed into lockers by meathead jocks for their expressive costumes which all bordered very closely to a Saved by the Bell episode. In the end, Finn came to Kurt’s aid–finally in touch with his inner Gaga–dressed in red pleather from head to toe. When the entire glee club followed Finn in the confrontation and scared off the jocks (seriously, enter Zack Morris), it was then that Finn finally revealed the moral of the story to us, “We’re all freaks together and we shouldn’t have to hide it.” This was followed by a slow clap, which I hoped was a mocking gesture (as it always should be) from Sue Sylvester but it was just Schuester ending on an almost painful “gang’s all here!” note.

Other miscellaneous adventures include Rachel’s dads making her Lady Gaga costume, a collection of her childhood stuffed animals inspired by the Kermit the Frog look. Unfortunately the dads didn’t know how to sew so the stapled creatures kept falling off, leading Rachel to approach her mother and make a plea for her maternal skill set despite Idina’s previous “don’t call me, I’ll you call you” request.

The performance of “Bad Romance” by the ladies and Kurt was brilliant if only for the visual appetite it sated.

Puck telling Quinn he wanted to name the baby Jack Daniels and subsequently apologized via the KISS song “Beth.” Points for continuity when Finn looked on jealously as Puck told Quinn he thinks they should name the baby (that they’re not keeping) Beth.

Rachel’s dads named her Rachel because “They were big Friends fans.” Awesome.

Overall it was a solid episode that was heavy on story, light on musical resolutions. Which I happen to prefer. The end of the Kurt/Finn conflict really needed a song, rather than a brotherly jab to the arm as they walked down the hallway together. Maybe “You Learn” by Alanis Morissette or “A New Day Has Come” by Celine Dion? Would you like me to sit in on all future music meetings Ryan Murphy? Sure. Two more episodes left! Regionals are coming! Jonathan Groff is leaving! It’s all very overwhelming.

Brittany Line of the Night:

Girl was back and killing it.

Kurt: She changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.
Brittany: That’s true.

Song of the Night:

Poker Face by Lady Gaga.

It just wouldn’t be a worthy recap if I didn’t acknowledge this duet performed with just a grand piano by Idina and Rachel. As I said last week, you can’t really have Idina Menzel sing and expect her not to be the brightest shining star of the episode. When Idina comes to say goodbye to Rachel, Rachel is confused as to why she has grown passed needing the mother figure she always longed for. Idina explains, “It’s because I’m your mother. I’m not your mom.” Rachel makes a final request to fulfill her lifelong dream of singing with her mom. A strange choice for a mother-daughter duet, what with lyrics like “Bluffin’ with my muffin,” but it was a fun rendition that played well with the tone of the episode. Not to mention the fact that the two sounded incredible. But, duh. Thanks for spending time with us Idina. We’ll miss you.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

James Franco: Five dates a week, 1 fight a month, and because of a product placement deal with Jamba Juice, the fight will take place in a Jamba Juice.
Jenna: I love Jamba Juice!

Hey, threesome? How about it?

Dear Tina,

By the time the third contestant came round last night to perform, this trio officially marked season 9 American Idol: Acoustic-Off 2010. Seriously, in all nine seasons that I have diligently watched (except season 6 which, really, no one cared about), there has never been so much emotional guitar strumming. Granted, instruments have only been allowed to accompany the performers in the last couple of season, but still I don’t imagine, even if given the opportunity, Fantasia Barrino or Clay Aiken would have picked up an acoustic guitar to engage our hearts and capture our votes. We finally whittled our way down to the top 3 which should have meant less work for me but of course each contestant had to sing twice. The night was divided into two rounds, the contestants’ choice and the judges’ choice. In both instances Casey left his hair down and with that I knew his journey was over. That, and he performed poorly. Let’s take a look.

Round 1: Contestants’ Choice

Casey James, Ok, It’s Alright With Me by Eric Hutchinson. A song this obscure is truly only appropriate during the original audition when it doesn’t so much matter what you’re singing as it does what you sound like. Sure it would be nice if this competition were solely about singing talent but nothing about the entertainment industry is solely about talent. I mean, Ke$ha has the number 10 most purchased song of all time on iTunes. The other reason why I was disappointed Casey chose this song was because it invited the almost too predictable critique from Randy, “It’s like the song says, it was just aiight for me.” Ellen told Casey that this was the night he needed to bring something bigger and Simon said if he was having dinner, that was salad. No one loves a nice metaphor more than SC. Well, if we weren’t sure of your departure before the episode began, I’m afraid we are now. Someday Casey will wake up and realize that American Idol was, in fact, not a jam band competition.

Crystal Bowersox, Come Through My Window by Melissa Etheridge. Moving in the opposite direction of Casey who picked an artist best known for his work on the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 soundtrack, Crystal chose a song that fit her as an artist perfectly. When it came to the performance, however, there was a rushed quality to Crystal’s voice that seemed to take away from Melissa Etheridge’s raw sound. Also, her choice to include the harmonica in her instrumentation (and in her accessories) didn’t necessarily give her the edge, it just gave me anxious hoping she had enough breath at the end to even play it properly. But in spite of these really minor setbacks, Crystal played by the rules and proved herself a great artist doing so. She picked a song people wanted to hear her sing and though Simon criticized saying, “not the most stunning version of the song we’re ever going to hear,” he commended her for never compromising herself as an artist, “I have a lot of respect for you for that.” And from Simon, that’s all you really need.

Lee DeWyze, Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Suddenly this competition has become the Lee show, which is pretty incredible considering the memory of him singing “Fireflies” by Owl City during the top 24 is burned in my memory. In the bad way. The man has come a long way and I’m delighted he has because he is incredibly talented and believably humble. When he was finished, Randy channeled Oprah and shouted “SOMEBODY FEELS LIKE THEY COULD WIIIIIIINNNNN THHHIIIISSSSS! HERE COMES JOHN TRAVOLTAAAAA!” Hmm, actually now I can’t remember if he said that second part or not… Kara commended Lee for showing us “everything you’ve got” and awarded him champion of round 1. Simon, perking up for the first time since the show started, told him it was a brilliant song choice and that he had crushed the other two. He did. It was without a doubt the strongest performance of the round and the only song/arrangement that fit the performer and the circumstances of the evening. When asked why he chose that song, Lee said “When I play it I’m really happy to be playing it.” So, no points awarded for articulation.

Round 2: Judges’ Choice

Casey James, Daughters by John Mayer. Alright so Kara and Randy selected this song for Casey. Kara explained their her choice of song because she feels that Casey’s audience is women and girls and this was the perfect song because it speaks to them and he can show them his vulnerable side. And then in an overtly sexual way she added, “So give it to them.” First of all, drink every time Kara says vulnerable. Second of all, and I say this as a John Mayer fan, I hate this song. It should be put on reserve for brides not creative enough to come up with something more unique for their father/daughter dance. Final 3, final song? No, no. After the performance Simon criticized the song selection and said “…they’ve chosen a song where the climax is a quite limp guitar solo and I think I hold these two slightly responsible for not working with you harder to give you a much bigger vocal moment.” Kara of course interrupted him explaining that the notes of the song are all in the same range and the song is about the emotion more than the vocals. Simon tried his best to ignore this insufficient argument and continued to say, “The song didn’t have that wow factor.” And Kara retorted, “Because that’s the way it’s written!” THAT’S HIS POINT KARA, YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED A DIFFERENT SONG. Oh my gosh, I am not going to miss her after next week. Sorry Casey, you lost.

Crystal Bowersox, Maybe I’m Amazed by Paul McCartney. Honestly the biggest surprise of the evening for me was that Ellen was allowed to pick a song for one of the contestants by herself instead of Kara, the now two year veteran. That’s really neither here nor there because I suspect being partnered up with Randy is a lot like working by yourself anyway, but it turned out to be a good move on behalf of the producers because Ellen made an excellent choice for Crystal. Lightyears ahead of her first performance, Crystal reminded the audience how she got so far and even though she never got the memo about standing mute during the judging — save for one or two “thank you’s” — she is an amazing talent. One of the judges commented that she had used parts of her voice that they had never heard before that night. Again, this is the kind of wow factor and risk that Simon argued was missing from Casey’s performance. Simon told Crystal that she can thank Ellen next week for putting her in the final. WINK. Died.

Lee DeWyze, Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen/Jeff Buckley. I wrote earlier in the week that while I was at a party last Saturday, someone who attended Lee’s homecoming told me this was the song Simon chose for Lee. I don’t have any statistics to back this up but honestly “Hallelujah” has to be on the top 10 list of most covered songs of all time. So I was a little disappointed with Simon who clearly is as bored with American Idol as he seems to be. Well bite your tongue Catherine J. because Lee took this number and stole the show! It felt a little bit like he was on a different playing field than the other two, what with the gospel-esque choir behind him and the white lights recreating what heaven must be like if it is in deed, as I believe, a giant stage. Kara, bless her heart, summarized the performance and Lee’s journey the best: “Lee you are what this show is all about. Somebody who starts in one place and ends up here tonight in an incredible, epic moment. You are the heart of this show this season and you just owned the entire night.” Brava Kara, well put. Simon of course got all tingly and smiley because he once again had the best song selection of all the judges. He told him he was a fantastic singer and a great person and hoped he would return next week. If only he had demanded Lee shave that patch of grass under his chin.

One more week. Now that it’s almost over it seems to have gone by in an instant. It seems like just last week I was nervously shaking at the sight of Victoria Beckham’s skeleton during the very first audition episode. Casey was eliminated tonight. Not a surprise. I will miss the way his entire body stood stiff while he sang except for his head which just slightly shook back and forth. It reminded me of my neighbor from senior year of college whose body did the same thing when he was severely intoxicated. So check back in with me for the finale next week. I’ll try to post my thoughts on a day when people are actually still talking about it. And not three days later….eh, my b.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: I walked in your shoes today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I don’t think you did, sir. I’ve just got the one pair and I sleep in them.

It’s like jazz. Jazz that you can laugh at. Ah ha ha ha!

Dear Tina,

How much time do you think it would take for five people to perform songs with each one lasting no more than two and a half minutes? Well if you used your basic math skills you might guess seven and a half minutes. Well you would be wrong. It takes an hour. Last night I caught American Idol after it originally aired which turned out to be a good thing because while FOX dedicated an entire hour to the show, I managed to see everything I needed to see in approximately 23 minutes. It was Frank Sinatra night mentored by the wonderfully hilarious Harry Connick Jr. A genre that really doesn’t fit any singer other than Frank Sinatra, Frank Sinatra impersonators on America’s Got Talent, and Harry Connick Jr. It was a night of a lot of yeah-I-guess-that-was-good’s. Let’s take a look.

Aaron Kelly, Fly Me to the Moon. Well Aaron gets two points last night for wearing a suit vest, the first fitted article of clothing he’s worn all season. Apparently his dad ran out of leather jackets from the 1980s to borrow. When Aaron walked into his rehearsal, HCJ, as he will be known for the rest of this post, shouted “Big Mike!” Funny! I wish all mentors were musically and comedically talented. I may have actually listened to what Miley Cyrus had to say had she been even slightly more amusing than a cardboard cutout version of herself. After his performance, where he looked awfully serious considering you can’t get much more lighthearted than Sinatra, Randy reminded Aaron that they are at the stage in the competition where the judges really need to see who is in it to win it. Haven’t they been saying that since, like, the top 11? Anyway, Kara told Aaron he could stand to have a bit more charisma and needed to fill the stage with his presence. But observing his wilting body language she quickly adds, “This isn’t a negative, this is constructive criticism. Ok honey?” So actually it’s not constructive criticism, it’s condescending criticism. Also, supporting Aaron in the audience last night was the cast of Steel Magnolias. Or maybe just his mom and her friends. Hard to tell. He’ll be safe this week, I’m sure, but if he makes it to the top three I’m moving to Canada.

Casey James, Blue Skies. The ponytail was back so as far as I’m concerned he could have howled like an alley cat during his performance and I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Before cueing to his video package, Ryan sat with Casey on stage and once again made reference to Casey’s good looks and large female fan base. I honestly think Ryan gets more excited about Casey being a heart throb than Casey does. In an attempt to stray away from Ryan’s ogling, Casey told a story about his friend who called him up last week to see if he was available for a gig on Tuesday. So Casey’s inner circle is out of touch with mainstream culture. Shock. It’s not hard for me to imagine how Casey fits into a group like that. Sometimes I think Casey just stumbled onto this enormous platform, saw an audience, grabbed a guitar, shrugged and said “Alright, let’s tear it up!” When it came time to perform, a guitarless Casey struggled with how to make use of his mic-free hand. The poor guy needed a coffee mug to hold on to or something. The judges collectively disliked the performance mainly because he sung it poorly. Not a good sign. Considering he’s been in the bottom two for the past two weeks, and America seems to have an affinity for David Archuleta types, I’m afraid Casey’s time may have come.

Crystal Bowersox, Summer Wing. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching someone do something that was clearly not their idea and therefore they deliver the direction extremely awkwardly. Such was my experience watching Crystal sit next to HCJ at the start of her song and then stroke his arm like a middle schooler trying her hand at flirting for the first time. Crystal looked stunning in a strapless gown and thanks to the Idol makeover machine, they managed to almost completely mask her dreadlocks with a swanky up-do. Seriously if you were to do a screen split of Crystal at her audition and Crystal last night, you would have sworn it was two different people. Kind of like the before and after images of Heidi Montag during the current opening credits for The Hills—except not terrifying. During the judging there were a variety of synonyms for “meh” used to describe how the first three felt. So it was a relief when Simon’s turn came, who nailed the problem right on the head. As I mentioned last week, Crystal has a tendency to talk back to the judges when defending her selection and arrangement. Simon aptly reminded her that “It’s not about just singing for yourself anymore. It’s about using this opportunity to nail it week after week after week.” While I appreciate Crystal’s desire to express different sides of her musical ability, it’s still a competition and if you were a track star you wouldn’t jog during a sprint just to show people how versatile you are. Step it up.

Michael Lynche, The Way You Look Tonight. I’d like to refer back to a frequent criticism of Simon’s and that is to say someone or something was indulgent. Michael Lynche that hat you wore last night for Sinatra week was indulgent. I just…the hat, the vest, the wallet chain. It’s overkill. It’s like the American Idol equivalent of a “hottest bachelors” photo shoot where all the men are playing frisbee on the beach shirtless. Really Michael, you have swagger, I get it. His performance was solid and I think he has continued to prove that it wasn’t a total waste using the judges save on him a few weeks back. After he sang, Randy pulled out an old staple from his bag of acclamations with, “That’s what I’m talking about!” which is usually followed by a half-stand and a two-finger point at the contestant. Ellen praised him for being the most comfortable on stage and moving with the greatest ease of any of the five contestants left. A bit ironic considering his biceps are the size of Aaron Kelly sitting down so I wouldn’t call him limber, but nevertheless true. Michael won’t win the competition but it’s kind of fun to think back to the auditions and realize that a guy you never gave half a chance to is truly holding his own through the end.

Lee DeWyze, That’s Life. Old Blue Eyes anyone? Did he have a procedure done to make his eyes sparkle like that? I don’t know if anyone else caught this but when it cut to Lee right before the commercial break when he was up in the balcony he absolutely winked at the camera. Um, was that for votes? Because it worked. Well in my heart it worked, I didn’t actually make a call. HCJ referred to Lee as “a new and improved version of me” which I don’t really think is fair because were HCJ to knock on my door I wouldn’t turn him away hoping for someone younger. I’m just saying. After listening to the praise Michael Lynche received, I was struck by Lee’s stage presence, which reminded me of a college freshman giving a presentation in Speech Comm 100. Regardless, he sang the song phenomenally and may have officially jumped rank and become my first choice to win. Kara asked Lee, with the aggression of a schoolyard bully, “do you think you can win this??” Ahh yes just stop yelling at me! Simon spoke on behalf of the other judges for no other reason other than he can, and announced Lee’s performance the best of the night. Pretty nice except that such a grand compliment was attached to Simon reminding him that he had no one but HCJ to thank for that:”He brought out your personality, your confidence.” So Lee you may want to hire him as your permanent mentor. Or Usher. Your call.

We’re getting down to the wire. By the end of the month we’ll have our 9th idol to…idolize…for a few shorts weeks before they become the opening act for the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. Well in anticipation here’s hoping Kara isn’t responsible for writing the winner’s song this year. Save ourselves from another “You’ll make it through the pain/Weather the hurricanes/To get that one thing” travesty like last year. To get to that one thing, huh? I see specificity was never your forte Ms. DioGuardi.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Oh you idiot with your stupid face! You look like Gene Simmons had sex with a basset hound!

I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.

Dear Tina,

I’m not sure what my reputation was in high school. My graduating class was 992 so I imagine that a majority of those people didn’t really care what I was doing as they could the entire school year without even seeing me in the hall. I did have the unfortunate experience of having someone in my grade who had the same first and last name as me. This would have been a non-issue if she wasn’t also an active participant in the high school’s theatre department. Freshman year we both auditioned for The Miracle Worker and the Sunday before the cast list was posted, during a choral concert, my teacher came up to me and said “You know as teachers we get to see the list ahead of time.” Then she winked at me. Come Monday morning I find that my doppleganger was cast as Annie Sullivan and I was left off the list entirely. Now almost a decade later I have a degree in Acting without an intent to pursue the art so…I showed her. I mention this because in tonight’s episode of Glee, teachers and students alike struggled with how to control the way others perceive them, if they notice them at all. While Sue Sylvester and Mr. Schuester are devestated by the ridicule they are facing caused by a leaked home video and manwhoreishness respectively, most of the glee kids argue that it is better to be known for being bad than to have no reputation at all. As the tagline for the movie Chicago said, “Why be famous when you can be infamous?”

After Sue sends Kurt and Mercedes to her office to fetch a hormonal replacement something or other, the two discover a private video of Sue dancing to Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” in an uncharacteristically jovial fashion. When the two show some of the others in the choir room, Finn encourages them to put the video on YouTube for the entire school to see. With a little additional encouragement from Rachel’s senior boyfriend Jesse, “I’m with Finn. You guys need to stop being such asses and start being bad asses.”, the devious bunch uploads the footage and it goes viral. Immediately suspecting the glee kids, a humiliated Sue calls a meeting with the principal and Mr. Schuester demanding the suspension of the entire glee club. Normally a teacher’s hurt feelings would not be grounds for suspension but lucky for Sue, while strolling the halls, she came upon the grossly inappropriate Glist: a ranking of glee club members based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. It is quickly confirmed that it had to be written by someone in the club based on a piece of evidence involving a library password that didn’t really make sense. Either way, it is now up to Mr. Schuester to figure out who is behind the mess before everyone suffers the consequences.

Cue this week’s theme!  Find a song with a bad reputation and make it good again! Followed by a “think that sounds lame? Watch this!” moment brought to you by Matthew Morrison rapping his way through Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.” I tell you now, that song’s reputation is DOA. Even Ryan Murphy can’t save it. Still, encouraged by the assignment, a majority of the members take this as an opportunity to prove they are not who everyone thinks they are: Rachel is more desirable and Kurt and co. actually exist.

Alone in the choir room, Kurt, Mercedes, Artie, and Tina kvetch over the disappointing news that they weren’t even on the glist. It’s one thing to be ridiculed, it’s another to be forgotten altogether. Together with Brittany, who was on the glist but would like to see her ranking moved up a few notches and happened to be sitting in the choir room after taking all her antibiotics at once and forgetting how to leave, the group conceives a plan that will have the entire school talking. That’s the last time anyone is going to fail to judge them on their sexual appeal! Clad in parachute pants, they enter the library and stage a guerilla performance of MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.” They note the abundance of students in the library, a crucial element to their scheme, yet perform the entire thing to the librarian. Questionable. After a red herring of disgusted facial expressions, it turns out the librarian was quite pleased with the show and invites the group to perform it again at her church, the plan a total failure. As Kurt so aptly put, “We’re as menacing as muppet babies.”

Rachel, we have known from the beginning cares first and foremost about her career followed by her popularity in close second. Rachel was fortunate enough to make it on the glist, but not so pleased to learn that she was ranked last, earning a score of negative five. Rachel gets in touch with Artie and his friends in the audio visual department with plans to turn her “bad reputation” assignment into a video extravaganza featuring more screen wipes than you can imagine. Performing the 1970s song you love to hate, “Run Joey Run”, she prefaces her presentaton with the warning “I do realize that some of you are not well versed in the complex vocabulary of the filmic arts. I expect that this video will go over the heads of our less cultured teammates [cut to Brittany]…I hope you enjoy my bad reputation.” As the movie progresses we learn that she has cast Puck, Finn, and Jesse in the role of the male lead–a man desparately in love with the female counterpart–and each is under the impression that they were Rachel’s only co-star. The three feel manipulated as it becomes clearer they were only used as a device for Rachel to improve her repuation and be seen as someone to be sexually sought after. As Finn summarizes the feelings of the trio right before he stormed out of the room, “Is your stupid reputation worth more than your relationships?”

A lesson many of us learned too late in high school, it turns out, it is not. More alone and unpopular than ever, Rachel even fails to salvage her romantic relationship with Jesse. In the last scene, Jesse tells her that he had looked into her reputation before they started dating and was told that she “was kinda sneaky hot but that was canceled out by a compulsive need to be right and a strange affiinity for sweaters with animals on them” but inspite of all that she could still be trusted. Now, after this stunt of hers, he is afraid that she has caused irreversible damage and he’ll never be able to see her in the same loving light again. It is painfully familiar for all adults to watch a high schooler struggle to find the balance between being liked and being herself. We all want to believe that we are perfectly fine the way we are but there is no time that refutes this ideal more than high school.

Olivia Newton John and Molly Shannon both appeared in the episode with fairly unmemorable performances. Proving once again that a guest star on Glee might as well be a bum off the street if they’re not going to entertain us with a sensational musical number. Watching ONJ reenact her “Physical” music video with Sue didn’t feel fresh and only served to remind me why I didn’t like that song in the first place. I would have been much happier with a revamped version of “You’re the One That I Want” featuring Sue in a black leather catsuit. For examples of how to avoid disappointing the audience of television’s hottest new show, tune into the future episode starring Neil Patrick Harris.

Song of the Night:

Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Taylor

Rachel closed the episode with a poignant rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” that was in fact enormously more impressive than the original. Accompanied by the three men she betrayed and featuring a mash up of scenes from glee club practice and ballet class with Jesse, it was a beautifully stylized portrayal of how lost Rachel is in this world of rank. While the competition in this week’s episode was bleak, due to theme, to judge the song on its own would be to recognize the amazing harmonies and fabulous last note brought to you by Jonathan Groff (Jesse). Also, I wish my hidden talent was the ability to dance ballet on point. You win Lea Michele, you always do.

 Brittany Line of the Night:

When Kurt and co. enter the library, the following dialogue is exchanged between wheelchair bound Artie and Brittany:

Artie: I’m kind of getting cold feet here.

Brittany: Can you even feel your feet?

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: You’re not going to come to our crappy poker game are you?
Jack: No I’m not.
Liz: Good.
Jack: I bluffed. Yes I am coming.

Well, who’s this southern peach?

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol the contestants took a swing at the songbook of country sensation Shania Twain. Did you know that Shania has the best selling album of all time for a female recording artist? And that it was also the best selling Country album of all time? Well Wikipedia.com knew and now so do I. The album, Come on Over, featured sixteen tracks, twelve of which became singles. Pretty impressive considering current singing sensation Justin Bieber only has ten songs total on his number one album. I was really hoping one of the contestants would tackle “That Don’t Impress Me Much”, preferably Aaron Kelly if for no other reason than to hear him say “Ok. So you’re Brad Pitt!” And maybe he too would have worn a leopard print hoodie for the performance as Shania did in the music video. Turns out things went a bit more predictably and all leopard hoodies were left on the racks. Maybe they’ll find a way to incorporate them in next week’s tribute to Frank Sinatra. On to the performances.

Lee DeWyze, You’re Still the One. I was reminded last night when Shania Twain told Lee he was “rushing the guitar a little bit” that the advice to slow down or speed up is virtually all these mentors ever offer. Either that or they just say something about how proud they are to hear the song sung so well by another artist (and then you realize they’re talking to Aaron Kelly and that they’re lying). Lee did sound great, in the predictable way that he always sounds great when singing with an acoustic guitar and a raspy voice. Randy told Lee he had found his sweet spot in this lower register, an observation that could have been made after hearing Lee at his audition, and therefore irrelevant. Ellen made the unfortunate mistake of opening with a pun, “All aboard the Shania Twain!”, and now I can no longer say the singer’s name without feeling like I have a speech impediment. Kara used the song’s lyrics as an awkward segue into telling Lee “look how far you’ve made it!” and proceeded to interrupt Simon when he tried to talk leaving Lee without any criticism or praise from the only judge he cares to hear it from. If only Kara’s need to be the only voice heard in the room was a solitary occurrence last night…

Michael Lynche, It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing. While I was taking notes I initially wrote down “It Only Hurts When You’re Breathing” which definitely has violent undertones so I was glad to realize my error. I had never heard this song before which is good for Michael because after he sang it, I honestly couldn’t imagine it as anything other than an R&B record. That being said, Michael has a tendency to sing every song as if he were singing “I’ll Cover You (Reprise)” from Rent. For those that don’t know, that song is sung in tribute to the character’s dead lover. So…tone down the drama Michael. The camera cut to the audience just in time to see Shania’s single tear rolling down her cheek and cut back to Michael just in time to see him lick his lips 17 more times before he was through singing. When it was over, Ellen compared him to Luther Vandross (accurate) and Simon described his performance style as “wet.” Before given an opportunity to elaborate, Kara once again interrupted him and we had the second awkward transition back to Ryan of the night.

Casey James, Don’t. Sweet Casey decided to clear his head after winding up in the bottom two last week and for our sake did so outside of a spray tan booth. A far cry from that lovely shade of orange he was sporting last week, Casey looked delightful with his hair down and what appeared to be a whale’s tooth around his neck. Also, for the first time I noticed how similar his hair texture is to Taylor Swift’s. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or not, but I’m leaning towards not. Get that guy a hair tie. During his video introduction Casey reveals that this song will give him a chance to do something he hasn’t done yet: sing. Uh, what exactly have you been doing this whole time? Whatever it was clearly you’ve distracted your audience with winking and smiles because they keep voting for you regardless. After the performance though, I think I see his point. Vocally he finally took the risk Kara has been asking him to take all season. Kara tells him, and I may be paraphrasing, “Artists do not hide the good, the bad, the ugly. You were vulnerable, you were raw. You didn’t cover it up, you didn’t hide.” He’s not going through rehab, let’s all catch our breath. The judges gave a resounding “best performance from you so far” and Casey is sure to be safe this week.

Crysal Bowersox, No One Needs to Know. I mean, yeah, the night that everyone else kind of amps things up was not the night for you to decide to perform in the style of a basement jam session. I’m nervous because Crystal was virtually the only one who received any negative feedback so hopefully her fan base is larger and more aggressive than I am imagining. I think Crystal is stunning but considering the American Idol voting demographic is girls between the ages of 12 and 12 ½, her dreadlocks and enormous back tattoo may not be doing her any favors. Crystal and half a dozen other musicians playing center stage with her, strummed through this number that I am fairly certain only Shania Twain herself has ever listened to. Randy complimented her for keeping it country during what was essentially country week. Simon was most succinct with his judgement when he said “Shocker. We don’t like Crystal this week.” Yes, they can waste time bemoaning “it wasn’t your best” or “that’s not what we expect from you” (and boy did they) or we can call a spade a spade and move on. No it wasn’t great. But it still showcased passion and skill and for that Crystal should be safe. The most disappointing moment was when Crystal talked back to the judges. Ugh, honestly did we learn nothing from Justin Guarini in season 1? Take your criticisms like a gentleman or a lady and hope for the best. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

Aaron Kelly, You’ve Got A Way. Someone had a birthday! Yes our little Aaron is all…but one year away from being an adult. It still feels like infinity. With Aaron, and I don’t just say this because his presence in this competition annoys me so much, but I really think that week to week people kind of forget he’s still around. Up until last week, us faithful (and wise) Idol fans were crabby all day on Tuesday knowing we had to come home and watch another Tim Urban performance but at least we remembered it was coming. When Aaron shows up to sing you’re kind of like “oh yeah, that kid.” So who’s voting for him? Yeah, his mom, I know, but seriously who else? I try to always give credit where credit is earned and Aaron definitely sang his song well last night. But that’s kind of like the time a few years ago when I was singing leisurely in my friend’s basement and he said “oh that note sounded good.” Really? Just the one? Yes Aaron, just this one. Kara was glad that Aaron had rephrased the line “It’s in the way we make love” because that was something, she thinks, he hasn’t experienced yet. And I was glad he changed it too after it was revealed that he had dedicated the song to his mother. In conclusion, I hope he goes home tonight.

Siobhan Magnus, Any Man of Mine. During their time together, Shania told Siobhan that she was playing a role in this song and that she needed to get into character. Isn’t Siobhan kind of enough character on her own? Last time she tried on too many characters she wound up coming on stage covered in butterflies. Ellen, regrettably, told Siobhan “Way to pull the Shania Twain into the station.” The more time I spend on this Earth the more I realize how much I hate puns. While Simon was beginning to say “The screaming at the end may have been a bit…” he was interrupted again by Kara. Really Kara, sometimes I try and look for reasons to embrace you as a judge and it has become an uphill battle. When Simon was given the opportunity to continue speaking, he told her to watch her facial expressions when she goes into shrill mode. I likened the look on Siobhan’s face during her final wail to that of someone suffering constipation, Simon compared it to child birth. Either way, hone that in. It is your money maker after all. For those that like to pay money for that sort of thing.

So we’re halfway through the top 12 and looking back I can’t even remember some of the contestants that were with us not too long ago. Paige Miles? Was that someone I went to middle school with? Tonight we lose one more and God willing it’s not Crystal, Lee, or Casey. The talent this season was already verging on intolerable so to lose one of the performers I actually looked forward to seeing would be a shame. And by shame I mean I would consider discontinuing the season recording on my DVR. What would be the point? To watch instant replay of Siobhan parading around in the costume rejection collection from Romy and Michele’s High School Reuinon? I’d rather watch Cougar Town.

Update: Siobhan went home. Fine.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: What makes you laugh?
Kenneth: The usual I suppose. Two hobos sharing a bean. Lady airline pilots.

Real-estate? No, that’s something you do when you’re married and have a family. Sure, wait for that then your first home will be in the city of floating New Chicago.

Dear Tina,

Tonight when Mr. Schuester told his students that because Coach Sylvester had taken control of the auditorium for the entire week they would have to find a new space to rehearse and make their HOME, I suspected that this overemphasis of the word home might lead to a breakout musical number. Maybe even the song “Home” by Michael Buble, which if listening to it 90 times on my iTunes is any indication, I wouldn’t have minded. Instead Matthew Morrison (Will Schuester) was trying to prepare us for an episode dedicated to answering some of social culture’s biggest questions: what makes a house a home? Can a home only be defined by four walls and a roof with a mortgage paid for by your parents? Or is a home simply a safe haven where you are accepted for you who are and the space and family within it are something you create for yourself? It was an emotional roller coaster of an evening dealing with cliche teen problems that felt fresh and sophisticated thanks in large part to supplemental musical numbers that reminded us of their superior talent. Think the opposite of the Saved by the Bell episode featuring “Teen Line” where Zach Morris learns the value in treating people with disabilities nicely. They’re people too!

First we learn that Finn’s mom is dating Kurt’s dad. Thrilling news for Kurt who has had a long time crush on Finn and begins immediate plans to redecorate the bedroom he is sure they will eventually share. Although, even if Finn were gay and interested in Kurt, the union of their parents would make them step brothers so…ick. The only show I can think of that ever pulled of the stepchildren romantic relationship is Gossip Girl and that show pulls off underage cleavage on a weekly basis so it’s kind of in a league of its own. Anyway, Finn doesn’t take this new relationship well and berates his mom for trying to get rid of all tangible memories of his father in the house as a result of this new relationship. When the happy couple and the two boys go out to dinner, Kurt’s dad Burt (yikes) bonds almost instantly with Finn over sports and Kurt realizes that the only one with anything to gain here is his father, getting the son he always wanted.

Meanwhile, after Mercedes and Kurt joined the Cheerios last week as a slight to Mr. Schuester for undervaluing their talents in glee club, the realities of this decision begin to set in. What Mercedes didn’t anticipate was the wrath of Sue Sylvester. After being awarded “Cheerleading Coach of the Last 2000 Years,” with a photo shoot and cover story to follow, Sue is on all the Cheerios’ cases to be in the best shape of their life or risk being pulled from the picture. She talks to Mercedes privately, who up until that point has donned uniform track pants instead of the usual skirt, and tells her that she has to lose ten pounds and “put on a gender appropriate uniform” or she will be kicked off the squad. Feeling pressure on all sides, Kurt also hounding Mercedes out of fear she’ll screw this up for them and they’ll be forced back into the life of misfits, she stops eating and winds up fainting in the school cafeteria. While Mercedes waits in the nurse’s office for her mom to get her, Quinn (whose general absence has been felt up until this point) comes in and offers moral support. Quinn herself had gone through the wringer as a Cheerio before she was kicked off when Sue discovered her pregnancy. In one of the most sensible explanations I’ve ever heard for overcoming an eating disorder, Quinn tells Mercedes “when you start eating for somebody else so that they can grow and be healthy, your relationship to food changes. What I realized is that, if I’m so willing to eat right to take care of this baby, why am I not willing to do it for myself?” Leave it to teen pregnancy to bring out the practicality in our youth. Though the writing was a bit contrived (if I had written a play in seventh grade about anorexia it would have included the line, “I was scared, hating myself for eating a cookie.”) the emotion in these two young girls felt sincere and it was heartbreaking to be reminded of how hard it is in high school to embrace and enjoy who you are. When Quinn reminded Mercedes that she had always been proud of her body before joining the Cheerios, Mercedes tearfully asks “How did I become this person?” I almost cried. If I was still in high school, I probably would have.

In the end, Finn learned that although no man would ever replace his father, his mom had a right to move on and find happiness with a man again. Mercedes defied Sue’s demands and showed up to the pep rally where the magazine reporter was observing and belted out a show-stopping rendition of “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera, inviting all those in the gym who had ever felt less-than to join her in singing. Kurt’s pining after Finn has always felt a little beneath him but the scene when Kurt confronted his father after their outing with Finn and his mom, brought this story back to the real issue at hand: Kurt feeling unworthy of his father’s love and attention. Burt is somewhat sympathetic in his ignorance–a father trying to do his best with the hand he was dealt without the emotional support of a wife (who died eight years prior). When he reminds Kurt of the deal they made when he first came out of the closet, “I don’t try to change you, you don’t try to change me”, it is clear he means well but has unfortunately mislabeled complacency for acceptance. It’s hard enough for gay teens to get through high school without daily ridicule, but to feel equally out of place and judged in your own home is tragic.

Briefly, Kristin Chenoweth returned as April Rhodes, a former classmate of Will’s who had a passion for singing and alcohol, the latter leaving her without a high school diploma. Her appearance as an unrecovered alcoholic, mistress of a strip mall tycoon, and operator of a roller rink felt a bit unrelated to the direction we saw the show going in these past two episodes. Like maybe Ryan Murphy and the writers just wanted an excuse to bring back Broadway bombshell Chenoweth to sing the Streisand medley hit “One Less Bell to Answer/A House is Not a Home.” But she looked stunning at the end of the episode hitting a glass-shattering high note in “Home” from The Wiz, so not a bad decision there Mr. Murphy. Rachel was almost nonexistent in this episode and I found that…distracting. So, let’s not have a repeat of that. Next week Sue is confronted by what to do now that the reporter writing a piece on her, after watching Mercedes’ performance, has commended her for embracing all body types in cheerleading. Anytime you hear Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” on a television show, rest assured social reform is coming.

Song of the Night:

Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

Mercedes rendition was poignant and in comparison even reminded us that despite her talent, yes, Christina Aguiera’s voice is a little bit annoying. Also, Artie’s very subtle “roof raise” to Mercedes’ riffs got my biggest laugh of the night.

Brittany Line of the Night:

Girlfriend only had two lines (shame on you Ryan Murphy) but anything out of her mouth is pure gold. Tonight:

I’m pretty sure my cat’s been reading my diary.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Can I share with you my world view?
Jack: I’d rather hear you sing Rock of Man again.
Liz: All of human kind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.
Jack: What a surprise your world view is food based.

You can fight getting older, you can be like Madonna and cling to your youth with those golem arms.

Dear Tina,

I. Am. FUMING. I just had a delightful romp (that sounds sexual–it’s not) in the city and returned home with plans to enjoy tonight’s episode of Glee. I should have known when the first two minutes of the Glee recording were Kara DioGuardi yammering on about something and later Tim Urban smiling like a doof as Ryan Seacrest closed the show and opened the phone lines. Because the finale number of Glee was cut off on the DVR causing me to develop resentment and abandonment issues that I am sure to carry into my thirties. Not only was it the finale number to an episode that was on track to be my favorite of the series so far, but the song was “Like a Prayer” which is definitely my favorite Madonna song because she’s not on track to do anything that surpasses her work in the 80s (plus I’m a sucker for a gospel choir). It was just so painful. To hear Finn say to Jesse “Walk with me to the auditorium. I put together a new Madonna number, I’ll talk you through it on the way.” Freeze frame. Do you want to delete recording? Um, do you want to delete my belief that there is more good than evil in this world? So until Hulu.com updates their Glee catalog, I am out of luck. Inspite of this disaster, in the 58 minutes I did see, we experienced the return of Puck’s singing (and by singing I mean harmonizing–yowza,) and every Madonna reference you can think of fit snugly into one melt-your-heart hour of television.

The episode began with Coach Sue Sylvester writing in her journal about how Madonna is the most powerful woman in history. Even more powerful than Catherine the Great she remarks, the 18th century Empress of Russia, who incidentally I did a biography on in the third grade…because her name was also Catherine. Madonna is a long time hero of Sue’s leading her to put in a request to the school’s principal to have her music played on the PA system throughout the school day. So right away we know that integrating Madonna’s music into this episode will not be done with much subtlety. I find that I prefer when the music is incorporated as a means to tell the story rather than “hey it’s theme week at Glee club so arrange your favorite number and then sing it for us!” There is usually a mixture of the two concepts in every episode regardless, but relying on themes like Madonna, or the less successful “Hello” songs, cause the viewer to anticipate when half the fun of this show is the element of surprise. For example, in the episode “Showmance,” after Rachel and Finn share a kiss and he tells her to forget it ever happened, she belts out Rihanna’s “Take a Bow” in a styled sequence that was a perfect fit for the tone of the episode. Hearing it in the context of the plot, I even started to like that song. But as I said, this may be one of my favorite episodes to date, so take my criticism as mere observation and know that alongside the joy that was seeing Jane Lynch in a cone bra, I can only assume that all of the twists and turns we saw here tonight are going to culminate in one spectacular season finale.

I don’t know what Ryan Murphy would have done if Madonna hadn’t introduced “Like a Virgin” to the Pop music stage because this high school is just crawling with virgins needing to express themselves through song. Rachel is still dating Glee club rival Jesse St. James and despite the anonymity she uses to protect him when seeking out relationship advice, the rest of the glee club is on to their romance. Jesse, who we know from last week is up to no good, manipulates Rachel into agreeing to lose her virginity (which regrettably was referred to as the Big V throughout the episode) to him on Friday night. Meanwhile, under the direction of Sue, all Cheerios are told to start dating younger men as an homage to Madonna. Cheerleader and glee club member Santana has her eyes set on Finn, who is three days younger than she, and convinces him that losing his virginity to her will make Rachel jealous and realize what she’s missing. Because usually when men have meaningless sex with a mutual acquaintance that’s when women come crawling back. Social worker and virgin Emma Pillsbury, discouraged by Sue’s comment to her that “you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuses to mate,” decides that it is high time to give up her Big V and have sex with her separated-not yet divorced love interest, Mr. Schuester. We finally arrive at Friday night and a musical sextet (ha!) ensues.

So the big question at the end of the episode was who did it and who didn’t and where do we go from here. The answer? Emma and Will did not. She ran out of his house with her virginity and without her shoes. They decide to put a hold on their relationship until his divorce is finalized and in the meantime Will recommends counseling for Emma so she can work through her dithering. So, boring, which is exactly how you would like to think of your high school teachers’ sex lives. Jesse, still eager to have sex with Rachel despite her Little Red Riding Hood-inspired lavender nightgown (there was a capelet), could not convince Rachel that it was the right time. After Jesse coaxes her out of the bathroom where she had been hiding out of embarrassment, “Just come out so we can talk. Or sing about it.”, Rachel confesses that in losing her virginity she would quite literally be sleeping with the enemy and she couldn’t do that to her team. Now it just wouldn’t be a true Madonna episode if someone didn’t have inappropriate sex. So Finn and Santana do their part by doing it in the kind of sleezy motel room I wouldn’t have thought existed in suburban Ohio. When they return to school on Monday, Rachel implies to Finn that she did have sex and Finn in turn, implies the opposite. Ugh! Is there anything better than a “why can’t they make it work?!” plot line? After more than a decade of faithful sitcom viewing, I can tell you there is not.

Plot twist for next week! As an expression of his “love” and “commitment” to Rachel, Jesse St. James somehow convinced his family to move school districts and he now attends McKinley High School. Even worse, he has joined the glee club to share Finn’s spotlight as the male vocal lead. If it sounds too good to be true, I can tell you that Jesse’s scheming glee club director played by Idina Menzel is signed on for more episodes, so it definitely is.

Song of the Night:

What it Feels Like For a Girl

Puck’s harmony and particularly insane looking mohawk accompanied by Mr. Schuester’s “I obviously used to be on Broadway” style of conducting made this the surprising standout of the night (Followed closely by Like A Prayer which I did catch on Fox.com after my opening rant).

Brittany Line of the Night:

Clearly Ryan Murphy has found a niche for cheerleader (and real life former Beyonce back up dancer) Brittany. It’s working better than we ever could have imagined for this former nobody, lucky to have an ounce of screentime in the first half a dozen epsiodes or so, now responsible for some of the show’s most memorable lines. Tonight:

When I pulled my hamstring I went to a misogynist.

Keep watching because eventually Neil Patrick Harris is going to show up and if you miss it you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting it.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Kenneth: Ms. Maroney, here’s today’s fan mail.
Jenna: Are there any from prisons?
Kenneth: Are there?!  Federal!