Dear Tina,
I. Am. FUMING. I just had a delightful romp (that sounds sexual–it’s not) in the city and returned home with plans to enjoy tonight’s episode of Glee. I should have known when the first two minutes of the Glee recording were Kara DioGuardi yammering on about something and later Tim Urban smiling like a doof as Ryan Seacrest closed the show and opened the phone lines. Because the finale number of Glee was cut off on the DVR causing me to develop resentment and abandonment issues that I am sure to carry into my thirties. Not only was it the finale number to an episode that was on track to be my favorite of the series so far, but the song was “Like a Prayer” which is definitely my favorite Madonna song because she’s not on track to do anything that surpasses her work in the 80s (plus I’m a sucker for a gospel choir). It was just so painful. To hear Finn say to Jesse “Walk with me to the auditorium. I put together a new Madonna number, I’ll talk you through it on the way.” Freeze frame. Do you want to delete recording? Um, do you want to delete my belief that there is more good than evil in this world? So until Hulu.com updates their Glee catalog, I am out of luck. Inspite of this disaster, in the 58 minutes I did see, we experienced the return of Puck’s singing (and by singing I mean harmonizing–yowza,) and every Madonna reference you can think of fit snugly into one melt-your-heart hour of television.
The episode began with Coach Sue Sylvester writing in her journal about how Madonna is the most powerful woman in history. Even more powerful than Catherine the Great she remarks, the 18th century Empress of Russia, who incidentally I did a biography on in the third grade…because her name was also Catherine. Madonna is a long time hero of Sue’s leading her to put in a request to the school’s principal to have her music played on the PA system throughout the school day. So right away we know that integrating Madonna’s music into this episode will not be done with much subtlety. I find that I prefer when the music is incorporated as a means to tell the story rather than “hey it’s theme week at Glee club so arrange your favorite number and then sing it for us!” There is usually a mixture of the two concepts in every episode regardless, but relying on themes like Madonna, or the less successful “Hello” songs, cause the viewer to anticipate when half the fun of this show is the element of surprise. For example, in the episode “Showmance,” after Rachel and Finn share a kiss and he tells her to forget it ever happened, she belts out Rihanna’s “Take a Bow” in a styled sequence that was a perfect fit for the tone of the episode. Hearing it in the context of the plot, I even started to like that song. But as I said, this may be one of my favorite episodes to date, so take my criticism as mere observation and know that alongside the joy that was seeing Jane Lynch in a cone bra, I can only assume that all of the twists and turns we saw here tonight are going to culminate in one spectacular season finale.
I don’t know what Ryan Murphy would have done if Madonna hadn’t introduced “Like a Virgin” to the Pop music stage because this high school is just crawling with virgins needing to express themselves through song. Rachel is still dating Glee club rival Jesse St. James and despite the anonymity she uses to protect him when seeking out relationship advice, the rest of the glee club is on to their romance. Jesse, who we know from last week is up to no good, manipulates Rachel into agreeing to lose her virginity (which regrettably was referred to as the Big V throughout the episode) to him on Friday night. Meanwhile, under the direction of Sue, all Cheerios are told to start dating younger men as an homage to Madonna. Cheerleader and glee club member Santana has her eyes set on Finn, who is three days younger than she, and convinces him that losing his virginity to her will make Rachel jealous and realize what she’s missing. Because usually when men have meaningless sex with a mutual acquaintance that’s when women come crawling back. Social worker and virgin Emma Pillsbury, discouraged by Sue’s comment to her that “you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuses to mate,” decides that it is high time to give up her Big V and have sex with her separated-not yet divorced love interest, Mr. Schuester. We finally arrive at Friday night and a musical sextet (ha!) ensues.
So the big question at the end of the episode was who did it and who didn’t and where do we go from here. The answer? Emma and Will did not. She ran out of his house with her virginity and without her shoes. They decide to put a hold on their relationship until his divorce is finalized and in the meantime Will recommends counseling for Emma so she can work through her dithering. So, boring, which is exactly how you would like to think of your high school teachers’ sex lives. Jesse, still eager to have sex with Rachel despite her Little Red Riding Hood-inspired lavender nightgown (there was a capelet), could not convince Rachel that it was the right time. After Jesse coaxes her out of the bathroom where she had been hiding out of embarrassment, “Just come out so we can talk. Or sing about it.”, Rachel confesses that in losing her virginity she would quite literally be sleeping with the enemy and she couldn’t do that to her team. Now it just wouldn’t be a true Madonna episode if someone didn’t have inappropriate sex. So Finn and Santana do their part by doing it in the kind of sleezy motel room I wouldn’t have thought existed in suburban Ohio. When they return to school on Monday, Rachel implies to Finn that she did have sex and Finn in turn, implies the opposite. Ugh! Is there anything better than a “why can’t they make it work?!” plot line? After more than a decade of faithful sitcom viewing, I can tell you there is not.
Plot twist for next week! As an expression of his “love” and “commitment” to Rachel, Jesse St. James somehow convinced his family to move school districts and he now attends McKinley High School. Even worse, he has joined the glee club to share Finn’s spotlight as the male vocal lead. If it sounds too good to be true, I can tell you that Jesse’s scheming glee club director played by Idina Menzel is signed on for more episodes, so it definitely is.
Song of the Night:
What it Feels Like For a Girl
Puck’s harmony and particularly insane looking mohawk accompanied by Mr. Schuester’s “I obviously used to be on Broadway” style of conducting made this the surprising standout of the night (Followed closely by Like A Prayer which I did catch on Fox.com after my opening rant).
Brittany Line of the Night:
Clearly Ryan Murphy has found a niche for cheerleader (and real life former Beyonce back up dancer) Brittany. It’s working better than we ever could have imagined for this former nobody, lucky to have an ounce of screentime in the first half a dozen epsiodes or so, now responsible for some of the show’s most memorable lines. Tonight:
When I pulled my hamstring I went to a misogynist.
Keep watching because eventually Neil Patrick Harris is going to show up and if you miss it you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting it.
30 Rock Quote of the Day:
Kenneth: Ms. Maroney, here’s today’s fan mail.
Jenna: Are there any from prisons?
Kenneth: Are there?! Federal!
Dear Tina 