What about me? I just took a bunch of Cialis cause I have big Valentines plans tonight.

Dear Tina,

I worked for 13 hours today so starting this at quarter to 11 wasn’t exactly a well thought out plan. My day began slightly off-kilter when I got out of bed at 6:34. Approximately six minutes before I need to leave my house. And got progressively worse when I left my room, or should I say attempted, and my shoelace got caught in my dresser drawer. How does that happen? Those two things shouldn’t be at matching heights. That’s like getting your hair caught on a door knob. So for all of these reasons and more, I was unable to pack a baggie of cereal for breakfast as I normally do. And I thought, fine, because they have something like Cheerios at their house. Boy did they. They had the “organic” version of Cheerios. I put organic in quotes to imply that it tasted like a foot. This is what I hate about health trends. Don’t try and tell me you are making a more health conscious choice by eating organic puff circles than I am because I eat Cheerios. I know I have already gone on a rant about this. Something you should know about me, I rant things to death (Just ask my friends how I feel about 45 calorie bread). I don’t care what that man tells Oprah, buying organic carbs is ridiculous. Someone should make a message tee about it. I’ll wear it when I go out in 2003.

In response to this week being the week of the sitcom’s “let’s remind the audience how much they want any two characters on our show to get together” Valentine’s Day episode, I have decided I am going to dedicate all weekend entries to different Valentine’s Day episodes that I loved. Love in the way an eighth grader says he loves his girlfriend during a Valentine’s Day dinner at California Pizza Kitchen right before he hands her a gift of bath salts in a dolphin shaped bottle–which is probably one of the most sincerest forms of love in young adulthood. Eligible episodes will only be episodes featured within the last week or so, not from many seasons past. Although the 30 Rock Valentine’s Day episode when Jack picks up a foreign prostitute played by Rachel Dratch was the creme de la creme. Tonight’s 30 Rock will of course be included as any television show that features a character misinterpreting a house plant for Jon Bon Jovi deserves acclaim. For the record and the reminder, had they been given the opportunity, Glee would have killed a Valentine’s Day episode. Why is that show not on right now? Fox. The worst.

Two final notes about Valentine’s Day/Valentine’s Day:

1. When you hear the intro for Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling” do you panic and think you are being subjected to another preview for the movie Valentine’s Day? I do. Any film that can find a place for George Lopez, Jessica Biel, and Taylor Lautner makes me anxious. In the bad way.
2. If you go see Valentine’s Day on Valentine’s Day, I will judge you forever. That goes for anybody. Ticket sales for Sunday, February 14 should total zero dollars. Have some self-respect.

More to come tomorrow but thank you Tina, a million times thank you, for bringing back Floyd tonight. Albeit brief, delightful nonetheless.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

CC: Whiskey straight up.
Jack: I’ll have a white rum with a diet ginger ale and splash of lime.
CC: Wow, I never would have pegged you for a University of Tennessee sorority girl.

Alright! Cheesy Blasters! You take a hot dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza! You got cheesy blasters!

Dear Tina,

Can you believe it is only 10:12 in the morning and I have already been doused with usable knowledge? Did you know that chickens are bigger today than they were in the 1950s? Well now you do. Thanks Oprah! Today’s episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show featured Michael Pollan, a new and improved version of Dr. Oz. This guy doesn’t wear scrubs and he only talks about food health so I don’t feel like I’m wasting my time listening to “my body is changing!”: the menopause edition. Dr. Michael (he’s not really a doctor but he was on Oprah so I’ll offer him the title) is the mastermind behind the documentary film Food, Inc. that takes an inside look at how America’s food is processed before it reaches our grocery stores. I’m not going to lie, it peaked my interest. I pretty much consider watching, eating, or buying anything Oprah tells me to for at least 24 hours. Except when she told me to go get new bras. I was not one of those women afflicted with wearing the same bra since eighth grade. I’ve had a handle on that issue for quite awhile thank you.

Normally when it comes to food  preparation my attitude is “what I don’t know can’t hurt me.” And when it comes to animals, well, unfortunately every time a commercial with Sarah McLachlan or that cougar from Just Shoot Me comes on asking me to help save some pets I usually zone out and think about something funny someone said once. But Dr. Michael (again, not a doctor) was very insightful and while I do not currently buy my own groceries, when I start to in the next ten or fifteen years, I hope I remember these lessons and pay the extra cash for the 1950s sized chickens.

Photo: Food, Inc.

Here are some rules Dr. Michael deemed necessary to begin the food revolution of which this country is in dire need. I wonder if Enjolras from Les Miserables will lead this revolution as well. I hope he brings his big red flag.

1. Eat foods your great grandmother would recognize as food.

Hear you on this one but I would argue that there are plenty of healthy foods out there that my great grandmother may have a question or two about. What about Cheerios? Would Great Grammy Johnson recognize Cheerios? I don’t think she would but I don’t think that should be a reason not to eat them. Not only do babies love them but I find with a fresh banana sliced in there it is a delectable breakfast. And there’s only one gram of sugar in all those O’s…hey! Did you know? (Are you singing this jingle in your head like I am Tina?)

2. Eat foods with ingredients 3rd graders can pronounce.

I’m sure the point he is trying to make is that fruits and vegetables and meats don’t have ingredients lists on them, a solid indicator that they are not processed. But I could eat a piece of fried chicken with the assurance that most third graders can read the words “flour, egg, chicken, and oil” or I could eat a FiberOne granola bar and get down on myself because “chicory root” isn’t featured anywhere in their spelling books. Which do I choose Dr. Michael? What then? Also fun fact, have you ever looked at the ingredients list on the back of a box of Sun Maid raisins? I kid you not under ingredients it says: raisins.

3. Eat  foods that will eventually rot.

When Dr. Michael got to this rule, he described a food item he purchased as a prop (clearly referring to a Twinkie) that was as vibrant and spongy as the day he bought it two years prior.  I love that he slid in there that it was just a prop, nothing he would ever actually consider eating. What, on the side do you do comedy routines in the style of Carrot Top? What rounds out your prop list? A twinkie, a hat with an ironic phrase, and a twelve pound chicken? I bet Dr. Michael secretly scarfed those twinkies down like they were made of grass fed beef.

4. Eat all the junk food you want but you have to cook it yourself.

The only example he gave for this rule was “make your own french fries! It’s a pain to do so you’ll do it less!” Again great advice but what happens when I want to eat Skittles sir? Do you have a recipe for that? Do you have a good recipe for powdered cheese because then I WILL cook my own mac and cheese. Does Williams-Sonoma sell an Oreo maker? Solve those problems for me and I’m on board.

5. Eat FOOD.

When I am already acting mindless enough to take mental notes during a talk show, there is nothing I hate more than when the expert ends his to-do lists with a generic piece of unhelpful advice. Just because you are implying with your inflection that the word FOOD was in all caps does not mean that you have ended your tutorial with an aha moment. This is like a fitness trainer ending a laundry list of get fit tips with “and finally go EXERCISE.”  I understand your point Dr. Michael. When you say FOOD you mean to suggest TOMATOES not Cheetos because one is GOOD FOR YOU and the other leaves residue on your fingers. It just felt a little trite to me. You know like going to a seminar on dating and the last but not least most important rule is “believe in yourself.” It was like that.

To be honest the most important thing I learned during that hour was that Chipotle is good for me. Lord help me if I haven’t been thinking about a chicken burrito ever since. I texted my friend (a friendship based on a mutual love of Chipotle) and she promised we could get it on Sunday. So my weekend plans are all set. The big lesson to take away from all of this is that the more TV you watch, the more you learn. I’m going to suggest this as a tagline for the “More You Know Campaign” on NBC. I think Conan O’Brien should do it. Oh wait….alright just give it to Mariska Hargitay.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: Before I made it in stand up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway.
Liz: That’s not a real job.
Tracy: Oh yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?