Oh come on, Liz! It’s the 90’s!

Dear Tina,

I just got around to watching clips from last week’s episode of Saturday Night Live hosted by Betty White. The Facebook campaign that aggressively (well, as aggressively as anything is done on Facebook) petitioned Lorne Michaels to book Betty as host was highly publicized and largely responsible for making it happen. It does seem odd that a popular actress of such discernible comedic talent had never been asked to do this before especially when Lindsay Lohan has been bestowed the honor…twice. Betty White’s career began before the United States entered World War II. I mean, come on. Not one to be so petty as to hold a grudge, out came Betty in all her 88 year old glory. She was poised, humble, and, unlike the string of young Hollywood that preceded her this season, her monologue was funny. Hearing her announce with such enthusiasm that “Jay-Z is here” was so sweet, it was like receiving an iTunes gift card for Christmas from your grandma: she doesn’t know what all the fuss is about but she’s just happy to put a smile on your face.

Betty’s hosting duties coincided with the Saturday Night Live Mother’s Day Special that reunited our favorite female cast members from the 90s-00s. Tina — well you know, you were there — Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, and a very unsubtly pregnant Amy Poehler were all there to help Betty celebrate an evening dedicated to our beloved moms. Come to think of it, it would have made more sense to have Boyz II Men as the musical guest, performing “A Song For Mama.” But then we would have had to listen to “A Song For Mama” and the 90s nostalgia would be canceled out by the awfulness.

Bringing these women back turned out to be a double-edged sword. On one hand, this episode was hilarious with regrettable sketch choices few and far between (probably the strongest since the 2008 presidential election, really). However, that’s because the episode was filled with old characters and sketches created by these women and only served as a reminder for how weak the current female cast members on SNL are. With the exception of Kristen Wiig, who is the show’s saving grace when it comes to female talent, the women seen in the opening credits were barely allowed on stage. It was as if for one night Lorne wanted to live in a fantasy world where all his casting missteps of the past two years didn’t exist. Smart move.

Now I don’t mean to be persnickety, but as much as I respect Betty White for her infinite career, I did find in some instance that she caused the timing of the sketches to drag. For instance, when Sally O’Malley (I’m 50!) made an appearance on Weekend Update, the outlandish build that usually occurs in these sketches was stalled in order for Betty to make a handful of jokes about being 90 and liking to sit instead of kick and stretch. By the time they exited the stage, it felt like we hadn’t gotten a full serving of Sally O’Malley who will always outshine anyone that tries to stand in her spotlight, even Ms. White. In the sketch “Bronx Beat”, which did not air during the live broadcast but can be found on Hulu.com or below in this post, Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph are back as the apathetic local cable talk show hosts with a propensity towards sass. For the first two and half minutes, the back and forth between these two was right on point, it felt like they had never left. When Betty entered as Amy Poehler’s mom, she was funny in that American audiences love an octogenarian talking about sex, but her timing slowed the other two down and we lost a bit of the energy coming from Amy and Maya’s chemistry.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/147973/saturday-night-live-bronx-beat#s-p2-sr-i1

Over all I take my hat off to you Betty White. You proved to be a great success when handed the reigns for a live comedy show. I think it may have taken someone of your age and experience to prove the idiocy of allowing a stiff like January Jones to host. Sorry, I may never get over that. Below I have also included my favorite Sally O’Malley sketch of all time. Sally O’Malley plus a Sopranos spoof? Be still my heart.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/1504/saturday-night-live-sally-omalley

30 Rock Quote Day:

Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.

Hey, guys. Ugh. I’m sorry, but we’re gonna have to work all night tonight until we get caught up.

Dear Tina,

All last week I was running a day behind, unable to catch up until yesterday afternoon. I tell you one brief trip to the city Tuesday night and my schedule subsequently lost all sense of direction. One lengthier trip to the city last night and I lost a minor sense of dignity. No, I jest. I was delighted when I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror, and saw that my eyeliner had smudged all the way down to my chin. It was so cute I left it just like that for brunch.

With all that accomplished, I would be lying to you if I implied I had anything worth saying right now. In fact, I’ve been staring at my computer for the past 25 minutes contemplating what I could make up and nothing is coming. So I bid you adieu and leave you with this Weekend Update clip featuring an update in Women’s News that has gone under appreciated on Dear Tina. Enjoy.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/141554/saturday-night-live-update-womens-news#s-p3-sr-i4

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: Don’t just sit there, come over here and give me some sugar.
Cerie: No thank you.
Tracy: Well if you ever want to piss off your parents, you come see me.

Saving the Earth while maintaining profitability.

Dear Tina,

As a member of the media you probably know that in almost all cases, DVDs are released on Tuesdays. What you may not know is that the Avatar DVD is being released this week but on Thursday. Why you ask? Well Thursday is April 22…Earth Day. Ugh, Cameron. We get it. You love the Earth. Stop shoving it down my throat.

Last night Ryan Phillippe hosted Saturday Night Live. I didn’t watch it but my question is this: why? Nymag.com noted in their recap of the episode that he was a virtual nonentity. Well, duh. Of all the celebrities in all the land, most of whom would be honored to host the show, how did you fall on Ryan Phillippe? No one has cared about him since Reese Whiterspoon showed up to the 2007 Golden Globes in that yellow cocktail dress and we all realized she looked better without him. I guess it’s because he is co-starring in the SNL inspired film MacGruber coming to theaters this May. In any case, as far as I can tell the man has the range of a suburban white seventh grader so I can’t imagine he was able to deliver the goods last night. Sure we all love to look at a nice face but that’s what magazines are for.

Speaking of summer movies, last night when I saw Date Night, the theater decided to dedicate the first 30 minutes of my experience to previews. Normally this would be delightful but we are currently previewing the summer movie season which notoriously releases some of the year’s most disappointing films. Don’t believe me? Think I’m being too harsh? Then you haven’t seen a preview for The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Nicolas Cage plays a dirty blonde named Balthazar. And that’s all you’ll ever need to know. Still not convinced? Ok fine then, take a look at this:

Actually that might have just been a paparazzi shot of Nic Cage outside The Ivy in Los Angeles. Hard to tell with him. I’ll have to check my sources and get back to you.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Greenzo: Hey did you leave your computer on all night?
Liz: Yeah, it just takes a real long time to reboot in the morning.
Greenzo: Huh. Hey you know what else takes a long time? Building a new earth!

I’m going to be on TV this week. Really? I think you mean radio.

Dear Tina,

I didn’t get to watch your Saturday Night Live episode yet because I spent all of my afternoon lying supine in my sister’s bed much like the Beales 0f Grey Gardens. At one point I was eating tortilla chips and it didn’t go over well when I wiped my hands on her comforter. My sister apparently did not find my Grey Gardens reenactment nearly as charming as I did. Then tonight I was visually accosted (in the good way) when I decided to take in some local theatre. More on that later in the week. So now that I’m home and reunited with my dear friend, my computer, I was able to catch small pieces of the episode. I heard you on The Late Show with Jimmy Fallon express concern that your Sarah Palin impersonation may be out of tune…or was never that good to begin with. Well rest assured you proved neither of those fears to be true. The Sarah Palin Network skit only got better as it went on. “Obamar is a terrist” as the answer to the Tea Party Wheel of Fortune puzzle was a personal favorite. Not to mention the news program titled Hey Journalist, I Gotcha! where Palin turns the tables on journalists and asks them the tough questions. Followed by the classic Sarah Palin wink. Pretty wonderful. Watch below:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/141545/saturday-night-live-sarah-palin-network

Also, you should probably indulge in the skit featuring Justin Bieber. Because he sings and sits in a baby carriage. Plus, he unapologetically flirts with Tina in the overly confident manner that reminds you what a young soul he truly is.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/141556/saturday-night-live-teacher#s-p2-sr-i1

Well done.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Kenneth: They’re from Devon Banks.
Liz: [reading card] FEMA paid for these flowers because you’re show is going to be a disaster.

Congratulations on 50 shows everyone. Enjoy your decorative air holders, you deserve them.

Dear Tina,

Today marks my official 100th post of Dear Tina! So I ask: WHERE ARE YOU? I mean, New York City, yes I know, but when can I expect to hear from you? When people stay sober for 100 days they get parties thrown for them and coins to carry in their wallets, don’t they? They do. This project is the longest my attention span has been sustained in my whole life. I would say that is a reflection of my growing maturity and the way the job market is today shouldn’t we be more concerned with people’s personal accomplishments than their professional ones? Or am I just saying that because I am a full-time babysitter with a degree in imagination Acting? Don’t answer. In any case, if you could just offer a sign that I am in consideration for future employment at 3o Rock I might bare to continue this blog for the next 100 days. Like tonight when you host Saturday Night Live you could pull on your ear lobe or wear your glasses at some point. Anything subtle to let me know I’m on your mind. I would really appreciate it. Also, while you’re over there at studio 8H I think you should pitch the idea of Andy Cohen hosting Saturday Night Live to Lorne. Andy Cohen of Bravo fame of course. Maybe America wouldn’t be that excited about it, but imagine how fun the after party would be. Cocktails with Andy Cohen is a recent addition to my bucket list. Also, having a bucket list is a recent addition to my life. And there’s only one item on it (see: above). Plus I think he could do a killer Wendy Williams impression.

Good luck tonight on Saturday Night Live. I’ll be watching it tomorrow afternoon on my couch possibly with a headache but definitely with a smile. If your nerves start to get the best of you this evening just go and knock on Justin Bieber’s dressing room door and ask him to tell you a story. It will inevitably turn into him hitting on you and you will be so disoriented, you’ll forget all about how the live show about to commence is riding on your shoulders. Trust me.

I don’t know how to cut clips so please watch the following clip from 0:19-0:38. Tell me Seth Meyers can’t find a way to incorporate this material into a show.

Come on.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: Kenneth, as you may have heard, Jonathan no longer works here.
Kenneth: Yeah, the assistants talked about it at Finnigan’s, the bar we all go too after work, in my dreams.

Yet another black superstar taken down by his personal life. Just like my favorite golfer, OJ Simpson.

Dear Tina,

It was announced this week that the new season of Jersey Shore will premiere July 29th. Sorry Dad, I can’t hang out on your birthday. We have gorilla juiceheads in the mist.

If you missed Kate Gosselin dancing to “Paparazzi” this week on Dancing With The Stars, here is a pretty accurate interpretation. Although I have to say, Jimmy appears to have more natural rhythm than Kate and pulls off the enormous side ponytail much better:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/140551/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-kate-gosselins-paparazzi-dance

Tina will be hosting Saturday Night Live tomorrow night with musical guest Justin Bieber. It’s like the universe was trying to figure out the only sure fire way to get me to stay home on a Saturday night. My two favorite things combined. This is what it will feel like if they ever find a way to combine a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup with an Oreo. A couple of weeks ago my friend said to me “I never know if you’re kidding when you talk about Justin Bieber so enthusiastically.” I told her I never am.

I just read this sentence in an article:

Sad starlets Lindsay Lohan and Mischa Barton were spotted drinking and “chain-smoking” together at Nylon‘s eleventh-anniversary bash in L.A.

I think I’m starting to come around to those two again. Because they’re not even pretending they have it together anymore…or may ever have it together again. There’s something charming about that kind of destructive honesty. It’s how the two Coreys got their own reality TV show.

There was a big event on television this week. If you consider golf a big event, which I don’t and no one should. But Tiger Woods returned to the distinguished Masters Tournament this week and everyone, particularly Access Hollywood, was really excited about it. For the first time since Tiger’s infidelities came to light, he is resuming his role as one of the country’s top athletes. Personally, I don’t consider someone all that athletic if they can wear khaki pants while playing their sport but I can’t even figure out how to play Wii Golf so I’m not one to judge. Also, have you noticed that according to the media the biggest crime Tiger’s mistresses have committed is being unattractive? My biggest problem was that on February 19th, Tiger made his first public apology (if you noted the time ticker you would have thought he managed to squeeze in a dramatic reading of War and Peace) and he was pretty clear about taking an indefinite break from golf. So does indefinite normally mean until the next opportunity comes up to play? If it does then I would like to take this time to announce that I am taking an indefinite break from babysitting. I don’t know yet when I will return but it will most likely be this coming Monday at 7 am. Thank you for your time.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: I’m sorry. Would you like to stay at my guest house?
Frank: Yeah! Thanks. When’s good to go over there?
Tracy: Oh I’m not offering. I’m just doing a survey to gauge general interest.

Rosemary says that women become obsolete in this business when there’s no one left that wants to see them naked.

Dear Tina,

I’ve gathered a lot of information over the past couple of days while watching/researching other things. By researching I mean finding out that guy on Gossip Girl was indeed the star of the Air Bud trilogy. And by information I mean irrelevant pop culture nonsense. But after 75 posts, haven’t I kind of made the point that that’s what this blog is about? Err, Tina I need a job though so it’s still also about that. Here are a few nuggets I’d like to share.

I usually don’t watch Saturday Night Live during its regular time slot because it’s Saturday night and i’M aLwAyS aT ThE cLuBs!#!#&!*! (If you didn’t read that last part sardonically, please re-read and do so.) So I tend to read reviews of the program on Sunday or Monday and see if there are any skits worth watching and will proceed to hulu.com for a selective viewing session. Yes, I am a part of the generation that is quickly causing the irrelevance of television networks. Still hope to work for one at some point. Anyway, I was intrigued by nymag.com’s recap of the episode from two weeks ago hosted by Zach Galifianakis. They had this to say:

Things quickly got better as Galifianakis came out for his monologue and killed it. There were no questions from the audience or interruptions from other cast members, just ZG and his jokes. Sure, some of it might have sounded familiar to those who know his stuff, but watching a comedian tell funny jokes during the monologue was such a welcome change that we’ll excuse him.

I understand that people like Taylor Lautner and Megan Fox may bring new viewership to the program, but if they can’t deliver the goods, in the end it weakens the writing and makes SNL appear to be past its prime. They should consider in the 2010-2011 season booking more comedians. Because with Taylor Lautner’s opening monologue we watched the equivalent of a junior high student’s karate recital and with Zach Galifianakis we got this:

Sometimes I’ll do something and I’ll think to myself ‘That is so Raven.’ And then at other times I’ll do something, I’ll be like ‘That was not very Raven.’

More importantly, if you are the devoted reader I delusionally believe you to be Tina, you may recall back in February an issue I took up with a Broadview Security commercial. If you don’t, you can find it here. Well lo and behold look at what the writing staff over at Saturday Night Live decided to take a swing at:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/134720/saturday-night-live-broadview-security#s-p1-sr-i3

So maybe my true calling is in New York City, bringing my own sense of ridicule to the funniest, hardest working people in town. To me, Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock are like Barbie and kid sister Skipper. A family. I feel no sense of betrayal acknowledging my desire to be a part of any and all things related to either or both programs. By the way, do watch the above commercial. “Studies show that if you’re a lady, most men want to kill you.”

In other TV news, the channel TV Land is the next television channel with mediocre ratings trying to freshen things up by introducing an original series. The show, a sitcom, is titled Hot in Cleveland and was only on anyone’s radar because the pilot guest starred Betty White who has since been offered a starring role on the program. The problem, and why I even bring this up, is Betty’s costars. Shall we? Valerie Bertinelli, Wendie Malick, and Jane Leeves. You know them all from shows you probably didn’t watch 10-30 years ago. I mean goodness gracious who are they going to cast for their love interests? Barry Williams, Wayne Knight, and John Ratzenberger? I know that airing the classics is TV Land’s M.O. but if you’re going to introduce an original series feel free to veer away from what was working in the 1970s/90s. On another note, what reignited the Betty White love affair? I’m totally on the train right with you but it appears to have come out of nowhere. One minute no one’s talking about her and the next over 500,000 people are uniting on Facebook to convince Lorne Michaels to let Betty host Saturday Night Live. Maybe something’s going around, keeping a lot of people at home to reconnect with Betty through Golden Girls marathons on Lifetime.

Lastly, and oh so briefly, Alec Baldwin had some things to say about his hosting duties at the Academy Awards a couple of weekends ago. Nothing negative or critical, but he did say that originally he and Steve Martin played a much larger role in the show and that they, the hosts, decided to cut it down by about half to give more time to those being honored. That Baldwin, a gentleman first and foremost. He also reveals the line he and Steve had planned to open the show with:

We were going to come out and say, ‘The Oscars. Warmer than the Olympics. Not as gay as the Tonys.’

That really could have started things out with a bang. I guess ABC isn’t as big a fan of “funny because it’s true” humor as I am. I encourage more of this in the future.

For more up to the minute pop culture buzz (because I only update this once a day and half the time I seem to be yackin on and on about American Idol or Chuck Bass) be sure to go to nymag.com. It is my sole news source for most things mentioned in this blog that I don’t watch firsthand. It’s like the Simon Cowell of news blogs in that it has an uncanny ability to articulate my feelings on a matter before I’ve even formed the opinion in my head.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: You’ll do fine so long as you follow my 3 D’s; Discretion, Docility, and Don’t use my bathroom.