Category Archives: Simon Cowell

The best way for a woman to get heat in this industry is to either record a country album or have a lesbian relationship.

Dear Tina,

Last night American Idol premiered the big stage with the top 12, the only contestants America will have a shot at remembering five years from now, and a Rolling Stones themed evening. Now I’m no classic rock connoisseur but I was always under the impression that the Rolling Stones were a rock band. You would never have known that last night when quite a few of the performances sounded country inspired. Maybe I’m still holding on to resentment over the elimination of Alex Lambert last week, but this group as a whole is a yawn fest. The only person who has the potential to show up wearing caged shoulder pads a la Adam Lambert is Siobhan Magnus. And I really hope she does.
The judges entered the big stage in a dramatic fashion, %75 of them looking as eager as a high school senior on her first day ready to rule the school, Simon looking like he was walking to his car after leaving the mall. Simon was also wearing a deep v-neck sweater with a white tank top underneath. I do the same thing when trying to be more reserved in terms of cleavage. I imagine Simon had similar intentions.

I’ve struggled with how to best and most fairly review a performance episode of this show. I feel now that we are in the top 12 and all of these contestants have a legitimate shot at becoming the next American Idol (except Tim Urban), it is my responsibility to acknowledge everyone. So without further ado…

Michael Lynch, Miss You. Coming off of a very strong week, Michael approached his performance with a cockiness I both resented and admired. It was well sung and his ability to make a Rolling Stones song sound like it had always been an R&B track was impressive. One mistake Michael made was forgetting to return the chain hanging from his pants to the seventh grader he borrowed it from. Simon remarked that his dancing was corny, which of course, it was. I felt similarly last week but the vocal made up for it. From now in, Michael may need to realize his strong suit is not dance. Or movement of any kind.

Didi Benami, Play With Fire. Didi was refreshing in that she finally chose to stray from the folksy, acoustic sound that has been her main stay since the beginning. Poor girl missed a cue, then missed a lyric, and it looked like it was going to be the first true disaster in American Idol history. It’s amazing to me that in nine seasons, no one has ever broken down and started sobbing during a live performance. Didi collected herself and turned out a great performance. I love her voice so even though I sense she’s not America’s favorite, I hope she sticks around for a while.

Casey James, It’s All Over Now. I tend to not like men that are prettier than me, but Casey won me over last night. He’s not the best but at least last night he reminded us that he is really talented in a very specific genre of music: country blues. And that I admire. Year after year we see contestants slip through the cracks for having a nice face to look at but hardly any musicality (ie Ace Young) but Casey is a legitimate musician with a great voice when he sings in his style. Also, it was during this time that Ellen made a sly reference to being a lesbian; Kara LOL’d big time and then referred to Ellen and Randy as “the guys” the rest of the night.

Lacey Brown, Ruby Tuesday. Lacey your time has come. The time is now.  You can go by foot. You can go by cow. Marvin K. Mooney Lacey Brown will you please go now. I just can’t stand the smiling/sitting at the edge of the stage combo. It is so excessively sweet it gives me cavities just watching. Ellen gave her first piece of useable criticism when she said Lacey was walking around during the slow parts and then sat down when the song finally started to pick up. It was true. I think Lacey’s biggest fan is Lacey; she is the archetype for what Simon means when he calls a performance “indulgent.” Also, Lacey’s parents remind of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar.

Andrew Garcia, Gimme Shelter. I say this with a lot of regret, but Andrew Garcia aka Compton Harry Caray has one more week before I officially jump of the Garcia love train. He put down his acoustic guitar this week for fear his “Straight Up” performance would be referenced again (it of course still was) and then we saw what many have feared the past few weeks–he’s just not as good as we thought. I still love his voice but the thing about this show is that every season there are favorites and there are dark horses. If you’re lucky enough to be a favorite from the beginning but then your performances become inconsistent, the dark horse takes over. I’m still holding out hope Andrew, but it’s dwindling.

Katie Stevens, Wild Horses. Well Katie, the spunky 16 year old who keeps being told to keep it youthful decided to go for the same Rolling Stones song Susan Boyle covered on her debut album. The judges loved the choice. Fine. This is one instance I can’t get behind what Simon says. This girl is so irritating to me. She’s like Rachel from Glee except not funny and not as talented. So, the worst. And she had the audacity to come out wearing the same dress I wore to Easter dinner when I was seven. For the record, I prefer the Susan Boyle version.

Tim Urban, Under My Thumb. His haircut was modeled after Zack and Cody from Disney’s The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, yet he decided to sing his Rolling Stones song in the style of Reggae. Save it for Bob Marley week. I can’t believe we lost Alex Lambert for this.

Siobhan Magnus, Paint it Black. Siobhan received the unofficial award from Simon for performance of the night; this was even confirmed after the final performance by Crystal. I’ve given Siobhan a hard time in the past. Mainly because every time I read/type her name, in my head I think See-o-bahn so I resent her for confusing me. But See-o-bahn is definitely a performer to look forward to. Her rendition of “Paint it Black,” the first song I was really familiar with the Rolling Stones version, was dramatic and insanely difficult in terms of the vocal. My favorite part about Siobhan is that when she’s done singing, she just stands there and looks like one of the characters from Recess. She’s great. I can’t wait to see more.

Lee Dewyze, Beast of Burden. For me, Lee has the most commercial voice. I don’t mean that as a bad thing; his style is one that has had major success on the radio because it is masculine, effortlessly good, and sexy. He’s the type of guy a girl hopes to meet, start dating, and then be surprised when he sings her a Goo Goo Dolls song on his acoustic guitar shirtless. The judges felt it was safe and Simon told him the only thing holding him back is his personality. Ouch. But true. He needs to come out of his shell and challenge himself to do something no one would see coming. That could catapult him to the top. Also, maybe just sing a Goo Goo Dolls song shirtless?

Paige Miles, Honky Tonk Women. Why has no one addressed the fact that Paige is stunning? Someone needs to do that. I hope it’s Randy and I hope it’s awkward. Paige apparently had laryngitis, which I didn’t really need to hear about nor did America. Stuff like that tends not to affect us. I thought she was great but, to take a word from Simon, it was forgettable. At this stage in the game Paige hasn’t done enough to stand out and this is going to send her packing sooner than she may deserve to go home if this competition was based on talent alone.

Aaron Kelly, Angie. I’ve already spent enough time discussing how much I dislike 16 year olds in this competition. They should be in their junior year English class trying to figure out what all the colors mean in The Great Gatsby. In his video package, Aaron remarks about what a small town he grew up in is still growing up in, noting the single stoplight. Really Aaron? You seemed like such a city slicker to me. The judges liked his performance and though it was the perfect song choice for him. I guess because he made it sound like a Rascal Flatts single. I couldn’t careless. I think he is boring and self-conscious. In the teenager way, not in the hunky-Lee Dewyze-I used to work at a paint store-way.

Crystal Bowersox, You Can’t Always Get What You Want. Crystal was introduced and came out on that stage like she had already won. Like she was last season’s winner returning to grace her alma mater with a performance. It wasn’t her best performance but she’s working with a different set of standards than the majority of the group. It was still great but like Lee, Crystal needs to do something next week to remind America that she is a cut above the rest. If she leaves too soon I would consider turning off the rest of the season. I usually judge my favorites based on who’s singles I am most excited to purchase on iTunes and right now that’s Crystal. Girl, you go.

So that wraps it up. I know it was long but remember it will only get shorter as the weeks go by. Also, if you do start watching American Idol and would like to accompany your viewing with a drinking game, may I suggest taking a shot everytime Kara says “You know the kind of artist you are.” Ugh. Kara needs to come up with some fresh criticisms. She recycles the same five notes every week.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Frank: Nobody believes that a killer robot can get his ass kicked by one bear. It doesn’t make any sense.
Liz: You’re trying to bring logic to the robot bear sketch?!

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Filed under American Idol, Ellen DeGeneres, Kara DioGuardi, Randy Jackson, Reality TV, Recaps, Simon Cowell, Tina Fey

This is unbelievable. Last week I was just a street performer making 50 bucks a day and getting memory loss from all the silver paint fumes.

Dear Tina,

If you were underwhelmed by the ladies’ performances on Tuesday night, then I hope you knew to crack open a Red Bull or take a hit of ecstasy because it only got worse. We’re going to get right to it for those that are still feeling fatigued from spending two hours trying to decipher if you were watching the top 24 or a rerun from auditions week. I know I am.

Todrick Hall kicked off the night with his own rendition of “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson. Whoever arranged this piece forgot the value in maintaining what made the original song a hit. Fine if you want to slow it down, change an instrument, have a man sing it, but make it entirely unrecognizable and you’re only going to hurt yourself (and my opinion of you). I like him because he has a background in theatre but if he experiences amnesia and next week does a rap version of a Kenny Chesney song, he may need to find the exit.

Aaron Kelly sang “Here Comes Goodbye” by Rascal Flatts. I just don’t have any patience for someone who comes into a competition of this magnitude looking like he gelled his hair and borrowed his older brother’s shirt for the junior high school dance. Also, the singing was bad. So lose-lose.

Jermaine Sellers was up next and sang “Get Here” by Oleta Adams. What? Why? I know that the theme of the week was Billboard hits so that leaves you with decades of options–what was your second choice? “Papa Loves Mambo” by Perry Como? Why would you pick a song 12 year olds have never heard of or would ever like to hear? You should know if you’re going to go on American Idol that they’re the ones voting for you. Also, the singing was bad. Third contestant to go and already a pattern is developing…

Then we had Tim Urban with “Apologize” by OneRepublic. This is where I would stare at you with wide eyes and slow blink for a minute to convey my feelings. But this is a blog and I only have my words. Just like Leo Tolstoy. He was called in after another guy had to leave the competition. Clearly the judges saw something in him that originally made them say “he’s not good enough for the next level.” And last night America got to see that something as well. I think he may have hit every note that he was incapable of hitting. I would also like to say that this is now the third season in a row someone has performed that song. Moratorium.

Joe Munoz came out and did Ryan the favor of making him look tall for the first time ever. He sang “You  and I Both” by Jason Mraz. I can see why Mr. Mraz’s music would be appealing to a lot of contestants because he has such a pleasant tone that he makes his songs sound easy to sing. I myself once had a dream that I sang “I’m Yours” in an arena sized venue and received a standing ovation. However, in this case Joe bopping and snapping along to it was not the right choice. Also, I don’t think Joe got a second of air time prior to this so he virtually has no fan base other than his mom.

Tyler Grady remembered to show up, much to my dismay, and sang “American Woman” by Lenny Kravitz. He’s still riding on the fact that Victoria Beckham told him he had a cool look when in fact he looks like an extra from the Forrest Gump Washington Monument scene. I think I went to the bathroom during his performance.

Lee Dewyze sang “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol and officially secured himself the role of the “alternative rocker.” When in fact he has about as much rock in him as David Cook did, which was minimal. I like him though. I can look beyond the phoniness of someone thinking they are maintaining or building a”rocker” image through American Idol. What I couldn’t look beyond was his infuriating message tee that I, nor any of the people I was with when I watched it, could not figure out what it said or meant. If anyone knows please tell me. Truly though, he is one of two men in the competition I like. Maybe one of three.

John Park got the audience grooving to “God Bless the Child” by Billie Holiday. And then I performed “Muskrat Ramble” by The McGuire Sisters. Seriously guys this isn’t just bad song choice anymore this is like I felt like sleeping in so I just let me mom pick for me. John Park was another one who was barely featured on the show before the top 24 and he thinks he will garner our attention with that? Maybe if you sang it brilliantly. Good thing you didn’t sing it brilliantly so we don’t have to consider these hypotheticals. It’s time to go home. See you back in Northbrook, hope I run into you at the mall.

Michael Lynche or “Big Mike,” as America collectively feels the need to call him, sang “This Love” by Maroon 5. And smiled from ear to ear the entire time. I’m glad you were having so much fun but this isn’t really about fun. It’s about me judging you and my verdict is–bring that grin in, and put the guitar down because you don’t appear to be using it. His version of “This Love” also felt really fast to me and I think the syncopated rhythm of that song is what makes it work. He’ll stick around for awhile because his wife gave birth while he was in Hollywood so people find that charming. People meaning not his wife who might appreciate a husband at home as she raises a newborn.

Alex Lambert (not Adam, wah!) went with “Wonderful World” by James Morrison. His voice sounded nice but he looked a like a dog who just got out of the bath: shivering and wanting despearately to be back in a warm cage. I think I am going to boycott Alex Lambert until he trims the mullet. It’s the loudest thing about him and even that is shades of beige.

Casey James brought the most annoying segment of the episode and it wasn’t even his fault! He sang “Heaven” by Bryan Adams (more enjoyably performed by DJ Sammy) and did a lot of schmoozing with the camera. Casey, you may remember, attracted the attention of sweet Kara during the auditions so that received a lot of play from the judges. Not only did they carry on about how Kara felt about Casey in Casey’s video intro but then every single judge had to make a comment about it when he was done. Even Simon. I was disappointed. I’m sure he’s going to make it to the top 12 but there’s something about him that is not working for me. It’s something about thinking his ticket to the top is his charisma but he doesn’t actually have any.  Shrug. We’ll see.

Finally after two long hours, we finally saw a glimmer of hope in the form of Andrew Garcia (Compton Danny Gokey). Andrew sang an acoustic version of “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boy. I was anticipating his performance all night long and so it was soul crushing to discover that none of the judges really liked it. Normally Simon can say anything and I’ll agree with it but that was not the case with Andrew. Simon threw out one of his favorite words “indulgent” which I thought was unfair because I didn’t see any difference between the way he sang that song and the way he sang “Straight Up,” the piece they all can’t stop crowing about. Despite the fact that Andrew looks like Harry Caray in those glasses, he is virtually our only hope when it comes to the men. So, please, be good to him judges. You’re going to give America the wrong idea and then we’ll be stuck with a couple of 16 year olds in the finale.

Whew. I just wrote that whole thing in one breath. A note about this post and the one from last night. As I have said before, I am trying to be conscious of length. I didn’t intend to write about all 12 girls last night, it just kind of developed that way. Having done that, I felt obligated to do the same for the men. Future formats will only revolve around stand out (good and bad) performances. For my sake and more importantly, yours.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: As a frequent leaver of drunken messages, I can tell you no good can come from this.
Cerie: As a frequent receiver of drunk messages, they are not cute, even when they’re from Liz.

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Filed under American Idol, Ellen DeGeneres, FOX, Kara DioGuardi, Randy Jackson, Reality TV, Recaps, Simon Cowell

I’m already not liking some of these people. It reminds me of being on the bus.

Dear Tina,

Last night American Idol kicked off what I thought was going to be a brief venture narrowing the top 24 contestants down to 12. Turns out, this process is going to take three weeks. Isn’t the more efficient option to have them perform once and Simon just pick the six men and six women who did the best job to compete in the top 12? Although I guess when you are raking in millions of dollars each week from advertisers, efficiency isn’t really your bag. This season in particular it might be good to have that time before we head into the big leagues. That way it will give Ellen more time to get comfortable with live TV and Kara more time to get that kink out of her neck. Or does she keep moving her neck back and forth like that to inject a little New Jersey attitude into everything she says? Hard to tell.

The first live episode is always crucial (if you take this show seriously like I do) as it allows you to judge for yourself if those selected by the judges deserve to be there. Or if, maybe, they should have instead selected the 28 year old with the voice of an angel who has a child with a disability and who was eliminated during Hollywood week in the season before last a week after her father was murdered you heartless heathens. So it’s fun. I have to say that first moment before the show starts when Ryan is walking down the human hallway with six contestants on either side of him and then says “THIS is AMERICAN IDOL,” if I were one of those girls I would get so overwhelmed with excitement I’d probably go cross eyed. I mean, really, could they have created a better “I’ve made it!” moment for you? After the opening credits the contestants were blessed with some solid advice from Randy: “You gotta be great or you gotta be mad at yourself. It’s up to you to wreck the stage with your vocals.” Oh Randy, sometimes I just want to pat your belly and ask you where you got your robin’s egg blue watch. Let’s take a look at our top 12 girls.

First up was Paige Miles. In the notes I took last night I have written “psigr miles” but that can’t be right. She sang “All Right Now” by Free and got some pretty great feedback including a “best female singer in the group” from Simon. All positive notes were followed by a lot of “wrong song” notes. My advice to all American Idol contestants, current and future, steer clear of any song featured on the Now and Then soundtrack.

Next was Ashley Rodriguez singing “Happy” by Leona Lewis. I liked her since her audition in Boston but boy did she take a wrong turn last night. She looked and sounded how I would sing that song if I was listening to it in the car at 4 in the morning while trying not to fall asleep at the wheel: screechy and absurdly animated. Judges concurred. Simon then dropped the “I think you’re going to be in trouble” bomb on her. I actually think he says this to contestants he wants to see go home because he is keenly aware of his ability to sway voters.

Janell Wheeler was third in line and sang “What About Love” by Heart. I didn’t write anything about her last night and then this morning when I wrote this I had to go on americanidol.com to figure out who the only contestant I left out was. So…I think that sums up my thoughts on Janell.

Lilly Scott came on after and sang “Fixing a Hole” by The Beatles. Her performance was great, original, she received more than one “that’s what I’m talking abouts” from Kara alone, and is sure to be safe in this first round of cuts. What I’m concerned about is what we learned in the short video we saw before she started singing, that last year when she was nineteen, Lily was living out of her car like a homeless person or Jewel. Then we see her parents sitting in the audience. Um, Mr. and Mrs. Scott, why was your daughter living in a van as a teenager? Clearly you don’t have some kind of tumultuous relationship. Can I hear your thoughts on this? Because I think if I was living in a van at 19…or 35…my parents might knock on my van door and ask if they might be of assistance. Just curious.

Katelyn Epperly. Oh man. That was a lotta look. Tim Gunn, can I get an Amen? If you were a costume designer for a Lifetime made for TV movie and you had to convey a nice, quiet girl succumbing to temptation and rebeling against her parents and drinking wine spritzers on a thursday night when she should be at volleyball practice this would be your checklist: high volume and kinked hair accessorized with a feathered barrette, magenta lipstick, enormous gold earrings, leather tube dress, lace tights, and black leather stiletto platforms. Welcome to Katelyn’s first impression on America. The judges seemed to like her singing fine; I on the other hand was too distracted by that lipstick that I was secretly hoping would somehow get smeared on Ryan’s forehead.

Haeley Vaughn sang “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles. Haeley is one of those girls who is so nice you don’t want anyone to say mean things to her because she’ll just smile politely while they do. But unfortunately in this case she really needed to hear what Simon had to say which was, “it was just for me a complete and utter mess.” I love the British. Hopefully next time her vocal coach will keep her performance in a more manageable range because if we have to have a 16 year old in the top 12, I would pick her. We don’t have to have a 16 year old in the top 12 by the way. Also, she looked like a 1950s nurse in her outfit.

Lacey Brown was a nonentity singing “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. She’ll probably go home tonight. She got a “beautiful eyes” comment from Simon and, really isn’t that all you need? She reminds me of Christina Hendricks from Mad Men so maybe if American Idol doesn’t pan out for her she could find someone with gray hair to be her musical John Slattery and they could become a singing duo? Maybe Lilly Scott?

Michelle Delamor sang “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys. Yes, and so did that girl in season 2 for her audition. Moratorium on all Alicia Keys songs on Idol please. Also, girl is a diva by her own accord so my interest in her went out the door the first time she made enormous hand motions to cue the band when to rest as you might expect from Whitney or Aretha. Or a Maestro.

Didi Benami sang “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson which was perfectly suited for her voice but then of course the judges came at her with how boring they thought it was. Sometimes this show is a lose-lose situation. You pick the wrong song or the wrong artist and you get ripped to shreds; then you pick a song in your range and style and you’re told to take more risks. It was a little boring and picking a song that was only on the Billboard charts because it was a big hit on Adult Contemporary radio stations is not the best move but we can’t all sing “Mad World” and get standing ovations. I miss Adam Lambert already.

Siobhan Magnus sang “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak and for me it was ok except for the beginning when she sounded like Amanda Bynes pretending to be a man in She’s The Man–that was not ok. I guess it got better, the judges seemed to not hate it, but where she really lost us was when she started talking after the performance. Simon asked her why she chose that song and she went into a explanation with less pizazz than a video tutorial on how to install dry wall. Simon made a sassy comment about her personality and I shed a tear at the thought of him leaving us.

Crystal Bowersox and her one man band sang “Hand in My Pocket” by Alanis Morrisette. She may be my favorite but I have to agree with the judges when they said it was good but she could do better, something more interesting and less predictable. She made a quick rebuttal about not being allowed to sing original music and I’m glad that didn’t get too much play because there is nothing more annoying than listening to original music on this show. Original idea, sure, you testing your songwriting abilities on America, save it for youtube. Crystal seemed to like Simon’s idea of doing something by David Bowie. I hope she picks “Magic Dance” from Labyrinth.

Katie Stevens closed the night with “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse. Why does Michael Buble continue to get credit for that song? David Foster must be giving someone money under the table. I hate to bring him up again but I will for the sake of sweet Katie. Remember last season when Adam Lambert sang that song? And they provided him with a set that rivals the Academy Awards? And he wore a white suit? And he sang the business out of it? Yeah, the song kind of needs that. You on the other hand were dressed for an eighth grade Valentine’s Day dance. You sang with the dimpled sweetness I would expect from most 16 year olds which is only appropriate when singing songs like “Knock Three TImes” by Tony and the Dawns, and again we’re saying no to the Now and Then soundtrack.

So there you have it. Just for putting up with all that, I offer the best exchange of the entire night. I laughed so hard I went back and watched it again. Simon is explaining to Ryan that in picking the right song you should want it to be as memorable as your first kiss.

Simon: Come out here, do something and prove to everyone watching this show I am different, unique, and I’m a star. Rather than indulging yourself and that’s the problem.
Ryan: I didn’t think of any of that during my first kiss.
Simon: That probably went both ways.

That. Man.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Devon Banks: You know what they say about rumors Jack? They make a “ru” out of “mor” and “s. ”


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Filed under American Idol, Ellen DeGeneres, FOX, Kara DioGuardi, Randy Jackson, Reality TV, Recaps, Simon Cowell, Tina Fey

I didn’t know you sang. It’s funny because it’s kind of my thing. Next thing I know you’re going to be telling me you’re really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.

Dear Tina,

Last night Ryan Seacrest sported a “casual Friday” look to guide us through a two hour long look at how the American Idol judges whittled the contestants down from 71 to 24. Did I mention that part of this process simply involved them walking into three rooms where the contestants had been divided and announcing to that room if they had made it or not? And that they allowed this process to take a total of an hour and a half? Therefore they only had time to reveal 7 of the contestants making it to the top 24. Sometimes I think this show is testing me. Trying to push my limits and see how many times Ryan Seacrest can say “here’s how it’s going to work” before I give up on all of them and spend the rest of the spring trying to figure out what’s happening on Lost.

Four minutes passed last night before anyone even sang (this is not an exaggeration, I checked the ticker). Which means that the first four minutes were basically just a voice over that consisted of twenty different sentences indicating Hollywood week was over. “The last song has been sung. The sun is setting in Hollywood. The judges have had their say. I am all out of skinny ties. The stage is now empty.” You know, nonsense like that. The producers or directors or editors–really all of the above, decided to put this episode together from end to beginning and occasionally peppering this layout with actual singing. It was kind of like the first season of Damages except the ending didn’t provide the answer to a complex murder but rather announced results we saw coming 14 minutes into the episode (room 2 would be going home). Speaking of the editing, we need to discuss the use of the echo effect in their post-edit. At first I thought my DVR was skipping–like a record player?–but then I realized when they used this technique on one critique from every judge, that it was a conscious choice on their part. I’m talking “that just wasn’t good enough enough nough ough.” What was your other idea? Star wipe? The echo effect should only be used in memory sequences from Saved by the Bell that are clearly marked by the hot pink outline. I mean, I know that American Idol has a hold on advertisers and Americans alike and can pretty much get away with anything and still maintain more viewers on one night than Ugly Betty has had all season combined. But a little more sophistication for the most successful show on television would be appreciated.

Let’s skip along to the heart of the matter. Why have the judges switched from Coca Cola cups to Vitaminwater Zero cups?? No I jest, the singing! (The answer by the way is Coca Cola owns Vitaminwater. The red cups will return when American Idol goes live. Don’t fret.) The final 71 were given a song book of who knows how many songs to choose from, because about 73% of them picked “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz, and were given one last shot to impress the judges. Or as Ryan announced it: “ONE. LAST. SHOT.”

Siobhan Magnus was one of the first to go. We were reminded, because no one remembers her, that when Siobhan first performed in Hollywood, Ellen told her to loosen up and make her look more youthful. Siobhan took this note and ran with it in every crazy direction possible. She stood before us in some kind of multi-colored, multi-layered negligee with a sleeveless jean jacket over it. Yikes. Youthful generally means young and current, not young like you were young in the 1980s so dress like Cyndi Lauper.

Crystal Bowersox, an early favorite of mine, sang a slightly stripped version of Sherly Crow’s “If it Makes You Happy” and accompanied herself with a harmonica and acoustic guitar. Randy comments to Kara that “that’s a real Indie girl right there” which is the first music vocab word Randy has used maybe all season. I don’t count “pitchy” because even Randy doesn’t know what he means by that anymore.

I have mentioned before how much American Idol loves a nice montage. Last night they mixed things up and delivered a montage I had never seen before: the mom who is more excited than her child. Thaddeus Johnson has had a particularly long road up until this point because he accidentally invited his mother who has been screaming in his ear, and mine, since his first audition. Actually, Thaddeus sang Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” last night and the only highlight was watching his mother sing and dance along. And as we have no room for overenthusiastic moms in the top 12, I will not be sad when he is inevitably eliminated before we get to that point.

To round things out, Compton Danny Gokey aka Andrew Garcia was amazing singing “Chasing Pavements” by Adele. Why they only gave us a sound bite of this I’ll never know. I guess they felt compelled to edit in a lot of Mary Powers (the one you can’t stand and sounds like Pink) talking ever so confidently in the soon-to-be axed room 2, that they skimped on the actual talent.  Todrick Hall, our resident Broadway performer, was the only one who managed to come up with a fresh interpretation of “I’m Yours” (I’m being generous under the circumstances of overusage) and it didn’t even involve an acoustic instrument! Todrick was one of the seven who found out he made it to the top 24 last night, bless his heart. And Lily Scott, who has a great voice, but I cannot throw my support behind because she has silver hair and we all know what happened last time we got excited about someone with silver hair. Taylor Hicks. Now starring as not the lead in the touring production of Grease. Check your local Marriott for dates in your area.

I would also like to add that, while I have harped on Ryan plenty today, I don’t think I’m done. When the judges finally made up their minds about the fates of the three rooms, Ryan pipes in narrates “The first room to be relieved of their anxiety is…………………….ROOM 1!” Why the dramatic pause Ryan? Was there any reason why we should believe that this was not going to go in numerical order? Isn’t that the whole logic behind designating numbers and not just labeling them this room, that room, and the other room? “Which room will be next? It’s…………….ROOM 2!” Yeah, I got it. What’s next? Back to one? Oh, Room 3? Strange. And in terms of the “Here’s how this will work” bits, I am now under the impression that in Ryan’s contract there is a quota for how often you must hear his voice or see his face.  As his role is almost entirely useless, they make up for it by having him talk about how each contestant will enter the Kodak Theatre. Walk down the stairs. Sit in that chair. Then, walk back up those stairs. Out the exit door. Just so he is assured his multi-million dollar contract is worth it. You know how when you’re teaching someone how to play a new game and you realize your talking isn’t helping so you finally say “let’s just learn as we go.” I wish Ryan would just let me learn as I go.

Oh and just so you are sure to look for it, Kara wore her prom dress to the final 24 announcement that continues tonight. I did the math; she was a senior in high school from 1987-1988 so all signs point to yes.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: The days of your wild coke parties are over.
Liz: Well, if by coke, you mean sodas…
Jack: I do.

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Filed under American Idol, Ellen DeGeneres, Kara DioGuardi, Reality TV, Recaps, Simon Cowell, Tina Fey

You can’t be gay for one person. Unless you are a lady and you meet Ellen.

Dear Tina,

Tonight was a big night for network television. Joining the American Idol team for the first time was music mogul talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. It was also the first night of Hollywood week, which I love, so it was a good thing I got off work five hours early due to weather conditions so I could ease into my excitement. It also gave me some time to set up my printer and condense the 50 post-its my dad had on the wall of our office into one spreadsheet. The space looks a lot less Beautiful Mind now. So you can see I’ve been quite busy. Tonight’s episode proved to be as delightful as I had hoped and, surprisingly!, because of the singing. Time to discuss.

We begin with a montage. If you don’t watch the show, you should know that American Idol requires a minimum of 7 montages per episode. First a montage of Ellen coming to Idol, then contestants arriving in Hollywood, contestants leaving Hollywood crying, contestants playing instruments badly, a montage of funny commentary from Ellen, memorable contestants being sent home. The list goes on and on. The one classic they missed was the montage of contestants forgetting their lyrics. Mark my words, it’s coming.

Ryan, timid mouse that he is, was continuously filmed on the balcony overlooking the stage whispering to the audience at home what all was going down. What was the reasoning behind that? No one ever actually appeared to be performing while he was doing this. Was it to make the circumstances seem more tense? Did the director momentarily mistake this program for a National Geographic feature filming wild animals in their natural habitat? The tactic was the same, the necessity a bit over thought. They also let Ryan play pretend stage manager for one segment but he declined to wear the headset I assume for fear of looking like one of the employees receiving an hourly wage. All he did was tell one group of singers they were up and to head out to the stage. I bet there were multiple takes on that one.

Adding a new personality to a show like American Idol, there is always some risk involved. Even when the person has proved herself to be extremely popular and current. To ensure that their viewers are just as excited about Ellen’s arrival as they are, the producers were really hitting us over the head with how HILARIOUS she is. And Ellen is funny. But instead of just letting her be funny and letting us enjoy her humor, they had to edit each moment to be followed by shots of the audience laughing uproariously. It was so over the top it almost felt staged. It sounded like the type of laughter you would get if you asked a classroom filled with 3rd graders to laugh as loud as they can and the noise sounds more like screaming than laughing. The reality TV version of a laugh track, if you will. Ellen is an incredibly intelligent woman so I do look forward to seeing how she fares the rest of the season. Particularly the live episodes when judging becomes much more critical. My advice to the producers is to trust that their home audience will find Ellen quite funny, we don’t need assistance to enjoy her.

Before I get to my favorite performances, I just need to get this off my chest. What was Kara wearing? Was it a turtleneck? Was it a scarf? Was it all of the above plus a few random cutouts? I don’t know but I do know that she paired it with a black leather jacket. She looked like Tori from Saved by the Bell. And please PLEASE Kara stop singing along. We know you know the words. We know them too because the only songs anyone ever sings on American Idol are Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” and “For Once in My Life.” So stop that.

Compton Danny Gokey aka Andrew Garcia stole the show with an acoustic rendition of Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.” The judges took this as an opportunity to talk about Paula as if she were dead. Which she is, in their hearts. “Paula would have loved that! If she were she would be clapping like [gesture indicating speculated pill dependency].” Although I continue to refer to him as the Compton Danny Gokey, Andrew is enormously more interesting because he has that quality that all joe regulars need to become famous. An appealing quality that you can’t define or articulate–you just like him. Like Dr. Drew or Meredith Vieira. Danny didn’t have it. You liked him because he sang well but it didn’t make you want to buy his album because that would mean committing to him as a person. Andrew Garcia I predict is going to go very far in this competition. I hope his next song choice is an acoustic version of Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On.” He’d kill it.

Our resident naive country girl (a position previously held by Carrie Underwood who, when asked if she had seen any stars since arriving in Hollywood responded “no, it’s been pretty cloudy”) Vanessa Wolfe was sent back to Vonore, Tennessee after the first round. During her montage they played “New Slang” by The Shins. Isn’t that a little too hipster for her story? Save The Shins for the contestant who thinks a fedora and black skinny jeans is an original look. I really don’t want to use the word hick because I don’t mean to be hurtful so I’m just going to let you interpret the following ellipsis how ever you like. I mean the girl calls her mom “mama”…

The final two performances of the night were both incredible and featured contestants I hope meet Andrew Garcia in the top 12. The first was Didi Benami who was immediately forgiven for singing a Kara DioGuardi song because of how well she sang it. Normally I hate it when the judges give generic feedback like “I could see you making a record.” I always think, really? Because the pop music genre is so small and defined I’m surprised you can find a place for this young, attractive person. But that is exactly what I thought with Didi. She has a voice and a tone (high five Kara!) that is beautiful to listen to. I would ask that she not wear hot pink tights in the next round. Because she’s not a 14 year old attempting to follow trends from two years ago. The second performance was given by Crystal Bowersox, a single mom with a dream. If she wins, her Lifetime made for TV movie can be the sequel to Fantasia’s. Unimportant observation I would like to share: in the picture of her baby boy I realized that he is a dead ringer for Mikey from Look Who’s Talking. Get on Facebook kid you’re only a couple of days late for Doppleganger week! Crystal sang “Natural Woman” which is actually one of my favorite performances from season 1 performed by Kelly Clarkson. So girl you are in good company. I imagine Crystal making it to the top 12. What I am most curious about with this one is what the Hollywood machine will do to her. No one loves a pop-star-ready makeover more than American Idol.

Tomorrow night Hollywood week continues with the dreaded group performances. You can’t find more crying on television than during this episode. This should appall us. But it doesn’t, so we watch.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: You’re having your reunion this weekend?  I wish I had a Princeton reunion right about now.  Wipe that smug smile off Michelle Obama’s face.

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Filed under American Idol, Ellen DeGeneres, Kara DioGuardi, Reality TV, Simon Cowell, Tina Fey

You are making this guy’s dreams come true. At your age, it’ll probably be the last time you ever make a man happy.

Dear Tina,

I thought I would start tonight with a tidbit from work today. As you know, because I bring it up all the time, I currently work as a babysitter. Someone once told me that when you have a college degree it’s called nannying but my employers refer to me as their babysitter so I think it’s more pathetic to elevate my status only in my head. So the kindergartner arrives home after having lunch with his mom and as she is emptying out his backpack she discovers the book he checked out from the library. Now when you think of a five year old developing an interest in reading, when left to his own devices, what kind of books would you imagine him getting? Maybe a book on trucks. Maybe something involving Star Wars or lightsabers. Maybe even a book that has the word underpants on it. All good guesses. In this instance, of all the books he had to select from he went for the one about bar graphs. Possibly a dry read but if he is eager to improve his math skills I’m all for it. Today while we counted candy hearts for his 100 days of school project I asked him “what is 59+4?” and his answer was 54. A thoughtful answer as it consists of two of the words I said. Try again though.

Tonight American Idol held auditions in Los Angeles, a town filled with dreamers and waiters. The episode opened with footage of Ryan at his radio gig. Apparently he is the hardest working man in Hollywood because as he was doing his radio show he was simultaneously filming the introduction for tonight’s episode, allotting the usual three minutes to spit out “THIS………………is………(quick bathroom break)…………………………………..AMERICAN IDOL.” How annoying for his listeners, which for an afternoon show I imagine consists of a lot of stay-at-home moms and Bruce Jenner.

The guest judge for the first half hour of the program was Avril Lavigne. So that was exciting for all of the 13 year olds in 2002. She came in looking normal and then she put on the hood from her sweatshirt and it had fabric horns on it. The woman is 25. At this rate, by the time she turns 40 she’ll finally be ready to apologize to her mom for wearing so much eyeliner during her rebellious phase. I wish Simon would have said something. Or at least just ripped off one of her bracelets and told her that according to seventh graders this means they get to go to third base.

For the most part the performances tonight were pretty forgettable. There was a young man by the name of Neil Goldstein who had an IQ of 168. So naturally he assumed a career in singing. Being the smart guy that he is, I wonder if he could explain why his hair kept changing lengths during the segment prior to his audition. Honestly it was the strangest thing I have ever seen. He is wearing the same outfit the entire time, implying that all their footage of Neil was shot on one day, yet one moment his hair falls right at his chin, the next it is a few inches past his shoulders, and then it’s back to short! Stop with the mind games Seacrest! And in case you were doubting his IQ he tells the producers that, for him, performing is “to exult in what it is to be human.” I’m sorry did I say he had a really high IQ, I meant he was just really high. Shortly before going in to see the judges, Ryan asked Neil what the title of his first album would be should he win. His response was “Hope.” Yes. So much more succinct than “Reach For the Stars.” Neil was declined an invitation to Hollywood.

Soon after that we had married father of three Pastor Jim Ranger from Bakersfield, California. Jim auditioned with an original song called “Drive.” An original song is always a terrible choice. Why not sing a hit song so that you are sure someone other than your wife has enjoyed the melody? This of course annoyed the judges as it should have. “Drive” was only marginally better than the original song my sister wrote when she was four called “Beary Bears.” The judges seemed impressed by his singing abilities but that original song really stuck in their craw so they took some time to badger him. Avril, dispelling rumors that Canadians are illiterate, read aloud Jim’s family history and lectured him about how life as a pop star means being on the road for a good portion of the year. And what is life on the road like for a faux punk rocker Ms. Lavinge? Screechy I’ll bet. Jim still managed to snag a ticket to Hollywood as Simon voted yes and Kara never says no to someone Simon likes unless the contestant in question is wearing a bikini.

For the second half of the show, we were joined by Zooey Deschanel Katy Perry. Katy was an early delight when she commented on the ridiculousness of the three judges being flown in for the auditions via helicopter. She backtracked later when she pronounced the word frisked, “frissed.” Only to eventually win the award for my favorite guest judge so far for giving Kara such a hard time throughout her experience. Highlights from the “Katy being mean to Kara montage” included Katy reminding Kara not to “ever put someone through because you feel bad,” mocking Kara’s lack of cleverness when Kara asked if she was hot or cold, and when Kara, for reasons that are still unclear, was singing “I kissed a dolphin and I liked it…” Katy interrupted her saying, “Please stop. I’m going to have to throw my coke in your face.” AND THEN SHE DID. No she didn’t. But she will in my dreams tonight!

My favorite audition from the episode went to the Compton version of Danny Gokey. You may remember Danny Gokey from last season who made it cool for pop stars to wear glasses. Except he lost and we never heard from him again so maybe he didn’t. Andrew Garcia, the son of gang members, had a heart felt story to tell and glasses to wear while telling it. He sang Sunday Morning by Maroon 5, slightly overdone but better than coming in with a rocker persona and singing Bon Jovi. He has a son so if he does make it to the top 10 he can use that to his advantage by having the directors cut to the kid crying every time Simon says something critical.

Next week is either the last week of auditions or we’re only 15% through them, I’m not sure. Either way Neil Patrick Harris is guest judging so that is going to be bi-larious!

Ok hire me Tina before I spend the rest of the week learning about bar graphs.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Wow, this is an honor. I’m friends with number four on Maxims list of the sexiest woman in comedy.
Jenna: At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me, but then I saw the Dukes of Hazzard, funny!

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Filed under American Idol, Employment, Reality TV, Simon Cowell, Tina Fey

You’re wrong about it Liz. It’s getting some very positive early reviews. TeenMovieSceen.com gave it five out of five iPods.

Dear Tina,

For four or five years when I was a kid I spent my summers at a park district day camp a few blocks from my house. The camp was fairly predictable in its day to day routine. A few sports here and there, arts and crafts, swimming; one summer I spent a majority of the time playing with my counselor David’s hair. This camp offered what many camps within the park district did yet it had a reputation for being a cut above the rest. It wasn’t because of the counselors. After all, their idea of supervising at the beach was nodding and grunting in agreement when lifeguards asked the campers to stop sitting on each other’s heads in the water.  No, the camp’s heart and soul was the camp director, an 8th grade teacher who spent his summers off building what has become regarded as a local institution. He had a unique ability to make you feel responsible and youthful all at once. His storytelling was an art form, his stories legendary. After eight weeks of camp he knew every camper’s name and remembered it when they inevitably returned the next summer. He ran that camp for over 20 years, retiring in 2006. The camp is now run by a former assistant director, and many of the traditions established by this man remain. But it’s not the same, it can’t be. There is a distinct flavor missing, like unsalted popcorn–why bother?

I mention this story amid news that Simon Cowell has decided that this season of American Idol will be his last. I almost hate myself for comparing such a wholesome childhood memory to a man whose nipples so frequently protrude from his American Apparel tees. I don’t regard American Idol with the same sweet sentiment I do those summers. I compare them because they shared the ability to turn what should have been a nonentity into something extraordinary. When the announcement was made that Simon Cowell would be leaving American Idol, the FOX network and American Idol producers were quick to pacify our fears by reminding us that the show is much more than just one personality. Is it? Last season when the directors suffered bouts of amnesia and couldn’t remember how to direct the show within an hour, who was the judge elected to speak on behalf of all the judges? Paula? She’s spend the 30 seconds she had trying to locate Ryan Seacrest. Randy? In eight years the man has yet to find one synonym for pitchy. I won’t even pretend Kara was an option. Watching an episode of American Idol without Simon there to weigh in would be like watching a dress rehearsal. The music, the performers, Ryan’s stature, they’re all the same but we’d feel as though we were being cheated out of the real thing.

I’m sure FOX will show up for season 10, guns blazing, with some huge name in the music industry to replace Simon. What they’re already forgetting is that American Idol was never about celebrities. Simon became a celebrity for his judging abilities. The vice versa in this scenario, becoming a judge because of your celebrity, seems self-indulgent on behalf of the producers. In fact the first time they tried to introduce celebrity guest judges to the show it was received as distracting and a waste of vital airtime, much like the sheer shrug Victoria Beckham wore tonight during Boston auditions. Simon’s opinion is really the only one valued on the show and to hear criticisms from his replacement, no matter how famous and influential, would be like listening to your step father lecture you on the value of family. You’re not my dad!

There will be a palpable void when Simon leaves and FOX’s search for a doppleganger will be bleak. Think of all the competition reality shows that enlisted a Brit to serve on their judge panels as the ruthless import. None of these imitations have been able to breathe a fraction of American Idol‘s success into their respective programming.

The show will of course go on for many more seasons without him and people will continue to watch. It won’t be like the XFL that started with 14 million viewers and ended with less viewers than a televised high school talent show. However, no matter what tricks FOX thinks they have up their sleeves for next year, the show will without a doubt lack the spark that turned an overly produced, overly sponsored TV show, into an entertainment sensation.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Tracy: Oh yeah I forgot, Dot Com. You know everything about acting because you played a bird in some stupid school play.
Dot Com: Yes, Tracy. I was Trigorin in The Seagull on the Weslyan Art Space Mainstage.

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Filed under American Idol, Reality TV, Simon Cowell, Television