Well, who’s this southern peach?

Dear Tina,

Last night on American Idol the contestants took a swing at the songbook of country sensation Shania Twain. Did you know that Shania has the best selling album of all time for a female recording artist? And that it was also the best selling Country album of all time? Well Wikipedia.com knew and now so do I. The album, Come on Over, featured sixteen tracks, twelve of which became singles. Pretty impressive considering current singing sensation Justin Bieber only has ten songs total on his number one album. I was really hoping one of the contestants would tackle “That Don’t Impress Me Much”, preferably Aaron Kelly if for no other reason than to hear him say “Ok. So you’re Brad Pitt!” And maybe he too would have worn a leopard print hoodie for the performance as Shania did in the music video. Turns out things went a bit more predictably and all leopard hoodies were left on the racks. Maybe they’ll find a way to incorporate them in next week’s tribute to Frank Sinatra. On to the performances.

Lee DeWyze, You’re Still the One. I was reminded last night when Shania Twain told Lee he was “rushing the guitar a little bit” that the advice to slow down or speed up is virtually all these mentors ever offer. Either that or they just say something about how proud they are to hear the song sung so well by another artist (and then you realize they’re talking to Aaron Kelly and that they’re lying). Lee did sound great, in the predictable way that he always sounds great when singing with an acoustic guitar and a raspy voice. Randy told Lee he had found his sweet spot in this lower register, an observation that could have been made after hearing Lee at his audition, and therefore irrelevant. Ellen made the unfortunate mistake of opening with a pun, “All aboard the Shania Twain!”, and now I can no longer say the singer’s name without feeling like I have a speech impediment. Kara used the song’s lyrics as an awkward segue into telling Lee “look how far you’ve made it!” and proceeded to interrupt Simon when he tried to talk leaving Lee without any criticism or praise from the only judge he cares to hear it from. If only Kara’s need to be the only voice heard in the room was a solitary occurrence last night…

Michael Lynche, It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing. While I was taking notes I initially wrote down “It Only Hurts When You’re Breathing” which definitely has violent undertones so I was glad to realize my error. I had never heard this song before which is good for Michael because after he sang it, I honestly couldn’t imagine it as anything other than an R&B record. That being said, Michael has a tendency to sing every song as if he were singing “I’ll Cover You (Reprise)” from Rent. For those that don’t know, that song is sung in tribute to the character’s dead lover. So…tone down the drama Michael. The camera cut to the audience just in time to see Shania’s single tear rolling down her cheek and cut back to Michael just in time to see him lick his lips 17 more times before he was through singing. When it was over, Ellen compared him to Luther Vandross (accurate) and Simon described his performance style as “wet.” Before given an opportunity to elaborate, Kara once again interrupted him and we had the second awkward transition back to Ryan of the night.

Casey James, Don’t. Sweet Casey decided to clear his head after winding up in the bottom two last week and for our sake did so outside of a spray tan booth. A far cry from that lovely shade of orange he was sporting last week, Casey looked delightful with his hair down and what appeared to be a whale’s tooth around his neck. Also, for the first time I noticed how similar his hair texture is to Taylor Swift’s. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or not, but I’m leaning towards not. Get that guy a hair tie. During his video introduction Casey reveals that this song will give him a chance to do something he hasn’t done yet: sing. Uh, what exactly have you been doing this whole time? Whatever it was clearly you’ve distracted your audience with winking and smiles because they keep voting for you regardless. After the performance though, I think I see his point. Vocally he finally took the risk Kara has been asking him to take all season. Kara tells him, and I may be paraphrasing, “Artists do not hide the good, the bad, the ugly. You were vulnerable, you were raw. You didn’t cover it up, you didn’t hide.” He’s not going through rehab, let’s all catch our breath. The judges gave a resounding “best performance from you so far” and Casey is sure to be safe this week.

Crysal Bowersox, No One Needs to Know. I mean, yeah, the night that everyone else kind of amps things up was not the night for you to decide to perform in the style of a basement jam session. I’m nervous because Crystal was virtually the only one who received any negative feedback so hopefully her fan base is larger and more aggressive than I am imagining. I think Crystal is stunning but considering the American Idol voting demographic is girls between the ages of 12 and 12 ½, her dreadlocks and enormous back tattoo may not be doing her any favors. Crystal and half a dozen other musicians playing center stage with her, strummed through this number that I am fairly certain only Shania Twain herself has ever listened to. Randy complimented her for keeping it country during what was essentially country week. Simon was most succinct with his judgement when he said “Shocker. We don’t like Crystal this week.” Yes, they can waste time bemoaning “it wasn’t your best” or “that’s not what we expect from you” (and boy did they) or we can call a spade a spade and move on. No it wasn’t great. But it still showcased passion and skill and for that Crystal should be safe. The most disappointing moment was when Crystal talked back to the judges. Ugh, honestly did we learn nothing from Justin Guarini in season 1? Take your criticisms like a gentleman or a lady and hope for the best. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

Aaron Kelly, You’ve Got A Way. Someone had a birthday! Yes our little Aaron is all…but one year away from being an adult. It still feels like infinity. With Aaron, and I don’t just say this because his presence in this competition annoys me so much, but I really think that week to week people kind of forget he’s still around. Up until last week, us faithful (and wise) Idol fans were crabby all day on Tuesday knowing we had to come home and watch another Tim Urban performance but at least we remembered it was coming. When Aaron shows up to sing you’re kind of like “oh yeah, that kid.” So who’s voting for him? Yeah, his mom, I know, but seriously who else? I try to always give credit where credit is earned and Aaron definitely sang his song well last night. But that’s kind of like the time a few years ago when I was singing leisurely in my friend’s basement and he said “oh that note sounded good.” Really? Just the one? Yes Aaron, just this one. Kara was glad that Aaron had rephrased the line “It’s in the way we make love” because that was something, she thinks, he hasn’t experienced yet. And I was glad he changed it too after it was revealed that he had dedicated the song to his mother. In conclusion, I hope he goes home tonight.

Siobhan Magnus, Any Man of Mine. During their time together, Shania told Siobhan that she was playing a role in this song and that she needed to get into character. Isn’t Siobhan kind of enough character on her own? Last time she tried on too many characters she wound up coming on stage covered in butterflies. Ellen, regrettably, told Siobhan “Way to pull the Shania Twain into the station.” The more time I spend on this Earth the more I realize how much I hate puns. While Simon was beginning to say “The screaming at the end may have been a bit…” he was interrupted again by Kara. Really Kara, sometimes I try and look for reasons to embrace you as a judge and it has become an uphill battle. When Simon was given the opportunity to continue speaking, he told her to watch her facial expressions when she goes into shrill mode. I likened the look on Siobhan’s face during her final wail to that of someone suffering constipation, Simon compared it to child birth. Either way, hone that in. It is your money maker after all. For those that like to pay money for that sort of thing.

So we’re halfway through the top 12 and looking back I can’t even remember some of the contestants that were with us not too long ago. Paige Miles? Was that someone I went to middle school with? Tonight we lose one more and God willing it’s not Crystal, Lee, or Casey. The talent this season was already verging on intolerable so to lose one of the performers I actually looked forward to seeing would be a shame. And by shame I mean I would consider discontinuing the season recording on my DVR. What would be the point? To watch instant replay of Siobhan parading around in the costume rejection collection from Romy and Michele’s High School Reuinon? I’d rather watch Cougar Town.

Update: Siobhan went home. Fine.

30 Rock Quote of the Day:

Jack: What makes you laugh?
Kenneth: The usual I suppose. Two hobos sharing a bean. Lady airline pilots.