Oprah is coming! And she’s gonna fix everything!

Dear Tina,

You’re going to be on Oprah tomorrow. When I discovered the news this morning it was like finding out ‘N Sync was doing a reunion tour. Meaning: the best news I could ever imagine. A couple months ago I had planned on contacting a range of talk shows to tell them about Dear Tina knowing that near this time you would be making the rounds promoting Date Night. But I never did that so I feel like my next step should be to take the Oprah/Rhonda Byrne approach and create a vision board. Because when hard work doesn’t get you what you want, thumbtacking pictures of your dreams to a Pottery Barn shadow box might.

I think it’s hailing right now. Otherwise there is a boy outside my window aggressively trying to get my attention. But I think it’s hailing.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jenna: We’re trying to prove who has it hardest in America; women or black men.
Jack: I’ll tell you who has it the hardest.  White men.  We make the unpopular difficult decisions.  We land on the moon and Normandy Beach and yet they resent us.
Kenneth: Well sir, I’m sorry to disagree, but I am also a white man.
Jack: No you are not.  Socio-economically speaking you’re like an inner city Latina.

Big night, Lemon? Let me guess. Meatball sub, extra bread? Bottle of NyQuil? Tivoed Top Chef?

Dear Tina,

So as of yesterday at 4:30 pm I am officially on vacation until a week from Monday. Or as people who enjoy puns would say, “staycation,” as I am not actually going anywhere. But boy do I have plans for myself. Considering that my job causes me to lead the life of a frazzled stay-at-home mom, I plan on spending the week leading the life of a stay-at-home featured on any television show or movie set in California. I’m going to go shopping, get my nails done, maybe even treat myself to a massage, who knows! The week is my oyster and I swear if I spend one minute of it with anyone younger than 22 I might throw a fit. Just like how Alexis from The Real Housewives of Orange County feels.

Of course, how did I kick start this week of wonder last night? Well I made myself a grilled chicken sandwich around 6:30, watched last week’s episodes of Modern Family and The Real Housewives of New York City and  after eventually returning to my room, fell asleep sometime around 10:30. I remember thinking to myself that if I’m going to stay home I should at least tidy up my room, throw in a load of laundry, and maybe finish that Dear Tina post I was working on. But my problem was that I was thinking all of this while lying down on my bed and, for me at least, lying down on a bed usually leads to sleeping. I awoke sometime close to midnight with a chemical burn sensation in my eyes caused by napping with my contacts in and was asleep for the night shortly after that. To accurately describe my Friday night, I just looked up antonyms for “epic” and my computer suggested insignificant, small. Yeah that sounds about right.

To make up for that simple tragedy, I’m heading into the city in a couple of hours to meet up with some long lost theatre majors from college with plans to cause an array of trouble from there.

In brief TV news, I also happened to catch 20 minutes or so of Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution last night. What’s that you say? Eat less chicken nuggets? I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you over your lisp and adorable rugby shirt. Two points awarded for the British accent and two points deducted for doing little more with that show than stating the obvious. So, wash. Kids are fat. It’s a problem. And it’s because they eat pizza. I just don’t like it when words like “revolution” are attached to reality television shows because, not to be cynical, but I have a feeling that Jamie’s efforts will stop when ABC is no longer handing him a pay check.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Pete: Liz! It’s a massacre.
Liz: What is going on?
Pete: Brad came in this morning and started making cuts. I can’t go back to teaching high school math! Those girls pretend they’re not women yet, but they are!

Do you realize that your little show accounts for 3% of our revenue but takes up 90% of my time?

Dear Tina,

It’s approximately ten to midnight and I’m in the kind of mood that most people are who are 30 years older than me are in: asleep. I wish I could come up with some rousing tidbits of impressions from all of the NBC comedy I watched tonight but sometimes a Dear Tina entry feels as tiresome as applying for an actual job (which do you think I’ve done more consistently in the last two and a half months?). So I leave you still with some tidbits, but with the acknowledgement that overall this post is lackluster. I offer this as a warning/apology in case, FOR SOME REASON, this is the first entry you ever read and are less than impressed. You may be less than impressed from January 1, 2010 onward, but at least I’d know you were thorough in your assessment.

First of all, this:

The Bud Light! Follow that truck and get me a Bud Light! -the 5 year old. Amen.

Editor’s Note: 5 year old’s awareness of said product was caused by finding the product name on a key chain football helmet at Buffalo Wild Wings, not from a history of consuming the product. Also, it was a Miller Lite truck. So he’s pretty in the dark about a lot of things.

Second of all:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/100866/modern-family-casablanca#s-p11-sr-i1

Are you still not watching this? “Sort of  like Costco. I’m big, I’m not fancy, and I dare you not to like me.”

Third of all:

Last week’s episode of Community (that I just watched tonight) recycled an Arrested Development joke. Normally I can let things like this slide but it’s one of my favorite Arrested Development quotes of all time. And Community‘s was so much worse. First, the worst:

Abed: I hope they’re not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is-
Troy: Thinking
Abed: Yeah. And they’re always finishing each other’s-
Troy: Pie
Abed: It’s creepy.

Second, the best:

Michael: It’s like we finish each other’s…
Lindsay: Sandwiches?
Michael: Sentences. Why would I say…
Lindsay: Sandwiches?
Michael: That time I was going to say sandwiches.

See what I mean?

For the sake of never starting a sentence with “fourth of all,” I’ll just mention now that I’m going to bed. I worked for 12 hours and it wasn’t in Queens and it wasn’t in Silvercup Studios. So I’m tired in the unsatisfactory way. 30 Rock recap tomorrow. So much to say. So much laughter. So British.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Give it up, Jenna. You’re talking to an ultrasound.
Jamie: Now I’m getting attitude from the sexy librarian over here.
Liz: What? Sexy? You are! Shut up!

Ok on the count of three say what level of cousins we’d have to be for this to be ok. One, two, three. Fifth! Unacceptable no matter what.

Dear Tina,

It’s very late on Friday night. In fact, technically, it’s Saturday morning. I’m sure considering it’s the weekend that most of my peers would disagree, but it is way past my bedtime. Regardless of how lame I am being, which even objectively is fairly lame, I still spent the evening with two of my favorite groups of people: family and actors. My family is as loud as actors and my actor friends are as close to me as family. Stitch that on a sampler why don’t you?

If you are in town tomorrow Tina you may consider dropping by Murphy’s Bleachers in Wrigleyville. I’ll be there so you and I can go over my employee contract then…if you’d like. My cousins are hosting a fundraiser to benefit Misericordia Heart of Mercy. I’d offer you a discount on the ticket price but I don’t really have that kind of leverage and it’s for charity so maybe just pay the $40 and you can have first pick on karaoke. Great. That’s why I was with my family tonight. We were setting up for the big event. In situations like that I always want to be really helpful but never know how to plug myself into the situation to maximize my usefulness. I’m the person who sees a group of people lifting a large, heavy object, walks over and puts one hand underneath–not really redistributing any of the weight to my body, just appearing to be of service. I became the scribe at one point, that was good. Growing up with a lot of cousins is like being the girl in that teen movie who eyes a group of friends at school that she’s always wanted to be a part of but never knew how to approach because she was so shy and “artsy.” Ok, not so much the artsy part, but in my experience when you’re young you long for the days that you get to hang out with your older cousins. It happens gradually I think. You go from being in bed at 9:30, to staying up late watching them drink, to drinking with them, and then before you know it you’re in the group–you’re as loud and messy as they are at 4 am. With a big family it can be elite, and when you’re young it can seem like a lifetime before you get there. But for me, getting to the age where you develop friendships with your extended family that reaches beyond friendly chatting at Easter dinner, it is a development that I find truly comforting. Plus my family is hilarious in the “you have to know them” kind of way, which is the best kind.

After I left Wrigleyville I headed over to my friend’s party to see people from my old Theatre Department, some of whom I hadn’t seen in over a year. Now, here is a list of three things you you will find at any party.

1. Attendees dressed nicely.
2. People talking loudly over the music.
3. A line for the bathroom.

Here is a list of three things I found at tonight’s theatre party.

1. Someone dressed up like Barbara Streisand in Yentl.
2. No music playing yet people screaming instead of talking.
3. A line for the bathroom because 4 girls are inside the bathroom chatting because we they didn’t want to talk to anyone else.

Need I say more? I hope not because I’m already half asleep. I love them.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Liz: Ok that’s it. I’m calling Human Resources and setting up a mediation for you.
Jenna: I told you I don’t drink that much at work.
Tracy: Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution.  I watched “Boston Legal” nine times before I realized it wasn’t a new “Star Trek”.

Looks like I fell asleep on your legs. Yeah it’s weird. I’ve never let anybody put their head that close to my feet before.

Dear Tina,

If you happened to read yesterday’s post before 9:25 am of this morning, please read it again. I just read it myself and realized it needed some major editing. Like how I wrote “American Idol” when I meant to write “Valentine’s Day” at one point. I guess that’s what happens when you write with your eyes half open and your brain half functioning. Hopefully I cleared some things up. Hopefully I did so before my project manager read it so she doesn’t get on my case about it.

*This is not the official post of the day so the quote of the day will be featured in the later post.

Can I take you out to dinner? Maybe we could hit that BBQ place you puked at. You’ll have to be more specific.

Dear Tina,

Whew it has been a long day, am I right? It started out over styled and flamboyant when I caught Adam Lambert on Oprah. Lost some steam when I put myself through E!’s Fashion Police and listened to Khloe Kardashian Odom repeatedly call herself a married whore. What on Earth does that even mean Khloe? Got a kick in my step when I caught five minutes of an episode of Paula Deen where the theme was cheese. Of course it was. Is there anyone in the world you would rather get a hug from than Paula Deen when life is throwing you lemons? No because she would hug you and simultaneously whip up some lemon squares with a side of fried chicken. Then that baby started crying like a baby and I was never granted access to the remote again.

I guess where I am going with this is that I don’t think my brain will be able to function at a high level of cleverness until I eat dinner and revive it with some nutrients. At the Allen household dinner is served around 9 pm. Sometimes I think my dad is playing a game with me to see how late he can serve dinner before my anxiety takes over and I start silently weeping. Some might say it’s very European of us but I wore sweatpants to work and spent all day driving a minivan so I’m about as American as it gets. When this dinner conflict has taken me away mid-post in the past I usually just write after dinner. Tonight however that would lead to one of two outcomes. I would either fall asleep in the middle of writing or simply offer a one sentence recap of The Good Wife: I wish my hair looked like Julianna Margulies’s. Neither of which are ideal so  instead I will treat you to a great moment in television, originally airing on Comedy Central, to replace what should have been a thoughtful piece on…something. Alright it’s official, I think 80% of me is asleep. This clip brought to you by your future co-producer. Look at that, I’ve already promoted myself in my own blog and we’re not even through with the first month yet.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other class mate was named Gilly. He’d fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They told us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill.