I’ve got my life together, ok? Holy crap! Did your tooth just fall out?

Dear Tina,

So it’s day two of my wisdom teeth removal recovery. The first day was pretty smooth sailing. Had a milkshake. Took some meds. NBD. By the time I went to bed I was half considering going out tonight. But this morning things were a little different. For starters, there was a significant-size bruise developing on the right side of my face. Like a punk. It made me wonder why more brutes don’t consider the aftermath of barroom brawls. When your face is swollen, it doesn’t feel good. More importantly, it doesn’t look good. So politely remove yourself from a dangerous situation before someone jacks you in the face.

Now, I considered not sharing the following pictures with you for reasons that involve my self-esteem but the second one made me laugh every time I clicked on it so I figure life is short, why take it so seriously? I give you…my face.

The first one was taken this afternoon. Not too bad right? I’m considering donating this image to someone in need of an emo MySpace profile picture. If you know anyone who’s interested. I can give it a thermal camera effect if that would help.

This next self-portrait was taken right before bed. It’s like elephantitis of the jaw. Cute, right?

It’s too bad I couldn’t get a little symmetry going there. I could have looked like Bethenny Frankel while she was pregnant. Seriously, that is a square shaped jaw developing there. I wonder if that means I have to change the shape of my sunglasses for the next day or two until the swelling goes down.

I know that legally your hiring decisions are not allowed to be based on physical appearances, but if this gives you anxiety or the heebie jeebies, I promise that it will (or should) go away by the time you decide to fax me that employment contract.

I had soup for dinner. I hate soup.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Kenneth: Hello Angie. I hear you’re single now. That’s cool.
Angie: What?
Kenneth: I like your top. I’m a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
Angie: Well, I don’t have a husband anymore, so you can come over any time.
Kenneth: Oh, I will. I’ll come over at night!

When I had my wisdom teeth out, I tried to get in the bath with my mom.

Dear Tina,

Can you tell by the title of this post what I’m about to tell you? Yes, I had my wisdom teeth removed today. Gosh it feels like I’m 17 again! Right before the extraction began my oral surgeon reminded me for the second time that I should have had this taken care of five years ago. Ok Doc! Any other words of encouragement?! I was warned that the crown on my upper left side might crack during the surgery and the nerve below my bottom teeth might get bruised causing temporary and permanent numbness. Ok Doc! Try to be extra careful in there then! I was given anesthesia through an IV and the doctor made the comment before that process started “Let’s hope we can find a good vein!” which immediately made me feel like a heroin addict. Even though I have never experimented with intravenous drugs, I was suddenly self-conscious that she was going to find evidence that said otherwise all along my arm. No one has ever paid attention to my veins before so I didn’t know what to think.

The experience of being “under” was different than I think some people’s, because there were moments that I could actually hear what they were saying and feel what they were doing. Not in the painful way, just in the their are hands in my mouth way. I also took mental notes throughout the experience of how frequently I was making snoring sounds. Something that, despite my best efforts, I could not prevent. I also remember wanting to ask the doctor if I could see my teeth but I restrained myself when I recognized that I couldn’t even open my eyes at that point. When I was escorted to the recovery room which looked a lot like an elementary school nurse’s office, they brought my dad in to explain how to handle me for the next 24 hours. The nurse talking to him also mentioned that I had really big teeth. Yeah! Atta girl! Now I really do wish I had seen them.

The numbness has gone down and I don’t seem to be in enough pain to take the Vicodin I was prescribed. I think I’ve watched enough episodes of Intervention to know not to mess around with that stuff unless I’m in really bad shape.

It’s going to be a long weekend of sedentary movement and apple sauce. I was kind of hoping that the surgery would curb my appetite, but if I could bite into a cheeseburger right now I would.

So far today I’ve watched episodes of Say Yes To The Dress that I had already seen and the HBO film You Don’t Know Jack about Dr. Jack Kevorkian starring Al Pacino. So that’s pretty much a wash in terms of intelligent choices. I can’t recommend the latter enough. I don’t know what you’re views on euthanasia are Tina, but if you appreciate good acting as much as I do, prepare for your expectations to be exceeded.

The National Spelling Bee is on tonight. Chris Harrison is hosting. Terrible. There’s a priest sitting on the judges panel and as far as I can tell, they’re not explaining why. What a remarkable television event.

Alright, I’m going to go drink some juice. Ugh.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: Bosses need to keep their distance from their subordinates.
Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I have to run out to Mr. Jordan’s house.  I’ll call you when you get there so you know I’m safe.
Jack: No!  I don’t care if you’re safe.
Kenneth: I love you!