This is unbelievable. Last week I was just a street performer making 50 bucks a day and getting memory loss from all the silver paint fumes.

Dear Tina,

If you were underwhelmed by the ladies’ performances on Tuesday night, then I hope you knew to crack open a Red Bull or take a hit of ecstasy because it only got worse. We’re going to get right to it for those that are still feeling fatigued from spending two hours trying to decipher if you were watching the top 24 or a rerun from auditions week. I know I am.

Todrick Hall kicked off the night with his own rendition of “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson. Whoever arranged this piece forgot the value in maintaining what made the original song a hit. Fine if you want to slow it down, change an instrument, have a man sing it, but make it entirely unrecognizable and you’re only going to hurt yourself (and my opinion of you). I like him because he has a background in theatre but if he experiences amnesia and next week does a rap version of a Kenny Chesney song, he may need to find the exit.

Aaron Kelly sang “Here Comes Goodbye” by Rascal Flatts. I just don’t have any patience for someone who comes into a competition of this magnitude looking like he gelled his hair and borrowed his older brother’s shirt for the junior high school dance. Also, the singing was bad. So lose-lose.

Jermaine Sellers was up next and sang “Get Here” by Oleta Adams. What? Why? I know that the theme of the week was Billboard hits so that leaves you with decades of options–what was your second choice? “Papa Loves Mambo” by Perry Como? Why would you pick a song 12 year olds have never heard of or would ever like to hear? You should know if you’re going to go on American Idol that they’re the ones voting for you. Also, the singing was bad. Third contestant to go and already a pattern is developing…

Then we had Tim Urban with “Apologize” by OneRepublic. This is where I would stare at you with wide eyes and slow blink for a minute to convey my feelings. But this is a blog and I only have my words. Just like Leo Tolstoy. He was called in after another guy had to leave the competition. Clearly the judges saw something in him that originally made them say “he’s not good enough for the next level.” And last night America got to see that something as well. I think he may have hit every note that he was incapable of hitting. I would also like to say that this is now the third season in a row someone has performed that song. Moratorium.

Joe Munoz came out and did Ryan the favor of making him look tall for the first time ever. He sang “You  and I Both” by Jason Mraz. I can see why Mr. Mraz’s music would be appealing to a lot of contestants because he has such a pleasant tone that he makes his songs sound easy to sing. I myself once had a dream that I sang “I’m Yours” in an arena sized venue and received a standing ovation. However, in this case Joe bopping and snapping along to it was not the right choice. Also, I don’t think Joe got a second of air time prior to this so he virtually has no fan base other than his mom.

Tyler Grady remembered to show up, much to my dismay, and sang “American Woman” by Lenny Kravitz. He’s still riding on the fact that Victoria Beckham told him he had a cool look when in fact he looks like an extra from the Forrest Gump Washington Monument scene. I think I went to the bathroom during his performance.

Lee Dewyze sang “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol and officially secured himself the role of the “alternative rocker.” When in fact he has about as much rock in him as David Cook did, which was minimal. I like him though. I can look beyond the phoniness of someone thinking they are maintaining or building a”rocker” image through American Idol. What I couldn’t look beyond was his infuriating message tee that I, nor any of the people I was with when I watched it, could not figure out what it said or meant. If anyone knows please tell me. Truly though, he is one of two men in the competition I like. Maybe one of three.

John Park got the audience grooving to “God Bless the Child” by Billie Holiday. And then I performed “Muskrat Ramble” by The McGuire Sisters. Seriously guys this isn’t just bad song choice anymore this is like I felt like sleeping in so I just let me mom pick for me. John Park was another one who was barely featured on the show before the top 24 and he thinks he will garner our attention with that? Maybe if you sang it brilliantly. Good thing you didn’t sing it brilliantly so we don’t have to consider these hypotheticals. It’s time to go home. See you back in Northbrook, hope I run into you at the mall.

Michael Lynche or “Big Mike,” as America collectively feels the need to call him, sang “This Love” by Maroon 5. And smiled from ear to ear the entire time. I’m glad you were having so much fun but this isn’t really about fun. It’s about me judging you and my verdict is–bring that grin in, and put the guitar down because you don’t appear to be using it. His version of “This Love” also felt really fast to me and I think the syncopated rhythm of that song is what makes it work. He’ll stick around for awhile because his wife gave birth while he was in Hollywood so people find that charming. People meaning not his wife who might appreciate a husband at home as she raises a newborn.

Alex Lambert (not Adam, wah!) went with “Wonderful World” by James Morrison. His voice sounded nice but he looked a like a dog who just got out of the bath: shivering and wanting despearately to be back in a warm cage. I think I am going to boycott Alex Lambert until he trims the mullet. It’s the loudest thing about him and even that is shades of beige.

Casey James brought the most annoying segment of the episode and it wasn’t even his fault! He sang “Heaven” by Bryan Adams (more enjoyably performed by DJ Sammy) and did a lot of schmoozing with the camera. Casey, you may remember, attracted the attention of sweet Kara during the auditions so that received a lot of play from the judges. Not only did they carry on about how Kara felt about Casey in Casey’s video intro but then every single judge had to make a comment about it when he was done. Even Simon. I was disappointed. I’m sure he’s going to make it to the top 12 but there’s something about him that is not working for me. It’s something about thinking his ticket to the top is his charisma but he doesn’t actually have any.  Shrug. We’ll see.

Finally after two long hours, we finally saw a glimmer of hope in the form of Andrew Garcia (Compton Danny Gokey). Andrew sang an acoustic version of “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boy. I was anticipating his performance all night long and so it was soul crushing to discover that none of the judges really liked it. Normally Simon can say anything and I’ll agree with it but that was not the case with Andrew. Simon threw out one of his favorite words “indulgent” which I thought was unfair because I didn’t see any difference between the way he sang that song and the way he sang “Straight Up,” the piece they all can’t stop crowing about. Despite the fact that Andrew looks like Harry Caray in those glasses, he is virtually our only hope when it comes to the men. So, please, be good to him judges. You’re going to give America the wrong idea and then we’ll be stuck with a couple of 16 year olds in the finale.

Whew. I just wrote that whole thing in one breath. A note about this post and the one from last night. As I have said before, I am trying to be conscious of length. I didn’t intend to write about all 12 girls last night, it just kind of developed that way. Having done that, I felt obligated to do the same for the men. Future formats will only revolve around stand out (good and bad) performances. For my sake and more importantly, yours.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: As a frequent leaver of drunken messages, I can tell you no good can come from this.
Cerie: As a frequent receiver of drunk messages, they are not cute, even when they’re from Liz.

I’m already not liking some of these people. It reminds me of being on the bus.

Dear Tina,

Last night American Idol kicked off what I thought was going to be a brief venture narrowing the top 24 contestants down to 12. Turns out, this process is going to take three weeks. Isn’t the more efficient option to have them perform once and Simon just pick the six men and six women who did the best job to compete in the top 12? Although I guess when you are raking in millions of dollars each week from advertisers, efficiency isn’t really your bag. This season in particular it might be good to have that time before we head into the big leagues. That way it will give Ellen more time to get comfortable with live TV and Kara more time to get that kink out of her neck. Or does she keep moving her neck back and forth like that to inject a little New Jersey attitude into everything she says? Hard to tell.

The first live episode is always crucial (if you take this show seriously like I do) as it allows you to judge for yourself if those selected by the judges deserve to be there. Or if, maybe, they should have instead selected the 28 year old with the voice of an angel who has a child with a disability and who was eliminated during Hollywood week in the season before last a week after her father was murdered you heartless heathens. So it’s fun. I have to say that first moment before the show starts when Ryan is walking down the human hallway with six contestants on either side of him and then says “THIS is AMERICAN IDOL,” if I were one of those girls I would get so overwhelmed with excitement I’d probably go cross eyed. I mean, really, could they have created a better “I’ve made it!” moment for you? After the opening credits the contestants were blessed with some solid advice from Randy: “You gotta be great or you gotta be mad at yourself. It’s up to you to wreck the stage with your vocals.” Oh Randy, sometimes I just want to pat your belly and ask you where you got your robin’s egg blue watch. Let’s take a look at our top 12 girls.

First up was Paige Miles. In the notes I took last night I have written “psigr miles” but that can’t be right. She sang “All Right Now” by Free and got some pretty great feedback including a “best female singer in the group” from Simon. All positive notes were followed by a lot of “wrong song” notes. My advice to all American Idol contestants, current and future, steer clear of any song featured on the Now and Then soundtrack.

Next was Ashley Rodriguez singing “Happy” by Leona Lewis. I liked her since her audition in Boston but boy did she take a wrong turn last night. She looked and sounded how I would sing that song if I was listening to it in the car at 4 in the morning while trying not to fall asleep at the wheel: screechy and absurdly animated. Judges concurred. Simon then dropped the “I think you’re going to be in trouble” bomb on her. I actually think he says this to contestants he wants to see go home because he is keenly aware of his ability to sway voters.

Janell Wheeler was third in line and sang “What About Love” by Heart. I didn’t write anything about her last night and then this morning when I wrote this I had to go on americanidol.com to figure out who the only contestant I left out was. So…I think that sums up my thoughts on Janell.

Lilly Scott came on after and sang “Fixing a Hole” by The Beatles. Her performance was great, original, she received more than one “that’s what I’m talking abouts” from Kara alone, and is sure to be safe in this first round of cuts. What I’m concerned about is what we learned in the short video we saw before she started singing, that last year when she was nineteen, Lily was living out of her car like a homeless person or Jewel. Then we see her parents sitting in the audience. Um, Mr. and Mrs. Scott, why was your daughter living in a van as a teenager? Clearly you don’t have some kind of tumultuous relationship. Can I hear your thoughts on this? Because I think if I was living in a van at 19…or 35…my parents might knock on my van door and ask if they might be of assistance. Just curious.

Katelyn Epperly. Oh man. That was a lotta look. Tim Gunn, can I get an Amen? If you were a costume designer for a Lifetime made for TV movie and you had to convey a nice, quiet girl succumbing to temptation and rebeling against her parents and drinking wine spritzers on a thursday night when she should be at volleyball practice this would be your checklist: high volume and kinked hair accessorized with a feathered barrette, magenta lipstick, enormous gold earrings, leather tube dress, lace tights, and black leather stiletto platforms. Welcome to Katelyn’s first impression on America. The judges seemed to like her singing fine; I on the other hand was too distracted by that lipstick that I was secretly hoping would somehow get smeared on Ryan’s forehead.

Haeley Vaughn sang “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles. Haeley is one of those girls who is so nice you don’t want anyone to say mean things to her because she’ll just smile politely while they do. But unfortunately in this case she really needed to hear what Simon had to say which was, “it was just for me a complete and utter mess.” I love the British. Hopefully next time her vocal coach will keep her performance in a more manageable range because if we have to have a 16 year old in the top 12, I would pick her. We don’t have to have a 16 year old in the top 12 by the way. Also, she looked like a 1950s nurse in her outfit.

Lacey Brown was a nonentity singing “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. She’ll probably go home tonight. She got a “beautiful eyes” comment from Simon and, really isn’t that all you need? She reminds me of Christina Hendricks from Mad Men so maybe if American Idol doesn’t pan out for her she could find someone with gray hair to be her musical John Slattery and they could become a singing duo? Maybe Lilly Scott?

Michelle Delamor sang “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys. Yes, and so did that girl in season 2 for her audition. Moratorium on all Alicia Keys songs on Idol please. Also, girl is a diva by her own accord so my interest in her went out the door the first time she made enormous hand motions to cue the band when to rest as you might expect from Whitney or Aretha. Or a Maestro.

Didi Benami sang “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson which was perfectly suited for her voice but then of course the judges came at her with how boring they thought it was. Sometimes this show is a lose-lose situation. You pick the wrong song or the wrong artist and you get ripped to shreds; then you pick a song in your range and style and you’re told to take more risks. It was a little boring and picking a song that was only on the Billboard charts because it was a big hit on Adult Contemporary radio stations is not the best move but we can’t all sing “Mad World” and get standing ovations. I miss Adam Lambert already.

Siobhan Magnus sang “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak and for me it was ok except for the beginning when she sounded like Amanda Bynes pretending to be a man in She’s The Man–that was not ok. I guess it got better, the judges seemed to not hate it, but where she really lost us was when she started talking after the performance. Simon asked her why she chose that song and she went into a explanation with less pizazz than a video tutorial on how to install dry wall. Simon made a sassy comment about her personality and I shed a tear at the thought of him leaving us.

Crystal Bowersox and her one man band sang “Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Morrisette. She may be my favorite but I have to agree with the judges when they said it was good but she could do better, something more interesting and less predictable. She made a quick rebuttal about not being allowed to sing original music and I’m glad that didn’t get too much play because there is nothing more annoying than listening to original music on this show. Original idea, sure, you testing your songwriting abilities on America, save it for youtube. Crystal seemed to like Simon’s idea of doing something by David Bowie. I hope she picks “Magic Dance” from Labyrinth.

Katie Stevens closed the night with “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse. Why does Michael Buble continue to get credit for that song? David Foster must be giving someone money under the table. I hate to bring him up again but I will for the sake of sweet Katie. Remember last season when Adam Lambert sang that song? And they provided him with a set that rivals the Academy Awards? And he wore a white suit? And he sang the business out of it? Yeah, the song kind of needs that. You on the other hand were dressed for an eighth grade Valentine’s Day dance. You sang with the dimpled sweetness I would expect from most 16 year olds which is only appropriate when singing songs like “Knock Three TImes” by Tony and the Dawns, and again we’re saying no to the Now and Then soundtrack.

So there you have it. Just for putting up with all that, I offer the best exchange of the entire night. I laughed so hard I went back and watched it again. Simon is explaining to Ryan that in picking the right song you should want it to be as memorable as your first kiss.

Simon: Come out here, do something and prove to everyone watching this show I am different, unique, and I’m a star. Rather than indulging yourself and that’s the problem.
Ryan: I didn’t think of any of that during my first kiss.
Simon: That probably went both ways.

That. Man.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Devon Banks: You know what they say about rumors Jack? They make a “ru” out of “mor” and “s. ”