Well, you know, relationships end. People move on.

Dear Tina,

Alright so here we go. American Idol aired their ninth season finale this week and it was, without a doubt, one of the most withered ends to one of the most mediocre seasons in the show’s history. Take it back you say? I can’t. Let’s get the rehashing of the performances over with first considering they were probably the six least significant moments of the two day, three hour finale.

Following suit with seasons past, each contestant was asked to sing three songs. I was really counting on the producers bringing back the boxing theme from season seven as it was so wonderfully awkward to see David Archuleta giggle his way through pretend jabs at David Cook, but alas this final performance episode had no room for such horseplay.

After a diplomatic coin toss last week (wow, this really is like the Super Bowl for karaoke), Crystal elected to go second. A smart move considering history shows that this decision has no bearing on whether you win or lose. I find that it’s nice to get it over with but I guess for me that applied more to performing ill-prepared monologues in college where as these two actually have something at stake. Eh.

Round 1: Favorite Performance of the Season

Lee DeWyze, The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. I suspect there are restrictions on choosing a song from just last week for your favorite song of the season. Otherwise, there is no reason why Lee would not have chosen “Hallelujah.” The vocal on this felt a little desperate. Like Lee knew the stakes were high so he had to make the song sound more impressive or challenging than when he first performed it. Not a great interpretation of the category when the way you sang it the first time is what garnered such positive feedback. Kara suggested he should have “punched harder” followed by examples of what punching looks like. Simon told Lee that he expected more passion and excitement. “That was a kiss on the cheek when I want a kiss on the lips.” Insert squeals from Seacrest.

Crystal Bowersox, Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. This song was also my favorite of Crystal’s from the season. It came at a time when she seemed to understand the unspoken rule of humbleness when speaking to the judges. Crystal certainly took the prize for this round, reminding the audience what a unique character she has brought to a competition that has really lacked dimensionality in terms of contestants the past few seasons. Randy thought it was dope (good one) and Kara told her she had fire in her belly tonight. Are you calling me fat? Simon declared that with that performance the competition had begun, adding “That was great.” No you are!

Round 2: Executive Producer Simon Fuller’s choice

Lee DeWyze, Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. Great song choice for Lee but I have noticed that Simon Fuller always picks a song that the contestant basically already did. Talk about playing it safe. A gospel choir made an appearance for the performance. What is this, Clay Aiken singing Bridge Over Troubled Water? They should have used a bagpiper instead. It would have felt much more personal. Randy said that he could feel that Lee that he loves by the end. Kara told him that it wasn’t the best vocal but that he is so emotionally accessible and “I love that about you.” Yeah, I’ll give you that. Simon, acting as the stern father he never got to be, told Lee “I want a 10 out of 10 because you’re capable of that.” Yes sir. Lee proceeded to walk off the stage to Charlie Brown’s gloomy theme music.

Crystal Bowersox, Black Velvet by Alannah Myles. Is it just me or could you have sworn that this song was by someone more famous? Anyway, one thing I have always resented American Idol for is making their contestants do things for staging purposes that clearly have no relation to the contestant’s personality or natural rhythm. For example, making Crystal walk down the stairs sans guitar, avec sky high heels. It’s the biggest night of her life, coordination is the last thing she should have to manage. Randy had momentary “that was hot!” turrets, repeating this “analysis” a couple of times before passing it over to Ellen. Simon complained that after nine years of hearing that song (we miss you Kimberly Caldwell!) he is practically allergic to it. But in his very Simon way of complaining before praising, he continued on, saying, “You took the song and you absolutely nailed it…REALLY good.” I can’t remember if there was a wink but even if there wasn’t those words would have had me floating up to the high heavens.

Round 3: Single to be Released

Lee DeWyze, Beautiful Day by U2. Hold up. Why on Earth is the song they are potentially releasing to the radio a cover song? What stations are supposed to play it? Top 40? In all my time spent in the car listening to the radio, I have never heard an identical cover of a hit from 2000 coming in after a Black Eyed Peas song. This does not bode well. The performance was Lee’s strongest of the night but still not his best of the season and he really needed that. Maybe it was the metallic hoodie he was wearing that distracted him. Ellen commended him for being fully present and said she loved that he could get to that place for the song. Kara felt like he had gotten swallowed by the song but that his journey and growth on the show earned him the right to be standing where he was. By the finale I think the judges really come alive with the most grandiose comments they can think of, whether they’re deserved or not. I loved what Simon said when he reminded all of us that “this show is about giving someone a break.” And I fell in love with it and him all over again. Simon told Lee that “I genuinely wish the best for you” and Lee assured us that no matter what, he will be doing this for the rest of his life. So, your hearts can rest easy tonight Mount Prospect.

Crystal Bowersox, Up to the Mountain by Patty Griffin. Seriously, you want this song on the radio? Right after “Can’t Be Tamed” by Miley Cyrus? Ok. I suspect the producers just got worried that Kara was going to volunteer to write the winner’s song again (Just when you almost gave up on your dreams/They take you by the hand and show you that you can — never again Kara). I actually liked her performance. Speaking to the evening as a whole, Crystal was the clear winner and I think proved herself to be a much more artistic singer than Lee. Ellen said she was in a league of her own. And she was. Crystal was a game changer and opened this competition up to so many more talented singers out there who never would have thought to audition the same way Chris Daughtry did for rockers four years ago. Kara reminisced about Crystal spending much of the season with her walls up: “I couldn’t see what was going on inside you and tonight that’s all I could see.” Oh Kara, sometimes you say things that make me regret being so hard on you. That was insightful. Simon reminded the audience that this was going to be his last critique ever and for that reason, succinctly put, “That was outstanding.”

After the final judging Ryan came out and asked Crystal if she was beside herself with those comments. “Actually, I’m beside Ryan Seacrest right now.” Aaaaand, you just cost yourself the win. I warned you.

So because of the standard three round circus seen on Tuesday, Idol producers decided to seize the opportunity to shake things up on night two and have the two hour long season finale, for the first time ever, have nothing to do with the two contestants competing for the title. I think I saw less of Lee and Crystal Wednesday night than I did during the Chicago auditions. The night was really about what the show has been about all season, the judges. One judge in particular of course, Simon Cowell who bid us farewell in the only way he knew how: with 80% of his shirt unbuttoned.

For the historic event, they allowed onto the stage every singer with an album to promote as well as every singer or band that had an album to promote in 1976. All of these performances were blended with vocals from various combinations of Idol’s Top 12. I was most upset about the decision to have the Top 6 girls do a Christina Aguilera medley. By that point we knew any song performed by the Idols was going to lead to an introduction of the original artist so to have to sit through Lacey Brown and Siobhan Magnus emote their way through Beautiful knowing Christina was about to come out and slash their dreams with her vocal runs was downright depressing. Michael Lynche returned after spending a solid thirty seconds with his newborn daughter and performed “Taking It To The Streets” with Michael McDonald. Was Paul Anka not available for the biggest night in music television? I think this quote from one of my favorite movies of all time sums up my feelings on this decision pretty nicely:

I would rather watch “Beautician and the Beast”. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear “Yah Mo B There” one more time, I’m going to “Yah Mo” burn this place to the ground.

Janet Jackson was given approximately 45 minutes to sing complete with a coat that kind of looked like pants and later a unitard.

Casey James was given a solo performance but as soon as he started strumming that guitar and singing the opening lyrics to “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” I knew what was coming. “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME BRETT MICHAELS!” AHHHHHHH. It was the best part of the night. He’s such a survivor. It made me briefly consider sending in an audition tape for the next season of Rock of Love but knowing me I would show up wearing a turtleneck from J. Crew and this would be my competition:

So I’m putting that plan on the back burner for now.

The final tribute to Simon started with a special appearance from Paula Abdul and it made me sincerely nostalgic for the days when Idol still felt like a family and not an enterprise. And Ryan Seacrest had highlights. Though Paula’s inability to form a coherent sentence reminded me of how nice it would have been to have DVR back in those glory days, you could feel how much the audience missed her and how second rate Kara and Ellen were feeling. Sorry bout it.

After a multitude of montages involving horrific acting on behalf of Randy Jackson and more than one shot of the staged make out between Simon and Paula back in season 2 or 3, the musical tribute began. Kelly Clarkson came out singing “Together We Are One” followed by Reuben “I’m a Vegan now” Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, and just when you thought they didn’t invite Taylor Hicks, out he came as well. Kris Allen finished out the winner’s circle, confirming that David Cook did indeed decline to come. That’s ok because David Archuleta was granted permission to stay up past his bed time and led the pack of other former Idol contestants on stage to join in on the performance. It was a fitting moment for a man that truly changed the lives of all these aspiring singers as well as the face of television as a whole.

I’m already missing him and with his departure from American Idol, I now turn my full attention to The X-Factor. See you in September Simon.

Oh, and Lee won. He was pretty happy about it.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Why would Jack just assume we’re lesbians.
Gretchen: I am a lesbian.
Liz: Hmm, that’s awesome.

Hey, threesome? How about it?

Dear Tina,

By the time the third contestant came round last night to perform, this trio officially marked season 9 American Idol: Acoustic-Off 2010. Seriously, in all nine seasons that I have diligently watched (except season 6 which, really, no one cared about), there has never been so much emotional guitar strumming. Granted, instruments have only been allowed to accompany the performers in the last couple of season, but still I don’t imagine, even if given the opportunity, Fantasia Barrino or Clay Aiken would have picked up an acoustic guitar to engage our hearts and capture our votes. We finally whittled our way down to the top 3 which should have meant less work for me but of course each contestant had to sing twice. The night was divided into two rounds, the contestants’ choice and the judges’ choice. In both instances Casey left his hair down and with that I knew his journey was over. That, and he performed poorly. Let’s take a look.

Round 1: Contestants’ Choice

Casey James, Ok, It’s Alright With Me by Eric Hutchinson. A song this obscure is truly only appropriate during the original audition when it doesn’t so much matter what you’re singing as it does what you sound like. Sure it would be nice if this competition were solely about singing talent but nothing about the entertainment industry is solely about talent. I mean, Ke$ha has the number 10 most purchased song of all time on iTunes. The other reason why I was disappointed Casey chose this song was because it invited the almost too predictable critique from Randy, “It’s like the song says, it was just aiight for me.” Ellen told Casey that this was the night he needed to bring something bigger and Simon said if he was having dinner, that was salad. No one loves a nice metaphor more than SC. Well, if we weren’t sure of your departure before the episode began, I’m afraid we are now. Someday Casey will wake up and realize that American Idol was, in fact, not a jam band competition.

Crystal Bowersox, Come Through My Window by Melissa Etheridge. Moving in the opposite direction of Casey who picked an artist best known for his work on the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 soundtrack, Crystal chose a song that fit her as an artist perfectly. When it came to the performance, however, there was a rushed quality to Crystal’s voice that seemed to take away from Melissa Etheridge’s raw sound. Also, her choice to include the harmonica in her instrumentation (and in her accessories) didn’t necessarily give her the edge, it just gave me anxious hoping she had enough breath at the end to even play it properly. But in spite of these really minor setbacks, Crystal played by the rules and proved herself a great artist doing so. She picked a song people wanted to hear her sing and though Simon criticized saying, “not the most stunning version of the song we’re ever going to hear,” he commended her for never compromising herself as an artist, “I have a lot of respect for you for that.” And from Simon, that’s all you really need.

Lee DeWyze, Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Suddenly this competition has become the Lee show, which is pretty incredible considering the memory of him singing “Fireflies” by Owl City during the top 24 is burned in my memory. In the bad way. The man has come a long way and I’m delighted he has because he is incredibly talented and believably humble. When he was finished, Randy channeled Oprah and shouted “SOMEBODY FEELS LIKE THEY COULD WIIIIIIINNNNN THHHIIIISSSSS! HERE COMES JOHN TRAVOLTAAAAA!” Hmm, actually now I can’t remember if he said that second part or not… Kara commended Lee for showing us “everything you’ve got” and awarded him champion of round 1. Simon, perking up for the first time since the show started, told him it was a brilliant song choice and that he had crushed the other two. He did. It was without a doubt the strongest performance of the round and the only song/arrangement that fit the performer and the circumstances of the evening. When asked why he chose that song, Lee said “When I play it I’m really happy to be playing it.” So, no points awarded for articulation.

Round 2: Judges’ Choice

Casey James, Daughters by John Mayer. Alright so Kara and Randy selected this song for Casey. Kara explained their her choice of song because she feels that Casey’s audience is women and girls and this was the perfect song because it speaks to them and he can show them his vulnerable side. And then in an overtly sexual way she added, “So give it to them.” First of all, drink every time Kara says vulnerable. Second of all, and I say this as a John Mayer fan, I hate this song. It should be put on reserve for brides not creative enough to come up with something more unique for their father/daughter dance. Final 3, final song? No, no. After the performance Simon criticized the song selection and said “…they’ve chosen a song where the climax is a quite limp guitar solo and I think I hold these two slightly responsible for not working with you harder to give you a much bigger vocal moment.” Kara of course interrupted him explaining that the notes of the song are all in the same range and the song is about the emotion more than the vocals. Simon tried his best to ignore this insufficient argument and continued to say, “The song didn’t have that wow factor.” And Kara retorted, “Because that’s the way it’s written!” THAT’S HIS POINT KARA, YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED A DIFFERENT SONG. Oh my gosh, I am not going to miss her after next week. Sorry Casey, you lost.

Crystal Bowersox, Maybe I’m Amazed by Paul McCartney. Honestly the biggest surprise of the evening for me was that Ellen was allowed to pick a song for one of the contestants by herself instead of Kara, the now two year veteran. That’s really neither here nor there because I suspect being partnered up with Randy is a lot like working by yourself anyway, but it turned out to be a good move on behalf of the producers because Ellen made an excellent choice for Crystal. Lightyears ahead of her first performance, Crystal reminded the audience how she got so far and even though she never got the memo about standing mute during the judging — save for one or two “thank you’s” — she is an amazing talent. One of the judges commented that she had used parts of her voice that they had never heard before that night. Again, this is the kind of wow factor and risk that Simon argued was missing from Casey’s performance. Simon told Crystal that she can thank Ellen next week for putting her in the final. WINK. Died.

Lee DeWyze, Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen/Jeff Buckley. I wrote earlier in the week that while I was at a party last Saturday, someone who attended Lee’s homecoming told me this was the song Simon chose for Lee. I don’t have any statistics to back this up but honestly “Hallelujah” has to be on the top 10 list of most covered songs of all time. So I was a little disappointed with Simon who clearly is as bored with American Idol as he seems to be. Well bite your tongue Catherine J. because Lee took this number and stole the show! It felt a little bit like he was on a different playing field than the other two, what with the gospel-esque choir behind him and the white lights recreating what heaven must be like if it is in deed, as I believe, a giant stage. Kara, bless her heart, summarized the performance and Lee’s journey the best: “Lee you are what this show is all about. Somebody who starts in one place and ends up here tonight in an incredible, epic moment. You are the heart of this show this season and you just owned the entire night.” Brava Kara, well put. Simon of course got all tingly and smiley because he once again had the best song selection of all the judges. He told him he was a fantastic singer and a great person and hoped he would return next week. If only he had demanded Lee shave that patch of grass under his chin.

One more week. Now that it’s almost over it seems to have gone by in an instant. It seems like just last week I was nervously shaking at the sight of Victoria Beckham’s skeleton during the very first audition episode. Casey was eliminated tonight. Not a surprise. I will miss the way his entire body stood stiff while he sang except for his head which just slightly shook back and forth. It reminded me of my neighbor from senior year of college whose body did the same thing when he was severely intoxicated. So check back in with me for the finale next week. I’ll try to post my thoughts on a day when people are actually still talking about it. And not three days later….eh, my b.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: I walked in your shoes today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I don’t think you did, sir. I’ve just got the one pair and I sleep in them.

I’m gay for Jamie.

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol, Jamie Foxx stopped by to mentor the kids and reminded us that we should be more upset that he has an Oscar. And possibly even more upset that he has a Grammy. Don’t get me wrong. In 2005 I was all about the Booty Call star receiving an Oscar, I like that kind of underdog story, but his manner when informing others on how to achieve success is downright obnoxious. For example, while mentoring Lee DeWyze, Jamie got inches from his face and instructed him to start singing. The only way this tactic could have been more aggressive would be if Jamie started screaming “Sing! Sing!” in German. The reasoning behind this, Jamie later shared, was if Lee can’t handle this then he can’t handle singing in front of 10,000 people. I hear your point there Jamie but the fact of the matter is, Lee has been singing in front of 20 million+ viewers for about three months now so…maybe you want to take a step back. Before the results show aired it was my hope that Michael Lynche would go home in order to have the ultimate emo-acoustic guitar-off in Idol history.

Tonight the theme was music from film. If you were hoping for a country-blues inspired version of “My Heart Will Go On” from Casey James you will be sorely disappointed.

Lee DeWyze, Kiss From a Rose by Seal. I think it’s time someone acknowledge that this song from the Batman Forever soundtrack is not as affective as one might like to believe it is. Sure it has a nice melody but really it should be reserved for background music at a gynecologist’s office or a playlist for a 90s themed party you throw as an excuse to ironically accessorize your outfit with a mini backpack. A disappointing and predictable choice for Lee. Randy threw out some generic advice by telling him he should have chosen a rock song. Really? Because whenever contestants go that route they inevitably choose “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from Armageddon and I have uncomfortable flashbacks to slow dancing in seventh grade. Simon told him that he was trying too hard to sound like the original and other such repetitive nonsense about making it “original” and making it “you.” Lee explained his choice by saying, and I may or may not be paraphrasing here, “I found it and I liked it!” Mmm not the most articulate fellow. That’s ok, your eyes sparkle so you’re safe.

Michael Lynche, Will You Be There by Michael Jackson. Michael stepped into dangerous territory last night if he is at all concerned with my opinion. And I imagine he is. “Will You Be There” from the Free Willy soundtrack is one of my favorite songs of all time. Last summer while sitting around my friend’s kitchen table I threw my head back so aggressively while lip-synching to this song that I hit my head on the glass cabinet behind me. Granted the original song is a bit lengthy but Michael’s 1:40 mishmash of verses and choruses and vocal runs was filled with poor, indulgent decisions. Ellen called the performance “a little bit predictable.” Yes! Ellen! That’s the kind of insight I have been looking for all season. It was predictable. I have a feeling Michael went to the producers and asked which of the song choices could incorporate a gospel choir that could enhance his “soulfulness.” Kara told him that it was a performance he could do in his sleep and a confused Simon said “I can’t connect a whale named Willy and what you just did.” Oh Simon, you’re so British. Just for making one of the greatest songs from the late Michael Jackson so mediocre, Michael needs to back his bags. Also, I’m not sure of the context, but in my notes I wrote “Jamie Foxx reminds me of the most annoying person I’ve ever met.” Sounds about right.

Casey James, Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel. It’s been a day but I’m pretty sure Ryan introduced this song as the theme from The Graduate. Er, couldn’t it be argued that the theme from The Graduate is Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence” as it was used three times in the film and the version of “Mrs. Robinson” as the radio knows it was not actually the version you hear in the film? I think I could make that argument but you’re a Top 40 guy Ryan so I’ll let it slide. Now with Casey’s performance, first of all, get those girls swaying and clapping behind him away from him. We know they’re doing it because a producer told them to and they want to be on TV. It’s distracting. If the song wasn’t about an older woman’s seduction of a recent college graduate, then I would say the way Casey sang it sounded almost like something you’d hear performed at a church youth group. It lacked a mature quality and bordered on being hokey. The judges were a mess when it came time to critique, making about a dozen references to Kara being a cougar preying on Casey. That joke wasn’t funny the first time it was mentioned four months ago and I am disappointed to see that they are so unoriginal as to bring up again this far into the competition. Simon finally reeled it in, acknowledging that Casey actually has a lot on the line here and as much as Kara would like to believe differently, it’s not about her. He told him “It was a little bit lazy and I think you could have made more of an impact.” Get in the game Case, it’s top 4.

Crystal Bowersox, I’m Alright by Kenny Loggins. This song from Caddyshack was by far the most original song choice of the group and went on to be the strongest solo performance of the night. But unfortunately during movie week, that was kind of like taking home the least amount of Razzies. Still, Crystal came back after two bad weeks and proved that she is as talented as we thought and as creative as her dreadlocks make her appear to be. Ellen told her that she had taken the song and made it better — true –and Kara, suffering a bout of tourettes, told Crystal “Artist. Artist. Artist.” Solid advice as always. Simon told Crystal that she was back in the game and then WINKED! I tell you if I had a dying wish it would be for Simon Cowell to wink at me. During the judging their were multiple camera shots to and multiple conversations regarding Crystal’s boyfriend who must have been moments away from bedtime because he was dressed in a high school gym shirt and American flag pants. Patriotism in the form of pants will not get you points, sir. Briefly, this song reminded me of this gem from Arrested Development which is far more entertaining than the song itself:

Lucille: How’s my son?
Doctor: He’s going to be all right.
Lindsay Funke: Finally some good news from this guy.
George Michael Bluth: There’s no other way to take that.
Doctor: That’s a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don’t know that I’d take it this well.
Lucille: But you said he was alright.
Doctor: Yes, he’s lost his left hand. So he’s going to be “all right.”

There were two duet performances interspersed in last night’s episode, first Lee and Crystal and later a closing number from Casey and Michael. The judges all agreed that both performances were enormously better than any solo they had heard that night. It was a little sad to see the pairings because clearly the producers were presenting your top two and your soon-to-be-forgotten two. Michael and Casey sang “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” from Don Juan DeMarco. Ellen chimed in, “As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman.” Cue uproarious laughter. Aww, everyone loves a lesbian joke as told by a lesbian. Lee and Crystal blew every performance from this season to date out of the water with “Falling Slowly” from Once. Enjoy below.

Michael Lynche did go home and no one was more upset about than his wife. Which was sweet, but also just reminded me that Michael skipped out on the birth of his child for this so…hope it was worth it. Next week the top three go home and we the viewers get to see great footage of Arlington Race Track during Lee’s homecoming. Chicago’s northern suburbs should be so proud.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jenna: He was flirting. Did you ever even talk to him?
Liz: I yelled at him about a rule violation.

It’s like jazz. Jazz that you can laugh at. Ah ha ha ha!

Dear Tina,

How much time do you think it would take for five people to perform songs with each one lasting no more than two and a half minutes? Well if you used your basic math skills you might guess seven and a half minutes. Well you would be wrong. It takes an hour. Last night I caught American Idol after it originally aired which turned out to be a good thing because while FOX dedicated an entire hour to the show, I managed to see everything I needed to see in approximately 23 minutes. It was Frank Sinatra night mentored by the wonderfully hilarious Harry Connick Jr. A genre that really doesn’t fit any singer other than Frank Sinatra, Frank Sinatra impersonators on America’s Got Talent, and Harry Connick Jr. It was a night of a lot of yeah-I-guess-that-was-good’s. Let’s take a look.

Aaron Kelly, Fly Me to the Moon. Well Aaron gets two points last night for wearing a suit vest, the first fitted article of clothing he’s worn all season. Apparently his dad ran out of leather jackets from the 1980s to borrow. When Aaron walked into his rehearsal, HCJ, as he will be known for the rest of this post, shouted “Big Mike!” Funny! I wish all mentors were musically and comedically talented. I may have actually listened to what Miley Cyrus had to say had she been even slightly more amusing than a cardboard cutout version of herself. After his performance, where he looked awfully serious considering you can’t get much more lighthearted than Sinatra, Randy reminded Aaron that they are at the stage in the competition where the judges really need to see who is in it to win it. Haven’t they been saying that since, like, the top 11? Anyway, Kara told Aaron he could stand to have a bit more charisma and needed to fill the stage with his presence. But observing his wilting body language she quickly adds, “This isn’t a negative, this is constructive criticism. Ok honey?” So actually it’s not constructive criticism, it’s condescending criticism. Also, supporting Aaron in the audience last night was the cast of Steel Magnolias. Or maybe just his mom and her friends. Hard to tell. He’ll be safe this week, I’m sure, but if he makes it to the top three I’m moving to Canada.

Casey James, Blue Skies. The ponytail was back so as far as I’m concerned he could have howled like an alley cat during his performance and I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Before cueing to his video package, Ryan sat with Casey on stage and once again made reference to Casey’s good looks and large female fan base. I honestly think Ryan gets more excited about Casey being a heart throb than Casey does. In an attempt to stray away from Ryan’s ogling, Casey told a story about his friend who called him up last week to see if he was available for a gig on Tuesday. So Casey’s inner circle is out of touch with mainstream culture. Shock. It’s not hard for me to imagine how Casey fits into a group like that. Sometimes I think Casey just stumbled onto this enormous platform, saw an audience, grabbed a guitar, shrugged and said “Alright, let’s tear it up!” When it came time to perform, a guitarless Casey struggled with how to make use of his mic-free hand. The poor guy needed a coffee mug to hold on to or something. The judges collectively disliked the performance mainly because he sung it poorly. Not a good sign. Considering he’s been in the bottom two for the past two weeks, and America seems to have an affinity for David Archuleta types, I’m afraid Casey’s time may have come.

Crystal Bowersox, Summer Wing. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching someone do something that was clearly not their idea and therefore they deliver the direction extremely awkwardly. Such was my experience watching Crystal sit next to HCJ at the start of her song and then stroke his arm like a middle schooler trying her hand at flirting for the first time. Crystal looked stunning in a strapless gown and thanks to the Idol makeover machine, they managed to almost completely mask her dreadlocks with a swanky up-do. Seriously if you were to do a screen split of Crystal at her audition and Crystal last night, you would have sworn it was two different people. Kind of like the before and after images of Heidi Montag during the current opening credits for The Hills—except not terrifying. During the judging there were a variety of synonyms for “meh” used to describe how the first three felt. So it was a relief when Simon’s turn came, who nailed the problem right on the head. As I mentioned last week, Crystal has a tendency to talk back to the judges when defending her selection and arrangement. Simon aptly reminded her that “It’s not about just singing for yourself anymore. It’s about using this opportunity to nail it week after week after week.” While I appreciate Crystal’s desire to express different sides of her musical ability, it’s still a competition and if you were a track star you wouldn’t jog during a sprint just to show people how versatile you are. Step it up.

Michael Lynche, The Way You Look Tonight. I’d like to refer back to a frequent criticism of Simon’s and that is to say someone or something was indulgent. Michael Lynche that hat you wore last night for Sinatra week was indulgent. I just…the hat, the vest, the wallet chain. It’s overkill. It’s like the American Idol equivalent of a “hottest bachelors” photo shoot where all the men are playing frisbee on the beach shirtless. Really Michael, you have swagger, I get it. His performance was solid and I think he has continued to prove that it wasn’t a total waste using the judges save on him a few weeks back. After he sang, Randy pulled out an old staple from his bag of acclamations with, “That’s what I’m talking about!” which is usually followed by a half-stand and a two-finger point at the contestant. Ellen praised him for being the most comfortable on stage and moving with the greatest ease of any of the five contestants left. A bit ironic considering his biceps are the size of Aaron Kelly sitting down so I wouldn’t call him limber, but nevertheless true. Michael won’t win the competition but it’s kind of fun to think back to the auditions and realize that a guy you never gave half a chance to is truly holding his own through the end.

Lee DeWyze, That’s Life. Old Blue Eyes anyone? Did he have a procedure done to make his eyes sparkle like that? I don’t know if anyone else caught this but when it cut to Lee right before the commercial break when he was up in the balcony he absolutely winked at the camera. Um, was that for votes? Because it worked. Well in my heart it worked, I didn’t actually make a call. HCJ referred to Lee as “a new and improved version of me” which I don’t really think is fair because were HCJ to knock on my door I wouldn’t turn him away hoping for someone younger. I’m just saying. After listening to the praise Michael Lynche received, I was struck by Lee’s stage presence, which reminded me of a college freshman giving a presentation in Speech Comm 100. Regardless, he sang the song phenomenally and may have officially jumped rank and become my first choice to win. Kara asked Lee, with the aggression of a schoolyard bully, “do you think you can win this??” Ahh yes just stop yelling at me! Simon spoke on behalf of the other judges for no other reason other than he can, and announced Lee’s performance the best of the night. Pretty nice except that such a grand compliment was attached to Simon reminding him that he had no one but HCJ to thank for that:”He brought out your personality, your confidence.” So Lee you may want to hire him as your permanent mentor. Or Usher. Your call.

We’re getting down to the wire. By the end of the month we’ll have our 9th idol to…idolize…for a few shorts weeks before they become the opening act for the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. Well in anticipation here’s hoping Kara isn’t responsible for writing the winner’s song this year. Save ourselves from another “You’ll make it through the pain/Weather the hurricanes/To get that one thing” travesty like last year. To get to that one thing, huh? I see specificity was never your forte Ms. DioGuardi.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Oh you idiot with your stupid face! You look like Gene Simmons had sex with a basset hound!

Well, who’s this southern peach?

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol the contestants took a swing at the songbook of country sensation Shania Twain. Did you know that Shania has the best selling album of all time for a female recording artist? And that it was also the best selling Country album of all time? Well Wikipedia.com knew and now so do I. The album, Come on Over, featured sixteen tracks, twelve of which became singles. Pretty impressive considering current singing sensation Justin Bieber only has ten songs total on his number one album. I was really hoping one of the contestants would tackle “That Don’t Impress Me Much”, preferably Aaron Kelly if for no other reason than to hear him say “Ok. So you’re Brad Pitt!” And maybe he too would have worn a leopard print hoodie for the performance as Shania did in the music video. Turns out things went a bit more predictably and all leopard hoodies were left on the racks. Maybe they’ll find a way to incorporate them in next week’s tribute to Frank Sinatra. On to the performances.

Lee DeWyze, You’re Still the One. I was reminded last night when Shania Twain told Lee he was “rushing the guitar a little bit” that the advice to slow down or speed up is virtually all these mentors ever offer. Either that or they just say something about how proud they are to hear the song sung so well by another artist (and then you realize they’re talking to Aaron Kelly and that they’re lying). Lee did sound great, in the predictable way that he always sounds great when singing with an acoustic guitar and a raspy voice. Randy told Lee he had found his sweet spot in this lower register, an observation that could have been made after hearing Lee at his audition, and therefore irrelevant. Ellen made the unfortunate mistake of opening with a pun, “All aboard the Shania Twain!”, and now I can no longer say the singer’s name without feeling like I have a speech impediment. Kara used the song’s lyrics as an awkward segue into telling Lee “look how far you’ve made it!” and proceeded to interrupt Simon when he tried to talk leaving Lee without any criticism or praise from the only judge he cares to hear it from. If only Kara’s need to be the only voice heard in the room was a solitary occurrence last night…

Michael Lynche, It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing. While I was taking notes I initially wrote down “It Only Hurts When You’re Breathing” which definitely has violent undertones so I was glad to realize my error. I had never heard this song before which is good for Michael because after he sang it, I honestly couldn’t imagine it as anything other than an R&B record. That being said, Michael has a tendency to sing every song as if he were singing “I’ll Cover You (Reprise)” from Rent. For those that don’t know, that song is sung in tribute to the character’s dead lover. So…tone down the drama Michael. The camera cut to the audience just in time to see Shania’s single tear rolling down her cheek and cut back to Michael just in time to see him lick his lips 17 more times before he was through singing. When it was over, Ellen compared him to Luther Vandross (accurate) and Simon described his performance style as “wet.” Before given an opportunity to elaborate, Kara once again interrupted him and we had the second awkward transition back to Ryan of the night.

Casey James, Don’t. Sweet Casey decided to clear his head after winding up in the bottom two last week and for our sake did so outside of a spray tan booth. A far cry from that lovely shade of orange he was sporting last week, Casey looked delightful with his hair down and what appeared to be a whale’s tooth around his neck. Also, for the first time I noticed how similar his hair texture is to Taylor Swift’s. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or not, but I’m leaning towards not. Get that guy a hair tie. During his video introduction Casey reveals that this song will give him a chance to do something he hasn’t done yet: sing. Uh, what exactly have you been doing this whole time? Whatever it was clearly you’ve distracted your audience with winking and smiles because they keep voting for you regardless. After the performance though, I think I see his point. Vocally he finally took the risk Kara has been asking him to take all season. Kara tells him, and I may be paraphrasing, “Artists do not hide the good, the bad, the ugly. You were vulnerable, you were raw. You didn’t cover it up, you didn’t hide.” He’s not going through rehab, let’s all catch our breath. The judges gave a resounding “best performance from you so far” and Casey is sure to be safe this week.

Crysal Bowersox, No One Needs to Know. I mean, yeah, the night that everyone else kind of amps things up was not the night for you to decide to perform in the style of a basement jam session. I’m nervous because Crystal was virtually the only one who received any negative feedback so hopefully her fan base is larger and more aggressive than I am imagining. I think Crystal is stunning but considering the American Idol voting demographic is girls between the ages of 12 and 12 ½, her dreadlocks and enormous back tattoo may not be doing her any favors. Crystal and half a dozen other musicians playing center stage with her, strummed through this number that I am fairly certain only Shania Twain herself has ever listened to. Randy complimented her for keeping it country during what was essentially country week. Simon was most succinct with his judgement when he said “Shocker. We don’t like Crystal this week.” Yes, they can waste time bemoaning “it wasn’t your best” or “that’s not what we expect from you” (and boy did they) or we can call a spade a spade and move on. No it wasn’t great. But it still showcased passion and skill and for that Crystal should be safe. The most disappointing moment was when Crystal talked back to the judges. Ugh, honestly did we learn nothing from Justin Guarini in season 1? Take your criticisms like a gentleman or a lady and hope for the best. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

Aaron Kelly, You’ve Got A Way. Someone had a birthday! Yes our little Aaron is all…but one year away from being an adult. It still feels like infinity. With Aaron, and I don’t just say this because his presence in this competition annoys me so much, but I really think that week to week people kind of forget he’s still around. Up until last week, us faithful (and wise) Idol fans were crabby all day on Tuesday knowing we had to come home and watch another Tim Urban performance but at least we remembered it was coming. When Aaron shows up to sing you’re kind of like “oh yeah, that kid.” So who’s voting for him? Yeah, his mom, I know, but seriously who else? I try to always give credit where credit is earned and Aaron definitely sang his song well last night. But that’s kind of like the time a few years ago when I was singing leisurely in my friend’s basement and he said “oh that note sounded good.” Really? Just the one? Yes Aaron, just this one. Kara was glad that Aaron had rephrased the line “It’s in the way we make love” because that was something, she thinks, he hasn’t experienced yet. And I was glad he changed it too after it was revealed that he had dedicated the song to his mother. In conclusion, I hope he goes home tonight.

Siobhan Magnus, Any Man of Mine. During their time together, Shania told Siobhan that she was playing a role in this song and that she needed to get into character. Isn’t Siobhan kind of enough character on her own? Last time she tried on too many characters she wound up coming on stage covered in butterflies. Ellen, regrettably, told Siobhan “Way to pull the Shania Twain into the station.” The more time I spend on this Earth the more I realize how much I hate puns. While Simon was beginning to say “The screaming at the end may have been a bit…” he was interrupted again by Kara. Really Kara, sometimes I try and look for reasons to embrace you as a judge and it has become an uphill battle. When Simon was given the opportunity to continue speaking, he told her to watch her facial expressions when she goes into shrill mode. I likened the look on Siobhan’s face during her final wail to that of someone suffering constipation, Simon compared it to child birth. Either way, hone that in. It is your money maker after all. For those that like to pay money for that sort of thing.

So we’re halfway through the top 12 and looking back I can’t even remember some of the contestants that were with us not too long ago. Paige Miles? Was that someone I went to middle school with? Tonight we lose one more and God willing it’s not Crystal, Lee, or Casey. The talent this season was already verging on intolerable so to lose one of the performers I actually looked forward to seeing would be a shame. And by shame I mean I would consider discontinuing the season recording on my DVR. What would be the point? To watch instant replay of Siobhan parading around in the costume rejection collection from Romy and Michele’s High School Reuinon? I’d rather watch Cougar Town.

Update: Siobhan went home. Fine.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: What makes you laugh?
Kenneth: The usual I suppose. Two hobos sharing a bean. Lady airline pilots.

Sir, I accidentally saw your paycheck. Well I hope it was inspirational.

Dear Tina,

The number of contestants on American Idol is finally starting to dwindle significantly. Great news for me as it means I have less work to do on Wednesdays. This week was Inspiration Week with guest mentor Alicia Keys. Not the most inspirational singer I can think of but I guess Enrique Iglesias was busy. Onto the performances.

Casey James, Don’t Stop by Fleetwood Mac. Casey returned this week well rested after spending the majority of his time in between performances in a tanning booth. Holy orange skin, did you get confused and think you were suddenly competing on Dancing With The Stars? You’re from Texas–the sun-kissed look was working much better for you. The judges were less than pleased with Casey’s performance. Ellen reminded Casey that the competition is getting to the stage where she has to start getting tougher. “Someone is going home every week.” Well, yes, but it’s kind of been like that for awhile now but I hear what you’re saying. Kara criticized Casey for making himself sound like everybody else and said for the umpteenth time this season that she was really “frustrated.” Your role as judge is to be objective so please, was it good or bad and why, spare us your inner turmoil. Simon noted that the song wasn’t exactly inspirational, which unfortunately is true. It’s the kind of song you’d put on a playlist for a cocktail party if you wanted all music selections to be neutral.

Lee DeWyze, The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. Praise from the judges (ie “I could see that being on your record.” or “This is you in your element.”) often feels insincere or hyperbolized in the context of the performance. Take Tim Urban’s performance during Elvis week. The judges acted like singing one song slightly above average actually made him a contender in a competition that is looking for a music superstar. But last night when Simon told Lee that he made his rendition of “The Boxer” sound like it was something written a week ago, it was a spot on critique worthy of this performance. Lee transformed the folk rock hit into an edgier, acoustic rock version that encapsulated Lee as an artist. So much so that had you never heard the original, you never would have guessed it was a Simon and Garfunkel song. Yet he still maintained the emotion and, for the sake of the theme, inspiration tied to the song’s lyrics and musicality. Randy commented that “This season is really about artists.” Hold your horses there Randy. This season is really about mediocrity, you just have contestants like Lee and Crystal there to give you hope that there is still enough talent left in the country for this show to stay relevant until your contract is up.

Tim Urban, Better Days by The Goo Goo Dolls. If you can’t inspire America with a Goo Goo Dolls song, that’s like a preacher not being able to inspire his congregation with The Bible. How hard can it be to trigger an emotional response when you’re singing about praying for the world’s children to have a more peaceful future? Well I’ll tell you it becomes a lot harder when your audience is too distracted by your inability to stay on pitch to even consider the children. And that’s where Tim falters a bit. Er, a lot. Kara told Tim that this style of music (meaning the use of an acoustic guitar) is where he belongs but it wasn’t his best execution. There was nothing complicated about this piece, not a single note outside the kid’s comfort zone, so if he can’t execute this well, then what exactly are we waiting for? Ellen, keen on the metaphors, compared Tim to the soup of the day: “sometimes I like the soup and sometimes I don’t like the soup.” I like where Ellen is going with this because I hate soup so when I see the soup of the day I say “pass.”

Aaron Kelly, I Believe I Can Fly by R. Kelly. The only thing I learned about Aaron during Inspiration Week is that he is a fan of the movie Space Jam and/or Michael Jordan. Well, who isn’t so once again Aaron you have proved yourself unremarkable and unmemorable. In case it has slipped your memory, I Believe I Can Fly is the theme song from Space Jam and also apparently the theme song from Aaron’s preschool graduation. A nugget of information disclosed by Aaron after his performance. Sigh. Kara used a flight/airplane metaphor to describe his performance, something about a bumpy take-off. Simon more succinctly said that if he had heard that on the radio he would have turned it off after ten seconds. Think of it as the Plain White T’s effect.

Siobhan Magnus, When You Believe by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. Really? You didn’t want to go for the song that included all of the former divas from Divas Live? You thought two might be more subtle and invite less comparison? I’m sure all of my questions will be answered by Siobhan herself in no less than 2000 words. I don’t know why Siobhan is the only contestant who feels the need (and is allowed) to respond to the judges’ critiques by way of an emotional diatribe on par with Norma Rae’s but we need to shut that down. To make matters worse, or better if you like plastic butterflies hanging off your clothes, the outfit Siobhan was wearing looked like she was promoting absinthe at a college bar. Kara offered this gem of a critique likely to put Siobhan on the fast track to music stardom: “I’m starting to feel like I’d want to hang out with you more than buy your record.” Oh. Ok, so…do you have plans this Friday? With Siobhan, what once felt like originality, now feels overthought and self-conscious. This articulation of how brave she thinks she is when it comes to song choice feels like a guilt trip to keep her in the competition. This isn’t Project Runway, you don’t get to have a conversation about your work. You get to smile and nod at the judges and then show us the number to call with your fingers as if we were mute kindergartners like everyone else does.

Michael Lynche, Hero by Nickelback. I’m sorry, did you not get the memo on Nickelback Mr. Lynche? Their association with the music industry can only be explained by every industry’s desire for a scapegoat as well as their complacency in being ruthlessly mocked for writing lyrics like “Look at this photograph/Everytime I do it makes me laugh.” Shudder. Simon didn’t have much to say regarding Michael’s singing. All he knew was that the song was from Spiderman and as far as he was concerned that made the selection unforgivable. Michael argued that it’s not just about Spiderman because we’re all heroes…on the inside…or something. Although I’m fine with the judges using their only save on Michael (as long as nothing horrific happens over the next two weeks like the early dismissal of Lee or Crystal), when he performs I usually see it as an opportunity to go to the bathroom or refill my water glass. Like a commercial break. If a commercial break had a neck the width of my bed frame.

Crystal Bowersox, People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield. Clearly the producers of American Idol had their heads screwed back on straight after last week, because Crystal returned to her rightful spot as the show’s closer with an original and emotional performance that brought her to tears. It truly was in a class of its own with Crystal taking ownership of the stage and singing with the ease and confidence of a seasoned professional. She continues to interpret each week’s theme with an effort that will cater to her strengths as a performer. She is like no other contestant we have seen in Idol‘s nine season history because her appeal isn’t about belting high notes or being the object of a 12 year old’s affection. She is the only contestant I can remember who seems genuinely motivated by a passion for music as opposed to a desire for opportunity and fame. I hope she wins it all. I believe when she is finally given the opportunity to do her own thing and can pretend the week of Elvis covers were just a bad dream, she will come out with an album that adequately conveys the depth of her relationship with music. On another note, her mic stand from home that finally arrived in Hollywood and was used during her performance, looked like a bong. I’m just saying, there are kids watching.

As you can probably tell based on when this post finally showed up on Dear Tina, this was written after the results show. Tim Urban was sent home. He didn’t get to perform. That time was spent listening to celebrities subtly promote their movies (Queen Latifah and Common making introductions together a coincidence? No.) while overtly promoting malaria-awareness in Africa during Idol Give Back. Well, good luck to you Tim. You now have quite an impressive resume–I’m sure when you return to college there will be a student director ready to snatch you up for the Student Union production of Hair.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: Hello, is anyone there? I’m in a dark tunnel, and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he’s a friend. Oh never mind, there’s a door. Oh! It’s sunny!

Okay, which one of us is gonna give up first?

Dear Tina,

This was said to me at work today as I was writing this post:

In Disney World there was a sign that said “I Love You Greg.” Wait. Actually, it said “I Love You God.”

So many questions there. Why was that poster in Disney World? When did you learn to read, young friend? The answers are, per usual, irrelevant.

Onto the subject of today’s post. Last night American Idol featured the Top 9: Redux. You may recall last week the judges used their save on Michael Lynche so no one was eliminated, leaving the same nine contestants to compete again this week. In general the performances were as mediocre as they were the week before. There is no indication that anyone competing on this show will eventually try to challenge themselves, therefore I might suggest that the producers start airing reruns. Most of us at home won’t even notice. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule and so we take a deeper look at who that might have been and who it was definitely not. The theme of the night was Elvis Presley (blech) and Adam Lambert scampered in to mentor the impressionable minds of the top eight nine.

Crystal Bowersox, Saved. One thing I learned after last night’s episode is that Crystal should never go first. I know there is a level of fairness we need to be concerned with here and you cannot give a contestant the advantage of the finale performance every single week, but putting Crystal first is like Janis Joplin opening for Demi Lovato. That being said, the thing with Crystal is that she’s always good but good at the same thing. While we at home appreciate consistency, she is running the risk of becoming forgettable as all of her performances over the course of the show are starting to blend into one long acoustic guitar version of a chart hit. The judges like her because of this consistency and commend her for ability to interpret different genres in her own style. But the less specific their critiques become, because after awhile what else is there to say, the more forgettable Crystal becomes as contestants like Lee Dewyze continue to make significant improvements.

Andrew Garcia, Hound Dog. I wish I could just have the memory of Andrew as he was during Hollywood week. I want to like him as much as I did then, yet I can’t help but resent him for his horrendously boring performance last night. Not to mention the half a dozen other performances that fall under that same category. During the mentoring session, Adam Lambert suggested that Andrew put some energy in the performance–the poor guy was practically falling asleep right there on Cirque du Soleil’s stage! A good tip for Andrew but, if it was even possible, when it came time for the performance his rendition of “Hound Dog” was even more boring than it was in rehearsal. I may get in trouble for saying this because I have a friend who is a passionate supporter of Andrew’s but last night he truly stood out as the worst. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but even worse than Tim. We’ve lost hope Andrew and now it’s time to go.

Tim Urban, Can’t Help Falling In Love. Although it may seem that I gave Tim a compliment a moment ago, rest assured he was the second worst performance last night. One could argue that he was better than a handful of contestants but Tim remains the second worst by default for being the only contestant who never should have made it to the top 12 to begin with. The judges, on the other hand, were offering him praise hand over fist. This always happens. As soon as the obnoxious kid who is as karaoke as they come slows things down and puts an acoustic guitar on his lap, the judges act like he re-imagined the Gospel. It was fine and as Randy said last week, “it was good for a Tim performance.” I will only buy the idea that Tim is improving when he has the know-how to cut his hair, which looks like a youthful interpreation of the atrocity atop Rod Blagojevich’s head.

Lee Dewyze, A Little Less Conversation. Lee was one of two singers last night who made me forget how much I dislike Elvis music. If you’ll allow me to make up an adjective, his song choice was one of the most Elvis-y of all the performances last night. Hearing it conjures up not only images of the King himself, but of every single Elvis impersonation I have ever seen on television (and I watched Full House so I’ve seen a lot). Lee turned the Elvis classic into a true rock song, changing the musicality of the piece to elicit less hip shaking, more rhythmic clapping. I feel like I am running the risk of sounding like Kara here, but he found his voice in this song and made the performance about his talent instead of Elvis’s.

Aaron Kelly, Blue Sued Shoes. Do I even have to go here? His jacket was five times too large and it made him look five times too small. Which left him somewhere in the range of teeny-tiny and itty bitty. The song was a lackluster choice for Aaron to begin with and continued downhill from the moment he started walking down those stairs. I liked watching the footage of the mentoring session when Aaron almost accidentally added a cub-like growl to one of the lyrics. Adam, who loves a nice growl, kept pushing him to do it more but as soon as Aaron was put to task, he failed to recreate that natural prowess he had stumbled upon and eventually folded under the pressure. To be fair, Aaron admitted that he didn’t know why he chose this song as he can’t relate to it all. Thank you for your candor, but sometimes honesty is not the best policy and cluing us into your obliviousness will not bode well for you in the future.

Siobhan Magnus, Suspicious Minds. Siobhan came back this week and brought along her friend, the scream. Yes, Siobhan has gone back to garnering votes via her upper register and while most of the judges welcomed the return, Simon was afraid to say that it wasn’t as good as it had been in weeks past. He advised her, in his delightfully British way, that she may need to look at other options to serve as her golden goose because those screeching high notes are not producing the results she needs to stay in the competition. He complained that her song choice did not reflect who she is as an artist and suggested she spend time defining that a bit more. Siobhan, looking like she was ready to create a Simon-inspired voodoo doll, argued that she has never viewed herself as just one kind of artist–she’s a lot of things and will continue to perform accordingly. Ok Siobhan, then when your album is shipped to music stores across the country, we’ll just tell the stockers to put your album in the “Not Just One Kind of Singer” category.

Michael Lynche, In The Ghetto. Well Michael definitely had a lot to prove last night. After being eliminated last week and subsequently saved, it was his responsibility to make sure he didn’t prompt a unanimous response of “what were we thinking?” Give yourself a pat on the back Michael, because not only did you prove yourself good enough to be worth saving, but you delivered the best performance of the night. I don’t like to use the word soulful because I think American Idol uses it ad nauseum when it comes to their black contestants and Taylor Hicks, but in this instance Michael embodied the very essence of soul music. It was emotional, melodic, and it seemed to be personal for the singer himself. I would have been fine to see Michael go last week. Tonight I genuinely hope Michael is safe; the results should reflect the talent and Michael’s is exceptional.

Katie Stevens, Baby What You Want Me to Do. Not nearly as significant as the progress she made last week with “Let it Be,” Katie’s performance last night was…fine. There was a lot going on that’s for sure. Katie was all over the stage, at one point jamming–as much as a teenager thinks she can jam–with a horn section. This paved the way for a classic Ellen pun, “It was a very horny song.” Uh, yes, but we’re running short on time so if you could get to the critique of her musical abilities, that would be great. Simon said something critical and insightful. It was hard to understand what exactly it was because Kara kept talking over him as if she hadn’t had enough time to express her opinion a moment ago, and eventually Simon gave in and said “They [the other judges] liked it so it doesn’t really matter what I think.” Part of me hopes that Katie does go home just to emphasize my point that it only matters what Simon thinks but she won’t and she doesn’t really deserve to either.

Casey James, Lawdy, Miss Clawdy. The ponytail was back and I was in heaven. Seriously, the man wears a ponytail better than most women I know. I lost a bit of focus towards the end because Glee was coming up and I was becoming flushed over the anticipation. My memory tells me that it wasn’t his best. He certainly didn’t stand out among the night’s best performances. In fact, as someone who I admire for knowing the genre of music that best fits his voice and style, Casey’s Blues interpretation of this track was bordering on dull. Don’t worry though. As long as Casey’s eyes sparkle at some point while he is on stage (and they always do) then he’ll be safe until we get down to the top four or five and the competition gets really stiff. Kara is right to tell Casey she needs to see him push himself more. Even if this doesn’t feel like a competition, thanks in large part to people like Tim Urban, it most definitely is and it appears Casey has yet to explore anything outside his comfort zone. A hint for Casey, Kara would put a check on that to-do list if you just went into falsetto at the end of a song. That’s all she ever needs.

So as I said, tonight we lose two contestants. That will make for some good TV. Hmm, maybe not. It’s hard to consider something good TV when it takes up an entire hour of primetime to make an announcement that only takes about three minutes. And that’s being generous.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: I’m meeting a book agent about writing a “Deal Breaker” book.  He’s going to take me to lunch where ever I want to go. Do you know if there’s a sit down Quizno’s in Midtown?

I’m not afraid of you. You’re just a big bully, like Simon Cowell. That’s right! I just called you a communist.

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol they mixed things up by opening the show with what appeared to be a Ryan Seacrest floating head on the screen. It looked like something out of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I guess they were just filming his face at a zoom of about 1000 as it eventually went back to regular size Seacrest. Regular size Seacrest also known as miniature size adult. Either way it terrified me so let’s shut that down for the future. Before we get to the contestants I have two items I must address. The first, I am calling for a moratorium on the following phrase and word from the judges.

1. “I saw you were singing that song and I was like ‘what?! That’s weird!'” Ok I don’t know if the judges are bragging that they get to see the song list before we do or if they’re just easily surprised but I don’t need to hear how you felt before the performance. This show is already two hours long–don’t make it lengthier by letting us in on your pre-show fretting.
2. “Swagger.” Telling a contestant that they have swagger or used to have swagger or should have swagger is quickly becoming as helpful as telling a contestant that they were “pitchy” or that it was “all over the place.” Either say something constructive or turn it over to Simon.

The second item is Kara DioGuardi getting a little too comfortable in that judge’s chair. She’s beginning to act like her opinion is as valuable as Simon’s. Like when Simon offers a critique that goes against what Kara just said and Kara pipes in “I totally disagree.” Yes, my dear, we know. We just listened to you speak and we are capable of interpreting contrasting opinions. Also, the incessant flirting with Simon has got to go. Simon gives her an inch and she takes a mile. Watching her flirt with him is like watching the head cheerleader flirt with the captain of the football team when you know he’s slept with everyone on the squad. Cut it out.

On to the talent. And with regards to last night, I use that word loosely. Oh I should mention that the theme last night was Billboard #1 singles and the guest mentor was Miley Cyrus. I can’t wait for that girl’s articulation abilities to surpass a fourteen year old’s.

Lee Dewyze, The Letter by The Box Tops. As I’ve said before, there’s little to complain about when it comes to Lee. He’s easy on the eyes, has a nice voice to listen to, he even has that shy rocker quality about him that makes women feel the need to rescue him from his own vulnerability. That being said, I was a little surprised to hear the first three judges make such a fuss over his performance. I mean, it was fine. They should all be fine, they’re in the top 11 for pete’s sake. Simon came through, as he always does, and told Lee that his performance didn’t define him as a contemporary recording artist. If someone wanted The Letter performed at their wedding, Lee’s performance would be what you’re looking for because it would provide another way for you to utilize that horn section you paid extra for. But this competition is trying to carve a pop star out of a complete unknown and that process requires more creativity and originality than Lee has brought thus far.

Paige Miles, Against All Odds by Phil Collins. Yeesh. This was a performance that even someone who was tone deaf could sense had gone horribly wrong. I take notes while each contestant sings and here I opened my laptop to write “It’s terrible.” Followed by “Oh seriously, it’s terrible” twenty seconds later. Poor Randy was at a loss for words but resigned himself to putting it simply: “Really? Honestly? That was terrible. Really. Honestly.” Kara bemoaned that it appeared Paige had stopped trying and she was right. Before, after, during—Paige looked resolved to stink up the joint. That lack of want on top of being in the bottom two last week is likely to send Paige packing tonight.

Tim Urban, Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen. I have a history of not liking to dedicate too much time and energy toward Tim. We know why. If not, I can continue to remind everyone until he is gone that it was an atrocious decision on behalf of America to vote Tim through and leave Alex Lambert at home while his angelic voice falls on deaf ears. Back to Tim (I guess). As much as Kara was grating on my nerves, I loved that she reminded Tim that he is not a star, he has no real fan base, and therefore should not be moving in and out of the crowd, slapping girls’ hands as if he was someone to idolize. Simon called the performance “pointless” and I threw the remote control at the TV when I saw that he still has not gotten a haircut.

Aaron Kelly, I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. You know what this song reminds me of? Junior high school dances. When I was in seventh and eighth grade this was a slow dance song and the worst song to have someone you didn’t like ask you to dance because it was painstakingly long. For the sake of live TV, Aaron’s version was shortened, yet felt even longer. Aaron had come down with a case of laryngitis and tonsillitis so he was getting a lot of sympathy comments for that. All of the judges appear to be fans of his but I suspect only because they acknowledge he has a good voice, certainly not implying that he should actually win this thing. At the very end Ryan Seacrest referred to him as David Archuleta. Point, Seacrest. Also, please don’t throw around “best of the night” comments when we’re only on contestant four KARA.

Crystal Bowersox, Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. Killed it. This girl is as authentic as this show gets. She is a true artist who knows exactly what style fits her and how to impact an audience with her entire presence. Or as Randy put it, “That is what’s called being a star and being a dope singer.” Ahh just as Jane Austen would have described her. Crystal is clearly Simon’s favorite and I think he was relieved to be able to refer to her as the best performance of the night by the end of the episode. On the more critical side, I have to give Ellen credit for giving Crystal a note that was probably the smartest observation she has made since joining the judges table. Ellen reminded Crystal that she has a huge fan base and people are giving her a lot of love and she wants to be sure Crystal is showing her fans that she is appreciative of their support. I worry with Crystal that her quirkiness (like sitting down on that carpet while Ryan gave out her voting number) is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. But Crystal has Simon in her corner and that can usually take a contestant all the way to the finale.

Michael Lynche, When A Man Loves A Woman by Percy Sledge. Forget Dancing With The Stars, Michael Lynche is the new one man schmaltz fest 2010. Where Michael is now slipping up is the love affair he’s having with himself. Michael seems to want to take on a heartbreaker persona of some sort which is never going to work because his wife gave birth while he was on the show. Not interested. Kara called it loungey and Simon described it as asking for one scoop of ice cream and getting eleven. I reiterate, everyone left in this competition can sing. So the goal should now be to pick a song that the audience will appreciate hearing from you. Michael failed before he even began when he chose one of the most overplayed, can I say schmaltziest?, love songs of all time. No one appreciates that.

Andrew Garcia, I Heard It Through The Grapevine by Marvin Gaye. Ooo, I was dreading getting here. Last week I threatened to step off the Andrew Garcia aka Compton Danny Gokey aka Compton Harry Caray bandwagon if he didn’t pull out something great this week. Off I go. All I kept thinking about during his performance were the countless times we were taught in Acting class about the dangers of indicating. One of my professors once told the class that if you’re going to point at yourself every time you say “I” or “me” in a script, then go ahead and point or gesture in some way with every single pronoun. Sure enough the absurdity of such superfluous movement was made clear. That was exactly what Andrew was doing. Gesturing without reason because he had no idea what else to do with his body. He was awkward, spent a good portion of the song looking at the floor, and the song itself wasn’t in anyway challenging. I think Simon said it best when he said maybe they had overestimated the Straight Up performance from the start. I’m sorry but even if it was as fantastic as they all remember it to be, one good performance does not an artist make. It’s time to move on.

Katie Stevens, Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie. Now to prove to you that I’m not a 23 year old kermudgen, set in my ways with the inability to change my opinion about anything. I thought Katie Stevens was great last night. She finally found a song that made her seem youthful, she sang it well, and she didn’t look like a something out of a spring JC Penny catalog. Although I loved her new look, someone needs to tell girlfriend she still can’t pull of neon suspenders. Don’t think I didn’t see them. I was happy to see Katie’s many attempts to apply the judges’ critiques correctly finally pay off. All that being said, despite my willingness to applaud her success, I’m still not a fan. When she sings it sounds like her tongue is lodged in the back of her throat. I also don’t think she has enough personality to be a successful artist. Also, Kara must have done something annoying during this moment because in my notes I have “Kara needs to take a sedative.” Shock.

Casey James, Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News. I didn’t get to mention this last week because I don’t comment on the results shows, but Casey wore his hair in a ponytail during that episode and boy is that a look he pulls off. Unfortunately, his song choice last night wasn’t well known or catchy enough for anyone to get excited over it. I actually can’t believe that song was #1 at one point. Sorry if you’re a big Huey Lewis and the News fan Tina. He still sang it really well, and as Randy pointed out, he’s easily one of the best musicians they’ve ever had on the show, referring to his guitar skills. Kara felt he was ready to make an album after last night and Simon thought it wasn’t contemporary. So I figure as long as Casey picks a more current song, or at least arranges a more current interpretation, Simon might climb aboard the Casey James love train. And we need that because right now, he is one of about five contestants I don’t want to fast forward through.

Didi Benami, You’re No Good by Linda Ronstadt. I’ve always liked Didi but it’s probably not a good sign when, after remembering Siobhan, I couldn’t figure who was left to perform. Didi’s performance felt like an audition for a college student production of Chicago. After going through a rough round of judging, Didi defended her song choice and performance style by saying she wanted to show her versatility and “just wanted to have fun.” Everyone this season seems to be really concerned with having a lot of fun. I mean, please do, but also sing well while you’re doing that. This isn’t spring break and you’re not performing in a karaoke contest at Senor Frogs. Didi’s not going anywhere this week but for the future I would recommend she get a thicker skin. She looks like she’s going to break down and cry or scratch the judges’ eyes out every time they tell her they didn’t like her performance.

Siobhan Magnus, Superstition by Stevie Wonder. I didn’t really allow myself to like Siobhan until last week. Now, all of my leftover support for Andrew Garcia is going to her. This doesn’t make her my top choice (ahem, Crystal) but I do look forward to seeing what she has come up with, the way I used to eagerly anticipate Andrew’s performances. I will say she definitely needs to put the kibosh on that screeching high note at the end of all her performances for at least one week. Simon warned her that she was going to start annoying people if she makes that choice every single week. Siobhan confided that the last note is her favorite part of the song because it’s “so fun” and if she could sing the whole song like that, she would. My suggestion? Don’t.

By the end of the episode Simon looked exhausted from all of the mediocrity he just sat through. He warned the contestants, with the exception of Crystal, that they need to start pushing themselves. My official prediction is that Paige Miles will be going home tonight but really there are a handful to choose from. “Tonight was not a good night.” No it wasn’t Simon, no it wasn’t.

Finally, if you watched Gossip Girl on Monday night like you should have then you may have heard a song that caused your ears to perk up and ignore Blake Lively’s obscene cleavage for the first time all episode. If you didn’t watch, I suggest you give it a listen. It may not be Huey Lewis and the News but that’s good because it’s better.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: While you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle into my DVD player?
Jack: You did.  You watched it for about an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, and then turned it off.

The best way for a woman to get heat in this industry is to either record a country album or have a lesbian relationship.

Dear Tina,

Last night American Idol premiered the big stage with the top 12, the only contestants America will have a shot at remembering five years from now, and a Rolling Stones themed evening. Now I’m no classic rock connoisseur but I was always under the impression that the Rolling Stones were a rock band. You would never have known that last night when quite a few of the performances sounded country inspired. Maybe I’m still holding on to resentment over the elimination of Alex Lambert last week, but this group as a whole is a yawn fest. The only person who has the potential to show up wearing caged shoulder pads a la Adam Lambert is Siobhan Magnus. And I really hope she does.
The judges entered the big stage in a dramatic fashion, %75 of them looking as eager as a high school senior on her first day ready to rule the school, Simon looking like he was walking to his car after leaving the mall. Simon was also wearing a deep v-neck sweater with a white tank top underneath. I do the same thing when trying to be more reserved in terms of cleavage. I imagine Simon had similar intentions.

I’ve struggled with how to best and most fairly review a performance episode of this show. I feel now that we are in the top 12 and all of these contestants have a legitimate shot at becoming the next American Idol (except Tim Urban), it is my responsibility to acknowledge everyone. So without further ado…

Michael Lynch, Miss You. Coming off of a very strong week, Michael approached his performance with a cockiness I both resented and admired. It was well sung and his ability to make a Rolling Stones song sound like it had always been an R&B track was impressive. One mistake Michael made was forgetting to return the chain hanging from his pants to the seventh grader he borrowed it from. Simon remarked that his dancing was corny, which of course, it was. I felt similarly last week but the vocal made up for it. From now in, Michael may need to realize his strong suit is not dance. Or movement of any kind.

Didi Benami, Play With Fire. Didi was refreshing in that she finally chose to stray from the folksy, acoustic sound that has been her main stay since the beginning. Poor girl missed a cue, then missed a lyric, and it looked like it was going to be the first true disaster in American Idol history. It’s amazing to me that in nine seasons, no one has ever broken down and started sobbing during a live performance. Didi collected herself and turned out a great performance. I love her voice so even though I sense she’s not America’s favorite, I hope she sticks around for a while.

Casey James, It’s All Over Now. I tend to not like men that are prettier than me, but Casey won me over last night. He’s not the best but at least last night he reminded us that he is really talented in a very specific genre of music: country blues. And that I admire. Year after year we see contestants slip through the cracks for having a nice face to look at but hardly any musicality (ie Ace Young) but Casey is a legitimate musician with a great voice when he sings in his style. Also, it was during this time that Ellen made a sly reference to being a lesbian; Kara LOL’d big time and then referred to Ellen and Randy as “the guys” the rest of the night.

Lacey Brown, Ruby Tuesday. Lacey your time has come. The time is now.  You can go by foot. You can go by cow. Marvin K. Mooney Lacey Brown will you please go now. I just can’t stand the smiling/sitting at the edge of the stage combo. It is so excessively sweet it gives me cavities just watching. Ellen gave her first piece of useable criticism when she said Lacey was walking around during the slow parts and then sat down when the song finally started to pick up. It was true. I think Lacey’s biggest fan is Lacey; she is the archetype for what Simon means when he calls a performance “indulgent.” Also, Lacey’s parents remind of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.

Andrew Garcia, Gimme Shelter. I say this with a lot of regret, but Andrew Garcia aka Compton Harry Caray has one more week before I officially jump of the Garcia love train. He put down his acoustic guitar this week for fear his “Straight Up” performance would be referenced again (it of course still was) and then we saw what many have feared the past few weeks–he’s just not as good as we thought. I still love his voice but the thing about this show is that every season there are favorites and there are dark horses. If you’re lucky enough to be a favorite from the beginning but then your performances become inconsistent, the dark horse takes over. I’m still holding out hope Andrew, but it’s dwindling.

Katie Stevens, Wild Horses. Well Katie, the spunky 16 year old who keeps being told to keep it youthful decided to go for the same Rolling Stones song Susan Boyle covered on her debut album. The judges loved the choice. Fine. This is one instance I can’t get behind what Simon says. This girl is so irritating to me. She’s like Rachel from Glee except not funny and not as talented. So, the worst. And she had the audacity to come out wearing the same dress I wore to Easter dinner when I was seven. For the record, I prefer the Susan Boyle version.

Tim Urban, Under My Thumb. His haircut was modeled after Zack and Cody from Disney’s The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, yet he decided to sing his Rolling Stones song in the style of Reggae. Save it for Bob Marley week. I can’t believe we lost Alex Lambert for this.

Siobhan Magnus, Paint it Black. Siobhan received the unofficial award from Simon for performance of the night; this was even confirmed after the final performance by Crystal. I’ve given Siobhan a hard time in the past. Mainly because every time I read/type her name, in my head I think See-o-bahn so I resent her for confusing me. But See-o-bahn is definitely a performer to look forward to. Her rendition of “Paint it Black,” the first song I was really familiar with the Rolling Stones version, was dramatic and insanely difficult in terms of the vocal. My favorite part about Siobhan is that when she’s done singing, she just stands there and looks like one of the characters from Recess. She’s great. I can’t wait to see more.

Lee Dewyze, Beast of Burden. For me, Lee has the most commercial voice. I don’t mean that as a bad thing; his style is one that has had major success on the radio because it is masculine, effortlessly good, and sexy. He’s the type of guy a girl hopes to meet, start dating, and then be surprised when he sings her a Goo Goo Dolls song on his acoustic guitar shirtless. The judges felt it was safe and Simon told him the only thing holding him back is his personality. Ouch. But true. He needs to come out of his shell and challenge himself to do something no one would see coming. That could catapult him to the top. Also, maybe just sing a Goo Goo Dolls song shirtless?

Paige Miles, Honky Tonk Women. Why has no one addressed the fact that Paige is stunning? Someone needs to do that. I hope it’s Randy and I hope it’s awkward. Paige apparently had laryngitis, which I didn’t really need to hear about nor did America. Stuff like that tends not to affect us. I thought she was great but, to take a word from Simon, it was forgettable. At this stage in the game Paige hasn’t done enough to stand out and this is going to send her packing sooner than she may deserve to go home if this competition was based on talent alone.

Aaron Kelly, Angie. I’ve already spent enough time discussing how much I dislike 16 year olds in this competition. They should be in their junior year English class trying to figure out what all the colors mean in The Great Gatsby. In his video package, Aaron remarks about what a small town he grew up in is still growing up in, noting the single stoplight. Really Aaron? You seemed like such a city slicker to me. The judges liked his performance and though it was the perfect song choice for him. I guess because he made it sound like a Rascal Flatts single. I couldn’t careless. I think he is boring and self-conscious. In the teenager way, not in the hunky-Lee Dewyze-I used to work at a paint store-way.

Crystal Bowersox, You Can’t Always Get What You Want. Crystal was introduced and came out on that stage like she had already won. Like she was last season’s winner returning to grace her alma mater with a performance. It wasn’t her best performance but she’s working with a different set of standards than the majority of the group. It was still great but like Lee, Crystal needs to do something next week to remind America that she is a cut above the rest. If she leaves too soon I would consider turning off the rest of the season. I usually judge my favorites based on who’s singles I am most excited to purchase on iTunes and right now that’s Crystal. Girl, you go.

So that wraps it up. I know it was long but remember it will only get shorter as the weeks go by. Also, if you do start watching American Idol and would like to accompany your viewing with a drinking game, may I suggest taking a shot everytime Kara says “You know the kind of artist you are.” Ugh. Kara needs to come up with some fresh criticisms. She recycles the same five notes every week.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Frank: Nobody believes that a killer robot can get his ass kicked by one bear. It doesn’t make any sense.
Liz: You’re trying to bring logic to the robot bear sketch?!

Yes. This is the sweet spot. Oh, and no chit chat between songs this year. People don’t watch Letterman for Paul Schaffer.

Dear Tina,

I am all out of sorts. I’ve been postponing writing a post on American Idol until the 17 episodes they schedule in one week were through. Well, now we have the results, our top 12, the moment we’ve been waiting for, and we are up two 16 year olds, down two talented contestants: Alex Lambert and Lily Scott. I was all ready to crow about my new favorite Alex Lambert and off he goes tonight, never to be heard from again. Meanwhile I have to sit and listen to Aaron Kelly sing another country song he is completely out of touch with next week. Can you tell I’m bitter? I’m even typing bitterly. Like Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air. I hate that 16 year olds are even eligible for this competition. I want the age bumped up to 18. A tolerable 16 year old singer is as rare as a pregnant panda bear. This year we had Justin Bieber so we won’t be needing another one for another 10 years, when Justin Bieber’s voice will change. It was truly a heartbreaking scene tonight. But let’s rewind and take a look at some of this week’s most memorable performances.

First the ladies.

Worst Song Choice: That would have to go to Paige Miles who sang “Smile” by Nat King Cole Tony Bennett Michael Jackson Jermaine Jackson Charlie Chaplin. As the judges told her, this was her last chance at winning over the hearts of America in order to amass enough votes to put her in the top 12. And as we who have watched this show since season one know, if you don’t make it to the top 12, well it’s kind of like you were never on the show to begin with. Paige was good and boring. Like my recitals with the Musettes sophomore year of high school.

Best Song Choice: Crystal Bowersox sang “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman. I don’t know how this girl does it but she manages to find the perfect song for her voice and style yet popular enough to please the audience. I think it is coming as a surprise to most that someone who looks nothing like our idea of a pop idol, is participating in this mainstream, commercial contest. Not to mention the success she is having. Crystal is a clear favorite and has been for awhile. What’s nice about this favorite is that she has the goods to back it up. If she keeps making smart choices like the Tracy Chapman number, Crystal could potentially win the whole thing. And wouldn’t that be refreshing?

Worst Performance Overall: Can I get an oy? Katelyn Epperly. She sang “I Feel the Earth Move” by Carole King and accompanied herself with an electric piano that she may have found in the basement of a children’s museum. She looked like Ross on Friends when he brings his electric piano to the coffee shop to play his “music.” Or like Kelly Packard’s character on TNBC’s hit California Dreams. It couldn’t have been more awkward. I felt like I was at an audition for a high school talent show.

Best Performance Overall: Didi Benami. There you go. Recovering from last week when she was ripped to shreds and then was so upset she couldn’t even respond to Ryan who kept badgering her with inane questions like “It’s hard to talk right now…isn’t it?” Didi performed “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac, a song I had never heard before Tuesday night and I’m glad I hadn’t because it made me appreciate the quality of Didi’s voice even more. Her decision to stay on the acoustic track for her final performance before the top 12 was announced, despite last week’s criticisms, shows a great sense of awareness of what her strengths are. Didi isn’t someone that is going to shine with a showstopper. Her appeal comes from the sweetness of her voice and the way she travels through her range with such ease. We don’t need to see her take a swing at “And I Am Telling You” because that kind of music is irrelevant to the type of musician this woman is going to be. “Rhiannon” was a brilliant selection and she executed it with confidence and a sense of ownership of the lyrics. A video of the performance has been included below.

And now the men…

Worst Song Choice: It hurts me a little to say this but I have to say Andrew Garcia. Yes I know. Compton Danny Gokey. While we’re on the subject, in response to his glasses, I’m considering changing his nickname to Compton Harry Caray. Andrew Garcia selected “Genie in a Bottle” by Christina Aguilera. This poor guy is reminded every week that his acoustic rendition of “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul during Hollywood week was the best thing he could have ever done. So apparently he now has nowhere to go but down. Simon called last night’s performance “desperate” or a synonym that sounds equally acidic coming from a British accent. Andrew is clearly trying to chase the surprise delight of a pop song revamped acoustically but this is now the third week in a row he’s been told it’s not working. He did make it through to the top 12 so maybe it will help him to have fewer options than any single that has ever been on the Billboard charts when we move into theme weeks. My advice would be to try something completely different than he’s done since he entered the competition. Like, maybe lose the acoustic guitar (God forbid). My guess is that next week during the Rolling Stones themed episode, we’re going to hear an acoustic version of “Paint it Black.”

Best Song Choice: Alex Lambert. I still can’t believe he’s gone. Alex sang “Trouble” by Ray LaMontagne. Ok, sure, he could use more confidence especially if he has the intention of pursuing a popular music career. But this guy had–easily–the most unique sounding voice left in the competition. With that, he knew exactly what songs would showcase it in the most successful and pleasing way. A skill that many of his counterparts have yet to achieve. There is a sentiment to his tone, something very emotional, and all of his song choices, particularly “Trouble,” enhanced that.  When I watched his performance from Wednesday, I was already anticipating buying all of his Idol performances on iTunes for as long as he lasted; that’s how much I enjoyed his voice. It’s such a shame. I was even starting to like his mullet.

Worst Performance Overall: “Somebody to Love” by Queen performed by Todrick Hall. I agree with the judges that it was his best performance of the last three weeks. Not hard to do when your performance the first week was basically a scat rendition of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone.” I know this is a terribly biased opinion, but you’re dealing with a passionate Glee fan. If “Somebody to Love” isn’t going to be performed by Finn and Rachel with a killer high note at the end from Amber,  I don’t want to hear you even try. That goes for Queen as well.

Best Performance Overall: The best performance came from Michael Lynch who sang “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell. I refuse to call him Big Mike the way Ryan does because ever since seeing The Blind Side I imagine that no one really likes that kind of nickname. He challenged himself, he moved around the stage with confidence, and he pulled off a song that I’m sure no one would ever expect him to sing. He even made Kara cry (oh brother). People are still really drawn to the fact that he and his wife had a baby a few weeks or months ago so that added to the emotion of a performance dedicated to how hard…women…work. That may always help him, but the fact of the matter is Michael has been consistently good and last night he elevated himself onto a whole new level of competition. Suddenly the guy who my sister asked last week “is that the bodyguard?” has been singled out as the contestant to beat.

To close, I just want to say that Randy Jackson must have a lady friend or something around this season because I have never seen him so animated and enthusiastic. Maybe it’s just the robin’s egg blue watch that keeps his spirits up. Either way I welcome the adjustment, I just wish he would put the kibosh on booing every time Ryan introduces Simon during a live episode. Every. Single. Time.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Oh! No! Thanks. I don’t want anything to do with MILFIsland. That show is kind of the lowest common denominator.
Jack: The critics said the same thing about Shakespeare.
Liz: Yeah buy Shakespeare never had a Confessional Shower sponsored by Dove Pro-age.