I got to get my act together. Even Frank owns that chicken ranch in Nevada. He thought he was buying a whore house.

Dear Tina,

I am officially on day 2 of project unemployment. Maybe I should consider renaming this summer “project get a job.” It has a bit more “glass half full” kind of tone. Yesterday was action packed. Not only did I confirm a time for an interview, submit my resume for a recent opening at a prominent Chicago theatre, and contact a woman for a possible sit-down to discuss how the hell I’m ever going to get a job, but I also washed all my delicates! That’s a project that deserves an afternoon all to itself. Today kind of plateaued job search wise, but I did manage to write four Dear Tina entries. After this one, I’ll be all caught up. You may have noticed the extended delay last week in Dear Tina generating new postings. Now that I have the summer off, hopefully this will not be a recurring problem. Especially when it seems a little inauthentic to write about how I’m feeling Monday evening when it’s actually the following Sunday afternoon.

I also got in contact with a leasing agent in Chicago and was confronted for the first time with the reality of how the rest of the world views my unemployment. While I think of it has this courageous step I made to pursue my dreams, this guy was spewing out “co-signer” as soon as I began my answer to his question of whether or not I have a job with, “Well…” He was less than thrilled for me. But congratulated me on being a non-smoker so…thanks Officer Friendly.

I would like to share one news item I stumbled upon yesterday. An excerpt from an article found on tvguide.com, America’s best news source.

This will not be Pavelka’s first stab at acting: In 1999, he played a young version of Chuck Norris’ Cordell Walker on Walker, Texas Ranger under the stage name Jake Landrum.

The article referring to former Bachelor Jake Pavelka guest starring on Drop Dead Diva.

Jake Landrum? Was Hank Higgins taken? You know who I feel most sorry for? The airline pilots who are affected by association. As if there wasn’t enough job-related stress with that profession, they have to have one of their own looking for part-time work on the Lifetime network. Not cool, Landrum.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: Kenneth, do you have a minute?
Kenneth: I sure don’t.
Jack: Kenneth, you and I both have a lot in common. We’re both hard workers. When I was your age I was putting myself through college in Boston, paddling swan boats for the tourists.
Kenneth: Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker?

He looks like a cartoon pilot.

Dear Tina,

I think I just hit sensory overload. I have kept very busy today, what with my trip to Florida a mere two days away and that baby knocking fireplace screens over while a fire is going, but The Bachelor season finale just elevated my anxiety to stroke level. First of all, lets collectively breathe a sigh of relief that it’s over. I mean, thanks for the laughs Jake, but if I had to listen to you describe the differences between your lady loves one more week, I might have become one of those people who says things like “I don’t have time for TV.” And I hate those people. I digress. Here we go.

The night began with Jake meeting up with his family in St. Lucia (“So weird. You guys are here too?”) to acquaint everyone with the situation before they meet the ladies in question. Jake makes the mistake of implying (more like revealing) that Vienna is the worst. Having that keen sense about her that all moms who watch a lot of reality TV possess, Jake’s mom asks if Vienna was the one everyone else in the house hated. Jake immediately feels pangs of regret after this conversation and talks to us about it for the next ten minutes. I’m already wishing I had spent this time watching the episodes of Be Good Johnny Weir I DVRd last night.

When Jake’s family meets Tenley, it is love at first sight–they just can’t get enough of her. Much unlike the way Jake feels about her. At some point the producers must have reminded Jake’s mom that now would be a good time to go have that one on one chat with Tenley. These interruptions always seem to come mid-conversation, mid-meal, mid-bite so I warrant the shooting schedule is pretty tight. On the private interrogation terrace, Jake’s mom asks Tenley how she resolves conflict with her sister. Good question. I might have led with what do you do for a living, are you willing to move to be with my son, what is Chris Harrison like in real life, but no, I can see the importance of having someone divulge the details of a relationship that usually revolves around competition and the inability to share clothes. Tenley passes the Pavelka family screening mainly because she skirted around that sister question by bringing up her divorce and crying about it. Again. When Jake and Mrs. Pavelka convene on the scrutiny terrace, she encourages Jake to show Tenley his goofy side. How goofy can you be if your mom has to remind you to act goofy? She says he needs to tell her he likes to play and he likes to roughhouse, “YOU JUST NEED TO TELL HER.” The way she’s acting you’d think she was asking Jake to reveal a dark secret about himself, like being born with lady parts or something. Sure enough, Jake goofs it up by running and jumping into the pool with Tenley. Aww just like they did on Dawson’s Creek after they stayed up all night studying. Jake, you really are 32 going on anxiety teen.

Vienna shows up the next day and presents herself as bitchy as his family feared she would be. Not only does she talk like Nicholas Cage in Valley Girl but she freely admits without a shred of self-awareness that no one liked her in the house because everyone was fake except her. What a nice first impression, not at all abrasive. If I met someone who told me she has a hard time making friends because of her unwillingness to be “fake,” I would strongly call into question her ability to grasp the difference between polite and fake as well as judge her social skills as a whole. Jake’s sister-in-law took this issue to heart and in a backhanded compliment describing Vienna as someone who will always tell you the truth, she asked in a testy tone camouflaged by giggling “do you think I look fat in this outfit?” Vienna’s response? “Kind of! Hahahahaha…ha.” Oh Vienna. Just when they pretty convinced not to embrace you, you pushed yourself even farther away from their love and affection. Also, you should have assumed before you even came that this family would love Tenley. As you said yourself, “the girl dreams in cartoons.” So when they comment that the two of you are nothing alike, assume that that is a slam on you, and therefore the response “Yeah, I’m not a robot!” will be frowned upon. Said comment will be filed and reintroduced during the intervention with Jake hosted by America titled “What the H are you thinking?” In the end, Jake’s family claimed to regret judging Vienna at first, as shown by approximately 3-4 tears shed over the matter. I have a feeling that the producers turned the cameras off and reminded the family that they had to pretend to like her at some point so that there would be enough material to edit the encounter ambiguously.

After two days of the Pavelka Family Judge Fest, it was time for Jake’s final dates with the ladies. Vienna was up first. Jake tells the camera that today he and Vienna will be living it up at an active volcano: “It’s like a natural spa. I hope she likes it. I know I will!” Jake, why am I starting to get the impression that you have a propensity for emoticons in your text messages? :) The thing about hanging around geysers is that they smell like sulfur so in terms of romance, it’s kind of like having a candle lit dinner in the ape house at the zoo. Vienna entertains Jake’s ill-conceived plan and then they play in the mud as if this were some type of pay per view special airing the morning of the Super Bowl. Later that night Vienna professes her love for Jake and gives him some ring her dad gave her that appears to have come from inside a box of cereal. She tearfully tells the camera that she can’t live without Jake, or something; her crying was about as believable as Candace Cameron’s on the early seasons of Full House.

Poor Tenley had her date the next day and Jake decided to use that time to talk to her about how he basically has no feelings for her. Throughout this experience we  have learned how well spoken Jake is…………and we see further evidence of this when he explains to Tenley that he doesn’t feel they have physical chemistry. Not to say they don’t have sexual chemistry! Just not physical chemistry. Um first and foremost everyone needs to stop using the word chemistry because now you’re just making up categories. As Tenley wisely points out “What is the physical chemistry if it’s not the sexual chemistry?” I’m glad she’s smart enough to ask but fearful that Jake is going to pull out a Venn Diagram to explain so I was relieved to see him make a few shrug-like motions before backtracking and telling her everything he loves about her. I love your eyes. I love your smile–I would never want to have sex with you, God no…but you have such a great temperament. Wow, that’s almost better than hearing I love you. Luckily the subject is finally dropped. Until dinner when we revisit it and I fast forward.

Which brings me to the real problem here (if I have to pick just one). After four days of ample hugging and twirling time with each woman, Jake still doesn’t know who he wants to marry. Ladies, if your boyfriend is still deciding between you and another woman hours before he proposes to you, that’s a deal breaker! I know it’s a television show and they have to produce it so we don’t know until the last ten minutes who he is going to pick, but what happened to proposing to someone because you don’t have a single doubt in your mind that this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with? What happened to dating someone monogamously for an extended period of time before you consider marrying them? I know, I’m such a traditionalist. As I’m sure everyone knows by now, as this story is apparently worthy of national and local news, Jake picked Vienna despite going on and on about how he loves them equally. Be sure to hold on to that sentiment when you tell the grandkids tabloids about your engagement: it’s not that I loved Vienna more, it’s just that I loved her differently.

I had to skip a lot of the dumping of Tenley and the proposal of Vienna because I experience a lot of secondhand embarrassment watching adults taking this absurd situation seriously. Tenley was clearly heartbroken and while at first I felt bad for her, she kept saying things like “I believe in dreaming again” and I couldn’t have gotten her in that limo faster than Jake did. When it came time to propose to Vienna, Jake played a little mind game by giving her back the Cracker Jack prize from her dad and then telling her he had something else he wanted to give her: tell her what she’s won Johnny! Jake tells Vienna “I love you with all that I am” in an engagement sponsored by Neil Lane. Really, the product placement in that moment was about as subtly as zooming in on a box of Ziplock bags on Top Chef. They kissed, Vienna continued to struggle to make direct eye contact, and I walked away with lots of valuable information on what to steer clear of in my own search for a husband: namely, Jake Pavelka.

So there you have it. The Bachelor is over and by the close of the weekend so will Jake and Vienna’s relationship. Now we’ll have to wait in eager anticipation for Ali to begin her stint as The Bachelorette. Until then, Gossip Girl returns on Monday! Oh how I have missed Chuck Bass and his paisley.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Cerie: Usually designers just make me clothes.  But when I buy them I’m a child’s medium.
Jenna: Well I only wear designer labels.  These are Jamie Foxx for Ass Farm.