The Bachelor: And the Women Who Think They Love Him Because He Bought Them a Fendi Purse

Dear Tina,

Although it might not be clear based on my writing as of late, I do want to make note that I have not lost my zest for television viewing. Despite the fact that in recent months when I do manage to blow the symbolic dust of the old blog and write a post, I tend to focus more on the personal goings-on in my life, I still devote a good portion of my evening to my most reliable friend, televison. Honestly, I think my palate has only expanded with all this free time on my hands, introducing myself to such gems as Bang For Your Buck on HGTV and I Used to Be Fat on MTV. With regards to the latter, I find I can only really enjoy the episodes chronicling young women as it has come to my attention that while women may stress too much about the fat pouring out of their heads, shoulders, knees, and toes, men like to describe their overweight physique as “out of shape.” Hmmm, yes, out of shape. I always sensed it was your inability to do five push-ups in a row, and not the ten beers you’re currently drinking, that was tipping your BMI into the danger zone. Sorry boys, can’t relate on that one.

Anyway, I love TV. Now and forever. I have even been a consistent, and might I say very patient, viewer of The Bachelor this season. Unless you have been living UNDER A ROCK (!), you know that this season we are getting reacquainted with Texan charmer, Brad Womack. Brad is most famous for already being on this show. Booph. Yes, back in 2007 when Brad was given his first opportunity to date 25 women, he couldn’t manage to pick one and ended up turning down both finalists. Brad quickly became, as Bachelor producers have reminded us more than a dozen times during the current season, the most hated man in America. At least by the women who had enough time and emotional instability to generate hate and anger towards a man they had never met.

I never understood what the big deal was. So he didn’t choose anyone? You know who gets dumped all the time? Women. And men. Yet, when it happens on a reality show that promises happily ever after we feel personally cheated. Lest you forget that in 14 seasons of The Bachelor, not one relationship has lasted. So cheers Brad, for making the most level-headed decision of any of your predecessors.

But now you’re back on the show with the same intentions so…you’re an idiot.

At the start of the season we had Brad reminiscing about his troubled past. Reminiscing while not wearing a shirt and tossing around a football with…himself. What details were hiding in the emotional trenches of his brain causing him to reject all the women handed to him on a platter? After three years of intense therapy, I sense Brad still might not know. But with a hefty paycheck in his hands from ABC, Brad feels ready to date again, ready to get back on the horse and go through the extremely difficult rigmarole of dating two dozen women who were willing to bet when they applied for the show that no matter who the bachelor was, they would be able to fall in love with him. Brad has approached season 15 with a whole new attitude. One that I believe reflects an addendum to his contract stating, whether he likes it or not, he has to pick someone at the finale.

The season has been filled with your typical crazies and duds (I long for Creator Mike Fleiss to produce a season filled with skeptical and sarcastic women who openly mock the bachelor everytime he self-awarely takes his shirt off. A girl can dream.). Michelle was a particular treat and a particular kind of crazy. A hairstylist from Utah with an affinity for earrings larger than her face, she was everything a classic reality star manipulator should be. A woman with the looks to make a man think he wants her, yet whose personality is a teetering balance of sultry pouting and insanity.

My personal favorite contestant still in the running is Emily. A woman who would win this competition any season she chose to participate. Over the years, I haven’t been a consistent Bachelor viewer per se, yet I still feel confident saying that never has a bachelor been so tightly wrapped around a woman’s finger, as Brad is with Emily. While the world around her is chaos created and fed by the jealousies and insecurities of her competition, Emily sits patiently, batting her eyelashes, and treating Brad as if he were simply trying to pick her up at the grocery store. “Sure I’ll go on a date with you,” she thinks, “but I do need to get home and put the milk away first. If you don’t mind.”

How does she do it? Well first of all, she’s stunning. Unlike Michelle, she has the kind of looks that make other women go “Ugh and I bet you’re really nice too.” Second of all, she has the sympathy story to trump all sympathy stories. A single mom of a five year old, who lost her fiancee (and father of the baby) only days before she found out she was pregnant. A story she was reluctant to tell Brad as she didn’t want it to overshadow their courtship. Nor does she want him to use it as an excuse to pay her any special attention. Third of all, she’s an event planner at a children’s hospital. Why don’t you just go knit sweaters for the homeless and coordinate with Mattel on how to improve Barbie’s looks based on your headshot. Oh and I discovered via a blog that most of the clothes she wears on the show are from Target. So she’s thrifty too. Oh Emily, you are a model of flirtatious fun for us all.

Brad is already down to three women. Chantal O., who failed to mention the extreme wealth of her family as well as her extreme tendencies toward crying sponsored by neurotic jealousy. Ashley, the subject of conversation for two women riding the El a couple months ago, stating that Ashley is not a dentist as she is listed, but merely a dental hygenist. You’re not fooling me Ashley. And then Emily, who will only lose if that’s what she so chooses.

Brad has stated several times that he has not made the same mistake twice. That this time, he is without a doubt head over heels in love with his choice. Although, with that being said, maybe he is going with himself again. Ya burnt! I wish him the best, I do. After all, he isn’t the sharpest tool in the box; he needs a woman around to remind him that he has, yet again, left his mouth agape.

Fantasy suites and lots of jungle cats next week. They’re heading to South Africa!

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Carol: I’m in Lambert, St. Louis. I can see the arch from here. No wait that’s a half burned downed McDonalds.

Five Jobs Worse Than A Temp Agency, Featuring Justin Bieber

Dear Tina,

How is your January 10, 2011 Resolution going? So far I’ve managed to eat more fruit and less fruit-flavored candy.  I’ve also been more aggressive with sending my resume out to a variety of potential employers. One company got back to me that same day, which made the beacon of hope that is my future employment shine just a little bit brighter in that moment. Of course, their response was “Thank you, Catherine, but there are no openings on our show at this time.” Um, yes, I noticed that. But don’t you sometimes just…like…give someone a job, because they want one?

The last time I was home, my mom suggested I look into working for a temp agency. It was the most depresssing thing I’d heard since my friend told me she used a temp agency and landed work as the receptionist at a store that sold toilets. After Googling temp agencies in Chicago, I was led to a website where I began searching the “Job Openings” section. Their database seemed thorough as I was able to specify my work preferences, with such desired job categories as “Welders” and “Building and Ground Maintenance”. Here’s a picture of future me, taken from the website.

That’s me on the left. Don’t I look happier? Probably because I’m so relieved that my skull is being protected from all of the falling debris at my new job.

My God, Tina, honestly. Save me from my own demise. Please.

I try not to dwell on the bleakness that is tucking away my career goals that have been pretty well defined since I was in college, for the sake of making ends meet. Or sometimes I try to dwell in it as much as possible because I’m bored and it’s more entertaining than discussing via a cover letter my adeptness for oral and written communication.

In any case, I am painfully aware of how much worse off I could be. And with that token of self-worth, I give you a list of five jobs that would be worse than working as a welder for Elite Staffing (The NEW way to work).

1. Justin Bieber backup dancer

I imagine it’s kind of like being that kid in your neighborhood who annoyed all the kids his own age, so he started hanging out with, like, the seven year olds who were too young to realize how lame he was.

2. A Doodlebop

Now I know many of you don’t know what that is. But as a seasoned babysitter, I do, and I can tell you as someone who used to think she wanted to be an actor, this is one depressing gig. I bet the blue one played Trigorin in his high school’s production of The Seagull. Leapin Lulu!

3. Joe Francis’s assistant

“Joe you have a 10 o’clock meeting with some potential……”

“WHAT?!?! I can’t hear you! These women keeping pressing their BREASTS against my EARS! I’M KING OF THE WORLD!”

4. The Boom Operator on America’s Next Top Model

It must be so very, very shrill.

5. The nurse on Bridalplasty

Bridalplasty (or as my boyfriend calls it, “Cut Me I’m Your Wife”) is a show about brides-to-be competing in challenges to win plastic surgeries in hopes of becoming the perfect bride. The only job worse than wheeling these women in and out of the recovery room so that they may test their skills at bouquet making in front of a very condescending Giuliana Rancic, is the job of actually being married to one of these women. Cheers.

See? Life ain’t that bad. I think I can feel my stress-related stomach pains receding as I type this. Thanks smut!

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: I’ve got the next big reality show. We put a bunch of people in a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals that the pilot is a six year old boy. We call it “Child Hell Flight!”

Now boys, there are only 2 MILFs left. Debra, and Deborah. But one is going home. And we will find out. After 3 more breaks!

Dear Tina,

I successfully prepared dinner for my weekly gathering in the city. I spent a good portion of my afternoon getting the meal in order and after I was done, I took some time to reflect and decided that had the menu been in the hands of one Rachel Ray, she probably could have finished it in 30 minutes. But at least I can say I honed my chopping skills a bit more through the experience.

When it came time to eat, we realized that all of the usual entertainment around which we gather was no longer on the air. Luckily we remembered that tonight was the season premiere of Top Chef. Now I’ve been a big fan of the show since season 2 when they fired the original host who had the on-camera presence of a blank green screen and replaced her with Padma who has the ability to make contestants feel really bad about themselves while smiling. A quality you can’t help but admire.

As someone who considers a well-prepared meal one where I perfectly toast my sandwich bread, I find it fascinating to see the creativity involved with cooking when you know what you’re doing. If, for example, someone told me to create a “yogurt foam,” I would stick a straw into a container of Dannon Light ‘n Fit and blow bubbles. But these people can foam just about anything and when they do it, it looks delicious. Just the sheer speed at which they think and move with so much consideration put into pairing the right flavors and textures, it has given me secondhand appreciation for the culinary arts.

The current season, season seven, takes place in Washington D.C. and if you weren’t already hooked in, I’m sure the promise of a Nancy Pelosi guest appearance during a Quick Fire Challenge will nab you. I was in and out of listening tonight so I missed some of the contestants’ biographies, but I can tell you that this competition has progressed to professional levels unheard of on most reality competition shows. Last season one of the contestants was the Chef de Cuisine at an Eric Ripert restaurant (I wouldn’t have even understood what that sentence meant until this show). This season one of the contestants is an assistant professor at the Culinary Institute of America where many of the chefs trained and only three out of the seventeen contestants are not the actual owners or executive chefs of restaurant where they work. This is no paint store employee with dreams of making it big kind of situation. It appears the more seasons they produce, the smaller the gap between Top Chef and Top Chef Masters is going to get.

On tonight’s episode, contestant John Somerville committed a cardinal sin when he used store bought dough instead of making it himself. Not a good move especially when the challenge is to create a dish that describes you and where you’re from. For this rookie mistake, John was sent home. The first challenge—that has to be brutal. This guy has been nominated for a James Beard award twice and is the chef de cuisine at fancy pants Michigan restaurant The Lark. You would think this means that the show lost a superior talent but again, the standards this season are high and every single contestant has the resume to backup their right to be on the show. Tough break John.

By the time we finished watching the recording of this episode, we were able to tune in for the last ten minutes or so of Bravo’s latest reality adventure, Work of Art. Which Bravo desperately wants you to know is executive produced by Sarah Jessica Parker. I’m sure she lost a bet to Andy Cohen or something. I don’t know how else you explain the association. In any case, my ears perked up when I sensed that we were about to hear the dismissal line for the show. It’s hard to top Heidi Klum’s “Yoh owt. Auf Wiedersehen,” but I love to see these shows try. I’m not sure how many ideas were thrown around at the production meeting but I can tell you that the producers landed on, “Your work of art is not working for us.” … … What is that? That’s what you say to your friend when she’s trying on a romper one size too small, “It’s not working for me.” I imagine there aren’t many puns involving art that could also relate to reality TV, but if that’s the problem than you should have gone the Padma route and given simple instructions. “Please pack your easel and go.” Simple as pie. Take it back SJP. Take it back and fix it.

As of right now I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get into Work of Art which is unusual for me as I can embrace virtually any program that has Andy Cohen’s stamp of approval. The whole artistic vibe just feels a little forced. Like I said, we watched for ten minutes, and even in that short amount of time there was more man-handled hair and form fitting gender neutral jeans than I’ve seen in an hour spent at Espresso Royale in Urbana. For those that don’t know that reference, think Williamsburg hipster meets middle America. It’s all very passive aggressive.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Why are you still here?
Tracy: I love it up here. It’s hot. It’s loud. There’s no pizza. It’s like Miami.

I got this tattoo for the good of the show. It gives us an edge. The reason you brought me on.

Dear Tina,

As promised, I tuned in tonight for The Bachelorette and much to my chagrin, nothing has changed since I last checked in with America’s loneliest souls. If anything, it has gotten worse—except for the location upgrade to New York City. Usually we look at unique life experiences and evaluate the ways in which we can use these opportunities to learn and grow. When I attended an isolated retreat in high school, which is basically what The Bachelorette is, I came home with a better understanding of who I value in my life and why. Jonathan the weatherman returned home from his adventure, berating himself for not singing directly to Ali while auditioning for The Lion King. I guess lesson learned for the next time you’re auditioning for a Broadway show sponsored by ABC. Seriously though, let this one go Jonathan. Even if you had sung and danced the best, they still wouldn’t have chosen you because if you went up on the flys with Ali, it would have looked like she was dancing to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” with her kid brother.

Aside from the general lack of foresight these gentleman seem to have (you all are eventually going to have to go home and face the shame of your friends and family for saying things like “Forecast was for sunny skies and out of the blue the storm just shit on my face.”), Ali moved forward in her quest for love reminding us after every twist and turn how seriously she takes each rose. Yes Ali, we can tell. You made virtually every date as anticlimactic as one of Kasey’s improvised songs with your decision to hold off handing out a rose until the rose ceremony. Great, because that twenty minute event usually has me on the edge of my seat.

Ali went on three dates this episode. The first was with Kasey, who has officially taken over the title of “Lonely Boy” from Dan Humphrey. They frolicked along the halls of Manhattan’s Museum of Natural History, holding up their lanterns to the jaws of dinosaur bones and pretending to be scared. Later, the couple came across a stuffed gorilla behind display glass and wouldn’t you know, Kasey decided to engage the creature in conversation. This isn’t to say that Kasey came up with some clever line about the silliness of looking at a stuffed animal in its faux environment when there’s a zoo around the corner. No, Kasey went the “ooo ooo ahh ahh” route, translating for Ali that the gorilla thinks she’s cute. And I think you’re insane. Also, is there a minimum amount of enthusiastic running that has to be covered on this show? Because I see time and time again, Ali instigating this breaking out into a gleeful jog every time she and a bachelor have to get from point a to b. She must have Mike Fleiss whispering these tragic ideas into her ear via a wire. Eventually Ali and Kasey found that bed of pillows you usually come across in any museum tour. As they sat down we learned that Kasey is indeed as inept at picking up social cues as we feared. For the second time on their date he broke out into song, reflecting on the day, rhyming words like city and pretty. Ali initiated the “how is this different than your previous relationships?” conversation, something I hope most women hold off on until they are no longer dating nine other people. His response? “One reason. Because you’re Ali.” Uh huh, uh huh, would you like to elaborate? Preferably in a non-musical form? Kasey didn’t get a rose and instead got scolded for not being authentic. Fortunately for the Kasey’s tender soul, he still received an invitation back to the Man House. He seems to take all this pretty well. I’m sure he won’t do anything rash.

On her group date, Ali met up with seven of her suitors on the Great White Way. There they auditioned for a one on one date with Ali on the stage of the Minskoff Theatre where The Lion King is continuing its near 13 year run. The most exciting thing I learned during this date is that one of the bachelors has a prominent calf tattoo. I believe it was Jesse. So, points for being a bad ass even though I’m not prone to liking tattoos. None of the men were up to the standards of local community theatre, let alone Broadway, so I was little disappointed with The Lion King’s producer announced that the winner of the challenge would be featured in that evening’s performance. Roberto won because he was “brave enough” to look at Ali while he was singing. But really because he’s the best looking. Turns out the two were on stage for no more than two minutes. I’m really glad with all that effort Ali was still given her own dressing room complete with a gold paper star on the door I imagine the props department snagged from a bat mitzvah where the theme was “reach for the stars.” Though she was by no means the star of the performance, this does not excuse Ali for chewing gum during the curtain call. I mean, goodness, why didn’t you just come out in your street clothes holding a hot dog you got from a street vendor?

Ali was getting progressively sicker throughout the group date so when it came time to give someone a rose, she just couldn’t rally, leaving the rose in that soap dish and allowing Kirk to escort her to her bedroom.

Still under the weather for her final one on one date, she told birthday boy Chris L. to come lounge around her hotel suite instead. After hours of curling up on the couch in pjs brought to you by the costume department, Ali decided she was well enough to take Chris L. out for a birthday dinner. This guy seems pretty legit which means he won’t win because if this series has taught me anything (which it hasn’t really) it’s that the one who appears most levelheaded never stands a chance against the men who proclaim their love after date three. Their evening capped off with a performance from one of my favorite singers of all time, Joshua Radin. Joshua please tell me that if you’re willing to perform on The Bachelorette that you’re willing to perform at my wedding. I promise I won’t dance like a Kidsongs cast member while you’re singing.

In the end, leg tattoo and weatherman were sent home. Points awarded to the editors for attaching that mopey music to every cut of the weatherman. He was having a hard time, and the show was correct in exploiting this.

Now as I said in the beginning, I think we should all try and learn something from our experiences, good or bad. With that in mind, I am creating a list of what I am learning I do not want in man from watching this show. We begin tonight.

1. Someone who compares my previous relationship to being in a cocoon but with him, I can transform into a beautiful butterfly.
2. Someone who tells me early on–or ever–in our relationship, “It’s just my heart. Jump in and stay awhile.
3. Someone who speaks in career-related metaphors, ie “I think the forecast looks good today” referring to our date, not the weather.
4. Someone who, as an adult, can’t really gauge the way he’s experiencing emotion. “I don’t know if I’m more nervous or more excited but pretty much a ton of both.”
5. Someone who self-name-calls with the word “dolt.”
6. Someone who is not Jewish and uses the word “shmuck.” (If you’re Jewish, please, you have free rein.)
7. Someone who defends his argument that he “has some depth” with an acoustic guitar.
8. Someone who is a producer on a reality television show and edits together a preview to make the audience believe that a contestant attempted suicide when really he just got a tattoo.
9. Someone who gets a tattoo to not only honor me, but his time on a reality television show.
10. Someone who believes their most winning quality is the declaration to “guard and protect my heart” as if that is something tangible I can rely on 15 years into our marriage when you won’t help with the dishes.

As you can see almost all of these are my reflections on Jonathan and Kasey’s behavior. With one missing, next week the list may dwindle. But I doubt it.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Dennis: I wish I had burned this place down. There’s no reason to live anymore.
Liz: What happened?
Dennis: The Islanders lost tonight.
Liz: Doesn’t that happen a lot?
Dennis: I knew you wouldn’t understand.

Do you remember the movie Footloose? Where those evil kids won in the end? You’re going to make a mistake tonight.

Dear Tina,

This was a big week for So You Think You Can Dance? The Vegas callbacks ended successfully with a surplus of talented and personable dancers, only 10 of which would make it to the final round. I can appreciate a show revamping their format for the sake of keeping the premise fresh and drawing in new viewers. But this year with ten spots instead of the usual 20, the show is sacrificing extraordinary new talent in order to accommodate 10 “all-star” dancers that veteran audience members like myself have already seen on this stage. It would be like if next season of American Idol, the contestants performed a duet with Clay Aiken or Diana Degarmo each week. I’m wary, Nigel.

By the time they left Vegas, there were between 20 and 30 dancers competing for the ten spots. Instead of finding out their fate by waiting in a room filled with folding chairs until their name was called and they stood before the judges until they heard “yay” or “nay,” this year one judge would be flying into their hometown to deliver the news personally. Which is great if the answer is yes, not so great if you’re getting the boot. Can you imagine if that was the way your SAT scores were delivered in high school? You gathered every member of your family together in your living room and waited for an official to show up with a camera crew and reveal your cumulative score was 950? A little awkward, no?

During this process, which always takes longer than any American has the attention span for, my favorite dancer was given the bad news by Mia Michaels in his apartment. By himself. So depressing. Anthony Borelle, who outshone most of his competition throughout the Vegas callbacks despite a leg injury, was told that he didn’t make the cut because they can’t have a group entirely made up of contemporary dancers. Yes, I hear your point Mia. Except you turned the top 10 into the top 11 for the sake of having 6 boys instead of 5, 5 of which were contemporary dancers. I think it is highly likely that if Anthony auditioned again next season he would make it into the top 10 since Mia’s words of disappointment at their decision felt genuine. But the point is, he would have made it were they not making room for these “all-stars.” I don’t want to see people dance who already got a shot at this. These reality competition shows are meant to open doors for people who would never get to showcase their talent on such a public platform until an opportunity like this came along.

I watched the Thursday night episode that featured the top 11 dancing alongside the all-stars to pieces created by the show’s resident choreographers. It was fine but what I’m really interested in is seeing couples grow through this experience together, not couples that are starting out in two totally different places. One naive, the other seasoned and therefore, inevitably arrogant. Maybe they’re trying a Dancing With The Stars approach, but even that idea is a little misguided as these all-star dancers aren’t nearly the professionals you see on the opposing show. Those dancers have won national and international competitions, been the teachers to dancers that have won national and international competitions, and one has even been a choreographer on So You Think You Can Dance? These all-stars only credentials (with the exception of maybe Pasha and Anya), really, are being audience favorites from the past. Er, sort of…who are you, Allison Holker?

This is not to say I won’t tune in every week and then watch the dances I will inevitably drool over (despite my criticisms here) on repeat. But I just wish they would maintain what this show is supposed to be about and that is new talent competing against equally unaware, nervous, and impressionable dancers. Consider a return to what worked for six seasons in a row next year.

Now that I’m feeling all nostalgic, here is a dance from last year featuring the excruciatingly talented Jakob. What are the chances that the first dance with my husband at our wedding could look something like this? Can I add to my list of requirements for my soulmate that he be able to do what Jakob does in the last moment of this dance (1:18)? I think that’s fair.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: Is it the body paint? Or is Danny just glowing like a beacon of manly commodore? Oh god, I’m extremely drunk.

Jazz! Tap! Jitter Bug! Charleston! Interpretive! Twirl! Twirl again! Keep twirling!

Dear Tina,

With the start of the summer comes the return of one of my favorite reality TV competition shows, So You Think You Can Dance? (dance dance dance). You have to be familiar with the opening credits to get that joke so I apologize. The premise of this show, if you’re unfamiliar, is very similar to American Idol which should come as no surprise since the two shows share the same creator, Simon Fuller, and are produced by the same company, 19 Entertainment. Three seasons ago they even choreographed a dance to a song David Archuleta performed on American Idol. I would be more critical of this decision based on how I feel about David Archuleta but it turned out to be one of the best dances of the series so we give credit where credit is earned.

The new season started just one week ago and already we have moved past the auditions and onto the Las Vegas callbacks. In a spectacular use of their editors’ talents, the So You Think You Can Dance? team managed to turn a 12 day, 6 city audition tour into a mere five hours of exposition before we turned our attention fully to those who actually have enough talent to participate in the competition. This year they traveled to New York City, Miami, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, and Nashville and Adam Shankman managed to wear a fitted vest for only a portion of his appearances. So already I’m seeing some character development this season. What I love about this show is the diversity in what is considered good enough to be invited to the callbacks. Sure with American Idol auditions you’ll hear a variety of tones and song choices, and some contestants are better than others, but when it comes down to it, you either sing well or you don’t. And that’s what puts you through. The standards for dance are not nearly as manicured. Those that stand out are not necessarily the ones that turn the fastest or jump the highest, but rather those who commit their bodies to telling a cohesive story between the music and the movement. With a competition like American Idol, the contestants are inherently removed from their audition piece because they’re singing a song they didn’t write, usually in a way that was predetermined for them based on the notes and lyrics. With dance, the audition is built from the ground up and relies entirely on the creativity and ability of the dancer himself.

The clip below is from this season’s auditions for So You Think You Can Dance? After making it to Las Vegas week last season, Teddy Tedholm was eliminated when he failed to meet the standards of one of the styles of dance they were presented with at callbacks. A memorable contestant despite his early dismissal, Teddy returned with an audition so brilliantly choreographed, I can think of no better example to summarize my point. And no, Adam Shankman’s heavy breathing is not lost on me.

He makes you feel something. Something more than just “I want to listen to you on my iPod!” He disturbs something with his movement that you can’t articulate, you just sense it. It is a beautiful use of talent and I love that this program gives dancers an outlet to express an art form that is so much more difficult than what those clowns are doing behind Justin Bieber.

Spoiler Alert. If you haven’t watched the second hour of the most recent episode, Teddy is eliminated during callbacks for the second year in a row. A shame, yes. But I appreciate the challenge the show presents. Sure you’re great at what you do, but can you salsa? Can you hip-hop? Can you lift a woman above your head? Because what they’re looking for is a dancer so talented and transformative that he/she can perform any style in a way that would have the audience believe they had mastered it years ago. Somedays I like to believe that I could become that dancer but then I remember that I’m nearly 24 and I barely clear a foot off the ground when I leap around my bedroom.

The producers are shaking things up this season. They’re giving the competition a Dancing With The Stars twist when they reach the top 10, introducing 10 all-star dancers from seasons past to accompany the contestants in their dances. So long as Kate Gosselin doesn’t show up in a tango costume, I’m fine with it. Also, Mia Michaels is back. This is the woman I would like to hire as my life coach so pay special attention to everything she says, and even more attention to everything she choreographs. It is outstanding.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Gerhardt: Knowing I have the love of a beautiful woman, has made me free!
Jenna: I think you just lost an eyebrow.

And I can fake enthusiasm when I need to. Hey! That scarf is fun! Thanks! I found it at Dun…wait a minute.

Dear Tina,

In all my time spent dedicated to telling you about my passion for television, I have never shied away from the fact that every now and again I enjoy indulging in what can only be considered less than sophisticated programming. Well, let’s be honest, every now and again usually means 1-3 times a day. As long as you can recognize reality television (or truly bad scripted television, i.e. The Hills) for its flaws and subpar content, then I see nothing wrong with gently embracing it. It just requires the same kind of awareness you need when blaring Justin Bieber in your car at the age of 23 (and three-quarters): enjoy it all you want in your solitude but you have to turn it off when you get to a red light to avoid the whooping laughter and ridicule from the high schoolers in the next car over. So with that little nugget of truth divulged, I have to tell you that I watched the premiere of The Bachelorette last Monday. It was quite possibly the most boring two hours of television I have sat through in a long time. Honestly I found it more difficult to maintain my attention span during those two hours (which I ended up cutting down to an hour fifteen via aggressive fast forwarding) than when I sat through six hours of online traffic school in a single afternoon.

I don’t know if my sexist nature is getting the best of me, but watching men get as flustered as women during the rose ceremony is downright embarrassing. One gentleman reacting to the first impression rose being introduced to the setting: “That’s scary right there…because 10 of us aren’t getting those!” Are you listening to yourself?! Man up. Play it cool. And never, ever break a sweat over a flower. Trust me, three months from now you will all learn that you were all losers. Now I hate to speak in general terms so let’s take a look at some of the evening’s more atrocious moments. Starting and ending with Ali’s laugh.

That. Laugh. After awhile I was starting to get the impression that it was a sound effect borrowed from the Arthur editing studio. Like when Mr. Ratburn makes an elementary pun at the end of an episode and the third grade class collectively laughs at him, that’s what it sounded like. And it was incessant, to say the least. I understand the goal of a meet and greet is to make as kind an impression as possible, but never have I thought that a man’s expectation upon asking my name is for me to respond with elaborate shoulder shrugging, closed mouth smiling, and extensive chuckling.

Which brings me to my next point. In this day of ADD and ADHD and cable news, how can a show get away with dedicating 30 minutes solely to introductions. I know there are 25 men for Ali to meet and it’s really important that every man have a fair shot at impressing her the minute they step out of that limo, but do we need to see every single one? American Idol doesn’t air every single audition of those who receive tickets to Hollywood. Couldn’t the producers and editors speed up that entire process by playing the footage in double time and scoring it with the “Can-can”? Had they made that decision we would have been spared not one, but two men jumping off the roof of the limo when their time came to say hello.

While Ali continued to look for her mark, the men kept coming. One of the Craigs came out and told her “I’m so happy you’re not Vienna.” And I’m so happy you just admitted to watching The Bachelor. This moment has inspired me to ask men from now on, “what is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “Vienna?'” As long as their answer is either “Austria” or “hot dogs” than we are in business. If not, I am going to refer them to the following link: http://thebachelor.warnerbros.com/web/index.jsp.

Jonathan, the Doogie Howser of weathermen, decided it would be best to approach the situation with a gift in hand. And nothing says “I’m interested” more than a magnet with a drawing of the sun on it. Was Wal-Mart all out of sidewalk chalk?

Chicagoan Frank (not the only one on the show to quit his high paying job to pursue his dream of something that typically pays nothing–way to go Bachelorette casting) said to Ali as he approached her “You’re gonna marry one of these dudes!” So, Frank gets points for keeping it real and kind of calling the situation out for its absurdity. Also, points for having a snaggle tooth in the style of Kirsten Dunst. Because we miss her.

Finally, we had Kyle. Occupation: outdoorsman. While most people watched “The Spartan Cheerleaders” on Saturday Night Live with the understanding that the inherent lack of skill in Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri’s dance moves was the basis for the comedy, Kyle apparently saw something else. Rather, a step-by-step guide on how to attract a female. He made the decision, I can only assume way in advance, to pantomime reeling Ali in with a fishing pole…as if she were a fish. This is so far beyond a misinterpretation of basic social cues or cleverness, I’m afraid this man is doomed. Seriously, the fishing pole thing? And poor Ali: “Wait, what am I supposed to do? Oh…ha….uh, um….oh…haha…hahahahaha.” I’m surprised by the time they all got inside Kyle didn’t row a canoe behind one of the couches.

Now, maybe this is why Ali has 25 men who want to marry her and I, in turn, sit at home and fill my hours with making catty comments about others’ quests for love, but seriously how can you go through this experience without being constantly sarcastic? If a man pantomimed anything within the first hour of meeting me, other than motioning toward a waiter the international sign for “can we get the check?”, I would be out the door. Or at least improvising a story about how my “boyfriend” the “cop” is in the “bathroom.”

Once all 26 were gathered inside, the real competition began. Kirk made a scrapbook for Ali which turned out to be cute when we learned it was much less Martha Stewart, much more 3rd grade Mother’s Day art project. Kasey, who wears his heart on his sleeve in the way that assures the audience we can expect a restraining order around episode four, kept telling Ali that he is going to protect her and guard her heart. When Ali asked how he learned to be such a creep gentleman, Kasey explained that his mama taught him well and that he is “such a mama’s boy.” Why do men think being a mama’s boy is attractive? I don’t want a mama’s boy. I want a man who is a decent human being and has a normal relationship with his mother that includes writing “I love you” on her birthday cards and lifting heavy furniture for her when she asks. A mama’s boy, as I understand it, is a man that will need his wife to pick out his clothes to insure they will match. No thank ya.

Hunter decided to impress Ali with a song he wrote and accompanied with a ukulele during the performance. This was a good move as it didn’t indicate he had already picked out their china pattern, yet made him memorable to receive one of Ali’s hotly contended roses. Jason did not care for this at all and kept saying things like “He thinks he’s Shakespeare!” which left me with the impression that Jason does not know who Shakespeare is or what he is famous for. Craig R. borrowed Ali’s attention and warned her that “some people aren’t here for the right reasons.” Really? When and where was your man card revoked because I know 25 other men who are in need of a similar service (the 24 other bachelors + Jake Pavelka).

Then we had Derrick who revealed to Ali that his nickname “Shooter” comes from a time in college when he got…prematurely…excited. You lost Derrick. Not just with Ali, but with America.

In the end 15 men received roses. At the end of the episode, Ali gathered the chosen ones around her and raised a glass, “I hope you guys are ready to have a little fun and hopefully to fall in love [with me]!” Aww, the entertainment wrestler couldn’t look happier. Buckle up guys, you are about to consume more champagne over the next few weeks than a seasoned wedding crasher.

The scenes from the upcoming season include a suicide attempt, an Icelandic volcano, and a tirade that ends with “This is how you’re gonna go out on national television?!” It’s going to get…emotional.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Grandma Baird: It’s too soon, Andrew.
Liz: I know we tried to take it slow…
Grandma Baird: Life! I have more I want to do.
Liz: Oh right, you. Of course.

Well, you know, relationships end. People move on.

Dear Tina,

Alright so here we go. American Idol aired their ninth season finale this week and it was, without a doubt, one of the most withered ends to one of the most mediocre seasons in the show’s history. Take it back you say? I can’t. Let’s get the rehashing of the performances over with first considering they were probably the six least significant moments of the two day, three hour finale.

Following suit with seasons past, each contestant was asked to sing three songs. I was really counting on the producers bringing back the boxing theme from season seven as it was so wonderfully awkward to see David Archuleta giggle his way through pretend jabs at David Cook, but alas this final performance episode had no room for such horseplay.

After a diplomatic coin toss last week (wow, this really is like the Super Bowl for karaoke), Crystal elected to go second. A smart move considering history shows that this decision has no bearing on whether you win or lose. I find that it’s nice to get it over with but I guess for me that applied more to performing ill-prepared monologues in college where as these two actually have something at stake. Eh.

Round 1: Favorite Performance of the Season

Lee DeWyze, The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. I suspect there are restrictions on choosing a song from just last week for your favorite song of the season. Otherwise, there is no reason why Lee would not have chosen “Hallelujah.” The vocal on this felt a little desperate. Like Lee knew the stakes were high so he had to make the song sound more impressive or challenging than when he first performed it. Not a great interpretation of the category when the way you sang it the first time is what garnered such positive feedback. Kara suggested he should have “punched harder” followed by examples of what punching looks like. Simon told Lee that he expected more passion and excitement. “That was a kiss on the cheek when I want a kiss on the lips.” Insert squeals from Seacrest.

Crystal Bowersox, Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. This song was also my favorite of Crystal’s from the season. It came at a time when she seemed to understand the unspoken rule of humbleness when speaking to the judges. Crystal certainly took the prize for this round, reminding the audience what a unique character she has brought to a competition that has really lacked dimensionality in terms of contestants the past few seasons. Randy thought it was dope (good one) and Kara told her she had fire in her belly tonight. Are you calling me fat? Simon declared that with that performance the competition had begun, adding “That was great.” No you are!

Round 2: Executive Producer Simon Fuller’s choice

Lee DeWyze, Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. Great song choice for Lee but I have noticed that Simon Fuller always picks a song that the contestant basically already did. Talk about playing it safe. A gospel choir made an appearance for the performance. What is this, Clay Aiken singing Bridge Over Troubled Water? They should have used a bagpiper instead. It would have felt much more personal. Randy said that he could feel that Lee that he loves by the end. Kara told him that it wasn’t the best vocal but that he is so emotionally accessible and “I love that about you.” Yeah, I’ll give you that. Simon, acting as the stern father he never got to be, told Lee “I want a 10 out of 10 because you’re capable of that.” Yes sir. Lee proceeded to walk off the stage to Charlie Brown’s gloomy theme music.

Crystal Bowersox, Black Velvet by Alannah Myles. Is it just me or could you have sworn that this song was by someone more famous? Anyway, one thing I have always resented American Idol for is making their contestants do things for staging purposes that clearly have no relation to the contestant’s personality or natural rhythm. For example, making Crystal walk down the stairs sans guitar, avec sky high heels. It’s the biggest night of her life, coordination is the last thing she should have to manage. Randy had momentary “that was hot!” turrets, repeating this “analysis” a couple of times before passing it over to Ellen. Simon complained that after nine years of hearing that song (we miss you Kimberly Caldwell!) he is practically allergic to it. But in his very Simon way of complaining before praising, he continued on, saying, “You took the song and you absolutely nailed it…REALLY good.” I can’t remember if there was a wink but even if there wasn’t those words would have had me floating up to the high heavens.

Round 3: Single to be Released

Lee DeWyze, Beautiful Day by U2. Hold up. Why on Earth is the song they are potentially releasing to the radio a cover song? What stations are supposed to play it? Top 40? In all my time spent in the car listening to the radio, I have never heard an identical cover of a hit from 2000 coming in after a Black Eyed Peas song. This does not bode well. The performance was Lee’s strongest of the night but still not his best of the season and he really needed that. Maybe it was the metallic hoodie he was wearing that distracted him. Ellen commended him for being fully present and said she loved that he could get to that place for the song. Kara felt like he had gotten swallowed by the song but that his journey and growth on the show earned him the right to be standing where he was. By the finale I think the judges really come alive with the most grandiose comments they can think of, whether they’re deserved or not. I loved what Simon said when he reminded all of us that “this show is about giving someone a break.” And I fell in love with it and him all over again. Simon told Lee that “I genuinely wish the best for you” and Lee assured us that no matter what, he will be doing this for the rest of his life. So, your hearts can rest easy tonight Mount Prospect.

Crystal Bowersox, Up to the Mountain by Patty Griffin. Seriously, you want this song on the radio? Right after “Can’t Be Tamed” by Miley Cyrus? Ok. I suspect the producers just got worried that Kara was going to volunteer to write the winner’s song again (Just when you almost gave up on your dreams/They take you by the hand and show you that you can — never again Kara). I actually liked her performance. Speaking to the evening as a whole, Crystal was the clear winner and I think proved herself to be a much more artistic singer than Lee. Ellen said she was in a league of her own. And she was. Crystal was a game changer and opened this competition up to so many more talented singers out there who never would have thought to audition the same way Chris Daughtry did for rockers four years ago. Kara reminisced about Crystal spending much of the season with her walls up: “I couldn’t see what was going on inside you and tonight that’s all I could see.” Oh Kara, sometimes you say things that make me regret being so hard on you. That was insightful. Simon reminded the audience that this was going to be his last critique ever and for that reason, succinctly put, “That was outstanding.”

After the final judging Ryan came out and asked Crystal if she was beside herself with those comments. “Actually, I’m beside Ryan Seacrest right now.” Aaaaand, you just cost yourself the win. I warned you.

So because of the standard three round circus seen on Tuesday, Idol producers decided to seize the opportunity to shake things up on night two and have the two hour long season finale, for the first time ever, have nothing to do with the two contestants competing for the title. I think I saw less of Lee and Crystal Wednesday night than I did during the Chicago auditions. The night was really about what the show has been about all season, the judges. One judge in particular of course, Simon Cowell who bid us farewell in the only way he knew how: with 80% of his shirt unbuttoned.

For the historic event, they allowed onto the stage every singer with an album to promote as well as every singer or band that had an album to promote in 1976. All of these performances were blended with vocals from various combinations of Idol’s Top 12. I was most upset about the decision to have the Top 6 girls do a Christina Aguilera medley. By that point we knew any song performed by the Idols was going to lead to an introduction of the original artist so to have to sit through Lacey Brown and Siobhan Magnus emote their way through Beautiful knowing Christina was about to come out and slash their dreams with her vocal runs was downright depressing. Michael Lynche returned after spending a solid thirty seconds with his newborn daughter and performed “Taking It To The Streets” with Michael McDonald. Was Paul Anka not available for the biggest night in music television? I think this quote from one of my favorite movies of all time sums up my feelings on this decision pretty nicely:

I would rather watch “Beautician and the Beast”. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear “Yah Mo B There” one more time, I’m going to “Yah Mo” burn this place to the ground.

Janet Jackson was given approximately 45 minutes to sing complete with a coat that kind of looked like pants and later a unitard.

Casey James was given a solo performance but as soon as he started strumming that guitar and singing the opening lyrics to “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” I knew what was coming. “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE WELCOME BRETT MICHAELS!” AHHHHHHH. It was the best part of the night. He’s such a survivor. It made me briefly consider sending in an audition tape for the next season of Rock of Love but knowing me I would show up wearing a turtleneck from J. Crew and this would be my competition:

So I’m putting that plan on the back burner for now.

The final tribute to Simon started with a special appearance from Paula Abdul and it made me sincerely nostalgic for the days when Idol still felt like a family and not an enterprise. And Ryan Seacrest had highlights. Though Paula’s inability to form a coherent sentence reminded me of how nice it would have been to have DVR back in those glory days, you could feel how much the audience missed her and how second rate Kara and Ellen were feeling. Sorry bout it.

After a multitude of montages involving horrific acting on behalf of Randy Jackson and more than one shot of the staged make out between Simon and Paula back in season 2 or 3, the musical tribute began. Kelly Clarkson came out singing “Together We Are One” followed by Reuben “I’m a Vegan now” Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, and just when you thought they didn’t invite Taylor Hicks, out he came as well. Kris Allen finished out the winner’s circle, confirming that David Cook did indeed decline to come. That’s ok because David Archuleta was granted permission to stay up past his bed time and led the pack of other former Idol contestants on stage to join in on the performance. It was a fitting moment for a man that truly changed the lives of all these aspiring singers as well as the face of television as a whole.

I’m already missing him and with his departure from American Idol, I now turn my full attention to The X-Factor. See you in September Simon.

Oh, and Lee won. He was pretty happy about it.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Why would Jack just assume we’re lesbians.
Gretchen: I am a lesbian.
Liz: Hmm, that’s awesome.

Hey, threesome? How about it?

Dear Tina,

By the time the third contestant came round last night to perform, this trio officially marked season 9 American Idol: Acoustic-Off 2010. Seriously, in all nine seasons that I have diligently watched (except season 6 which, really, no one cared about), there has never been so much emotional guitar strumming. Granted, instruments have only been allowed to accompany the performers in the last couple of season, but still I don’t imagine, even if given the opportunity, Fantasia Barrino or Clay Aiken would have picked up an acoustic guitar to engage our hearts and capture our votes. We finally whittled our way down to the top 3 which should have meant less work for me but of course each contestant had to sing twice. The night was divided into two rounds, the contestants’ choice and the judges’ choice. In both instances Casey left his hair down and with that I knew his journey was over. That, and he performed poorly. Let’s take a look.

Round 1: Contestants’ Choice

Casey James, Ok, It’s Alright With Me by Eric Hutchinson. A song this obscure is truly only appropriate during the original audition when it doesn’t so much matter what you’re singing as it does what you sound like. Sure it would be nice if this competition were solely about singing talent but nothing about the entertainment industry is solely about talent. I mean, Ke$ha has the number 10 most purchased song of all time on iTunes. The other reason why I was disappointed Casey chose this song was because it invited the almost too predictable critique from Randy, “It’s like the song says, it was just aiight for me.” Ellen told Casey that this was the night he needed to bring something bigger and Simon said if he was having dinner, that was salad. No one loves a nice metaphor more than SC. Well, if we weren’t sure of your departure before the episode began, I’m afraid we are now. Someday Casey will wake up and realize that American Idol was, in fact, not a jam band competition.

Crystal Bowersox, Come Through My Window by Melissa Etheridge. Moving in the opposite direction of Casey who picked an artist best known for his work on the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 soundtrack, Crystal chose a song that fit her as an artist perfectly. When it came to the performance, however, there was a rushed quality to Crystal’s voice that seemed to take away from Melissa Etheridge’s raw sound. Also, her choice to include the harmonica in her instrumentation (and in her accessories) didn’t necessarily give her the edge, it just gave me anxious hoping she had enough breath at the end to even play it properly. But in spite of these really minor setbacks, Crystal played by the rules and proved herself a great artist doing so. She picked a song people wanted to hear her sing and though Simon criticized saying, “not the most stunning version of the song we’re ever going to hear,” he commended her for never compromising herself as an artist, “I have a lot of respect for you for that.” And from Simon, that’s all you really need.

Lee DeWyze, Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Suddenly this competition has become the Lee show, which is pretty incredible considering the memory of him singing “Fireflies” by Owl City during the top 24 is burned in my memory. In the bad way. The man has come a long way and I’m delighted he has because he is incredibly talented and believably humble. When he was finished, Randy channeled Oprah and shouted “SOMEBODY FEELS LIKE THEY COULD WIIIIIIINNNNN THHHIIIISSSSS! HERE COMES JOHN TRAVOLTAAAAA!” Hmm, actually now I can’t remember if he said that second part or not… Kara commended Lee for showing us “everything you’ve got” and awarded him champion of round 1. Simon, perking up for the first time since the show started, told him it was a brilliant song choice and that he had crushed the other two. He did. It was without a doubt the strongest performance of the round and the only song/arrangement that fit the performer and the circumstances of the evening. When asked why he chose that song, Lee said “When I play it I’m really happy to be playing it.” So, no points awarded for articulation.

Round 2: Judges’ Choice

Casey James, Daughters by John Mayer. Alright so Kara and Randy selected this song for Casey. Kara explained their her choice of song because she feels that Casey’s audience is women and girls and this was the perfect song because it speaks to them and he can show them his vulnerable side. And then in an overtly sexual way she added, “So give it to them.” First of all, drink every time Kara says vulnerable. Second of all, and I say this as a John Mayer fan, I hate this song. It should be put on reserve for brides not creative enough to come up with something more unique for their father/daughter dance. Final 3, final song? No, no. After the performance Simon criticized the song selection and said “…they’ve chosen a song where the climax is a quite limp guitar solo and I think I hold these two slightly responsible for not working with you harder to give you a much bigger vocal moment.” Kara of course interrupted him explaining that the notes of the song are all in the same range and the song is about the emotion more than the vocals. Simon tried his best to ignore this insufficient argument and continued to say, “The song didn’t have that wow factor.” And Kara retorted, “Because that’s the way it’s written!” THAT’S HIS POINT KARA, YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED A DIFFERENT SONG. Oh my gosh, I am not going to miss her after next week. Sorry Casey, you lost.

Crystal Bowersox, Maybe I’m Amazed by Paul McCartney. Honestly the biggest surprise of the evening for me was that Ellen was allowed to pick a song for one of the contestants by herself instead of Kara, the now two year veteran. That’s really neither here nor there because I suspect being partnered up with Randy is a lot like working by yourself anyway, but it turned out to be a good move on behalf of the producers because Ellen made an excellent choice for Crystal. Lightyears ahead of her first performance, Crystal reminded the audience how she got so far and even though she never got the memo about standing mute during the judging — save for one or two “thank you’s” — she is an amazing talent. One of the judges commented that she had used parts of her voice that they had never heard before that night. Again, this is the kind of wow factor and risk that Simon argued was missing from Casey’s performance. Simon told Crystal that she can thank Ellen next week for putting her in the final. WINK. Died.

Lee DeWyze, Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen/Jeff Buckley. I wrote earlier in the week that while I was at a party last Saturday, someone who attended Lee’s homecoming told me this was the song Simon chose for Lee. I don’t have any statistics to back this up but honestly “Hallelujah” has to be on the top 10 list of most covered songs of all time. So I was a little disappointed with Simon who clearly is as bored with American Idol as he seems to be. Well bite your tongue Catherine J. because Lee took this number and stole the show! It felt a little bit like he was on a different playing field than the other two, what with the gospel-esque choir behind him and the white lights recreating what heaven must be like if it is in deed, as I believe, a giant stage. Kara, bless her heart, summarized the performance and Lee’s journey the best: “Lee you are what this show is all about. Somebody who starts in one place and ends up here tonight in an incredible, epic moment. You are the heart of this show this season and you just owned the entire night.” Brava Kara, well put. Simon of course got all tingly and smiley because he once again had the best song selection of all the judges. He told him he was a fantastic singer and a great person and hoped he would return next week. If only he had demanded Lee shave that patch of grass under his chin.

One more week. Now that it’s almost over it seems to have gone by in an instant. It seems like just last week I was nervously shaking at the sight of Victoria Beckham’s skeleton during the very first audition episode. Casey was eliminated tonight. Not a surprise. I will miss the way his entire body stood stiff while he sang except for his head which just slightly shook back and forth. It reminded me of my neighbor from senior year of college whose body did the same thing when he was severely intoxicated. So check back in with me for the finale next week. I’ll try to post my thoughts on a day when people are actually still talking about it. And not three days later….eh, my b.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: I walked in your shoes today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I don’t think you did, sir. I’ve just got the one pair and I sleep in them.

I’m gay for Jamie.

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol, Jamie Foxx stopped by to mentor the kids and reminded us that we should be more upset that he has an Oscar. And possibly even more upset that he has a Grammy. Don’t get me wrong. In 2005 I was all about the Booty Call star receiving an Oscar, I like that kind of underdog story, but his manner when informing others on how to achieve success is downright obnoxious. For example, while mentoring Lee DeWyze, Jamie got inches from his face and instructed him to start singing. The only way this tactic could have been more aggressive would be if Jamie started screaming “Sing! Sing!” in German. The reasoning behind this, Jamie later shared, was if Lee can’t handle this then he can’t handle singing in front of 10,000 people. I hear your point there Jamie but the fact of the matter is, Lee has been singing in front of 20 million+ viewers for about three months now so…maybe you want to take a step back. Before the results show aired it was my hope that Michael Lynche would go home in order to have the ultimate emo-acoustic guitar-off in Idol history.

Tonight the theme was music from film. If you were hoping for a country-blues inspired version of “My Heart Will Go On” from Casey James you will be sorely disappointed.

Lee DeWyze, Kiss From a Rose by Seal. I think it’s time someone acknowledge that this song from the Batman Forever soundtrack is not as affective as one might like to believe it is. Sure it has a nice melody but really it should be reserved for background music at a gynecologist’s office or a playlist for a 90s themed party you throw as an excuse to ironically accessorize your outfit with a mini backpack. A disappointing and predictable choice for Lee. Randy threw out some generic advice by telling him he should have chosen a rock song. Really? Because whenever contestants go that route they inevitably choose “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from Armageddon and I have uncomfortable flashbacks to slow dancing in seventh grade. Simon told him that he was trying too hard to sound like the original and other such repetitive nonsense about making it “original” and making it “you.” Lee explained his choice by saying, and I may or may not be paraphrasing here, “I found it and I liked it!” Mmm not the most articulate fellow. That’s ok, your eyes sparkle so you’re safe.

Michael Lynche, Will You Be There by Michael Jackson. Michael stepped into dangerous territory last night if he is at all concerned with my opinion. And I imagine he is. “Will You Be There” from the Free Willy soundtrack is one of my favorite songs of all time. Last summer while sitting around my friend’s kitchen table I threw my head back so aggressively while lip-synching to this song that I hit my head on the glass cabinet behind me. Granted the original song is a bit lengthy but Michael’s 1:40 mishmash of verses and choruses and vocal runs was filled with poor, indulgent decisions. Ellen called the performance “a little bit predictable.” Yes! Ellen! That’s the kind of insight I have been looking for all season. It was predictable. I have a feeling Michael went to the producers and asked which of the song choices could incorporate a gospel choir that could enhance his “soulfulness.” Kara told him that it was a performance he could do in his sleep and a confused Simon said “I can’t connect a whale named Willy and what you just did.” Oh Simon, you’re so British. Just for making one of the greatest songs from the late Michael Jackson so mediocre, Michael needs to back his bags. Also, I’m not sure of the context, but in my notes I wrote “Jamie Foxx reminds me of the most annoying person I’ve ever met.” Sounds about right.

Casey James, Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel. It’s been a day but I’m pretty sure Ryan introduced this song as the theme from The Graduate. Er, couldn’t it be argued that the theme from The Graduate is Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence” as it was used three times in the film and the version of “Mrs. Robinson” as the radio knows it was not actually the version you hear in the film? I think I could make that argument but you’re a Top 40 guy Ryan so I’ll let it slide. Now with Casey’s performance, first of all, get those girls swaying and clapping behind him away from him. We know they’re doing it because a producer told them to and they want to be on TV. It’s distracting. If the song wasn’t about an older woman’s seduction of a recent college graduate, then I would say the way Casey sang it sounded almost like something you’d hear performed at a church youth group. It lacked a mature quality and bordered on being hokey. The judges were a mess when it came time to critique, making about a dozen references to Kara being a cougar preying on Casey. That joke wasn’t funny the first time it was mentioned four months ago and I am disappointed to see that they are so unoriginal as to bring up again this far into the competition. Simon finally reeled it in, acknowledging that Casey actually has a lot on the line here and as much as Kara would like to believe differently, it’s not about her. He told him “It was a little bit lazy and I think you could have made more of an impact.” Get in the game Case, it’s top 4.

Crystal Bowersox, I’m Alright by Kenny Loggins. This song from Caddyshack was by far the most original song choice of the group and went on to be the strongest solo performance of the night. But unfortunately during movie week, that was kind of like taking home the least amount of Razzies. Still, Crystal came back after two bad weeks and proved that she is as talented as we thought and as creative as her dreadlocks make her appear to be. Ellen told her that she had taken the song and made it better — true –and Kara, suffering a bout of tourettes, told Crystal “Artist. Artist. Artist.” Solid advice as always. Simon told Crystal that she was back in the game and then WINKED! I tell you if I had a dying wish it would be for Simon Cowell to wink at me. During the judging their were multiple camera shots to and multiple conversations regarding Crystal’s boyfriend who must have been moments away from bedtime because he was dressed in a high school gym shirt and American flag pants. Patriotism in the form of pants will not get you points, sir. Briefly, this song reminded me of this gem from Arrested Development which is far more entertaining than the song itself:

Lucille: How’s my son?
Doctor: He’s going to be all right.
Lindsay Funke: Finally some good news from this guy.
George Michael Bluth: There’s no other way to take that.
Doctor: That’s a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don’t know that I’d take it this well.
Lucille: But you said he was alright.
Doctor: Yes, he’s lost his left hand. So he’s going to be “all right.”

There were two duet performances interspersed in last night’s episode, first Lee and Crystal and later a closing number from Casey and Michael. The judges all agreed that both performances were enormously better than any solo they had heard that night. It was a little sad to see the pairings because clearly the producers were presenting your top two and your soon-to-be-forgotten two. Michael and Casey sang “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” from Don Juan DeMarco. Ellen chimed in, “As a matter of fact, I have loved a woman.” Cue uproarious laughter. Aww, everyone loves a lesbian joke as told by a lesbian. Lee and Crystal blew every performance from this season to date out of the water with “Falling Slowly” from Once. Enjoy below.

Michael Lynche did go home and no one was more upset about than his wife. Which was sweet, but also just reminded me that Michael skipped out on the birth of his child for this so…hope it was worth it. Next week the top three go home and we the viewers get to see great footage of Arlington Race Track during Lee’s homecoming. Chicago’s northern suburbs should be so proud.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jenna: He was flirting. Did you ever even talk to him?
Liz: I yelled at him about a rule violation.