It’s like jazz. Jazz that you can laugh at. Ah ha ha ha!

Dear Tina,

How much time do you think it would take for five people to perform songs with each one lasting no more than two and a half minutes? Well if you used your basic math skills you might guess seven and a half minutes. Well you would be wrong. It takes an hour. Last night I caught American Idol after it originally aired which turned out to be a good thing because while FOX dedicated an entire hour to the show, I managed to see everything I needed to see in approximately 23 minutes. It was Frank Sinatra night mentored by the wonderfully hilarious Harry Connick Jr. A genre that really doesn’t fit any singer other than Frank Sinatra, Frank Sinatra impersonators on America’s Got Talent, and Harry Connick Jr. It was a night of a lot of yeah-I-guess-that-was-good’s. Let’s take a look.

Aaron Kelly, Fly Me to the Moon. Well Aaron gets two points last night for wearing a suit vest, the first fitted article of clothing he’s worn all season. Apparently his dad ran out of leather jackets from the 1980s to borrow. When Aaron walked into his rehearsal, HCJ, as he will be known for the rest of this post, shouted “Big Mike!” Funny! I wish all mentors were musically and comedically talented. I may have actually listened to what Miley Cyrus had to say had she been even slightly more amusing than a cardboard cutout version of herself. After his performance, where he looked awfully serious considering you can’t get much more lighthearted than Sinatra, Randy reminded Aaron that they are at the stage in the competition where the judges really need to see who is in it to win it. Haven’t they been saying that since, like, the top 11? Anyway, Kara told Aaron he could stand to have a bit more charisma and needed to fill the stage with his presence. But observing his wilting body language she quickly adds, “This isn’t a negative, this is constructive criticism. Ok honey?” So actually it’s not constructive criticism, it’s condescending criticism. Also, supporting Aaron in the audience last night was the cast of Steel Magnolias. Or maybe just his mom and her friends. Hard to tell. He’ll be safe this week, I’m sure, but if he makes it to the top three I’m moving to Canada.

Casey James, Blue Skies. The ponytail was back so as far as I’m concerned he could have howled like an alley cat during his performance and I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Before cueing to his video package, Ryan sat with Casey on stage and once again made reference to Casey’s good looks and large female fan base. I honestly think Ryan gets more excited about Casey being a heart throb than Casey does. In an attempt to stray away from Ryan’s ogling, Casey told a story about his friend who called him up last week to see if he was available for a gig on Tuesday. So Casey’s inner circle is out of touch with mainstream culture. Shock. It’s not hard for me to imagine how Casey fits into a group like that. Sometimes I think Casey just stumbled onto this enormous platform, saw an audience, grabbed a guitar, shrugged and said “Alright, let’s tear it up!” When it came time to perform, a guitarless Casey struggled with how to make use of his mic-free hand. The poor guy needed a coffee mug to hold on to or something. The judges collectively disliked the performance mainly because he sung it poorly. Not a good sign. Considering he’s been in the bottom two for the past two weeks, and America seems to have an affinity for David Archuleta types, I’m afraid Casey’s time may have come.

Crystal Bowersox, Summer Wing. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching someone do something that was clearly not their idea and therefore they deliver the direction extremely awkwardly. Such was my experience watching Crystal sit next to HCJ at the start of her song and then stroke his arm like a middle schooler trying her hand at flirting for the first time. Crystal looked stunning in a strapless gown and thanks to the Idol makeover machine, they managed to almost completely mask her dreadlocks with a swanky up-do. Seriously if you were to do a screen split of Crystal at her audition and Crystal last night, you would have sworn it was two different people. Kind of like the before and after images of Heidi Montag during the current opening credits for The Hills—except not terrifying. During the judging there were a variety of synonyms for “meh” used to describe how the first three felt. So it was a relief when Simon’s turn came, who nailed the problem right on the head. As I mentioned last week, Crystal has a tendency to talk back to the judges when defending her selection and arrangement. Simon aptly reminded her that “It’s not about just singing for yourself anymore. It’s about using this opportunity to nail it week after week after week.” While I appreciate Crystal’s desire to express different sides of her musical ability, it’s still a competition and if you were a track star you wouldn’t jog during a sprint just to show people how versatile you are. Step it up.

Michael Lynche, The Way You Look Tonight. I’d like to refer back to a frequent criticism of Simon’s and that is to say someone or something was indulgent. Michael Lynche that hat you wore last night for Sinatra week was indulgent. I just…the hat, the vest, the wallet chain. It’s overkill. It’s like the American Idol equivalent of a “hottest bachelors” photo shoot where all the men are playing frisbee on the beach shirtless. Really Michael, you have swagger, I get it. His performance was solid and I think he has continued to prove that it wasn’t a total waste using the judges save on him a few weeks back. After he sang, Randy pulled out an old staple from his bag of acclamations with, “That’s what I’m talking about!” which is usually followed by a half-stand and a two-finger point at the contestant. Ellen praised him for being the most comfortable on stage and moving with the greatest ease of any of the five contestants left. A bit ironic considering his biceps are the size of Aaron Kelly sitting down so I wouldn’t call him limber, but nevertheless true. Michael won’t win the competition but it’s kind of fun to think back to the auditions and realize that a guy you never gave half a chance to is truly holding his own through the end.

Lee DeWyze, That’s Life. Old Blue Eyes anyone? Did he have a procedure done to make his eyes sparkle like that? I don’t know if anyone else caught this but when it cut to Lee right before the commercial break when he was up in the balcony he absolutely winked at the camera. Um, was that for votes? Because it worked. Well in my heart it worked, I didn’t actually make a call. HCJ referred to Lee as “a new and improved version of me” which I don’t really think is fair because were HCJ to knock on my door I wouldn’t turn him away hoping for someone younger. I’m just saying. After listening to the praise Michael Lynche received, I was struck by Lee’s stage presence, which reminded me of a college freshman giving a presentation in Speech Comm 100. Regardless, he sang the song phenomenally and may have officially jumped rank and become my first choice to win. Kara asked Lee, with the aggression of a schoolyard bully, “do you think you can win this??” Ahh yes just stop yelling at me! Simon spoke on behalf of the other judges for no other reason other than he can, and announced Lee’s performance the best of the night. Pretty nice except that such a grand compliment was attached to Simon reminding him that he had no one but HCJ to thank for that:”He brought out your personality, your confidence.” So Lee you may want to hire him as your permanent mentor. Or Usher. Your call.

We’re getting down to the wire. By the end of the month we’ll have our 9th idol to…idolize…for a few shorts weeks before they become the opening act for the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. Well in anticipation here’s hoping Kara isn’t responsible for writing the winner’s song this year. Save ourselves from another “You’ll make it through the pain/Weather the hurricanes/To get that one thing” travesty like last year. To get to that one thing, huh? I see specificity was never your forte Ms. DioGuardi.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Oh you idiot with your stupid face! You look like Gene Simmons had sex with a basset hound!

Well, who’s this southern peach?

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol the contestants took a swing at the songbook of country sensation Shania Twain. Did you know that Shania has the best selling album of all time for a female recording artist? And that it was also the best selling Country album of all time? Well Wikipedia.com knew and now so do I. The album, Come on Over, featured sixteen tracks, twelve of which became singles. Pretty impressive considering current singing sensation Justin Bieber only has ten songs total on his number one album. I was really hoping one of the contestants would tackle “That Don’t Impress Me Much”, preferably Aaron Kelly if for no other reason than to hear him say “Ok. So you’re Brad Pitt!” And maybe he too would have worn a leopard print hoodie for the performance as Shania did in the music video. Turns out things went a bit more predictably and all leopard hoodies were left on the racks. Maybe they’ll find a way to incorporate them in next week’s tribute to Frank Sinatra. On to the performances.

Lee DeWyze, You’re Still the One. I was reminded last night when Shania Twain told Lee he was “rushing the guitar a little bit” that the advice to slow down or speed up is virtually all these mentors ever offer. Either that or they just say something about how proud they are to hear the song sung so well by another artist (and then you realize they’re talking to Aaron Kelly and that they’re lying). Lee did sound great, in the predictable way that he always sounds great when singing with an acoustic guitar and a raspy voice. Randy told Lee he had found his sweet spot in this lower register, an observation that could have been made after hearing Lee at his audition, and therefore irrelevant. Ellen made the unfortunate mistake of opening with a pun, “All aboard the Shania Twain!”, and now I can no longer say the singer’s name without feeling like I have a speech impediment. Kara used the song’s lyrics as an awkward segue into telling Lee “look how far you’ve made it!” and proceeded to interrupt Simon when he tried to talk leaving Lee without any criticism or praise from the only judge he cares to hear it from. If only Kara’s need to be the only voice heard in the room was a solitary occurrence last night…

Michael Lynche, It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing. While I was taking notes I initially wrote down “It Only Hurts When You’re Breathing” which definitely has violent undertones so I was glad to realize my error. I had never heard this song before which is good for Michael because after he sang it, I honestly couldn’t imagine it as anything other than an R&B record. That being said, Michael has a tendency to sing every song as if he were singing “I’ll Cover You (Reprise)” from Rent. For those that don’t know, that song is sung in tribute to the character’s dead lover. So…tone down the drama Michael. The camera cut to the audience just in time to see Shania’s single tear rolling down her cheek and cut back to Michael just in time to see him lick his lips 17 more times before he was through singing. When it was over, Ellen compared him to Luther Vandross (accurate) and Simon described his performance style as “wet.” Before given an opportunity to elaborate, Kara once again interrupted him and we had the second awkward transition back to Ryan of the night.

Casey James, Don’t. Sweet Casey decided to clear his head after winding up in the bottom two last week and for our sake did so outside of a spray tan booth. A far cry from that lovely shade of orange he was sporting last week, Casey looked delightful with his hair down and what appeared to be a whale’s tooth around his neck. Also, for the first time I noticed how similar his hair texture is to Taylor Swift’s. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or not, but I’m leaning towards not. Get that guy a hair tie. During his video introduction Casey reveals that this song will give him a chance to do something he hasn’t done yet: sing. Uh, what exactly have you been doing this whole time? Whatever it was clearly you’ve distracted your audience with winking and smiles because they keep voting for you regardless. After the performance though, I think I see his point. Vocally he finally took the risk Kara has been asking him to take all season. Kara tells him, and I may be paraphrasing, “Artists do not hide the good, the bad, the ugly. You were vulnerable, you were raw. You didn’t cover it up, you didn’t hide.” He’s not going through rehab, let’s all catch our breath. The judges gave a resounding “best performance from you so far” and Casey is sure to be safe this week.

Crysal Bowersox, No One Needs to Know. I mean, yeah, the night that everyone else kind of amps things up was not the night for you to decide to perform in the style of a basement jam session. I’m nervous because Crystal was virtually the only one who received any negative feedback so hopefully her fan base is larger and more aggressive than I am imagining. I think Crystal is stunning but considering the American Idol voting demographic is girls between the ages of 12 and 12 ½, her dreadlocks and enormous back tattoo may not be doing her any favors. Crystal and half a dozen other musicians playing center stage with her, strummed through this number that I am fairly certain only Shania Twain herself has ever listened to. Randy complimented her for keeping it country during what was essentially country week. Simon was most succinct with his judgement when he said “Shocker. We don’t like Crystal this week.” Yes, they can waste time bemoaning “it wasn’t your best” or “that’s not what we expect from you” (and boy did they) or we can call a spade a spade and move on. No it wasn’t great. But it still showcased passion and skill and for that Crystal should be safe. The most disappointing moment was when Crystal talked back to the judges. Ugh, honestly did we learn nothing from Justin Guarini in season 1? Take your criticisms like a gentleman or a lady and hope for the best. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

Aaron Kelly, You’ve Got A Way. Someone had a birthday! Yes our little Aaron is all…but one year away from being an adult. It still feels like infinity. With Aaron, and I don’t just say this because his presence in this competition annoys me so much, but I really think that week to week people kind of forget he’s still around. Up until last week, us faithful (and wise) Idol fans were crabby all day on Tuesday knowing we had to come home and watch another Tim Urban performance but at least we remembered it was coming. When Aaron shows up to sing you’re kind of like “oh yeah, that kid.” So who’s voting for him? Yeah, his mom, I know, but seriously who else? I try to always give credit where credit is earned and Aaron definitely sang his song well last night. But that’s kind of like the time a few years ago when I was singing leisurely in my friend’s basement and he said “oh that note sounded good.” Really? Just the one? Yes Aaron, just this one. Kara was glad that Aaron had rephrased the line “It’s in the way we make love” because that was something, she thinks, he hasn’t experienced yet. And I was glad he changed it too after it was revealed that he had dedicated the song to his mother. In conclusion, I hope he goes home tonight.

Siobhan Magnus, Any Man of Mine. During their time together, Shania told Siobhan that she was playing a role in this song and that she needed to get into character. Isn’t Siobhan kind of enough character on her own? Last time she tried on too many characters she wound up coming on stage covered in butterflies. Ellen, regrettably, told Siobhan “Way to pull the Shania Twain into the station.” The more time I spend on this Earth the more I realize how much I hate puns. While Simon was beginning to say “The screaming at the end may have been a bit…” he was interrupted again by Kara. Really Kara, sometimes I try and look for reasons to embrace you as a judge and it has become an uphill battle. When Simon was given the opportunity to continue speaking, he told her to watch her facial expressions when she goes into shrill mode. I likened the look on Siobhan’s face during her final wail to that of someone suffering constipation, Simon compared it to child birth. Either way, hone that in. It is your money maker after all. For those that like to pay money for that sort of thing.

So we’re halfway through the top 12 and looking back I can’t even remember some of the contestants that were with us not too long ago. Paige Miles? Was that someone I went to middle school with? Tonight we lose one more and God willing it’s not Crystal, Lee, or Casey. The talent this season was already verging on intolerable so to lose one of the performers I actually looked forward to seeing would be a shame. And by shame I mean I would consider discontinuing the season recording on my DVR. What would be the point? To watch instant replay of Siobhan parading around in the costume rejection collection from Romy and Michele’s High School Reuinon? I’d rather watch Cougar Town.

Update: Siobhan went home. Fine.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: What makes you laugh?
Kenneth: The usual I suppose. Two hobos sharing a bean. Lady airline pilots.

Sir, I accidentally saw your paycheck. Well I hope it was inspirational.

Dear Tina,

The number of contestants on American Idol is finally starting to dwindle significantly. Great news for me as it means I have less work to do on Wednesdays. This week was Inspiration Week with guest mentor Alicia Keys. Not the most inspirational singer I can think of but I guess Enrique Iglesias was busy. Onto the performances.

Casey James, Don’t Stop by Fleetwood Mac. Casey returned this week well rested after spending the majority of his time in between performances in a tanning booth. Holy orange skin, did you get confused and think you were suddenly competing on Dancing With The Stars? You’re from Texas–the sun-kissed look was working much better for you. The judges were less than pleased with Casey’s performance. Ellen reminded Casey that the competition is getting to the stage where she has to start getting tougher. “Someone is going home every week.” Well, yes, but it’s kind of been like that for awhile now but I hear what you’re saying. Kara criticized Casey for making himself sound like everybody else and said for the umpteenth time this season that she was really “frustrated.” Your role as judge is to be objective so please, was it good or bad and why, spare us your inner turmoil. Simon noted that the song wasn’t exactly inspirational, which unfortunately is true. It’s the kind of song you’d put on a playlist for a cocktail party if you wanted all music selections to be neutral.

Lee DeWyze, The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. Praise from the judges (ie “I could see that being on your record.” or “This is you in your element.”) often feels insincere or hyperbolized in the context of the performance. Take Tim Urban’s performance during Elvis week. The judges acted like singing one song slightly above average actually made him a contender in a competition that is looking for a music superstar. But last night when Simon told Lee that he made his rendition of “The Boxer” sound like it was something written a week ago, it was a spot on critique worthy of this performance. Lee transformed the folk rock hit into an edgier, acoustic rock version that encapsulated Lee as an artist. So much so that had you never heard the original, you never would have guessed it was a Simon and Garfunkel song. Yet he still maintained the emotion and, for the sake of the theme, inspiration tied to the song’s lyrics and musicality. Randy commented that “This season is really about artists.” Hold your horses there Randy. This season is really about mediocrity, you just have contestants like Lee and Crystal there to give you hope that there is still enough talent left in the country for this show to stay relevant until your contract is up.

Tim Urban, Better Days by The Goo Goo Dolls. If you can’t inspire America with a Goo Goo Dolls song, that’s like a preacher not being able to inspire his congregation with The Bible. How hard can it be to trigger an emotional response when you’re singing about praying for the world’s children to have a more peaceful future? Well I’ll tell you it becomes a lot harder when your audience is too distracted by your inability to stay on pitch to even consider the children. And that’s where Tim falters a bit. Er, a lot. Kara told Tim that this style of music (meaning the use of an acoustic guitar) is where he belongs but it wasn’t his best execution. There was nothing complicated about this piece, not a single note outside the kid’s comfort zone, so if he can’t execute this well, then what exactly are we waiting for? Ellen, keen on the metaphors, compared Tim to the soup of the day: “sometimes I like the soup and sometimes I don’t like the soup.” I like where Ellen is going with this because I hate soup so when I see the soup of the day I say “pass.”

Aaron Kelly, I Believe I Can Fly by R. Kelly. The only thing I learned about Aaron during Inspiration Week is that he is a fan of the movie Space Jam and/or Michael Jordan. Well, who isn’t so once again Aaron you have proved yourself unremarkable and unmemorable. In case it has slipped your memory, I Believe I Can Fly is the theme song from Space Jam and also apparently the theme song from Aaron’s preschool graduation. A nugget of information disclosed by Aaron after his performance. Sigh. Kara used a flight/airplane metaphor to describe his performance, something about a bumpy take-off. Simon more succinctly said that if he had heard that on the radio he would have turned it off after ten seconds. Think of it as the Plain White T’s effect.

Siobhan Magnus, When You Believe by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. Really? You didn’t want to go for the song that included all of the former divas from Divas Live? You thought two might be more subtle and invite less comparison? I’m sure all of my questions will be answered by Siobhan herself in no less than 2000 words. I don’t know why Siobhan is the only contestant who feels the need (and is allowed) to respond to the judges’ critiques by way of an emotional diatribe on par with Norma Rae’s but we need to shut that down. To make matters worse, or better if you like plastic butterflies hanging off your clothes, the outfit Siobhan was wearing looked like she was promoting absinthe at a college bar. Kara offered this gem of a critique likely to put Siobhan on the fast track to music stardom: “I’m starting to feel like I’d want to hang out with you more than buy your record.” Oh. Ok, so…do you have plans this Friday? With Siobhan, what once felt like originality, now feels overthought and self-conscious. This articulation of how brave she thinks she is when it comes to song choice feels like a guilt trip to keep her in the competition. This isn’t Project Runway, you don’t get to have a conversation about your work. You get to smile and nod at the judges and then show us the number to call with your fingers as if we were mute kindergartners like everyone else does.

Michael Lynche, Hero by Nickelback. I’m sorry, did you not get the memo on Nickelback Mr. Lynche? Their association with the music industry can only be explained by every industry’s desire for a scapegoat as well as their complacency in being ruthlessly mocked for writing lyrics like “Look at this photograph/Everytime I do it makes me laugh.” Shudder. Simon didn’t have much to say regarding Michael’s singing. All he knew was that the song was from Spiderman and as far as he was concerned that made the selection unforgivable. Michael argued that it’s not just about Spiderman because we’re all heroes…on the inside…or something. Although I’m fine with the judges using their only save on Michael (as long as nothing horrific happens over the next two weeks like the early dismissal of Lee or Crystal), when he performs I usually see it as an opportunity to go to the bathroom or refill my water glass. Like a commercial break. If a commercial break had a neck the width of my bed frame.

Crystal Bowersox, People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield. Clearly the producers of American Idol had their heads screwed back on straight after last week, because Crystal returned to her rightful spot as the show’s closer with an original and emotional performance that brought her to tears. It truly was in a class of its own with Crystal taking ownership of the stage and singing with the ease and confidence of a seasoned professional. She continues to interpret each week’s theme with an effort that will cater to her strengths as a performer. She is like no other contestant we have seen in Idol‘s nine season history because her appeal isn’t about belting high notes or being the object of a 12 year old’s affection. She is the only contestant I can remember who seems genuinely motivated by a passion for music as opposed to a desire for opportunity and fame. I hope she wins it all. I believe when she is finally given the opportunity to do her own thing and can pretend the week of Elvis covers were just a bad dream, she will come out with an album that adequately conveys the depth of her relationship with music. On another note, her mic stand from home that finally arrived in Hollywood and was used during her performance, looked like a bong. I’m just saying, there are kids watching.

As you can probably tell based on when this post finally showed up on Dear Tina, this was written after the results show. Tim Urban was sent home. He didn’t get to perform. That time was spent listening to celebrities subtly promote their movies (Queen Latifah and Common making introductions together a coincidence? No.) while overtly promoting malaria-awareness in Africa during Idol Give Back. Well, good luck to you Tim. You now have quite an impressive resume–I’m sure when you return to college there will be a student director ready to snatch you up for the Student Union production of Hair.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: Hello, is anyone there? I’m in a dark tunnel, and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he’s a friend. Oh never mind, there’s a door. Oh! It’s sunny!

Okay, which one of us is gonna give up first?

Dear Tina,

This was said to me at work today as I was writing this post:

In Disney World there was a sign that said “I Love You Greg.” Wait. Actually, it said “I Love You God.”

So many questions there. Why was that poster in Disney World? When did you learn to read, young friend? The answers are, per usual, irrelevant.

Onto the subject of today’s post. Last night American Idol featured the Top 9: Redux. You may recall last week the judges used their save on Michael Lynche so no one was eliminated, leaving the same nine contestants to compete again this week. In general the performances were as mediocre as they were the week before. There is no indication that anyone competing on this show will eventually try to challenge themselves, therefore I might suggest that the producers start airing reruns. Most of us at home won’t even notice. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule and so we take a deeper look at who that might have been and who it was definitely not. The theme of the night was Elvis Presley (blech) and Adam Lambert scampered in to mentor the impressionable minds of the top eight nine.

Crystal Bowersox, Saved. One thing I learned after last night’s episode is that Crystal should never go first. I know there is a level of fairness we need to be concerned with here and you cannot give a contestant the advantage of the finale performance every single week, but putting Crystal first is like Janis Joplin opening for Demi Lovato. That being said, the thing with Crystal is that she’s always good but good at the same thing. While we at home appreciate consistency, she is running the risk of becoming forgettable as all of her performances over the course of the show are starting to blend into one long acoustic guitar version of a chart hit. The judges like her because of this consistency and commend her for ability to interpret different genres in her own style. But the less specific their critiques become, because after awhile what else is there to say, the more forgettable Crystal becomes as contestants like Lee Dewyze continue to make significant improvements.

Andrew Garcia, Hound Dog. I wish I could just have the memory of Andrew as he was during Hollywood week. I want to like him as much as I did then, yet I can’t help but resent him for his horrendously boring performance last night. Not to mention the half a dozen other performances that fall under that same category. During the mentoring session, Adam Lambert suggested that Andrew put some energy in the performance–the poor guy was practically falling asleep right there on Cirque du Soleil’s stage! A good tip for Andrew but, if it was even possible, when it came time for the performance his rendition of “Hound Dog” was even more boring than it was in rehearsal. I may get in trouble for saying this because I have a friend who is a passionate supporter of Andrew’s but last night he truly stood out as the worst. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but even worse than Tim. We’ve lost hope Andrew and now it’s time to go.

Tim Urban, Can’t Help Falling In Love. Although it may seem that I gave Tim a compliment a moment ago, rest assured he was the second worst performance last night. One could argue that he was better than a handful of contestants but Tim remains the second worst by default for being the only contestant who never should have made it to the top 12 to begin with. The judges, on the other hand, were offering him praise hand over fist. This always happens. As soon as the obnoxious kid who is as karaoke as they come slows things down and puts an acoustic guitar on his lap, the judges act like he re-imagined the Gospel. It was fine and as Randy said last week, “it was good for a Tim performance.” I will only buy the idea that Tim is improving when he has the know-how to cut his hair, which looks like a youthful interpreation of the atrocity atop Rod Blagojevich’s head.

Lee Dewyze, A Little Less Conversation. Lee was one of two singers last night who made me forget how much I dislike Elvis music. If you’ll allow me to make up an adjective, his song choice was one of the most Elvis-y of all the performances last night. Hearing it conjures up not only images of the King himself, but of every single Elvis impersonation I have ever seen on television (and I watched Full House so I’ve seen a lot). Lee turned the Elvis classic into a true rock song, changing the musicality of the piece to elicit less hip shaking, more rhythmic clapping. I feel like I am running the risk of sounding like Kara here, but he found his voice in this song and made the performance about his talent instead of Elvis’s.

Aaron Kelly, Blue Sued Shoes. Do I even have to go here? His jacket was five times too large and it made him look five times too small. Which left him somewhere in the range of teeny-tiny and itty bitty. The song was a lackluster choice for Aaron to begin with and continued downhill from the moment he started walking down those stairs. I liked watching the footage of the mentoring session when Aaron almost accidentally added a cub-like growl to one of the lyrics. Adam, who loves a nice growl, kept pushing him to do it more but as soon as Aaron was put to task, he failed to recreate that natural prowess he had stumbled upon and eventually folded under the pressure. To be fair, Aaron admitted that he didn’t know why he chose this song as he can’t relate to it all. Thank you for your candor, but sometimes honesty is not the best policy and cluing us into your obliviousness will not bode well for you in the future.

Siobhan Magnus, Suspicious Minds. Siobhan came back this week and brought along her friend, the scream. Yes, Siobhan has gone back to garnering votes via her upper register and while most of the judges welcomed the return, Simon was afraid to say that it wasn’t as good as it had been in weeks past. He advised her, in his delightfully British way, that she may need to look at other options to serve as her golden goose because those screeching high notes are not producing the results she needs to stay in the competition. He complained that her song choice did not reflect who she is as an artist and suggested she spend time defining that a bit more. Siobhan, looking like she was ready to create a Simon-inspired voodoo doll, argued that she has never viewed herself as just one kind of artist–she’s a lot of things and will continue to perform accordingly. Ok Siobhan, then when your album is shipped to music stores across the country, we’ll just tell the stockers to put your album in the “Not Just One Kind of Singer” category.

Michael Lynche, In The Ghetto. Well Michael definitely had a lot to prove last night. After being eliminated last week and subsequently saved, it was his responsibility to make sure he didn’t prompt a unanimous response of “what were we thinking?” Give yourself a pat on the back Michael, because not only did you prove yourself good enough to be worth saving, but you delivered the best performance of the night. I don’t like to use the word soulful because I think American Idol uses it ad nauseum when it comes to their black contestants and Taylor Hicks, but in this instance Michael embodied the very essence of soul music. It was emotional, melodic, and it seemed to be personal for the singer himself. I would have been fine to see Michael go last week. Tonight I genuinely hope Michael is safe; the results should reflect the talent and Michael’s is exceptional.

Katie Stevens, Baby What You Want Me to Do. Not nearly as significant as the progress she made last week with “Let it Be,” Katie’s performance last night was…fine. There was a lot going on that’s for sure. Katie was all over the stage, at one point jamming–as much as a teenager thinks she can jam–with a horn section. This paved the way for a classic Ellen pun, “It was a very horny song.” Uh, yes, but we’re running short on time so if you could get to the critique of her musical abilities, that would be great. Simon said something critical and insightful. It was hard to understand what exactly it was because Kara kept talking over him as if she hadn’t had enough time to express her opinion a moment ago, and eventually Simon gave in and said “They [the other judges] liked it so it doesn’t really matter what I think.” Part of me hopes that Katie does go home just to emphasize my point that it only matters what Simon thinks but she won’t and she doesn’t really deserve to either.

Casey James, Lawdy, Miss Clawdy. The ponytail was back and I was in heaven. Seriously, the man wears a ponytail better than most women I know. I lost a bit of focus towards the end because Glee was coming up and I was becoming flushed over the anticipation. My memory tells me that it wasn’t his best. He certainly didn’t stand out among the night’s best performances. In fact, as someone who I admire for knowing the genre of music that best fits his voice and style, Casey’s Blues interpretation of this track was bordering on dull. Don’t worry though. As long as Casey’s eyes sparkle at some point while he is on stage (and they always do) then he’ll be safe until we get down to the top four or five and the competition gets really stiff. Kara is right to tell Casey she needs to see him push himself more. Even if this doesn’t feel like a competition, thanks in large part to people like Tim Urban, it most definitely is and it appears Casey has yet to explore anything outside his comfort zone. A hint for Casey, Kara would put a check on that to-do list if you just went into falsetto at the end of a song. That’s all she ever needs.

So as I said, tonight we lose two contestants. That will make for some good TV. Hmm, maybe not. It’s hard to consider something good TV when it takes up an entire hour of primetime to make an announcement that only takes about three minutes. And that’s being generous.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: I’m meeting a book agent about writing a “Deal Breaker” book.  He’s going to take me to lunch where ever I want to go. Do you know if there’s a sit down Quizno’s in Midtown?

And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again! Because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman! I’m sorry. I’m just so tired.

Dear Tina,

We have much to discuss. Let’s not waste a minute.

First, tonight while playing Dinosaur Bingo:

The 6 year old girl: I wish I was a dinosaur so I could kill you!
The 5 year old boy: If you were a dinosaur you would die.

There is nothing more delightful than when children are unknowingly as witty as adults.

Second, this week on Dear Tina will not feature a full recap of American Idol. The reason is twofold. One, as I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I was cooking during a majority of the two hour performance episode and therefore was unable to record my every criticism as I have in weeks past. Two, I just got back from my friend’s apartment, it is after midnight, and there is no room in my schedule to spit out the usual novella-length whine fest surrounding Tim Urban’s hair and Aaron Kelly’s childlike annoyingness.

Which brings me to my very important point number three. As I was driving my friend home tonight he asked if I had written my Dear Tina post for the day yet. I told him no and then commented to myself that I have a tendency to include in many a post how late it is or how tired I am. His response, a very casual “Yes, you do.” So I am putting an end to that. If it is 4 in the morning or 4 in the afternoon you will never know because you don’t need to know and I didn’t start this blog to get a sympathy card from Tina Fey sending her condolences for my lack of sleep. Unless, Tina, you have intended to fold an employment contract into said card, I am not after your sympathy. I am after whatever emotion or sentiment is attached to the thought “Hey! This girl could really shine over on team 30 Rock!” She would Tina. Like a bright star she would shine. And she might even throw in free babysitting on the weekend.

Next, if I’m not going to address the performance episode of American Idol, I should at least acknowledge the results show because boy was it a doozy. For the first time in three weeks a woman was not sent home, so that was promising. Although after Siobhan showed up in leftover wardrobe options from the set of The Wedding Singer, I can’t argue that I would have missed her had she been voted off. No, the big news tonight was that Michael Lynche and Andrew Garcia were in the bottom two. Unfortunately in just a week’s time I fell back off the Andrew Garcia bandwagon and I am now resolved to remain off with the acknowledgement that in the future there may be a performance or two I will enjoy. But, no, I can no longer consider myself a cheerleader of Andrew’s success. However, of the nine we have left, these two were not the ones we should consider letting go. I shake my fist at you America. You know who I blame? Simon. You look at Tim Urban and you think “lost cause.” He can’t sing worth a nickel, he’s annoying and he responded to the question “Why do you smile so much?” with the answer “Because I like to make other people smile.” Um, this is American Idol not a callback for 7th Heaven. But Simon had to go ahead last night and encourage him and deem his performance a marked improvement from weeks past. Even if this were true, which is largely debatable, you can’t confuse middle America like that. You are now validating the votes he has received thus far which will only encourage more voting in his favor. We all know that no matter what comes out of his mouth, he’s the worst one and frankly he should be reminded of that until America gets a clue and puts an end to the madness. Sure enough, Tim was as safe as Macaulay Culkin hiding in the nativity scene in Home Alone.

Aaron Kelly, once again dressed like a kid performing in a music video for Kidz Bop, rounded out the bottom three but was quickly sent safely back to the couch. So as I mentioned we had Big Mike and Andrew Garcia in the bottom two and to everyone’s surprise I’m sure, Big Mike was given the official ax. But wait! Spoiler Alert! The judges used their one save a season on Michael Lynche so next week we will once again have nine contestants but TWO people will be going home. So good news for Michael but in reality the whole concept of a save is ridiculous. We have learned from last night’s results that America does not love Michael the way we thought we did, and certainly not as much as Michael thought we did so he’s not going to win. He can leave now, when America asked him to, or in two or three weeks. Or, next week. Either way, when it comes down to the finale, the judges’ save will have made no difference. Also, American Idol sights their reason for wanting to add the judges’ save to avoid upsets like when Jennifer Hudson or Chris Daughtry went home earlier than expected. But in these two most famous instances, Jennifer Hudson was not a fan favorite so no one should have been that surprised she went home (I believe the surprise came later when she won an Oscar) and Chris Daughtry was eliminated when there were only four contestants left so the judges’ save could not have been applied to him anyway as it must be used before the top 5 performers are decided. Really the entire concept was not a well thought out plan; a clear sign that the producers latched on to the idea thinking it could potentially rejuvenate the format of the long running show. Well good for Big Mike. Now we get to see him perform again and then get eliminated again. It’s like Groundhog’s Day. If Bill Murray was a big, burly black man.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: What are you doing?
Tracy: Payback. For the way your treated me. You used me!
Jack: God, It’s like dating Katie Couric all over again. I didn’t use you, I created a situation that could have been mutually beneficial and you blew it.

Believe me there is no solace in their luxury, only deep despair. How do you know all these Indigo Girls songs?

Dear Tina,

If I were to make a list of everything I aspire to be as I continue to grow up, spending a good portion of my adult life in gossipy feuds with other women doesn’t even break the top 100. Well, it wouldn’t break into that list if the list were infinite, so my first point is moot. What I can tell you is that as I continue to strive to be a mature adult who doesn’t butt into other adults’ lives and announce my opinion as if anyone were asking for a third party perspective, that does not mean I cannot enjoy watching other women do it on a weekly basis. It probably means that I shouldn’t enjoy it, but  I do and so does Andy Cohen so I’m in good company. I am of course referring to The Real Housewives of New York City airing Thursday nights on Bravo. Before we get into the specifics of this cast, let’s just acknowledge the absurd genius of this series. Women inherently love to gossip. Gossip for women is like a progress report they need to check in with in order to make sure that no matter how bad they’ve managed to screw something up in their lives, someone out there is doing a worse job. And thank God, right? Who cares about compassion when you’re seeking validation? No one is proud of this child-like response to the internal, always persistent competition women have with each other. Most of us like to keep our cattiness closeted. So in the same way we are secretly comforted by someone else’s shortcomings, we can also find solace watching other women who are openly trivial and spiteful because then we get to say to ourselves “See? I’m not like that.” Enter, the real housewives. They may be from different cities but they’re all the same breed.

Bravo’s Real Housewives series encourages the women they profile to sweat the small stuff, to hold on to past altercations as if any of these hissy fits actually impacted the course of their life. We watch these women thrive on opportunities to wag their fingers and roll their eyes and rehash their side of the story to anyone blind sided enough to listen. And then Ramona Singer says something like “you’re making a mountain out of a hole mill!” So it’s funny too! If I haven’t made my point clear enough yet, let’s look at each woman featured on the show and see if I can’t be more specific.

Alex McCord. Alex often seems to be the most level headed one in the group except the fact that she is even on this show immediately contradicts this point. Appearing partially level headed on a reality show is like being the sanest person at the asylum. Alex loves to belabor her authenticity with reminders that she and her family live in Brooklyn. Did you say Brooklyn or Harlem? Because, rumor has it, Brooklyn can foster as many “holier than thou” attitudes as Manhattan. Working examples include Alex McCord. I still like Alex. I like that she has acknowledged the need to do something about that mane of hers. In season one, Alex’s hair looked like the aftermath of an eight year old who managed to simultaneously get a brush and gum stuck in her hair. Though her hair is now shiny and fabulous (I mean, nothing special, but a fabulous improvement), this season has already been an emotional one for Alex. She had a tearful confrontation with Jill who supposedly was caught on camera insulting Alex’s son Francois. Surprisingly, it wasn’t because the kid’s name is Francois. Jill slithered her way out of taking blame for that one but Alex held steadily on to her resentment and even went so far as to not invite Jill out to lunch with her and the other housewives. The reasoning Alex gave the camera was that she wanted to avoid anymore drama. Because leaving someone out of a social gathering is about as drama-free a solution as giving someone the silent treatment. Of course you can’t have a conversation about Alex without mentioning her husband Simon. Simon is best known for wearing red leather pants to charity events and a print whenever possible, which in Simon’s case, is always. He’s like the older, Brooklyn version of Chuck Bass, which should imply that he’s a touch more flamboyant. But Alex and Simon probably have the best sex life of anyone on the show so who’s to judge? Well, me. That’s why I have a blog.

Ramona Singer. Ramona is the type of woman that if you knew her and saw her from a distance heading toward you on the street, you would duck into the nearest store front for fear that, upon seeing you, she’d take up 30 minutes of your lunch hour talking about the bitchy thing she said that someone misinterpreted and now everyone’s mad at her. Then she’d badger you into taking her side and you would somehow leave with a necklace from her jewelry line that she guilted you into buying as if she were a street vendor trying to sell you a fake Gucci duffle. The woman is outside her mind and the amount of pinot grigio she pours into her system every day certainly does not offer any stability. Ramona’s signature look doesn’t involve a style or a certain silhouette, just those crazy eyes of hers that make you wonder, for someone who appears to be taking in so much visually, how does she avoid processing any of the basic social cues or manners she observes in others? The chach behind the woman would be her husband Mario. If there was ever an argument that men are not as petty as women, I would use Mario as my one and only rebuttal. Mario seems to thrive on the drama of this group of women almost more than the women do. He referred to Countess LuAnn as “countless” at a public event while LuAnn was going through a divorce. After being confronted and admitting to the harsh words, he found no reason to apologize. The same way a troubled thirteen year old girl would refuse to apologize for writing a nasty rumor about on of her classmate’s on the bathroom stall. Mario is that troubled thirteen year old girl. And Ramona talks too fast to notice. Or care.

Kelly Killoren Bensimon. Kelly didn’t enlist her services until the second season of the show and, gosh, it’s hard to imagine a time without her. Kelly was arguably the most famous coming into the series thanks to her ex-husband, Gilles Bensimon, a world-renowned fashion photographer. Most people probably know him as the photographer Tyra Banks name drops during the run-down of prizes awarded to the America’s Next Top Model winner. So if Tyra says he’s famous…Kelly must be…sort of famous. You can usually find Kelly spending time pushing the front strands of her hair out of her face. Someone get that girl a bobby pin. She has been the source of conflict during her time on the show caused by her many aggressive opinions coming out of an inarticulate, illogical mouth. Last season while Jill was organizing a fundraiser for juvenile arthritis (which her daughter suffers from) Kelly stated she did not want her name on the invitation because she doesn’t have time to work on her own charities, she’s a very private person, and she doesn’t lend her name to anything, ever. Take whichever excuse you like. Any way you slice it, Kelly’s confidence regarding her célébrité seems to be solely validated in her head. This season we see a whole new side of Kelly–wait for the joke to land–when she agrees to do a spread for Playboy magazine. The day of the shoot Kelly explains to the make-up artist that her diet to get ready for the shoot has consisted of chicken wings and beer. Because there is no better way to get women to like you than by telling them your fit figure is a result of scarfing down junk food all day long. Really, we love that. Kelly has two young daughters who she argues will be pleased that their mom has decided to do Playboy. Sure, Kelly, until seventh grade comes and some jerk kid comes to school with a copy of your issue and your children resolve to resent you until they’re 18 and need you to buy them a laptop for college.

LuAnn de Lesseps. Pardon me, Countess LuAnn de Lesseps. Who would be surprised to learn that on her birth certificate her name is spelled Louanne and she changed it to the version with a mixture of upper and lower case letters just to make it extra difficult for people providing her assistance? I would not. When we first met LuAnn three years ago she was married to a Count and was determined to convince Americans that this made her better than them. Well LuAnn this is America and unless you are married to the Count, from Sesame Street, you will be hard-pressed to find someone impressed by your title. Remember when ABC hired a “prince” to be The Bachelor? It’s kind of like that. Things didn’t pan out so well for the Countess when her husband left her for a much younger, much more Ethiopian, “princess.” There have been a lot of rumors swirling this season that LuAnn has always been a bit of a, oh how would a Countess put it, huss. Ramona clamors on and on in a phone conversation with Jill about how she has no sympathy for the newly divorced LuAnn since she has “never been alone in her life” even when the Count was away on business. Ooo yes, what other humiliating rumors about this mother of two can we discuss on speaker phone while the Bravo cameras are here? Unfortunately, LuAnn doesn’t garner a lot of sympathy due to her frequent and oh-so-patronizing lessons in etiquette. My personal favorite was when she explained in a confessional that when discussing another woman’s breast enhancement surgery you do so behind the woman’s back or if she happens to be in the room, you whisper softly, but you never talk to her about it directly. Yes, that would be just plain rude. On a more positive note, LuAnn has managed to raise a sophisticated and grounded daughter, Victoria, but if you’ve been watching from season one you know that former housekeeper Rosie can take the credit for that.

Bethenny Frankel. If only Bethenny could find a way not fill her days complaining about tedious New York social gossip, she would be on par to be the only housewife I could conceive of befriending because she is hilarious. In this past week’s episode she made references to both Angela Lansbury and Inspector Clouseau when explaining that it didn’t take a lot of detective work to figure out Jill had planted a story about her in the New York Post. Of course this would indicate that Bethenny felt the need to discuss this situation more than once. When Bethenny was with some of the other women at Alex’s get together (not Jill, remember she wasn’t invited), she apologized to them for the article, explaining she had nothing to do with it but still felt bad that they were getting dragged into her ongoing feud with Jill. This was Bethenny’s not-so-subtle attempt at paving the way for her to do everything short of standing atop a soap box with a megaphone à la Harvey Milk to convince these women that she is the victim of a vicious, vindictive Jill Zarin. Jill Zarin can’t even make direct eye contact with you, how harmful can she be? For the first two seasons Bethenny was the single gal, struggling to have it all in New York City. If you would like to see a more well written version of this character, I encourage you to rent Sex and the City on DVD. Now Bethenny has finally met Mr. Wonderful, Jason, who has disappointed women everywhere as he appears to be seriously and severely wonderful. Reality TV is supposed to make me feel better about myself; if I wanted to constantly feel pangs of jealousy I’d watch a show about the women who get to go on dates with Jeremy Renner. Coming this Fall to Bravo. Bethenny is also raking in the dough with her books and products all based on the premise “if you eat less, you’ll weigh less!” Well then can I write a book based on the idea “if you fold your laundry, you’re dresser will be tidier!” Because it’s true and I live by that motto. Isn’t that all Bethenny has done here?

Jill Zarin. If you’re going to be a wealthy housewife in New York City who pretends to spend most of her time doing charity work but really spends it making fun of women less fortunate than she in oversized sunglasses, then you need a name like Jill Zarin. Equally important, a husband named Bobby. You have to respect a man who makes millions and can still garner respect with a name reserved for ten year old boys with a fondness for stickball. Jill has done little to quell the stereotype of a wealthy Jewish woman living in New York but it’s hard to be critical when this stereotype describes a woman who is outgoing, a natural gabber, and instinctively maternal. Jill’s main issue is her pride. She can never be wrong. I suspect that she will go to the grave truly believing that when it comes to her relationship with former best friend Bethenny, she did nothing wrong and it was Bethenny’s fault things ended so badly. As she said in a recent episode, “She made me cry. You know she made me cry. And I can’t be friends with someone like that. I can’t be friends with someone who makes me cry.” I have a feeling Jill thinks it’s mandatory to expend her entire breath when speaking. You won’t find Jill summing up a situation with less than 15 words. She’s not the “Life: it goes on” type. But if every female friendship ended over initial hurt feelings, women wouldn’t have any friends. If we cannot learn to let things go and move on from the past, we are bound to be friendless, with our husbands serving as our only companions. And it’s mandatory that they’re around so it’s a bit of a cop out, no?

So yes there is a lot to learn in the world of women willing to put their private lives on television. Mainly, if you’re an adult and you suspect that your girlfriends spend most of their time talking behind your back, that means that they definitely are. And if there were ever a situation when one should not follow the “if you can’t beat em, join em” mentality, this would be it.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: I’m back.
Jack: What’d they turn out to be? Lesbians?
Liz: No, fight club.

What’s going on out here? Nothing, Gladys Knight. Sorry. Sorry everyone.

Dear Tina,

Well if you didn’t get enough of Usher in 2004 when you couldn’t go longer than three minutes without hearing “Yeah,” then I hope you tuned into American Idol last night for an evening of R&B with Usher as the guest mentor. This genre could have gone one of two ways, disastrously or fabulously. Turns out, it went both ways. R&B is a great vocal styling for many singers, it just so happens that on season 9 of American Idol we have both fabulous and disastrous contestants. Now that we’re in week three of the big stage, I’ve come to the conclusion that some of these singers couldn’t sell a song if it was written for them. Cough. Tim Urban. Overall it was a great improvement from last week (let’s just blame Miley for that one) and I’m finally starting to enjoy and re-enjoy people on this show other than Crystal and Simon. Here we go.

Siobhan Magnus, Thru the Fire by Chaka Khan. Siobhan described herself as “wicked nervous” when it came time to meet Usher. At least he was wearing sunglasses the entire time to avoid anyone mistaking his mentoring for normal human interaction. Her nerves never quite subsided as her take on this R&B hit was a wailing mess. I know this marks my second My Best Friend’s Wedding reference in a week, but it reminded me of the scene in that movie when Cameron Diaz karaoke’s to “I Just Don’t Know What to Do to Myself.” The judges didn’t take too kindly to the performance either and Siobhan was mere moments away from a fit. Kara at one point in her judging referred to a section as “the screaming part.” Ok, if in a singing competition anything can be deemed “the screaming part,” we’re in trouble. And by we I mean Siobhan. I don’t have much riding on this. The highlight came when Simon called her, I believe more than once, Sh-bawn. He went on to say that he is beginning to find the screamed high note at the end boring. Sh-bawn needs to find a way to make her entire performance musically interesting otherwise we lose the element of surprise, soon to be followed by the element of enjoyment.

Casey James, Hold On, I’m Coming by Sam & Dave. Did you see that ponytail? Do you see what I mean? Casey is one that has officially been added to my list of contestants I look forward to seeing. It took me awhile to forgive him for singing “Heaven” by Bryan Adams during the top 24, which I only want to know as a techno hit. The judges also enjoyed his take on R&B, Simon going so far as to call it his best performance yet. And once again, looking at Casey’s expression, we learn that Simon’s opinion is really the only one any of the contestants care about. Also, have you noticed that every time Kara says “playing your guitar” to anyone she can’t help but pantomime the action simultaneously? Why do you do that Kara?

OH! When Ryan reappeared, right before he gave out Casey’s numbers, we had this delightful bit of dialogue:

Ryan: (To Casey) When Kara said she wanted to see more of you, she meant musically.
Kara: Are you kidding Ryan?!
Ryan: YES I’M KIDDING! LET’S HAVE SOME FUN!

Point, Seacrest.

Michael Lynche, Ready For Love by India.Arie. When the theme of the week is a music genre, there is almost always one contestant who is already a part of that genre and should therefore have the best performance. Imagine if Carrie Underwood stunk up the joint during Country week. Things may not have turned out so well. So for R&B week the pressure was on for Michael Lynche. He decided to take the edge off by performing his song with his back to the judges. This upset me as it implies that the judges are a nonentity when in fact they should be the only people Michael cares to impress. Would Miss America contestants dare twirl their batons in a way that gave the judges an obstructed view? No, they would not. With that aside, Michael definitely has a great voice and an interesting vibe to him so if he does win it’s nice to know it’s not just because America thinks he looks cuddly. Cough. Ruben Studdard. Simon said he was ready to take him seriously as an artist. Does that mean prior to this Simon thought Michael was kidding around up there? Hard to say.

Didi Benami, What Becomes of the Broken Hearted by Jimmy Ruffin. As soon as Ryan alluded to Didi having an emotional day with Usher before the break, I knew we were heading into gloomy territory with a reprise of the story we heard when Didi first auditioned–the loss of her best friend four years ago. During the footage of the mentoring session it was a tender moment to watch Didi struggle with the emotion of the song. What was not so tender was watching Ryan after her performance try to beat the emotion out of her. She made it pretty clear right away that she didn’t want to discuss the details of who she was thinking about but Ryan wouldn’t accept that. “Tell everyone why you’re so emotional singing that song?…Why were you in tears with Usher?…I think its important that people know why…She sang that song for someone, we can leave at that.” YES PLEASE DO LEAVE IT AT THAT RYAN SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I know tears are good for ratings but American Idol was walking a thin line between good and bad taste with that one. In terms of the singing, the judges seemed to feel it was way over the top and dramatic. Didi is another contestant who is having an identity crisis on this show. I don’t understand why these people are so fearful of continuing on the path where the judges respond positively. If “mixing it up” is getting you into trouble, stop doing it. Also, during his critique Simon passively made fun of Dancing With The Stars. Point, Simon.

Tim Urban, Sweet Love, Anita Baker. I’m starting to feel like a schoolyard bully with this kid. What more can I say? He’s still a terrible singer and he still hasn’t gotten a haircut. Until that changes, I’m only going to making myself redundant. I should mention that Simon hit Tim with one of the harshest pieces of criticism I think you can receive and that is to say he’s given up on him:

I’ll tell you why he’s laughing because I don’t think it makes any difference what we say. Completely inappropriate song, it’s like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant, you’re not going to win. But doesnt matter because you’re going to smile, the audience is going to vote for you, nobody cares, and you’ll be here next week so well done.

When the time comes that Simon doesn’t even care to try and help you improve, really, you should just take yourself out of the competition. Unfortunately, I fear Simon may be right and we will have to endure this mop head another week.

Andrew Garcia, Forever by Chris Brown. I could cry. I felt like Andrew was John Cusack standing outside my window with a boombox over his head playing my favorite song in order to win back my heart. And just like in Say Anything, it worked. It was perfect. The arrangement with his acoustic guitar and the strings–oh the strings–it was beautiful. Andrew needed that performance not just to win back America’s votes but to remind himself where his talent lies. And it’s not bouncing around, playing with a mic stand and we’re all ok with that. All of the judges were equally revived but then of course Simon had to throw in there that he thinks Andrew is boring and he doesn’t know anything about him. Um, he’s from Compton. That’s about as unboring as it gets.

Katie Stevens, Chain of Fools by Aretha Franklin. Blah blah blah she’s back to being dated. Blah blah blah it wasn’t that great. Blah blah blah the judges told her she should have picked a more contemporary song. Like Tim Urban, I can’t keep repeating myself; there’s going to be an uprising against Dear Tina if I do and then I’ll have to go back to just being Cath the babysitter. And she’s so dowdy. I would like to point out that it was during Katie’s judging that Kara pulled another “I TOTALLY DISAGREE” in response to something Simon said. Ugh, you’re wasting your breath, your opinion barely counts in the first place. As the two got into a minor spat, Ryan asked Katie who she’s going to listen to and her response was “Myself.” Um, good idea Katie. Why don’t you go hash that one out with Tim?

Lee Dewyze, Treat Her Like a Lady by the Cornelius Brothers. Well I was initially disappointed to discover that Lee would not be taking on Celine Dion’s “Treat Her Like a Lady” but then he manned up in that leather jacket of his and rivaled Andrew Garcia for best performance of the night (“Forever” is like a trump card for me, so Andrew technically won). After the performance, Lee was blindsided with, easily, the two best things you could ever hear from Simon Cowell. The first, “I’ve always believed in you.” What? Maybe I’ve just put Simon on an inappropriately high pedestal, but if he said that to me I’d hope to follow that moment with a brain injury so I relived it over and over again the rest of my life. I was an Acting major, you can’t be surprised when I get overdramatic. The second, “This was the night your life may have changed forever.” Personally, I would have experienced some combination of throwing up and convulsing at that moment but again, I play towards the dramatic side. I just rewatched the performance and it wasn’t necessarily out of this world amazing, but unlike the child who proceeded him, Lee performed with the ease and confidence of a seasoned professional. And if you can’t do that by this stage of the game, you’re not going to be able to pull it off in the real world when your career depends on it.

Crystal Bowersox, Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight. Thank God Crystal performed this song because I was initially struggling to find a title for this post. Crystal promised a big surprise for us last week and it turns out the surprise was…playing a piano. Eh, a bit of a let down. As soon as she stood up from the piano mid-performance, I was immediately worried for her. I’ve seen her bop along during the Wednesday night group numbers and let’s just say it’s not her strong suit. I thought it was a pretty regular performance but the judges still seemed encouraged. All I know is that I saw a shot of Jane Lynch in the audience and that made up for a lot of things. I liked when Simon reminded Crystal not to let this process change her because what she had been doing up until that point was working. Translation: get that guitar back in your hands and lose the high heels. Amen.

Aaron Kelly, Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers. First of all, why is Aaron the finale? I hated this. Second of all, why was he dressed like he was going to a photo shoot for the Lands’ End Kids catalog? Simon compared him to a cupcake. I compared him to a cast member from Barney. Sing well all you like Aaron, its not going to change the fact that you’re about as interesting as chicken broth.

Finally, enjoy. Go to 1:20 if you’d like to get straight to the performance.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: I’ll grow a beard, people from my old life will pass through town. They won’t even recognize me. They’ll just say, ‘Thanks, Pap!’ And then they’ll buy some of my cider.

What did you say you loved about me? Did you talk about my body? Did you say how you liked to watch me dance?

Dear Tina,

Last night Dancing With The Stars had its second performance episode since it premiered and yet no one has left the competition. Let’s get things rolling over there people, we’re only giving you until May (I hope).

Now last week I noted my apprehension with writing about this show because a large part of me doesn’t really care for it. I’m more of a So You Think You Can Dance kind of girl. I want choreographer Mia Michaels to be my life coach. But that is a different show for a different day. The fact of the matter is, like American Idol, Dancing With The Stars has become a television and cultural phenomenon. Not quite on the same scale as Idol but its popularity has grown enormously since it first premiered in 2005 and it has been produced and cast in a way that has turned it into a must-see if you’re going to stop by the water cooler Tuesday morning. Does anyone even still have water coolers besides dentists? What do I know, everyone at my office still believes in Santa Claus.

So I tuned in last night, not necessarily to see how Chad Ochocinco’s rhythm had improved in one week’s time, but to be able to take part in the conversation. My first question is—seriously—what is the DWTS spray tanning budget. These contestants and professionals look like they went through Dr. Seuss’s Sneetches machine but instead of getting stars on their bellies they received a horrifying glow that I believe Crayola would describe as burnt orange. Is it mandatory? That’s what I can’t figure out. I’d write it off as part of the schmaltz factor but that doesn’t even make sense and I can’t accept it, not even passively. With that aside, I delve into the night’s most memorable performances.

Ok if you didn’t realize it while watching The Bachelor, you certainly can’t escape it now. Jake Pavelka is a huge dork. If he were in college and in a fraternity it would be the lame one. And they would make him be their social chair so that when he organized events with sororities, his chiseled jaw would distract the women from his nervous giggling and awkward comments. Then he would mention he’s an aviation major, take off his shirt, and confuse the women into dedicating their entire social calendar to a fraternity known for having a surplus of 2 liter bottles of pop and a deficit of alcohol at their parties. Jake performed the Jive with partner Chelsie, a former contestant on So You Think You Can Dance so, love her, but oh my plaid suit. Watching him shuffle across that stage was like watching a 17 year old playing Danny Zuko in a high school production of Grease. I want to say that his energy and smile is infectious but he’s engaged to Vienna so I imagine he’s infectious in other ways. OH no she DI-INT! I believe it was Len who said that he hopes Jake stays around because he has such a great attitude, or something, and I’ll agree with that. I mean I’d definitely rather watch him than Aiden Turner (who?) but he needs to let go of his general demeaner that implies “aww shucks” is a part of his daily vocabulary.

We also have Nicole Sherzinger, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls (blech). I mean she’s a great singer but “I’m tellin you loosin up my buttons baby?” I don’t think so. Now, Nicole would like you to believe that she is as disadvantaged as the other celebrities competing because her dance background mainly involves body rolls and humping chairs. But the reality is, she has extensive experience in learning dance routines and has a natural rhythmic ability. Sure enough, her performance was the most skilled of the night, earning her the first two 10s of the season. Nicole is by far the best dancer in the competition but what fun is it to watch someone who’s good from the beginning when the basic promise/premise of this show is that these celebrities are doing something outside the realm of their skill set? No fun.

Erin Andrews and her partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy win the award for most likely to knock boots by the end of the season.

I’d also like to readdress an issue I brought up last week. This time I’ve brought along a couple of visual aids. Sincerely, this show is about fun and personality and having a sense of humor. So, would you rather watch this:

Or this:

I think I’ve made my point. Team Johnny.

Chad Ochocinco, who should put his face on a skin care line if he knows what’s good for him, looked like he was going to tackle the judges while receiving the negative feedback from his subpar performance. Clearly this man has not been told “no” many times in his life. His last name is now Ochocinco after all. But you would think he wouldn’t take it so personally, being told he’s not a great dancer. He looked as if he wanted to say “You show me anything on that paddle less than an 8 and I will shove it…” (insert something explicit that I don’t want to write for fear that someone will flag this blog as inappropriate and WordPress will shut down my dreams). Oh Chad. Loosen up your buttons, baby.

For the grand finale we had Kate Gosselin reminding us why Jon divorced her. OH no she DI-INT! AGAIN! Yes, Kate proved herself to be the same bossy and shrill partner to Tony Dovolani that she was to Jon. Luckily for all of us at home who have a hard time stomaching these antics, Kate has finally met a man willing to stand up to her. Kate informed Tony that he wasn’t teaching her correctly to which he replied “This is what I do for a living. I teach world champions. I teach teachers.” So maybe, Kate, the problem isn’t Tony, but your inability to retain any information that doesn’t involve the care instructions for your hair extensions. At one point Tony quits which producers captured beautifully with footage of Tony saying… “I quit.” They played this clip about 18 times throughout the episode so when it aired within the context of the rest of the rehearsal, it felt a bit anticlimactic. When Tony eventually comes back, he admits he shouldn’t have let her get the best of him and she thanks him, saying “A lot of people quit on me in life.” Groan. Did you have to squeeze that in there? Thank God they patched things up because their subsequent performance of the Jive just tickled me. Tickled me when I wasn’t covering my eyes due to secondhand embarrassment that is. If you missed it, please somehow track it down (abc.com) and watch the part where Tony spins her around and she slides under his legs. That look on her face, you would have thought she was being thrown into a pit of vipers. Also, when it came time for the feedback, she rolled her eyes at the judges. Kate this isn’t TLC and they are not your husband. There is no place for that here.

Question. Does ABC gift the contestants with dancing clothes because Kate and Erin Andrews were definitely wearing the same purple shrug during rehearsal. That can’t be a coincidence.

It’s now 10:35 on Tuesday night so we know that Shannen Doherty was eliminated. Good thing I didn’t waste any time talking about her. But I would have liked to see her go all Shannen Doherty circa 1994 on someone before she left. Oh well. Maybe Buzz Aldrin can fill that void.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Kenneth: These gentlemen are the writers for Bro’s Beat who’s offices we will be sharing. They are all named Sean. They are mean. And I hate it here.

Big night, Lemon? Let me guess. Meatball sub, extra bread? Bottle of NyQuil? Tivoed Top Chef?

Dear Tina,

So as of yesterday at 4:30 pm I am officially on vacation until a week from Monday. Or as people who enjoy puns would say, “staycation,” as I am not actually going anywhere. But boy do I have plans for myself. Considering that my job causes me to lead the life of a frazzled stay-at-home mom, I plan on spending the week leading the life of a stay-at-home featured on any television show or movie set in California. I’m going to go shopping, get my nails done, maybe even treat myself to a massage, who knows! The week is my oyster and I swear if I spend one minute of it with anyone younger than 22 I might throw a fit. Just like how Alexis from The Real Housewives of Orange County feels.

Of course, how did I kick start this week of wonder last night? Well I made myself a grilled chicken sandwich around 6:30, watched last week’s episodes of Modern Family and The Real Housewives of New York City and  after eventually returning to my room, fell asleep sometime around 10:30. I remember thinking to myself that if I’m going to stay home I should at least tidy up my room, throw in a load of laundry, and maybe finish that Dear Tina post I was working on. But my problem was that I was thinking all of this while lying down on my bed and, for me at least, lying down on a bed usually leads to sleeping. I awoke sometime close to midnight with a chemical burn sensation in my eyes caused by napping with my contacts in and was asleep for the night shortly after that. To accurately describe my Friday night, I just looked up antonyms for “epic” and my computer suggested insignificant, small. Yeah that sounds about right.

To make up for that simple tragedy, I’m heading into the city in a couple of hours to meet up with some long lost theatre majors from college with plans to cause an array of trouble from there.

In brief TV news, I also happened to catch 20 minutes or so of Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution last night. What’s that you say? Eat less chicken nuggets? I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you over your lisp and adorable rugby shirt. Two points awarded for the British accent and two points deducted for doing little more with that show than stating the obvious. So, wash. Kids are fat. It’s a problem. And it’s because they eat pizza. I just don’t like it when words like “revolution” are attached to reality television shows because, not to be cynical, but I have a feeling that Jamie’s efforts will stop when ABC is no longer handing him a pay check.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Pete: Liz! It’s a massacre.
Liz: What is going on?
Pete: Brad came in this morning and started making cuts. I can’t go back to teaching high school math! Those girls pretend they’re not women yet, but they are!

I’m not afraid of you. You’re just a big bully, like Simon Cowell. That’s right! I just called you a communist.

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol they mixed things up by opening the show with what appeared to be a Ryan Seacrest floating head on the screen. It looked like something out of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I guess they were just filming his face at a zoom of about 1000 as it eventually went back to regular size Seacrest. Regular size Seacrest also known as miniature size adult. Either way it terrified me so let’s shut that down for the future. Before we get to the contestants I have two items I must address. The first, I am calling for a moratorium on the following phrase and word from the judges.

1. “I saw you were singing that song and I was like ‘what?! That’s weird!'” Ok I don’t know if the judges are bragging that they get to see the song list before we do or if they’re just easily surprised but I don’t need to hear how you felt before the performance. This show is already two hours long–don’t make it lengthier by letting us in on your pre-show fretting.
2. “Swagger.” Telling a contestant that they have swagger or used to have swagger or should have swagger is quickly becoming as helpful as telling a contestant that they were “pitchy” or that it was “all over the place.” Either say something constructive or turn it over to Simon.

The second item is Kara DioGuardi getting a little too comfortable in that judge’s chair. She’s beginning to act like her opinion is as valuable as Simon’s. Like when Simon offers a critique that goes against what Kara just said and Kara pipes in “I totally disagree.” Yes, my dear, we know. We just listened to you speak and we are capable of interpreting contrasting opinions. Also, the incessant flirting with Simon has got to go. Simon gives her an inch and she takes a mile. Watching her flirt with him is like watching the head cheerleader flirt with the captain of the football team when you know he’s slept with everyone on the squad. Cut it out.

On to the talent. And with regards to last night, I use that word loosely. Oh I should mention that the theme last night was Billboard #1 singles and the guest mentor was Miley Cyrus. I can’t wait for that girl’s articulation abilities to surpass a fourteen year old’s.

Lee Dewyze, The Letter by The Box Tops. As I’ve said before, there’s little to complain about when it comes to Lee. He’s easy on the eyes, has a nice voice to listen to, he even has that shy rocker quality about him that makes women feel the need to rescue him from his own vulnerability. That being said, I was a little surprised to hear the first three judges make such a fuss over his performance. I mean, it was fine. They should all be fine, they’re in the top 11 for pete’s sake. Simon came through, as he always does, and told Lee that his performance didn’t define him as a contemporary recording artist. If someone wanted The Letter performed at their wedding, Lee’s performance would be what you’re looking for because it would provide another way for you to utilize that horn section you paid extra for. But this competition is trying to carve a pop star out of a complete unknown and that process requires more creativity and originality than Lee has brought thus far.

Paige Miles, Against All Odds by Phil Collins. Yeesh. This was a performance that even someone who was tone deaf could sense had gone horribly wrong. I take notes while each contestant sings and here I opened my laptop to write “It’s terrible.” Followed by “Oh seriously, it’s terrible” twenty seconds later. Poor Randy was at a loss for words but resigned himself to putting it simply: “Really? Honestly? That was terrible. Really. Honestly.” Kara bemoaned that it appeared Paige had stopped trying and she was right. Before, after, during—Paige looked resolved to stink up the joint. That lack of want on top of being in the bottom two last week is likely to send Paige packing tonight.

Tim Urban, Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen. I have a history of not liking to dedicate too much time and energy toward Tim. We know why. If not, I can continue to remind everyone until he is gone that it was an atrocious decision on behalf of America to vote Tim through and leave Alex Lambert at home while his angelic voice falls on deaf ears. Back to Tim (I guess). As much as Kara was grating on my nerves, I loved that she reminded Tim that he is not a star, he has no real fan base, and therefore should not be moving in and out of the crowd, slapping girls’ hands as if he was someone to idolize. Simon called the performance “pointless” and I threw the remote control at the TV when I saw that he still has not gotten a haircut.

Aaron Kelly, I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. You know what this song reminds me of? Junior high school dances. When I was in seventh and eighth grade this was a slow dance song and the worst song to have someone you didn’t like ask you to dance because it was painstakingly long. For the sake of live TV, Aaron’s version was shortened, yet felt even longer. Aaron had come down with a case of laryngitis and tonsillitis so he was getting a lot of sympathy comments for that. All of the judges appear to be fans of his but I suspect only because they acknowledge he has a good voice, certainly not implying that he should actually win this thing. At the very end Ryan Seacrest referred to him as David Archuleta. Point, Seacrest. Also, please don’t throw around “best of the night” comments when we’re only on contestant four KARA.

Crystal Bowersox, Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. Killed it. This girl is as authentic as this show gets. She is a true artist who knows exactly what style fits her and how to impact an audience with her entire presence. Or as Randy put it, “That is what’s called being a star and being a dope singer.” Ahh just as Jane Austen would have described her. Crystal is clearly Simon’s favorite and I think he was relieved to be able to refer to her as the best performance of the night by the end of the episode. On the more critical side, I have to give Ellen credit for giving Crystal a note that was probably the smartest observation she has made since joining the judges table. Ellen reminded Crystal that she has a huge fan base and people are giving her a lot of love and she wants to be sure Crystal is showing her fans that she is appreciative of their support. I worry with Crystal that her quirkiness (like sitting down on that carpet while Ryan gave out her voting number) is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. But Crystal has Simon in her corner and that can usually take a contestant all the way to the finale.

Michael Lynche, When A Man Loves A Woman by Percy Sledge. Forget Dancing With The Stars, Michael Lynche is the new one man schmaltz fest 2010. Where Michael is now slipping up is the love affair he’s having with himself. Michael seems to want to take on a heartbreaker persona of some sort which is never going to work because his wife gave birth while he was on the show. Not interested. Kara called it loungey and Simon described it as asking for one scoop of ice cream and getting eleven. I reiterate, everyone left in this competition can sing. So the goal should now be to pick a song that the audience will appreciate hearing from you. Michael failed before he even began when he chose one of the most overplayed, can I say schmaltziest?, love songs of all time. No one appreciates that.

Andrew Garcia, I Heard It Through The Grapevine by Marvin Gaye. Ooo, I was dreading getting here. Last week I threatened to step off the Andrew Garcia aka Compton Danny Gokey aka Compton Harry Caray bandwagon if he didn’t pull out something great this week. Off I go. All I kept thinking about during his performance were the countless times we were taught in Acting class about the dangers of indicating. One of my professors once told the class that if you’re going to point at yourself every time you say “I” or “me” in a script, then go ahead and point or gesture in some way with every single pronoun. Sure enough the absurdity of such superfluous movement was made clear. That was exactly what Andrew was doing. Gesturing without reason because he had no idea what else to do with his body. He was awkward, spent a good portion of the song looking at the floor, and the song itself wasn’t in anyway challenging. I think Simon said it best when he said maybe they had overestimated the Straight Up performance from the start. I’m sorry but even if it was as fantastic as they all remember it to be, one good performance does not an artist make. It’s time to move on.

Katie Stevens, Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie. Now to prove to you that I’m not a 23 year old kermudgen, set in my ways with the inability to change my opinion about anything. I thought Katie Stevens was great last night. She finally found a song that made her seem youthful, she sang it well, and she didn’t look like a something out of a spring JC Penny catalog. Although I loved her new look, someone needs to tell girlfriend she still can’t pull of neon suspenders. Don’t think I didn’t see them. I was happy to see Katie’s many attempts to apply the judges’ critiques correctly finally pay off. All that being said, despite my willingness to applaud her success, I’m still not a fan. When she sings it sounds like her tongue is lodged in the back of her throat. I also don’t think she has enough personality to be a successful artist. Also, Kara must have done something annoying during this moment because in my notes I have “Kara needs to take a sedative.” Shock.

Casey James, Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News. I didn’t get to mention this last week because I don’t comment on the results shows, but Casey wore his hair in a ponytail during that episode and boy is that a look he pulls off. Unfortunately, his song choice last night wasn’t well known or catchy enough for anyone to get excited over it. I actually can’t believe that song was #1 at one point. Sorry if you’re a big Huey Lewis and the News fan Tina. He still sang it really well, and as Randy pointed out, he’s easily one of the best musicians they’ve ever had on the show, referring to his guitar skills. Kara felt he was ready to make an album after last night and Simon thought it wasn’t contemporary. So I figure as long as Casey picks a more current song, or at least arranges a more current interpretation, Simon might climb aboard the Casey James love train. And we need that because right now, he is one of about five contestants I don’t want to fast forward through.

Didi Benami, You’re No Good by Linda Ronstadt. I’ve always liked Didi but it’s probably not a good sign when, after remembering Siobhan, I couldn’t figure who was left to perform. Didi’s performance felt like an audition for a college student production of Chicago. After going through a rough round of judging, Didi defended her song choice and performance style by saying she wanted to show her versatility and “just wanted to have fun.” Everyone this season seems to be really concerned with having a lot of fun. I mean, please do, but also sing well while you’re doing that. This isn’t spring break and you’re not performing in a karaoke contest at Senor Frogs. Didi’s not going anywhere this week but for the future I would recommend she get a thicker skin. She looks like she’s going to break down and cry or scratch the judges’ eyes out every time they tell her they didn’t like her performance.

Siobhan Magnus, Superstition by Stevie Wonder. I didn’t really allow myself to like Siobhan until last week. Now, all of my leftover support for Andrew Garcia is going to her. This doesn’t make her my top choice (ahem, Crystal) but I do look forward to seeing what she has come up with, the way I used to eagerly anticipate Andrew’s performances. I will say she definitely needs to put the kibosh on that screeching high note at the end of all her performances for at least one week. Simon warned her that she was going to start annoying people if she makes that choice every single week. Siobhan confided that the last note is her favorite part of the song because it’s “so fun” and if she could sing the whole song like that, she would. My suggestion? Don’t.

By the end of the episode Simon looked exhausted from all of the mediocrity he just sat through. He warned the contestants, with the exception of Crystal, that they need to start pushing themselves. My official prediction is that Paige Miles will be going home tonight but really there are a handful to choose from. “Tonight was not a good night.” No it wasn’t Simon, no it wasn’t.

Finally, if you watched Gossip Girl on Monday night like you should have then you may have heard a song that caused your ears to perk up and ignore Blake Lively’s obscene cleavage for the first time all episode. If you didn’t watch, I suggest you give it a listen. It may not be Huey Lewis and the News but that’s good because it’s better.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: While you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle into my DVD player?
Jack: You did.  You watched it for about an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, and then turned it off.