She’s cheating on me, Liz. I think there’s another man in the picture. Are you sure Jack? ‘Cause she kind of seems like an honest lady.

Dear Tina,

Things are getting pushed back a day here. Normally I dedicate Tuesday’s post to Glee and Wednesday’s post to American Idol. However, tomorrow night is Simon’s last show and personally I believe this event to be far more important than whoever is crowned the next Ford spokesman singing sensation. Since I will be attending my weekly Wednesday night dinner and then entering a period of mourning while I digest the reality of Simon’s departure, I have decided to postpone recapping American Idol until Thursday. So with my entire weekly schedule totally out of whack, what am I to do? Well as it turns out, I’m in luck. Tonight, for the first time Jesse James opened up to Nightline about the extramarital affairs that cost him his marriage to Sandra Bullock. It must be kismet. I even managed to stay up until 11:05 to watch the interview in its entirety.

I had never heard James speak until tonight. It may come as a shock that in all my television viewing I never once landed on a show that was filmed in a garage, but for me James was merely the tattooed man in overalls sitting next to Sandra Bullock picking food out of her teeth on Us Weekly’s “Stars: They’re Just Like Us!” page. He talked about their courtship, how he had preconceived notions that she was a Hollywood “bitch” and once he met her, when she came to his garage to buy a motorcycle for a family member, he felt instant attraction (Really? To Sandra Bullock? Where stunning meets amazing? Weird.). He said he had to ask her out several times before she agreed to go on a date with him and, well, history tells you the rest.

The story of two physical opposites overcoming their assumptions and falling in love is sweet and hopefully opens a lot of women and men up to the idea of not judging a book by its cover, especially when it comes to love. But I guess I was hoping that in listening to James speak on this matter, I would see something in him that explained why someone who seems as sophisticated and intelligent as Sandra Bullock would take him as her husband. I didn’t get that. This interview felt like listening to a parent reprimand her son for getting his girlfriend pregnant and his only response is a shrug. I am the first to say that when it comes to celebrities, none of them owe us any explanation for their private, adult behavior. But James signed up for this. He agreed (if not requested himself) to a lengthy discussion as to why he would cheat on his wife. The woman has won an Oscar for heaven’s sake! His inability to articulate the extent of the pain he has caused his wife and children left me with the impression that he doesn’t have the maturity to comprehend what his behavior has cost anyone but himself. Marriage is an extremely adult experience that requires each partner to be a better, more giving person than they think they know how to be. James said something that indicated he never felt deserving of someone as wonderful as Bullock and he was essentially waiting for the day to come when she would leave him. While this all sounds very humble, to enter a marriage with the the belief that it’s not forever, regardless of who is doing the leaving, is reckless. Not to mention the fact that to say such a thing discredits your wife and the vows she took and upheld through the entirety of your marriage. I just don’t have patience for a man (or woman) who claims that the reasons for his (or her) sligths are rooted in feelings of not being good enough. Well she married you, you must have done something right, so the “I’m not worthy” speech is moot.

What I did find meaningful was his admittance that it wasn’t just his adulterous behavior that made him a bad husband. It was his whole lifestyle–the motorcylces, the stunts. I can’t imagine being married to someone who causes you to frequently worry whether or not the afternoon activity they signed up for is going to kill them. I get upset if someone doesn’t wear a seat belt. To put your wife through that kind of stress over a hobby of yours, yeah, that makes you a bad husband.

To be honest, reflecting on this post, I feel a little uncomfortable even commenting on this story. Despite the fact that Sandra’s face was on every cover of every tabloid magazine for about a month, that doesn’t put me in a position to understand or judge her husband and their marriage. I guess I just get a little agitated with men that parade their tales of woe after being identified as the cause of the problem at hand. If I were going through a divorce and my husband was using national television to comment on how I handled his misdeeds, no I wouldn’t like that. So I wish he would have chosen the more dignified path and stayed silent, allowing the story to soften with time without the puppeteering of a publicist. I’m just guessing.

On a related note, Nightline you have drifted afar since the days of Ted Koppel. I’m worried for you. The anchor’s wrap up to the segment was “There you have it. A man on the road to redemption.” Was that all you got from that? Who is writing your copy? The 19 year old intern? This isn’t a blog guys, it’s a news resource. Step up your game.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Look, Jack, I don’t have a personal life experience.  But if I have learned anything from my Sims family, when a child doesn’t see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down.  And then his mood level will drop, until he pees himself.

 

Did you just make a sports reference? Do you know how little of that I get here?

Dear Tina,

Alright I tried. I really felt like as someone that is trying to establish herself as some kind of television maven, I should pay attention to major television events. So I turned on the Super Bowl and was immediately overstimulated by all the lights and colors and words I didn’t understand; it was like someone tripping on acid going to Disney on Ice. I just don’t like sports. Sometimes I want to pretend I do so to my sports-minded friends I don’t come off as some kind of liberal vegan artist who hollowed out the television set in her living room and used it to grow an organic herb garden. I played sports when I was younger; I played softball for four or five years in elementary and middle school. The entire time I played I thought my dad was one of those terrible sideline coach parents because I would always hear him calling out to me from the bleachers telling me to keep my head in the game. I found out years later that he did that because he could tell I was never paying attention and he genuinely worried I was going to get hit in the head with a ball. The truth is, I think sports are boring and there is no reason to sit through hours of something I don’t understand for the sake of telling other people I did. My athleticism ends at having slightly above average flexibility and a willingness to take the stairs instead of the escalator. Also, while I do like to bring my television point of view to the masses (Dear Tina viewership hit an all-time high of 105 back in January and numbers have been slipping since so…tell your friends!) I should never lose sight of the fact that this blog was created for the sole purpose of getting a job. And as long as Tina doesn’t care if I don’t watch the Super Bowl, I don’t care. Plus, frankly even though the Super Bowl is one of the highest rated television events of the year, it is still a sporting event and should not fall under my realm of things to care about. Not when I prefer to spend most of my time caring about what Andy Cohen is doing.

So for reasons that relate to my dad watching the Super Bowl on the first floor, and my mom watching Erin Brockovich on the second floor, I am in my room sans television and therefore plan on discussing the top five pop culture events that are on my mind at the close of this weekend. The top five of course means the first five that come to mind, as I tend not to spend much time ranking my thoughts.

1. The dopplegangers on Facebook. Here’s the thing with celebrity dopplegangers. The vast percentage of celebrities are, by law (right?), required to be extremely attractive. So when you put up a picture of Jessica Simpson for your doppleganger because you also have blonde hair, it’s just inviting a comparison that we will soon discover is only marginally accurate. Or in some cases, terribly inaccurate. Facebook is a tool that, for the most part, should be used ironically and sarcastically. And to make sure that the guy you like is still seeing that girl whose celebrity doppleganger is Amy Winehouse and hating him for it. The only acceptable ones I saw were Suri Cruise and a furby. Because that’s hilarious. In case you were wondering, I did go to myheritage.com to find out who mine would be. For the sake of the experiment and because I have a platform to discuss it, I used three very different pictures of myself. The first was a picture of myself taken at Maifest Chicago last Spring. The second was my college headshot. And the third was a production shot from Imaginary Invalid. Here are the results.

And finally, with 66% accuracy, we have Zac Hanson when he was 11.

With 78% accuracy, we have Jodie Sweetin.

With 58% accuracy, we have Paula Deen.

I’ve always thought the missing link between Mrs. Butterworth, Steph Tanner, and the original Jonas Brother was my face. This is why I chose not to participate.

2. Sandra Bullock has proclaimed that she is not going to win the Oscar for Best Actress. Sandra recently said:

I’m so not winning an Oscar,” Bullock said. “Nine times out of ten I always pick who’s going to win. And I already know who’s going to win. I’m not going to say, but nine times out of ten, I’m right.

While we’re all hoping the same thing Sandra, you saying this just makes your inevitable win ten times more annoying. I like humble when it’s believable. I find it insincere to defy the predictions for the sake of wanting your surprise face to seem genuine. With that said, from today forward, I vow to stop giving Sandra Bullock such a hard until I see the movie because I agree it’s not fair for me to judge something I know nothing about. In the mean time, let us read together a blurb from New York Times movie critic A.O. Scott’s review of The Blind Side.

And Ms. Bullock’s brisk self-confidence can be appealing — until it becomes annoying. The biggest problem here is that her character never changes, never experiences a moment of doubt or guilt or selfishness, and after a while her display of goodness sinks into vanity.

We’re talking an ACADEMY AWARD here people. I’m just saying. Read Scott’s review in its entirety here.

3. Sarah Palin told Fox News Sunday that it would be “absurd” for her to rule out running in 2012. No, what is absurd was your basketball analogy during your resignation speech this past summer– “And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory.” Absurd was you writing a memoir. Didn’t you notice once you went back to Alaska no one was asking about you? Absurd was trying to find ways to blame Katie Couric and the “gotcha media” for your incompetency. You ruling out running in 2012 would actually be, according to antonyms for absurd found in my thesaurus, reasonable, sensible. There are only two good things that would come out of you running in 2012. Number one, it would surely invite Tina and her dead-on impression of you back to Saturday Night Live. Number two, you would lose.

4. The “Pro-Life” advertisement airing during the Super Bowl. You may have heard about this controversial ad featuring 2007 Heisman trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mom. Promoting Pro-Life values for the website FocusOnTheFamily.com, Tebow’s mom Pam talks about how when Tim was little, she considered having an abortion…or something. Those details turned out to be rather vague in the actual spot. The commercial had everyone up in arms which I was kind of surprised by with an issue like abortion. Either way, the important thing to remember is that it’s not changing any minds. Everyone has their own opinion on the subject and watching Pam Tebow get tackled by her son is not going to be the spark that sends Roe v. Wade back to the Supreme Court.

5. Hilarity brought to you by mockumentary gem Modern Family. Speaking of the Supreme Court, I would just like to end with the hilarious joke from last week’s episode of Modern Family. I feel like I haven’t spent enough time discussing how brilliant this show is. I’ll get there one day. In the mean time, just watch it because you’ll laugh. All the time.

Cam: My dream for him is that one day, he’ll be on the Supreme Court.
Mitchell: Why Cam?
Cam: So at parties I can tell people my partner is one of the Supremes.

Go to Hulu.com and watch the actual clip. It is from the “Moon Landing episode” and begins at the 1:30 marker.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jenna: As you probably know, especially if you read Page Six…of my publicist’s emails, I have decided to cut my hair and donate it to charity.
Kenneth: But Ms. Maroney, why would you cut your beautiful hair?  You look just how I picture Mary Magdalene.

Do-over!

Dear Tina,

So it is the day after the Golden Globes and while I touched on them briefly in last night’s post I feel there is still much to discuss. Plus I don’t really think my spastic outburst announcing Glee‘s win is adequate coverage.

Ricky Gervais is one of the best talents comedy has going these days. His stand up comedy has this wonderful blend of lightheartedness and social criticism; there is a smoothness to his delivery that causes you to laugh all the way through a bit before realizing he was just making fun of kids with cancer. His observations are much sharper than the reigning king of observational humor, Jerry Seinfeld, who is a great talent but there are only so many jokes I can hear about dry cleaning. Rather than looking at life’s mundane details, like the extra buttons that come with your shirt, Gervais takes on larger issues and then simplifies them in order to highlight their absurdity. Here, his take on The Bible and Creationism:

Being the fan of his that I am, I was particularly excited for the Golden Globes knowing that he would be hosting. I was very aware of the fact that he was on network television, being paid by network executives, and performing for a television audience–the majority of whom had probably never heard of him. So I anticipated a neutered version of the Ricky Gervais I know and love. It was certainly a wise move on behalf of the producers to enlist a host, something they hadn’t done in 15 years. I still felt, however, that a large portion of his jokes were much more elementary than innovative. I was hoping that Gervais would find a happy medium between his own comedy and the requirements of an award show host. Yet much of the humor was too easy and redundant that it made me sad to think he had written the material himself. I mean, really, a joke about all the plastic surgery you see in the room? That’s like performing at an insurance company retreat and commenting on all the white guys in the room. Also, many must be sick of the NBC late night debacle taking over all media outlets. Personally I find it much more interesting than hearing from cocktail waitresses eager to unearth their sexual escapades with Tiger Woods. But nevertheless it is the most current news story affecting media and Hollywood so what better venue than a major awards show ON NBC for some fresh material. It barely got a mention and when it did he went with the most obvious, overused joke to date: “Lets get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno.” Ughh heard it. Now make a pun about NBC not honoring their contracts.

Despite my criticisms, I still feel that he enhanced my viewing experience if for no other reason than that accent of his that could (literally?) charm the pants off me. My favorite moment came when he made a joke about Paul McCartney’s settlement: “He was behind me in coach. Saving money. He spent an awful lot last year.” When the joke was met with boo’s and “no you di-int’s” by the audience, his tactic to earn their warmth back was pointing to his Support Haiti ribbon. That is the Ricky I know and love.

At the end of the day, I think Ricky Gervais’s performance last night serves as a reminder to all future awards show hosts and future awards show viewers, that no matter how creative or edgy someone is prior to emceeing, all the producers really want them to do is facilitate a three and half hour long trophy ceremony without swearing. Maybe next year they should just do what my coaches did at the end of park district soccer seasons; hand out formica plaques to everyone who participated while they eat oranges and drink juice boxes.

Also, I’d like to discuss why it is ok that 30 Rock did not win Best Television Comedy series. It’s not because I am a fan of Glee and 30 Rock has had its time in the spotlight. Absolutely not. I may love Glee but that doesn’t take away from the fact that 30 Rock should be seasonally recognized for its exceptional writing and performing. Don’t give John Wayne the Oscar just because he’s dying when Dustin Hoffman clearly gave the better performance. I guess Glee was John Wayne in that comparison. Not one of my best. Anyway, it’s ok because I have officially decided that the 2010 Golden Globes do not count. To put it simply, I am horrified by the films and performances that won last night. I think film as an entity should forefit this year and we should stop handing out awards now before The Hangover is nominated for an Oscar.

I’m starting to get a little upset with myself because I keep knocking things I love: Ricky, Glee, and now…Meryl. Meryl wins for Best Actress in a Comedy. I’m sorry but Julie and Julia was a terrible movie. It was boring and the food they made looked bad. How could you leave a movie about one of the greatest chefs of our time and not want to eat a delicious meal? I’ll tell you why. Because, as far as I could tell, at one point Amy Adams was making beef jello. I know that Hollywood loves it when an actor portrays a real life person, especially if that person had a funny voice, but if that’s the case than Kristen Wiig should get a Cecil B. DeMille award for her portrayal of Suze Orman. Meryl is the best actress living today, I have no qualms about making such a bold statement. Regardless, that movie came out during the summer for a reason. It was a lackluster script that did not require or allow Meryl Streep to bring any depth to Julia Child. I wasn’t impressed then and I’m stunned in the bad way now. My guess as to what happened was the Hollywood Foreign Press was like “Eh these were all pretty average performances. Just give it to Meryl. No one will question it.”

Next, Sandra Bullock wins for Best Actress in a Drama. I haven’t seen The Blind Side, I’m going to be honest about that upfront. Here is my issue. Sandra appears to be on a winning streak solely for the fact that this year there were no stand out female performances. Absolutely no one that critics were raving about so the award goes to Miss Congeniality. It’s like when Reuben Studdard won American Idol. What was America supposed to do? Clearly the competition was no longer about finding someone to idolize, so they went with who they’d rather get a hug from.  If Sandra Bullock deserved to win awards for her acting in this movie, trust me, I would have heard about it. In all seriousness, critics would have been discussing this role as a transformative moment for her career, the way they discussed Jamie Foxx in Ray. Also, no one gets a top acting award with this dialogue:

You’re changing that boys life.

Sandra: No. He’s changing mine.

Sandra I beg of you; go rent Monster and tell me you should get the same things Charlize Theron got.

Finally we have The Hangover. Winner of Best Musical or Comedy of the year. I’m sorry, for a moment there I thought I was watching the Teen Choice Awards and I was confused when Bradley Cooper did not go onstage and accept a surfboard from one of the Jonas Brothers. Once again, I loved this movie. Got it for Christmas. What we are discussing here is the appropriateness of this film receiving a distinguished award for being better than any other film in its genre. It was a surprise when it was nominated. Like when Joan Cusack was nominated for an Oscar for In and Out. Reviewing the competition in this category I really don’t know why the Hollywood Foreign Press didn’t just say “Ok this year we’ll take a break from this category.” Call me a snob but it feels inappropriate to me that a movie featuring an escort named Jade played by Heather Graham is the best of anything.

I was the eagerest of beavers last year to see all the films that were receiving award nominations. This year I lost interest before the season even started. So that’s that Tina. Golden Globes 2010 do not count. They will continue to not count until they can find a collection of films and actors who actually deserve to take home their shiny hood ornament. You’re welcome.

P.S. If you haven’t seen it yet, Jeff Bridges truly is amazing in Crazy Heart. He and Alec Baldwin are excused from my Golden Globe 2010 boycott.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: I got rid of all Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica.
Jack: That man can wear a sweater.