What did you say you loved about me? Did you talk about my body? Did you say how you liked to watch me dance?

Dear Tina,

Last night Dancing With The Stars had its second performance episode since it premiered and yet no one has left the competition. Let’s get things rolling over there people, we’re only giving you until May (I hope).

Now last week I noted my apprehension with writing about this show because a large part of me doesn’t really care for it. I’m more of a So You Think You Can Dance kind of girl. I want choreographer Mia Michaels to be my life coach. But that is a different show for a different day. The fact of the matter is, like American Idol, Dancing With The Stars has become a television and cultural phenomenon. Not quite on the same scale as Idol but its popularity has grown enormously since it first premiered in 2005 and it has been produced and cast in a way that has turned it into a must-see if you’re going to stop by the water cooler Tuesday morning. Does anyone even still have water coolers besides dentists? What do I know, everyone at my office still believes in Santa Claus.

So I tuned in last night, not necessarily to see how Chad Ochocinco’s rhythm had improved in one week’s time, but to be able to take part in the conversation. My first question is—seriously—what is the DWTS spray tanning budget. These contestants and professionals look like they went through Dr. Seuss’s Sneetches machine but instead of getting stars on their bellies they received a horrifying glow that I believe Crayola would describe as burnt orange. Is it mandatory? That’s what I can’t figure out. I’d write it off as part of the schmaltz factor but that doesn’t even make sense and I can’t accept it, not even passively. With that aside, I delve into the night’s most memorable performances.

Ok if you didn’t realize it while watching The Bachelor, you certainly can’t escape it now. Jake Pavelka is a huge dork. If he were in college and in a fraternity it would be the lame one. And they would make him be their social chair so that when he organized events with sororities, his chiseled jaw would distract the women from his nervous giggling and awkward comments. Then he would mention he’s an aviation major, take off his shirt, and confuse the women into dedicating their entire social calendar to a fraternity known for having a surplus of 2 liter bottles of pop and a deficit of alcohol at their parties. Jake performed the Jive with partner Chelsie, a former contestant on So You Think You Can Dance so, love her, but oh my plaid suit. Watching him shuffle across that stage was like watching a 17 year old playing Danny Zuko in a high school production of Grease. I want to say that his energy and smile is infectious but he’s engaged to Vienna so I imagine he’s infectious in other ways. OH no she DI-INT! I believe it was Len who said that he hopes Jake stays around because he has such a great attitude, or something, and I’ll agree with that. I mean I’d definitely rather watch him than Aiden Turner (who?) but he needs to let go of his general demeaner that implies “aww shucks” is a part of his daily vocabulary.

We also have Nicole Sherzinger, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls (blech). I mean she’s a great singer but “I’m tellin you loosin up my buttons baby?” I don’t think so. Now, Nicole would like you to believe that she is as disadvantaged as the other celebrities competing because her dance background mainly involves body rolls and humping chairs. But the reality is, she has extensive experience in learning dance routines and has a natural rhythmic ability. Sure enough, her performance was the most skilled of the night, earning her the first two 10s of the season. Nicole is by far the best dancer in the competition but what fun is it to watch someone who’s good from the beginning when the basic promise/premise of this show is that these celebrities are doing something outside the realm of their skill set? No fun.

Erin Andrews and her partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy win the award for most likely to knock boots by the end of the season.

I’d also like to readdress an issue I brought up last week. This time I’ve brought along a couple of visual aids. Sincerely, this show is about fun and personality and having a sense of humor. So, would you rather watch this:

Or this:

I think I’ve made my point. Team Johnny.

Chad Ochocinco, who should put his face on a skin care line if he knows what’s good for him, looked like he was going to tackle the judges while receiving the negative feedback from his subpar performance. Clearly this man has not been told “no” many times in his life. His last name is now Ochocinco after all. But you would think he wouldn’t take it so personally, being told he’s not a great dancer. He looked as if he wanted to say “You show me anything on that paddle less than an 8 and I will shove it…” (insert something explicit that I don’t want to write for fear that someone will flag this blog as inappropriate and WordPress will shut down my dreams). Oh Chad. Loosen up your buttons, baby.

For the grand finale we had Kate Gosselin reminding us why Jon divorced her. OH no she DI-INT! AGAIN! Yes, Kate proved herself to be the same bossy and shrill partner to Tony Dovolani that she was to Jon. Luckily for all of us at home who have a hard time stomaching these antics, Kate has finally met a man willing to stand up to her. Kate informed Tony that he wasn’t teaching her correctly to which he replied “This is what I do for a living. I teach world champions. I teach teachers.” So maybe, Kate, the problem isn’t Tony, but your inability to retain any information that doesn’t involve the care instructions for your hair extensions. At one point Tony quits which producers captured beautifully with footage of Tony saying… “I quit.” They played this clip about 18 times throughout the episode so when it aired within the context of the rest of the rehearsal, it felt a bit anticlimactic. When Tony eventually comes back, he admits he shouldn’t have let her get the best of him and she thanks him, saying “A lot of people quit on me in life.” Groan. Did you have to squeeze that in there? Thank God they patched things up because their subsequent performance of the Jive just tickled me. Tickled me when I wasn’t covering my eyes due to secondhand embarrassment that is. If you missed it, please somehow track it down (abc.com) and watch the part where Tony spins her around and she slides under his legs. That look on her face, you would have thought she was being thrown into a pit of vipers. Also, when it came time for the feedback, she rolled her eyes at the judges. Kate this isn’t TLC and they are not your husband. There is no place for that here.

Question. Does ABC gift the contestants with dancing clothes because Kate and Erin Andrews were definitely wearing the same purple shrug during rehearsal. That can’t be a coincidence.

It’s now 10:35 on Tuesday night so we know that Shannen Doherty was eliminated. Good thing I didn’t waste any time talking about her. But I would have liked to see her go all Shannen Doherty circa 1994 on someone before she left. Oh well. Maybe Buzz Aldrin can fill that void.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Kenneth: These gentlemen are the writers for Bro’s Beat who’s offices we will be sharing. They are all named Sean. They are mean. And I hate it here.

If you want a shot, you’re going to have to dance for it. Very nice.

Dear Tina,

Alright we need to discuss something. I’ve been wrestling with this decision for about 24 hours. On one hand, writing about it may not be an honest reflection of my taste in television. On the other, it’s a popular topic in the media and this blog had less than 20 viewers today so I might be wise to try and attract a larger fan base. So I’m handing myself over to the majority. That’s right, it’s time to discuss the schmaltz fest that is Dancing With the Stars.

Now in the early stages of this project, I may have tried to come off as a sophisticated television viewer with very discernible taste. But then I kind of let it slip in there that I genuinely enjoy watching shows like Teen Mom and anything on Bravo. So while I’m being honest, I can tell you that I have truly never been a fan of Dancing With the Stars. I mean sure I would flip to it when Gossip Girl had a commercial break and when I saw Cloris Leachman lose her wig mid-dance, it was the highlight of my 2008 (runner-up would be graduating from college I guess), but I never got into it enough to consider myself a serious fan of the show. However, when I heard who would be appearing this season, my curiosity got the best of me and I knew come Monday I just had to be there. I was sold at Kate Gosselin.

So let’s look at what we have here. For the first time in ten seasons, I think this show has celebrities on it that people are actually still talking about. Unlike, say Belinda Carlisle or Joey Fatone. Maybe we should take the fact that she’s on Dancing With the Stars t as a sign that we should stop talking about Kate Gosselin. While we’re on the subject, I noted that it didn’t take longer than 3.6 seconds for her to do the requisite “hi kids!” into the camera. Yes we know you have kids (a lot if I recall) and we know that you’re incredibly self-conscious right now because the media is ripping you apart for being 2,000 miles away from them in order to participate in schmaltz fest 2010. And rip they should. You’re famous because you allowed your children to be a part of a television show that became a horrific, tabloid-frenzy nightmare with the details of your divorce splashed across the covers of magazines for all the world your children to see. And yet you still think the best way to support your family is by being on TV. I roll my eyes and shake my head at you Kate Gosselin. What happened to the woman who used to wear Mickey Mouse sweatshirts and tankinis? I miss her.

Oh, also, she danced badly. Judge Carrie Ann reminded her and America that she was the first contestant they’ve ever had that had no performance background whatsoever (acting, music, athletics). Good point Carrie Ann. So…now what do we do with her? Plus she looked like a combination of the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz and a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

Another notable performance was dear, sweet Buzz Aldrin. At 80 years old he is looking more dapper than ever in those sequined shirts. Buzz was given the Cha Cha for his first dance, poor thing. When it came time for the performance, he shuffled his feet just enough to win over the hearts of a whole new generation who were just twinkles in eyes when he shuffled across the moon. I appreciated how respectful the judges were of this man who is considered an American hero. Rather than handing over brutal comments along the lines of “well, you didn’t exactly dance, did you?” they commended him for his history of bravery and service and quietly mentioned that he lacked any sense of rhythm or movement. Also, Buzz has a twitter account. “T-minus one hour and counting to my Dancing w/the Stars debut! Last minute hair & makeup touchups-All I need is a good luck kiss from Lois.” Mom! Grandpa’s on the computer!

The contestant I take the second greatest issue with after KG would be Evan Lysacek. Sorry but I’m Team Johnny Weir. I’ve been watching Be Good Johnny Weir on the Sundance Channel the past couple of weeks and as a result I’ve developed a pretty serious connection to the figure skater I had never even heard of prior to the Vancouver Olympics. Seriously, how much more entertaining would this program be if Evan were replaced by Johnny? Johnny could pull of feathers and fringe better than any of those guys…or gals. It’s also possible that Evan had one too many rounds of spray tanning as he looked to be the same color as Snookie and therfore the same color as an orange. Finally, the following text messages may or may not have been sent SIMULTANEOUSLY last night at 8:00. For confidentiality’s sake I will set it up in the style of textsfromlastnight.com.

(847): Waitt, is evan lysacek supposed to be straight?
(630): Yeah im now on team “evan lysacek is definitely gay”

Sometimes people have the same brain and they can’t help that.

The finale of the season premiere was Pamela Anderson, the woman best known for her portrayal of blonde woman in plastic, clear heels. It was a good thing old Pammy got to go last because it looked like it was going to take the full two hours for whatever she took before the show to wear off. Even if you want to hate her (which I don’t because I’ve always found her hilarious in her simple way), you can’t in this instance because of all the contestants, she was the only one who managed to pull off having fun, not caring what other’s thought, and looking good doing it all at once. I don’t know if I can put up with Tom Bergeron making jokes about turning into a 12 year old boy at the sight of her all season long, but I do hope she sticks around. If only to see more interpretations of that insane crazy bed head she was sporting and her looks to the camera that convinced me she thought she was shooting a Playboy pay per view special.

Other notable moments include Niecy Nash making a case for her “jiggly parts” and  Vienna sitting in the audience to support her Bachelor Jake with Gia (second runner-up) sitting next to her. Do you girls, like, hang out? Or did you just run into each other at the taping for the show? Either way, thank you both for not wearing a tiara as you are both prone to doing so.

Disappointing moments include Shannen Doherty NOT acting like a diva wench. Yet. Also, using “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha already. I wa$ hoping we would never be $ubjected to the Dancing With the $tar$ band’$ interpretation of this talk-$ing hit.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Kenneth: I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.
Tracy: I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks.