Cerie, for the last time, I have never been married. That’s the spirit!

Dear Tina,

Inspired by Andy Cohen’s “Here’s What” segment on Watch What Happens Live, I bring you three items happening in the world of television today.

1. During a commercial break for The Real Housewives of New York City, Bravo aired a preview for the new show coming this June, Bethenny Getting Married? A word of advice to all current and future television producers: do not include a question mark in the title of your program. Unless the title is a legitimate question that pertains directly to the plot of the series, i.e. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Now every time I reference this show in conversation (which will be frequently as I will inevitably tune in to every episode), it will sound like I am speaking with the kind of upward inflection 8 year olds use to tell stories where the end of every sentence sounds like a question: and then I went to the park? And went down the slide? More to the point, why the question mark in the first place? What was the subtitle the creatives came up with? Bethenny Getting Married? Really? That old hag?  I understand that was kind of her schtick on the first couple seasons on RHONYC, alone looking for Mr. Right, but still that question mark is awfully patronizing.

2. I happened to catch 10 minutes of a The Hills rerun this morning—a decision caused by the dangerous combination of boredom and laziness. With that disclaimer and the acknowledgement that I understand everything on that show is staged and possibly written, Spencer Pratt is off his rocker. There is a thin line on reality television of enjoyment and disgust. A line so thin that it may be more accurately described as blurred. But watching Spencer react to minor conflict as if he were confronting the universe with history’s greatest tragedies, it makes you wonder if maybe he has stockholm-syndromed himself and this persona he created a few years ago for the sake of the TV show has begun to resonate with him. In the most recent episode, we see that he has taken to wearing crystals all over his body as a tool to help center and calm him. His mustached sidekick Charlie suggests maybe they aren’t working as Spencer practically hyperventilates in front of him. “I know they’re not working that’s why there’s hundreds on me right now.” Oh Spencer, I can’t wait to catch you on season 8 of Celebrity Rehab with Doctor Drew. Ten bucks says the crystals make a reappearance.

3. I read a blurb last week where Steve Carell was quoted as saying he plans on leaving The Office when his contract is up at the end of the upcoming seventh season. First Simon Cowell then Oprah and now this? If I was skeptical of the world ending in 2012, I think I’m quickly becoming a believer. I imagine in the case of The Office they’ll find a replacement for Carell rather than end the series altogether. I won’t write off this idea just yet. Sometimes shaking things up and bringing on a new personality can shift the dynamic in a way that will breathe life back into the story. At the same time it’s really hard to imagine Scranton without Michael Scott coming to work everyday in a PT Cruiser and lady suits.

Alright I hope that was inspiring. ClearlyI dedicated a good portion of my day to contimplating critical moments in the world of pop culture. As I always do. 30 Rock recap tomorrow. Jenna’s mom Verna was back and Lutz played his own mom. So, par for the course. Goodnight.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Kenneth: Well it’s finally over, Ms. Maroney.
Jenna: Yes. And it’s hard to even remember how it all began.
Kenneth: [whispers] You burnt my jacket.

Ongoing train wreck aside, I love this idea; it’s great synergy. By putting a TV actress into the movie world we can promote both. It’s like how we’re including a Heroes DVD with every missile system we sell.

Dear Tina,

Of the 16 hours I spent awake today, approximately 15 of them were spent sitting down. The activities that culminated in the one hour of movement including walking to a restaurant to get lunch, standing at the kitchen counter at my friend’s house while eating dinner, and walking to the movie theatre to see a late night screening of………….Date Night! Yes Tina, just one week after the nationwide release I forked over my $8.50 (and expired student ID that allowed for the discount) and indulged in the latest addition to your growing film career.

Now after nearly four months of this project I don’t think I have to reiterate how much I respect your talent as a comedian and long for a career such as your own. With that in mind, I still have to uphold a certain level of objectivity and critical thinking here if I am ever going to gain credibility.

So.

The film wasn’t good enough for you. The material you write for yourself and the comedic timing that accompanies it on 30 Rock are far too sophisticated for a script that accompanies bland writing to an already vapid story. Sure Date Night had enough laughs and clever one-liners to carry the audience through to the end without becoming too disgruntled over its staleness, but it still felt wasteful to bring together two of our most appreciated comics for such an underwhelming venture.

The most successful scenes were the ones that allowed you and Steve Carell to use the combination of wit and goofiness both of you have perfected in your respective television series. You impersonating a woman on the other side of a restaurant on a date: “That’s amazing, Jeremy, but I’m gonna go home now and fart into a shoebox.” Steve Carrell’s impersonation of Mark Whalberg that included a not-so-subtle Fat Albert inflection was not only hilarious but a nice throwback to Michael Scott’s “It’s Fat Halpert!” in season two of The Office. But aside from the few bits of dialogue the two of you were able to resurrect from this mediocre script, the movie never seemed to establish a pace that could keep up with its stars. The second time a supporting character said with disgust “You took someone’s reservation?!” the moment felt overplayed, so when it happened a third, fourth, and fifth time it was like being repeatedly reminded of the writer’s limited sense of humor in a set of circumstances filled with potential absurdity. Consequently it was the stars of the film who were forced to slow down and hit their marks with an uncharacteristic amount of effort.

I think if the writer and director had found a way to integrate more comedy into the couple’s relationship and let the name confusion-political corruption premise simply be the structure for that to grow, there would have been more quality material to sustain this film. Honestly I still don’t even understand how the conflict was resolved but I can tell you that the scenes that offered a sense of this couple’s familiarity and intimacy with one another were the most memorable. In comparison, they made the action sequences feel almost unnecessary. Plus for some reason it really bothered me when the air bags deployed and they got out of the car without a scratch. It’s not a pillow case coming out of that steering wheel–that business will leave you battered. I think I’m too practical to enjoy action movies.

When all is said and done, it’s never a dull evening watching you Tina. But we all have our strengths and I believe in order for a director to best use yours, there should be less car chases and more of this:

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: If I die, my ghost is going to haunt you!
Frank: Then your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.